Originally posted on March 20, 2017| Edited on May 14th, 2018.
| . . . C H A P T E R. . . 1. 2 0 . 5: D O U B T F U L - H E A R T . . . |
Opening the bedroom door, I walked inside and turned on the light to find Arnav lying down next to Aarav. Aarav was asleep but Arnav was just lying, staring at the ceiling with a contemplated look on his face.
I exhaled, shaking my head. Seriously, what is the matter with him? If he wasn't my best friend, I'd slap some sense into him.
Then again... maybe because he is my best friend, all the more reason to do it?
Placing my hands on my hips, I scolded, "What are you doing here?"
Instead, he scolded me back by placing his finger on his lips. "Shh! Do you want to wake him up or what? It took me forever to get him to sleep!"
Rolling my eyes, I walked over, grabbed his wrist, made him stand up, and dragged him out of the room so we can talk. He was using Aarav as an excuse to not have this conversation but hello, does he not know me?
I could give him tit for his tat.
If it was in his nature to give people hard time, it was in my nature to keep testing people till they break.
Once I closed the bedroom door so Aarav wouldn't be disturbed, he continued his scolding, "What the hell, Lavanya? I was trying to sleep."
I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest and demanded an answer, "No, the correct question is what the hell are you doing here, Arnav?"
He returned a dumb look, "Uh, I live here? Where else would I be?"
I slapped his arm for he was being ridiculous right now on purpose. "Arnav, I've had a long and tiring day and if you're going to do this and annoy me right now by pretending you don't know what the fuck I am talking about, then God help me, I am going to rip you into tiny, tiny pieces and feed it Anushka's, pet snake."
"Who?" He questioned - not the important part here to focus on!
"Arnav!" I yelled as quick irritation started to get the better of me.
"That's a very cruel thing to do to your best friend, you know?" He continued on the earlier part of my verbally violent outburst.
I glared him down till he cracked and stopped putting up this tough act in front of me.
Eventually, he did sigh and run his fingers through his hair in helplessness, "What do you want me to do, La? She is mad at me and obviously does not want to talk to me. Did you not see that I did go after her to try and explain everything? She walked away."
I challenged, "And you're going to let her? God, Arnav, yes, she walked away but it was also your fault. Did you think she would make it easy as pie for you? That you'd just look at her and she'd forgive you? Do you take her to be that weak-minded like the rest of the girls you waste your time with?"
He replied in defense for her, "No! Ofcourse not. She's different than everyone."
I explained to him that exact point in a calmer tone, "Exactly, Arnav. She is different. You have feelings for her and don't you know? Any girl you had feelings for wasn't going to make it easy for you. You've broken her trust. Her promises. You've hurt her. You can't make up for it by hiding her. You have to keep trying."
He asked in confusion, "But what if that only makes her angrier? Maybe I should stay away for now? Let her cool down."
"That would be a big mistake."
Again, he ran his fingers through his hair as if he'd much rather be pulling at them to express his frustration. "Why the hell is this so difficult?!"
Despite his emotions, I found myself smiling. With a chuckle, I crossed the space between us to give him a comforting hug. "Because, my dearest friend, it's the first time you've met a girl worthy of being your match."
Pulling back from the hug, he commented. "Sometimes she annoys the life out of me with how stubborn headed she can be, you know?"
I continued to smile while I voiced out his thoughts, "And yet the truth remains. You are falling in love with her."
"This wasn't planned. It wasn't. I just wanted to help her a little. Atone for my mistakes."
"Things like love are never planned, Arnav. But it is happening so let it. You deserve to be happy."
He inhaled deeply before exhaling through his mouth. I imagine being in this unknown situation with these strange feelings he was feeling for the first time wasn't an easy concept to grasp. Maybe he was feeling overwhelmed, but I knew his heart.
I took his hand and squeezed it gently to express my support and faith in him, "You can do this, Arnav."
He still looked back at me with such vulnerability in his eyes, "What if I can't?"
I began to make him see otherwise, "Arnav..." but he didn't give me the chance to as he kept talking.
"La, I've never dealt with just emotions with any girl before. You know this. There is way too much locked up inside of me and her life... it's already dark. I don't want to... I can't dump my burdens on her too. Or... or, what if, I can't be faithful to her? I'd only end up hurting her worse and I wouldn't be able to take that either. I..."
At all his insecurities blowing up in his face, scaring him, I finally put my hand on his shoulder and interjected. "Hey. Hey, look at me." When he did, my hand moves to his nape and squeezed gently. "Breathe. Just breathe, okay?"
He nodded and tried to do that.
After the third deep breath, I continued to speak, "Arnav, it's not called dumping your burdens on her. It's called sharing them. Your life may have had its dark moments, Arnav, but you have a chance now to move towards the lightness. Don't give up on that for fears before you even give it a fair chance, yeah? And definitely, don't worry about these what ifs because it's ridiculous. Don't you know yourself? Once you let someone into your heart, you do anything to do right by them. How can you even doubt you may not be able to remain faithful to her?"
He closed his eyes as if my faith in him pained him, "Don't put me on such a high pedestal, La. I only disappoint people."
"That is such bullshit," I argued patiently. "You are giving your heart to her, Arnav. Something you have never done with anyone before. It's a whole new area so I understand that you are petrified, but Arnav, another truth is also that you can't compare everything you have done up till now to what you will do from now. With her, it's a clean slate and you can start over. So, believe me, keep trying because the second you stop will be the second you lose her."
As the thought crossed his mind, he firmly shook his head. "No, I can't lose her."
I smiled in the happiness that at the end, he does accept wordlessly how strong his feelings for her are. I gave him a last piece of advice, "Then don't ever give up on her."
He smiled back. His eyes cleared by now of all his confusions and doubts; now replaced with certainty and an idea of exactly what he had to do.
Shedding the politeness, I ordered. "Now get out of here and let me sleep."
His jaw dropped, "Excuse me? This is my place! And I am staying the night with my son and there is nothing you can do about it."
"Arnav!" I complained in a childish whine because I was too used to sleeping next to Aarav by now.
He cheekily bid, "Bye now," and disappeared into my bedroom to sleep next to my son on my bed.
Ugh. I take back all the kind words and advice I gave to him. He could be an ass sometimes, but... I decided to let it be. It was rare that he demanded things like this with Aarav.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up to a phone call. I thought of ignoring it but then the thought that it could be important won over and I squinted through one eye to look at the screen.
Vivek.
Concerned at once, I sat up. Why was he calling? That too this late.
I answered the call, "Vivek? Is everything okay?"
He demanded, "Where the hell are you? Why aren't you answering your doorbell?"
"What?" I asked in confusion, still trying to rub away the sleep.
He asked another question, "Why do you sound like you're just waking up?"
"Because it's the middle of the night, Vivek. Now, what do you want?"
Instead of answering my question, he repeated his earlier. "Middle of the night? Where are you?"
"Australia," I answered with a sigh. "Now are you going to answer my question or should I hang up?"
"So Aarav is with you too?"
My brows narrowed at his interest in Aarav. He's never asked about him before. "Uh... ofcourse? Where else would he be?"
"And both of you are okay?"
"Vivek, what is this? It's the middle of the night here and I am not in the mood for this right now. Get to the point."
"Fine," he answered in a clipped tone. That slight concern in his voice replaced with a certain coldness. "I just came to your apartment because I needed some money."
My eyes widened then. Sleep, now miles away. He was at my doorstep in my Mumbai apartment? No... it wasn't for money. I had deposited my monthly check to him just last week.
Warily, I questioned. "Vivek, why do you need more money? I sent your check last week itself."
"Oh. I didn't receive it."
Lies. I very well got a notification from the bank that the check was cashed in.
"What's wrong, Vivek? Tell me."
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong, Lavanya. No need to worry about me. Just send in the check again. Maybe it got lost in the mail or something."
"You're lying."
"Whatever. What do I care?"
"You didn't go all the way to my place to get a check, Vivek. This is twice in how many months? I know you better. You don't visit me like this."
"Really, do yourself a favor and go see a mental doctor before everyone starts to think you're deluding yourself."
There is that line again. Does he have no new insults to spew at me?
Regardless, I tried again, "Tell me, Vivek. What's wrong? I'll fix it."
He snapped back in anger, "I'll fix it myself. I promise. I'll take care of my own debt. I don't need you to fix things for me.
I berated, "Vivek, do you take me for some fool? I know this isn't about some debt you owe someone. You asked if I was okay. If Aarav was okay. You never ask about him, so what's wrong? Why did you think something happened to us?"
"I know you see good in everyone, even me. For some god damn reason, you still believe that I am redeemable, but really, Lavanya, stop being pathetic. Stop thinking I care about you or your son or whatever happens in your life. Stop expecting things from me because you're only going to be disappointed and you'll have no one to blame for that but yourself."
It's wrong. So wrong. He is wrong. I know that underneath many layers, he had a heart that is capable of being good. He just doesn't fight it for whatever reason he believes that he is not worth it. He easily gives in to darkness and despite being that one person who knows him the most - if not the best - I still feel helpless.
I wish he'd just... believe in himself.
"Maybe, but you know what, Vivek? In some twisted way of yours, you do care for me. And, if anything I have learned from you, it's how to bully someone."
"So, what? You're going to force me to come visit you every month if I want my money? Are you really going to stoop that low?"
Despite the argument we seemed to be having, a flicker of hope appeared in my heart. See. I wasn't even the one to suggest this. I hadn't even thought it. but, he. He planted that thought in my head. I don't get why he wants to come in to make sure we are okay, but know what? I don't need to understand that right now.
Just the fact that he cares is enough for him. I'll let him think I was oblivious to his trick if it means I get to see him more.
I retained my snappy tone as I replied, "If that's what it takes to keep a relationship with you, then fine. Consider it an ultimatum. If you want your monthly checks, grow up. Act like we are a family and show up at my doorstep each month or forget about it."
"Family." He repeated with a shock. "We were never a family, Lavanya. We were always broken."
"Vivek, that's not true." I countered mimicking his sad voice at the mention. I hadn't even realized I'd said the word but I knew... that world could either bring out the best or worst in him.
Right now, I wasn't sure which one it was.
He didn't believe me as he continued, "You know, Lavanya, for what it's worth, I am sorry for how things turned out for you. I lost mom too, and well dad... he never was a father to me, anyway. He was yours. I lost my family a long time ago. So, I don't know why you keep insisting I'm your brother because you see, we're not even related. Anyway, there is no point in telling you this because you won't listen."
There is this sadness inside of me that suddenly erupts within. Well... it's not sudden. It's always been there. I just try as best I can to mask the hurt. Hurt of how our parents had treated us. Neither of our parents were good to us.
It's why, despite all reasonings and self-respect, I held on to Vivek so tightly afraid that I'd end up losing him too. Because... even if I do consider Aarav, Arnav and Anjali my own, Vivek is different. He is my brother, and I could never stop reminding him of that.
"Vivek..."
"Take care of yourself and your little boy. God forbid he meets the same fate as ours." With that, abruptly, he ended the call.
Again, leaving me in a pool of worries.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .