{edited}
May POV
I feel like shit today.
The downsides of taking the medication my doctor gave me is sometimes it makes me feel worse about myself, then the next day I'm fine.
I swear it's making me bipolar.
Today is my 7 week check up.
My legs dangle off the seat I'm on and I let the doctor examine me. It feels like a GYN visit more then anything.
Her eyes are a dark brown but she's nice. "How are you feeling?" She asks me, her name is Dr. Carmen.
"Okay." I answer softly. She writes down stuff on her computer and looks up at me. "So, everything looks good down there." I bite my lip. "Um, you can start having sexual intercourse again." I gulp. "If you were curious." I haven't thought about having sex with Harry. I kinda forgot about that.
She stands up and hands me pamphlets. "I know this isn't really want you want but I'm required to give it to you." I look down and feel sick.
How to deal with a loss of a child
A grieving Mother
Life after a loss of a baby
Depressed Mother
Depressed thoughts
These are some titles of the pamphlets. "Are these supposed to help?" I ask her.
"Yes, for closure." Closure in the fact that my child's dead? Will there ever be closure? I just nod.
***
I return home and walk to the dining room. Harry's on his laptop typing. "Hey babe, how did it go?" I hand him the pamphlets.
"I think they threw in Depressed Mother for fun." His eyes look up to me. They're soft.
"Are these supposed to help?"
"According to my doctor, it's supposed to give me closure." I sit next to him.
"How are you feeling?"
"Poopy." I mumble. "You?"
"Poopy." I tilt my head at him. "You're coming with me back home for Thanksgiving right?"
"You wanted me to go?" I ask.
"Of course, why wouldn't I?" I shrug my shoulders.
The thought of being around people make me sick honestly.
"I don't know." I respond.
"If you're not up for it, we can stay home." Harry reads my mind.
"I don't want you to miss out on seeing your family. You haven't seen your sister in months. Go, and have a good time."
"I can't have a good time if I'm not with you. I'm fine staying here."
Do it for Harry, May.
"Do you want to go?" I ask him.
"I don't mind. You'll get confronted about April and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."
"We'll go." I say. His head tilts.
"We don't have too."
"I'll be fine." I smile softly. "I'm going to take a nap." I stand up. I gently kiss his cheek and run my hand through my hair.
When I lay down and get comfortable I try to force myself to sleep so my negative thoughts crawling into my brain won't make me feel worse. I take deep breaths and soon fall asleep.
"Is this our new house Mommy?" My daughter asks while holding my hand.
"Yep." I say with a small smile. I go to my knees to meet her height. "Do you like it?" I ask while brushing her curls down. I can't believe she's four already.
She nods with a grin. "It's like one of those fancy houses we see near Grandma's house." She speaks slowly. I kiss her cheeks and stand back up. "How far does Grandma live from here?"
"Ten minutes." I say.
"Sweet." I smile at her.
"Wanna go see your new room?" I ask. April nods with a smile. Her dimples on her rosy cheeks.
We walk up the carpet steps. They're bright white and are soft. We stand at the top of the steps. Her hand intertwines with mine and I guide her to the room in the middle of the wide hallway. We step in and her eyes widen.
"This is my room?" Her blue eyes look up at me.
"Yeah, you like?"
"I get one of those cool windows." She points to the bay window in the corner. "And a big closet. I love it." I kiss the top of her head.
"You showed her, her room already?" I hear Harry comment behind us. April and I turn around.
"It was too tempting not to." I say with a smile. Harry picks up our daughter and kisses her cheek.
"Do you like your room Princess?"
"I love it." Her arms wrap around his neck. Harry smiles at her and then looks to me.
"Do you wanna go check out the rest of the house?" Harry asks April.
"Yes." He puts her down. She walks out of her room and Harry extends his hand out toward mine.
"How's the house?"
"More then I thought we would pay for." My eyes look to Harry.
There were two house. This one was the more expensive one but we could still afford it. The other house needed a little more work and was cheaper.
"This house reminds me of the one I lived in." Harry grins. "It's a nice house. Plus, I know you would only want the other house because you want a dog."
That's true. I came up with the theory if we can get the cheaper house, the rest of the money can go to a dog.
"April wants a dog too." I say.
"We can still get a dog, a cat, whatever you guys want." He leans in and kisses me.
"I'm keeping that on you Mr. Styles." My eyes narrow.
"I know Mrs. Styles." I smile at his words and kiss him.
"Also this house has more bedrooms."
"I've noticed." I say with like glancing at them.
"We can't leave them empty forever." I laugh as well as himself.
"Let's check up on April." I say while poking his dimple creasing on his cheek. We head down stairs and walk to the kitchen. She's examining everything.
"Whatcha think of the kitchen darling?" Harry asks her while picking her up swiftly.
"It's big and I can't reach anything."
"Good, stay small." He kisses her forehead. "Did you see the in ground pool?"
"There's an in ground pool?" Harry nods and goes outside to shower her.
I follow behind them slowly and watch them. A smile is on my mouth.
I love April so much. She reminds me so much of Harry and it makes my heart warm. They're so close and I love it.
She's my whole world and my ball of sunshine. She's so beautiful and smart and it makes me feel like whatever I went through in high school or in my life in general was worth it because I got the most amazing daughter.
"Mommy did you see the pool?" April asks me. I walk over to them.
"Yeah, it's pretty fancy isn't it?" She nods.
"Daddy said we can get a slide and colored lights." I look to Harry who's looking at me with a smile.
He spoils her so much to the point I'm scared we're going to go in debt.
"I want the dog first." I tell him. "A big golden retriever." I look to April who's grinning at me.
"We'll get the dog when we move all our stuff in, okay?"
"Okay." I kiss his lips briefly. My daughter fist bumps me making Harry laugh.
When Harry graduated college a few years back, his Dad automatically got him interviews for business positions. I guess that's a perk of having a father who is a successful businessman.
That was good for us, because the job Harry got pays really well.
Really well.
Hence the house and everything.
When I graduated college I got an internship at a publishing office in Seattle. It was cool because it gave me an incite on the field I wanted to be in. Now, I work there as an editor and writer for one of their magazines. I go to the office building located some-what in town. It's a 20 minute drive, but I'm not complaining. I have my own office and everything.
I have everything I ever wanted. Actually more. I look back to April and kiss the side of her head. Her bright blue eyes meet mine and I grin slightly.
"May, wake up." I hear Harry's voice echo through my ears. My eyes peel open and I blink a few times and let the tears roll down my cheeks. His own tears are running down his face. He pulls me into his chest and strokes the back of my head.
"W-what happened?" I ask timidly.
"You started sobbing in your sleep." I bite my lower lip and hold onto him.
It was a nice dream.
Another what if dream that makes me feel dead in the inside though.
"What were you dreaming of?" Harry asks. His voice shaky.
"We were moving into a new house with her." I leave it at that and let the thought of that sink into me.
I wonder why I was sobbing. It's most likely for the reason that I knew it was a dream and that none of that stuff will happen.
It won't happen...
I won't get to see her when she's four and I won't get to compare how she looks like Harry or myself.
I find myself crying again and Harry comforting me. "It's okay." He kisses the top of my head. I grip onto his chest.
"I want her back." I say through tears. His hand runs through my hair, soothing me. Harry kisses the side of my head and he just holds me.
"M-my M-mom hates me, my real d-dad didn't want me, I was n-neglected a-and hated by my f-father at some point. My s-sisters used to h-hate me and I go-got bullied everyday. N-now my daughter d-died. Why does God hate me so much?" His grip tights around me. "I-I never went to high school parties, I never smoked, I never drank, I-I got a 4.0 GPA in high school a-and was a good stu-student and I n-never slept around, is that not enough to fucking please him?"
"I don't have anything to say to that besides that what happened is fucked up. But she had something wrong with her May. And we couldn't change that."
"H-how can she be fine one minutes and gone the next?" I hiccup. "S-she would kick when I didn't have my hand on my bump, that made me feel happy because she wanted my hand there to comfort her somehow. I wanted to be the Mom I never had. W-why can't I ever get the things I want?" Harry kisses the top of my head. He holds me tighter and kisses my skin.
A://N
hola
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~lauren