"Laurene, hindi ka ba sasabay umuwi?" Zeno asked. Kasama niya si Hyon. Dala-dala niya ang bag nilang dalawa.
Kahit na isang taon ang tanda ko sa kanya ay hindi na siya nag-abalang mag 'ate' sa akin. Pati si Hadeon ay hindi niya tinatawag na Kuya. He only calls Kuya Xavi that.
"No. Manunuod ako ng practice ng Kuya Silas niyo."
"Okay po. See you later, Ate." humabol ng halik sa pisngi si Hyon sa akin bago siya hinila ni Zeno paalis.
Naghihintay ako sa bench malapit sa covered court. This is where they're going to practice. Nasa room pa sila Silas dahil hindi pa sila dini-dismiss. I chose to wait for him here.
"L!" someone called. A girl's voice.
Hindi na ako nagulat nang makita si Des at Pia. Hindi na nila suot ang regular uniform. They are wearing a shirt and an old jogging pants. They are part of the cotillion, that's why they are here.
"Kasama ka na sa cotillion?" Des joyfully asked.
"No." ngumisi ako at umiling. "Manunuod lang."
"Sino naman papanoorin mo?" Pia innocently asked. Pinigilan ko ang sarili na mapangiwi. Crush nga pala ni Pia si Silas. I wouldn't want to be inconsiderate of her feelings. Hindi ako insensitive.
"Oh." Des simply mumbled. Napatingin kami pareho sa kanya. May tinitingnan siya. Sinundan ko ang direksyon ng mga mata niya at nakita si Silas na naglalakad mag-isa.
His bag was on his back. Seryoso ang kanyang mukha, pero kahit walang ngiti sa mga labi ay hindi siya mukhang suplado. He looks gentle. His light brown eyes are enough to make you trust him to never hurt you.
"Samahan mo ako sa canteen, Pia. Nagugutom ako." Des grabbed Pia's arm.
"Paano si L?" naguguluhang tumingin si Pia kay Des at matapos ay sa akin.
"Go ahead. I still have to find Hadeon." sabi ko.
Tumango sila at agad din umalis. Nang makatalikod na sila ay hinarap ko naman si Silas. His eyes were already on mine. His serious expression from earlier softened. Kung saan niya man balak pumunta kanina ay hindi na natuloy iyon dahil sa akin na siya dumiretso. Sinalubong ko siya nang malaking ngiti.
"I thought you already went home." he started. His eyes briefly scanned my face, like always. It lingered on my lips before going back to my eyes.
"Nope. Manunuod ako ng practice niyo." I happily exclaimed.
May maliit na ngiti ang sumilay sa mga labi ni Silas. His eyes seemed to brighten a little, too. "Ihahatid kita sa inyo pagkatapos?"
"Okay." I enthusiastically nodded. Silas flashed a boyish smile and nodded back.
Bumalik kami sa bench kung saan ako nakaupo kanina. Sa akin iniwan ni Silas ang bag niya. Hindi nagtagal ay dumating ang mga participants ng cotillion. Kasabay nito ay ang pagdating ng faculty in charge na si Ms. Cerna, kasama ang dalawa pang tao na naka-casual attire. They must be the choreographers.
"Maghiwalay ang juniors and seniors, both years form two lines for boys and girls by height." Ms. Cerna instructed and clapped her hands as a signal.
Agad naman sumunod ang lahat. My eyes stayed on Silas the whole time. Paminsan-minsan ay mapapatingin siya sa gawi ko at mapapangiti naman ako sa tuwing mangyayari iyon.
Sa pinakahuli napunta si Silas. Hindi naman nalalayo ang height niya sa mga sumunod sa kanya, but still, he's the tallest. Halos kapantay niya nga ang lalaki na nasa huling pila ng seniors na si Ivan. I know him because he used to be my fling.
"Now, junior boys pair up with the senior girls according to your height. Senior boys naman sa mga thid year girls natin." sunod na utos ni Ms. Cerna. Sinundan niya ulit iyon ng dalawang palakpak.
Napasinghap ako nang maisip kung para saan ang mga ito. They're starting to arrange the participants by partners! And Silas will be partnered up with a senior girl! Halos mapatayo ako sa konklusyon na nabuo sa utak ko.
I watched for Silas as they moved beside the line of the female seniors. Kung kanina ay wala akong interes na tingnan ang ibang participant, ngayon ay pinilit kong tingnan kung sino ang naka-pares ni Silas.
Umuwang ang mga labi ko nang makita kung sino. Si Rachel Castella. Shit! If I'm dubbed as the flirt of our year, then she holds that title in their year and she's a bigger flirt than me! Pati younger level ay pinapatulan niya.
At kung ikukumpara kaming dalawa ay mabait pa ako habang siya ay sadyang bitch talaga. I can barely count the stories I've heard about her and her encounters with girls. Sobrang kawawa ang mga nakakaaway niya, iyon ang usap-usapan.
My fingers dug on my palm as I watched Rachel smile like a Cheshire cat when she realized how she hit the jackpot with her partner. Alam ko ang ngiti niyang iyon at kitang-kita ko malagkit na tingin niya kay Silas. I know her moves. She's like the older version of me, just ten times worse and mean.
She offered her hand. Her lips moved. I knew she was trying to introduce herself. This flirt! Halos malukot na ang mukha ko habang pinapanuod sila mula sa malayo. Nalaglag na ang panga ko sa sahig nang tanggapin ni Silas ang kamay nito.
It's like an active volcano just sprung within me and it's preparing for an eruption, my insides were violently shaking as a direct effect. I don't like it! I don't like this! I don't like seeing him with another girl! I don't want him talking to somebody else! I don't want him touching any girl! I don't want him to be with somebody else.
Naunang bumitaw si Silas sa paghawak nila ng kamay. Agad siyang lumingon sa direksyon ko. I could clearly see how his eyes widened a little when he realized I was watching him, or maybe he's more shock of how I was looking at him right now. I'm sure my face shouted murder.
Madiin na kinagat ko ang labi ko. Pakiramdam ko ay magsusugat at dudugo na iyon sa sobrang diin ng pagkakagat ko. I can't contain this. Gusto kong tumili sa inis. I've never been this unsettled. Parang gusto kong sumigaw. Parang gusto kong maghagis ng kung anong bagay.
I thought I could watch him practice. Ang plano ko pa nga ay araw-arawin ang panunuod. I failed to realize that I'll be watching him be with some girl, too! At hindi ko yata kaya. It's pure torture to me. Seeing him with somebody else... is worse than hell.
Huminga ako nang malalim. Kinuha ko ang phone mula sa bulsa ng aking palda at binuksan ang message application.
Me:
Canteen lang ako.
I didn't bother looking at Silas when I stood up. Itinago ko ang phone sa aking bulsa at naglakad na patungo sa canteen. Iniwan ko na ang bag ko, to assure him that I won't leave the campus. Gusto kong umuwi pero baka bigla niyang maisipan na sumunod sa akin kapag ganoon nga ang ginawa ko. I don't want him to miss another practice because of me.
The staffs were already starting to clean up. Magsasara na kasi ito dahil dismissal na. Most of the lights were already off. Umupo ako malapit sa table na hindi pa naipapatong ang mga upuan sa ibabaw. I let out a heavy sigh.
My phone pinged for a new message. It was from him.
Silas:
Please stay.
Matagal na tinitigan ko ang screen. Parang may humahaplos sa puso habang paulit-ulit na binabasa ang text niya. It's like something warm spread across the center of my chest. It managed to calm the waves of ire, swallowing my heart and mind.
Me:
Okay.
Inabala ko ang sarili sa paglalaro ng phone. I opened my social media accounts and just browsed the feeds. I'm not really active in social media aside from my Instagram. Kapag may lakad ay laging updated ang Instagram ko.
My messenger is filled with chats from boys. Hindi ko pinansin ang kahit isa roon. Nag seen pa nga ako para mang-asar. May ilan na nag sad face pa. Like that'd make me reply to them. Nag seen lang ulit ako. Sa paglilibang ay hindi ko na namalayan ang oras.
"Laurene..." biglang tawag sa akin ng isang maamong boses. Napatalon pa ang katawan ko, medyo nagulat dahil sa may biglang nagsalita.
Hindi pa ako lumilingon ay alam ko na agad na si Silas ito. There's a pull in his body that I could never understand. He makes me feel like some kind of magnet that I can't help but want to get close to him.
I casually turned my head towards his direction. Dala-dala niya ang bag naming dalawa sa magkabilang balikat.
"Tapos na kayo?" malamig ang boses ko nang itanong iyon. It wasn't intentional! I couldn't help it. I can't make myself act normally, be warm and smile at him even if I want to.
Silas licked his lips. He looked nervous. His eyes clumsily examined my face, trying to gauge my mood. He licked his lips again and nodded. "All done."
Tumango ako bilang sagot at tumayo mula sa kinauupuan. Kinuha ko ang bag ko na nakasabit sa balikat niya. Hindi niya nagawang umapila sa pagkuha ko sa gamit kahit na nakaguhit sa mukha niya na gusto niyang magsalita.
"Tara na. Gusto ko nang umuwi." tinalikuran ko siya pagkasabi nito. Hindi ko siya nilingon ngunit rinig ko ang pag-angat niya ng upuan at paniguradong pagpatong nito sa ibabaw ng lamesa.
Ipinagpatuloy ko ang paglalakad dahil alam ko namang susunod siya sa akin. Hindi nagtagal ay naramdaman ko ang init ng katawan niya mula sa likod ko.
"Laurene..." mahinahong tawag nito sa akin. His voice was low, like he's being careful and he didn't wanna set me off once his voice came out too loud. "Ayaw mo bang... Ayaw mo bang mag... ice cream muna?"
"No." I icily replied.
Hindi na nakasagot si Silas. Tahimik lang siyang nakasunod sa akin. Hinayaan niya akong manguna. I already know their car after all. A white SUV.
Kuya Domeng, his personal driver, opened the door for me. Minsan ay bumabati ito sa akin, pero ngayon ay wala itong imik. Mukhang nakaramdam na may hindi magandang nangyari at hindi maayos ang disposisyon naming dalawa ni Silas.
I still kept my mouth shut when we were settled. Sumiksik ako sa gilid ng pinto. Hindi nag-abalang umusad si Silas palapit sa akin. Tulad ko ay nanatili siya sa tabi ng pinto. Kulang na lang ay sa labas siya umupo para mas malayo ang agwat naming dalawa.
Ramdam ko ang pagsulyap-sulyap niya sa akin. His stares always make my face feel warm. My body reacts whenever his eyes grazes on me, too. What he makes me feel is too uncontrollable.
"Laurene, are you mad?" he softly asked. He sounded completely melancholic.
Hinigpitan ko ang pagkakahawak sa aking bag at pinanatili ang mga mata sa bintana upang panoorin ang labas ng sasakyan. "I don't wanna talk."
Muling tumahimik si Silas. Binalot ang loob ng sasakyan ng katahimikan. The radio was turned off and Kuya Domeng is hardly making any noise.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko at pasimpleng sumulyap kay Silas. He's not looking at me. His eyes were on his hands. Kitang-kita ko ang lungkot sa buong mukha niya. Medyo tulala pa siya habang nakatingin lamang sa kamay niya.
He looked miserable that it's almost pitiful! Paano ko siya matitiis kung ganito ang itsura niya?
Naramdaman niya ata na nakatingin ako sa kanya dahil biglang umangat ang mga mata niya sa akin. Sakto itong tumama sa mga mata ko, na parang alam niya na roon niya ito matatagpuan. Pumungay ang mga mata niya habang nasa akin. His eyes reflected how torn he looked.
Una akong nag-iwas ng tingin. Ibinalik ko ang mga mata ko sa bintana. My lips pursed. My fists balled tight. The vexation that I was feeling earlier was slowly returning.
"Laurene..." he croaked.
"Nagseselos ako, Silas." I spat. My heart was racing towards my throat. It's like I've been doused with gasoline and a fire lit me up. My body temperature raised. Inilipat ko ang tingin kay Silas na ngayon ay nakatingin sa akin habang nakauwang ang mga labi. I was seething with fury as I looked at him. "I don't like seeing you with another girl. I hate it. I hate it so much, Silas."
"I never felt this before. I've never been jealous. I hate it. I hate that I feel possessive. I hate that I feel like you should only be for me. I hate that I can't do anything to make it stop. I hate this feeling." I said, never stopping for air. My eyes were warm with tears that are threatening to fall down because of frustration but I kept my voice strong.
Silas swiftly moved closer to where I was. He was in panic and didn't know how to handle my sudden outburst. His eyes were full of trepidation as he gazed at my face. He licked his bottom lip. His hand was slightly trembling when he cupped my cheek.
"Don't make me jealous again." I sternly said.
"I'm sorry." he whispered, his voice laced with anguish. It was a reflection of what I was feeling.
Silas tipped my chin, making me look at him in the eyes. Para siyang nanghihina sa mapungay na mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa akin. He looked tired and apologetic.
"I don't wanna see you with someone else." matigas pa rin ang boses ko kahit na medyo nanginig na ito sa dulo.
His eyes were full of promises as he nodded. He brought my face to his chest, his arm slipped around my back and pulled me for a hug. "You won't."