phil sinks further into his office chair, his eyes almost struggling to not fall shut, his glasses resting on the bridge of his nose crookedly because he had no will to put on contact lenses today.
the screen of his computer is blaring, the harsh light almost unforgiving as an unedited advertisement blinks exaggeratedly in front of him, silently mocking phil and asking him to complete his work before he loses his job as well.
he's already lost a lot of things.
his fingers move aimlessly across the keyboard, the mouse of his computer scratching against it's pad, and phil can feel himself being drawn closer to the edge every time he miss clicks and has to start all over again.
his mind is focused on dan, his accusations making way into phil's brain and scattering all the thoughts he seemed to have collected, returning phil's state of mind back to being messy and uncoordinated and simply, incomprehensible.
phil almost feels guilty for not trusting dan. he had been accusing his own husband of cheating on him for the past couple months and if the pain of one single day is getting to phil this much, he can't even comprehend what he has put dan through.
yet again, the reason of their problems was stemming from phil. he had been so irrational, so irresponsible and so inconsiderate towards his family, always thinking about himself, his feelings, his issues, his anxiety. he has been so terribly selfish and no amount of apologies can fix his actions, or their consequences.
right in this moment he wants nothing but to see dan, to hug him, to comfort him, to convince him how madly in love phil was with him and just how desperately sorry he was. in this moment, he could do anything for dan, to make him feel better, to make dan feel like he could never ever do such a thing.
the thought of being intimate with another person like he is with dan sickens him to the extent where his fingers are shaking, and he wants a void to open up and swallow him whole just for thinking about it. he can't even believe he was contemplating on sharing something that was solely reserved for the only person he loved-he couldn't physically bring himself to kiss or touch or feel for any other person except dan.
it was his ignorance, his reluctance, his thoughts that lead them into the mess that they are in right now. it was him who couldn't trust dan, him who believed that dan could cheat on him with a person who he claimed was only his friend. it was all phil's fault.
he shook his head aggressively, taking a deep breath and grabbing his phone from the cluttered table, quickly dialling a number and pressing the device against the shell of his ear.
"dad? is everything alright?"
"take out the christmas decorations and an easy recipe for baking a cake," phil muttered hurriedly, saving his work and shutting down the computer, before grabbing his suit jacket from behind his chair and making his way out of the office.
"wait what? why?"
"i've got to apologise to someone,"
--
hELLo sorry for not updating for a while i hope you are all well and good :)