May 25, 2009
Crickets \’kri-kəts\ - (n.) vicious creatures designed to make an awkward silence…worse.
Rachelle stared at her best friend without actually seeing him. In her mind, a slideshow of memories started playing and she watched it intently, recalling the details of her experiences with Nick. The first memory was in Central Park where they first met as kids. He handed the crying Rachelle his cotton candy while helping her up. Since then, she had seen him as a hero, a brother who would support her and help her get back on her feet when she gets knocked down.
The picture was followed by their days in grade school, birthdays, silly stage plays, middle school, the day Nick lectured her first boyfriend on how to treat her properly, the days when he went with her for her modeling projects, the day she told him about her being sexually harassed, high school, last year’s prom where he went as her date, and everything else that followed.
Confusion filled her and his words began a throbbing hum in her head. Words which ultimately boiled down to several repetitions of that one sentence that stunned her the most: I’ve kept my feelings to myself ‘cause I’m so scared of losing my best friend when I finally tell her that I’ve been in love with her for as long as I can remember!
It was the only thing she could hear as the lake obviously felt the need for calmness; the city noise was alarmingly distant; and the crickets, well, they were apparently having fun making her listen to just one sound alone.
Nick’s voice.
Not that she didn’t like hearing his voice but the words that echoed in her head seemed to be beating every single part of her body, making her feel shaken right down to her very core. It was as if she was standing right beside a huge gong when someone pounded on it.
Rachelle saw him turn back at her and the impact of his eyes almost made her weep. A small part of her was ashamed that she couldn’t tell him that she loved him back. If she was to be honest, what happened with Liam had hurt like hell and Nick had just made her all the more confused.
Boys had been telling her ‘I love you’ for the longest time but as of the moment, she had no idea how to respond exactly at Nick’s confession. She felt like she had read or watched this scene before but for some reason, she could not recall what the heroine did after knowing that her best friend’s protectiveness was because of love and not really about friendship.
He continued to look back at her and she felt pressured to say something. Anything.
“Nick, I—I don’t understand,” she finally said evasively.
He let three seconds pass before he said in a distinct voice, “Yes, you do. It means I love you, Rach. I merely wanted you to know that.”
“Nick…”
“I didn’t tell you what I feel to confuse you, Rach. Nor do I want you to tell me you love me too.” His eyes suddenly filled with sadness but he immediately concealed it with indifference. “Because I know you don’t. I just…I hoped it would stop you from thinking about Milton.” He let out an aggravated sigh. “And I’d rather worry about what you’d think of me now, than plot revenge on that asshole who messed up your life.”
When Nick said he knew she didn’t love him, Rachelle felt like a traitor caught up in her lies. He showed no sign of feeling betrayed, however, so she decided to stop thinking about it. The possibility of hurting him made her feel worse than a heel.
He was right about the other thing, though. Liam’s lies had hurt terribly but Nick knew she wasn’t one to dwell on the past. He gave her something else to think about but Rachelle doubted that it was less painful than thinking about Liam. One wrong move and fourteen years of friendship would fly out of the window.
A worried sigh escaped from her lips. She turned her head and stared straight ahead.
“I need some time to…think.”
Nick nodded in understanding. He walked over to the bench where she was seated then said simply, “I’ll bring you home.”
*****
The entire week passed maddeningly slow. It’s the last Monday of the month and December would come in a few days but Grace barely felt the holiday spirit whenever she was outside her home. Granted, Christmas decorations were scattered all over the streets of Heartlake City and the oversized pine tree had already been set up in the middle of Central Park. Huge metallic balls, lights, and sashes in shades of red and gold were hung and placed around the tree randomly. To complete the look, an angel holding a huge star stood at the top of the tree.
All these were there to remind her of the yuletide season but whenever she was in St. James ground, all she heard were talks about her, Nick, Rachelle, and Liam’s involvement in revealing Rachelle’s past. It was like the school had isolated them and then placed on a pedestal like an exhibit piece, available for open scrutiny.
How different her life would have been had she brought the brown notebook to the Lost and Found office instead of handing it back to Rachelle personally. Had she done that, she would have been a simple gossiper now instead of the one being gossiped about.
She sighed. Past is past and there was no way she could turn things back. Birds began to sing and she walked over to the bench where her borrowed violin lay. Her mind was in chaos and as usual, she sought the soothing effect music gave her. It was a reprieve—a short-term escape route. And as usual, she hoped that by the time she finished, she would know what to do.
Her eyes closed as the first notes of Chopin’s Tristesse began to resonate throughout the rooftop.
I still love him. Don’t I?
As she continued to play the tune, she felt herself being lifted, dropped and eventually suspended in midair.
I got hurt but why don’t I feel the despair I thought I should feel?
She tried to imagine Nick’s smiling face and instead of feeling the agonizing pain of losing someone she loved, all she felt was embarrassment for making herself believe that the only reason Nick never told her he loved her back was because he didn’t know her.
Another face floated into her thoughts.
Why did Matt kiss me?
Suddenly, the strings of her violin weren’t the only one carrying the tune of Chopin’s etude. The low, gentle sound coming from guitar strings being strummed joined the higher-pitched, powerful tune from the violin. Together, the sound they created was enough to make a listener shed a tear of joy.
When the last notes of the song ended, Grace took her time opening her eyes. Somehow, she knew that the person who played with her was one of the people she didn’t really want to see. He was, however, a much more preferable company than either Nick or Rachelle. She knew she would rather deal with his cockiness than the embarrassment of talking to the guy she believed she loved and the girl he was actually in love with.
Her eyelids fluttered open but she avoided looking at Matt’s eyes. She was honestly not ready to give her commentary about Rachelle. She carefully placed the violin back in its case before she sat on the other end of the bench. Matt occupied the other side.
For a while, they sat there silently as they listened to the birds chirping. And then she heard Matt’s intake of breath.
“You play well,” he said casually, exhaling.
“Thank you.”
“Why didn’t you join the orchestra?”
“I play as a hobby. I haven’t really trained for years.”
She saw him nod and waited for him to say more but he remained quiet as he leaned back, his eyes directed at the sky.
“What are you doing here anyway?”
“Nothing. Just...looking around. I have an alumni I.D. and all that.”
He still did not look at her.
“I knew that.”
Silence.
Grace couldn’t think of any other topic except the kiss incident and there was no way she would start a conversation about it so she imitated him and leaned back on her arms to look at the clouds.
After about three full minutes of observing cloud formations, she saw him move from her peripheral view. This time, he chose to stare at a potted bougainvillea across from them.
“Actually,” he began, his voice alarmingly clear. “You kissed me first.”