Well I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
And I know that your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound
I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter
Four O'clock comes and goes and Jax finds himself pacing the kitchen of his house calling Tara's cell for the 5th time. Again it goes to voicemail. "You said 4:00." Is all he says and hangs up. Its short, yet he can't let himself say anymore. He needs to try and keep it cool, always cool. That's what his attorney had told him.
He'd already called the moment he'd gotten home to tell him about Charlie.
"So she's kept your daughter from you for all these year. That's not going to look good to a judge."
"She didn't exactly keep her from me..."
Arthur cuts him off, "Did you know about her? "
"Well No, but..."
"Then she purposely kept your daughter from you and put herself in a relationship with a man still involved in criminal activity. Make sure you keep it all civil. No disagreements. Nothing she can pull out to use against you in court." Jax had decided against telling him about pulling a gun on the couple. "Jackson, I've no doubt I'll have your children in your care by the end of the week. I'll call you when I know more."
The litigator hung up before Jax could get in another word. Jax pinches the bridge between his eyes and nose. This complicated situation keeps getting more intricate. He's about to call her again when he hears a car door close. A knock at the door happens before he can look out the window. Opening the door he looks out at nothing, until he looks down. Thomas is standing there staring up at him holding up a picture he's drawn.
"It you daddy!" He exclaims and Jax thinks his heart might burst with joy.
He kneels down to Thomas's level and takes the picture. "Its awesome buddy. I love it." He says as his youngest son hugs him. As he takes Thomas in his arms and stand up Tara walks up to the door, Abel slightly behind her.
"I'm sorry I'm late." She says.
He moves aside to let them all in. However it's glaringly obvious that someone is missing. He looks at Tara who nods her head and silently mouths the word "later."
Abel looks around the kitchen. "Who lives here?" He says to no one in particular.
"I do son." Jax says.
Tara is amazed at the reverence in his voice. It has always gotten to her, the way a man so prone to violence and hardness can be so soft and sweet when it come to his children.
Abel looks around a little bit longer and then says, "No, before you? I've been here before."
Tara and Jax exchange knowing looks. "You're right" he says as he puts down Thomas and walks over to a so grown up Abel. "You have. You're grandma, my mom use to live here."
Abel glances down at the scars on his forearm and walks back behind Tara. Tara, sensing Jax's disappointment says, "Can I use your bathroom?"
She excuses herself to leave the boys alone with Jax, but instead of using the restroom she goes into one of the other back bedrooms to make a call.
"Chibs." The man on the other end answers.
"We're here." She says. "Thomas is thrilled but Abel is still a little reserved."
"Aye, he'll come around love. I gotta go. Club business."
They hang up the phone and Tara realizes that she's in Jax old bedroom, clearly where he is still sleeping instead of the master. It's a mess of bedding, beer bottles and the smell of bud. Tara can only imagine the debauchery that has gone down in here since he's been home.
She looks around the room feels like she's stuck in a time warp. It's like he's never left. Well, it's like 18-year-old Jax has never left. The same Harley posters with half naked girl line the walls, and the dated southern rock CD's on the shelf are a definite reminder of the simpler times.
She walks to the dresser and finds that not only are the wall adornments the same, but the same pictures of her and Jax still line his mirror. A mirror she used to look into on a daily basis and wonder how a guy like him ended up with a girl like her. She picks up one of the pictures and smiles. In the picture she's sitting in a tattoo chair looking over her shoulder at the newly inked crow on her lower back.
"Now everyone will know that Tara Knowles will ALWAYS belong to Jax Teller."
He had told her this with such happiness and excitement in his voice, and he's not wrong. That Tara will always belong to that Jax, it's the current incarnations that she's unsure of. She takes the picture and sits down on the beanbag chair in the corner.
***********************************************************************************************
The sound of hysterical laughter makes her jolt awake. It feels like it's been only a few minutes but the moonlight streaming in the window tells her otherwise. She must have fallen asleep. She stretches and blocks the glare from her eyes when she opens the door.
More laughter and the sound of video game fill the house. She hears laughter from all three of the boys in the living room. She leans against the wall in the hall and watches with a small smile creeping on her face. Jax is sitting on the floor playing cars with Thomas while cracking jokes with Abel about the racing game he's playing, a plate of sliced apples and caramel on the coffee table.
"Mommy!!!" Thomas gets up and runs to her.
"Hi little man. You guys having fun with dad?"
Thomas and Abel both start talking so fast and at the same time Jax just laughs, and Tara has no idea what either one of them is saying. She smiles at Jax. It's a stark reminder of what every day could have been, but Tara can't live with could have been. "Tell you what guys," she interrupts "Daddy and I need to talk, so can you guys keep playing while we go into the kitchen?" They both nod and go back to their games as Jax follows Tara into his kitchen.
"I'm sorry I fell asleep."
"It's ok, gave me some time with my boys." He says and pauses before asking "Charlie?"
Tara knows the answer is going to break his heart so she has put if off as long as she could. "I'm sorry. She didn't want to come." She sees the pain that is revealed only in his eyes. She sits and motions for Jax to join her. Once he is seated she continues, "She's having a hard time with all this." She pauses because she knows the next sentence is only going to cause conflict, "Chibs is the only fathers she ever known, she's not ready to know you yet."
He is trying to keep his temper in check. Keep it cool. "And whose fault is that?!"
"I'm sorry Jax. We'll keep trying. We will. I just don't want to force this on her. I don't want to make this harder."
"Harder on her or you?" He focuses those icy blue eyes on her.
"Yep. You're right Jax. I'm holding your daughter hostage. Making all of this harder on you. It's not at all about the fact that your 6-year-old daughter is having a hard time with all of this. Of course it's all about you. Always has been and always will be." She pushes up from the table and walks into the living room, "Time to go boys. Get your backpacks. NOW!" She commands, as the boys argue not wanting their time with their dad to end just yet.
"Get your things guys." He says. "I'm sorry." He looks at her again and she can see the immediate anger has drained from his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm just disappointed."
"I know you are Jackson, but I promise we will keep trying. We could all make this at bit easier and you could come to dinner so she can see that meeting you doesn't mean she loses Chibs."
"Jesus Christ Tara are you really suggesting that I come to dinner with you and him?"
"It would make everything a lot easier."
Can I pick up the boys from school tomorrow?" He asks avoiding the question. "I can't Tara and you can't really expect me to come to a home your share with him and our kids. I'd do a lot to make this easier but I can't do that. "
"Ok, you can pick up the boys from school." She says. She knows if the roles were reversed there's no way in hell she could step foot in any home he shared with another women.
On the drive back home she knows she's got some decisions to make, and she knows one that might be the right answer for right now. She needs to move. Living with Filip is unfair to him since she's so messed up about everything with Jax, and it wasn't fair to Jax who only wanted to know his children. Moving into her own, neutral place where both men could come until all of this was settled was the best of all the current bad options. So tomorrow she decides she will look for an apartment and hope for the best from it all.
***********************************************************************************************
Chibs hates hanging up on Tara so quickly, but it's been a long while since the club has had any business like the business he was about to conduct and he couldn't take any chances they thought the Sons had gone soft.
The sound of approaching bikes breaks the silence of the hillside, the men arriving mean business, they always mean business.
"Que pasa Jefe." Alvarez says as reaching for Chibs hand.
"Not too bad." They shake. "It's been a while."
"Too long. Órale man I hear the Jax is back."
"Long story." Chibs tries to avoid that conversation.
"I know we got history so outta respect for Jackson I wanted to let you know the Irish, man, they got a buzz going."
"What do they know?"
"Jax has come back to the family fold. Maybe getting the Sons back into guns ese?"
"Shit, no. Sons are out of guns and staying that way."
"I hear ya man, but those Irish pricks been looking for a reason to come at you. I gotta head out there's some shit hoppin off with the one-niners. Watch your backs and don't let it be so long before we meet again amigo."
Chibs shakes the hispanic mans hand again and watches him and the rest of the Mayans ride away. Tig approaches from behind.
"Everything ok Pres?"
"Call Jax. Tell him to be at church in an hour." He runs his hand through his hair as he watches his VP on the phone. The last thing he wants to do is talk to the former president but with the Jax on the IRA radar he's no choice to warn him.
***********************************************************************************************
When I walked out this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I'd be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone
I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter
Jax has been at Tara's house almost every day since she moved out. He still can't believe that Chibs called him demanding he show up at the clubhouse. How many times was he going to call, or more accurately have Tig or Bobby call? He had no intentions of answering the phone no matter how many times it rang. He didn't give one ounce about the club.
Sitting in Tara's living room with the boys both vying for his attention, Charlie across the room at her drawing table. She still was unsure about him, but at lest she didn't run away like the first few times he came over. He smiles as he catches her staring at him.
"What you drawing sweetness?" He asks as he walks over to her.
"Nufin." She says and looks down.
"Can I see?" He kneels down beside her. On the paper is a crayon drawing of a woman, a man, a little girl, two little boys and a dog. "It's beautiful!" He assures her.
"It's mommy, daddy, Tommy, Able and a dog. Daddy says if I'm a really good girl this year Santa might bring me a puppy." She seems to be watching him to gauge his reaction.
He knows he's got to keep it light, that his daughter doesn't need to see that inside he's already shot her "daddy" several time. "He did?! Well I think he has the right idea. Santa does watch us all year long. I bet if you keep being a good girl he will bring something great!"
"A puppy." She corrects him.
He laughs as he hears the muffled sounds of an argument from Tara's front door. He pats Charlie on the head and makes sure the boys are distracted before heading over to see what the arguments about.
"They are my kids too Tara, and I wanna see em." Chibs exalts.
Tara sighs frustrated. It seems the only one moving out helped was Jax. The kids are confused, Chibs is livid she and the kids are gone, and she's under more stress then she thought possible. "I know Filip. I'm not trying to keep them from you, but Jax is with them right now..."
"I don't' give a good god damn about Jax." He says his name full of disgust.
"That's been clear from the moment I set foot back in this hell of a town." Jax says in a controlled voice full of venom as he closes the apartment door behind him. "Is there a problem here?"
"I want to see my kids." Chibs spits back.
"But they're not your kids. They're mine. Mine and Tara, the only reason you had anything to do with them is because I wasn't around. Well your services are no longer needed. It's my family and I'll take it from here." The blonde shoots daggers with his eyes at his old friend.
"The hell you will!"
"Stop!" Tara says with such a voice that both men turn to look at her. "Stop it. I swear to god if the two of you don't grow up I won't let either of you around them! Yes, Jax you were absent from their lives and of course you deserve to be a part of it, but Filip loves them too. They are safe, and cared for, and they love him too."
"And you lass?" Chibs replies.
"Me what?" she responds.
"Do ya love me? You made this choice for our family without even talkin to me. You made the choice to do what was best for him. I keep waiting for you to see how much I care mo grah, but I guess it's out with the new and back in with the old."
"Chibs..." She says and it hurts so much to see him in pain.
"Aye, loud and clear love." He turns to leave Jax and Tara but turns around long enough to say, "You might want to contact your old Irish friends. They seem ta think ya here to get the sons back into guns. Might want to handle that shit before it pops off and you have no back up." He says, and the threat in his voice is clear.
Jax looks at the man that he use to respect and knows he's going to need further clarification on the illegal dealing of the IRA. He hates to admit it but he's going to have to talk Chibs.
Behind them the door open and out runs Charlie, "DADDY!!!!!!" She practically screams and runs into the waiting arms of the man she knows as father. He picks her up and hugs her so tight. Looking up he sees the sadness in his friends' eyes and knows this situation has no one person who did wrong. It started so long ago and they all did so many things they should have done differently.
Jax hates to admit it, but seeing Charlie light up at the mere sight of Chibs is the happiest he's seen her since they've been introduced. He'd do anything to see that smile on her face and the light in those eyes he sees in that very moment.
So I wanted to say this
Cuz I wouldn't know where to begin
To explain to you what I have been through
To explain where your daddy has been
I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter
He pushes the door farther open and says, "Come in. We clearly need to talk, and the boys would love to see you."
It's simple, it's small, and it's no reflection on how he feels about Chibs. Everything in him still wants to hurts this man for taking all the things he loves most, but it's not about him anymore. It's about his boys, his daughter and he simply can't deny her any happiness.
Lyrics– Zoe Jane by Staind.