京都市、二日目
Pai tossed and turned the whole night, but she wasn't able to get a wink of sleep by the time she heard footsteps pattering about outside her door as the Palace woke to a new day. Her room didn't have any windows, but she didn't need them to know that the Palace was bathed in sunlight. She wondered what it looked like, but she was too physically drained to get up and go see for herself.
The good thing about not sleeping for as long as she knew she needed was that she fended off any chance of having another nightmarish memory haunt her. They came irregularly, but when they did, it was hard for her to even pretend to function normally the next day.
The bad thing was that she was so, so tired.
She stayed on her futon, blanket tangled around her body, spread-eagled as she examined the minute cracks running over the fine wood of the ceiling above her head. Her mind was empty as a desert plain, her body running on automaton as she breathed slowly. A part of her wondered what she would do for the day. She could laze about, but she knew she would quickly grow bored of it.
She was supposed to be acting as Shiori's handmaiden, but Shiori had to be present for the next two days for the signing of the treaties by Kouta's side that day. 'To look like some pretty eye-candy,' she had indignantly stated. Handmaidens didn't attend such things, and if Pai had gone to it, it would have drawn unnecessary and unwanted attention to her.
She figured that she could always go out and ask one of the attendants if she could be of any help to them, but she'd probably wind up being more of a nuisance for not knowing what to do and having to be shown the ropes. That was the last thing she wanted.
Pai didn't know what else she was supposed to do in the meantime. She'd thought that she and Shiori would spend most of this trip together. That they weren't left her untethered and a little wary of venturing out on her own.
When she could no longer stand idleness, she pushed herself up from the bed. Since she couldn't exactly fulfil her imaginary role as handmaiden, she might as well go out and explore Kyoto city on her own. She had always wanted to, since she was a young girl flipping through history books and looking at the breath-taking pictures of Japan's imperial palaces and shrine temples. Pai had also snagged a tourist brochure from the airport, so she knew where she wanted to go.
Her hair was a mess to deal with, again. She kept forgetting to fix it before going to sleep. After dealing with that, she pulled on a pair of black tights and another oversized t-shirt – this one maroon – whose sleeves reached her elbows. Her socks were mismatching, one purple and the other blue, but she didn't mind. She packed all the things she thought she could possibly need for a daytrip out in the city to wherever she ended up going; her phone, wallet, headphones, Kindle, sunglasses, lip balm that Shiori had recommended to her that made her lips look a pretty shade of natural pink, a water bottle, and a thin picnic blanket she rolled up tight and stuffed in her bag in case she found a park to spend time in.
She walked down the many corridors to the entrance of the Palace, sticking close to the walls and trying to avoid making eye contact when she could, bowing respectfully when she couldn't. Pai had thought to just go out and look around the main village, but the very idea of doing so, all by her lonesome, terrified her.
It wasn't that she minded being alone. It was more like she was scared of someone attempting to talk to her when she was on her own and couldn't hide behind someone, like Daichi, to make the conversation for her, as he'd done the day before yesterday.
Her stomach broiled with heat. She knew that by today, most – if not all – Hengen accompanying their Kings were somewhere in the village. They were in the Palace as well; she could tell from the way some people wore clothes starkly different to what the Tengu who worked in the Palace wore. Everyone else she knew was busy, and she wouldn't know how to begin looking for them in the vastness of the Palace on her own anyway.
But at least in the city she'd be surrounded by humans, and know how to make her way around on her own. If she got lost, all she needed to do was put on an innocent, confused smile and point at the brochure when asking directions, to show that she was unfamiliar with the city and needed help. It always worked.
And if it didn't...well, she didn't train with two Daitengu for no reason.
She quickly walked through the many halls with the tourist brochure open in her hands, squinting through the bright morning sunlight at the pictures and captions under them, wondering where she could go to first. She squinted when sunlight fell on the pictures as she reached the landing of the staircase leading out of the Palace.
She wasn't looked where she was going, but when a familiar voice called to her she looked up and almost ran right into Shin.
He had stopped in the middle of her way as if to catch her attention. His hands shot out to grip her shoulders and steady her wobbly balance when she almost tripped over the staircase. He gave her a small smile as he released her when she finally righted herself.
"G – good morning, Shin-san," she said gratefully, her shoulders still tingling from where he had so briefly touched her. "Thanks."
"Morning," he greeted. A slight frown darkened his face as he reached up to brush the tip of his thumb under her right eye. Pai kept herself still as a statue at the unexpected move. She watched him blink, as if surprised at himself. He withdrew his hand yet she still could not move. "You didn't sleep."
Pai gulped nervously, rooted to the spot. "How do you know?"
"You have shadows under your eyes."
"Oh," she mumbled, reaching up to touch her cheek. She hadn't been around a mirror yet so she didn't know how deep the shadows must have been for Shin to notice. Some would probably call her mad for how rare she used mirrors, but...she didn't like looking in them. She didn't always like the person staring back. "It is not easy to get used to a new place, I guess."
He nodded at her attire. "You headed somewhere?"
"Shii-chan is with Kouta-sama for the, um, signing of the Treaties," she said, not knowing how else to phrase it. "So I thought I would go into the city and take a look around."
"On your own?" he asked, eyebrow lifting dubiously.
Recalling her sleepwalking attack on Shin the other night, she said confidently, "I am not sleep-walking. I think I will be fine."
He shook his head. "No, it's not that." He glanced down at his wrist, as if expecting to see a watch there though there wasn't, before looking up at her again. Shin was standing one step below her, even though his tall stature still made it so that they were at eye-level rather than her being the taller one. It made a nice difference, though, that she didn't have to tip her head so far up to look him in the eye. "Can you wait ten minutes? I'll go with you, but I need to get changed."
She finally took notice of what he was wearing. He was dressed in black slacks with white stripes down the sides and a form-fitting sleeveless tee that showed off his leanly muscled body. A thin sheen of sweat beaded on the tanned skin of his arms. A pair of comfortable-looking trainers were on his feet, well-worn but still more than functional.
She did her best not to stare at his lithe body. She'd seen him dressed similarly back at Ayashi House when he trained, but after everything that happened between them, now it seemed...different, to see him like this. It felt different to have him stand so close. She didn't want to move away from him like she usually did when in such proximity with someone.
A blush crept up her cheeks when she remembered his arms caging her in, eyes blazing as she was backed up against the tree, the anger in them when he realized she wanted to leave everyone behind...including him.
Was it then? Was that when he snuck under her defences as the only one who she didn't instinctively want to shove away?
Or was it before, before when she was desperate to save him from himself? Before when he saved her life? Before when he helped her pick fruit he didn't even know much about from a tree? Before when he patched her scratched-up hands? When he found her trying to hide her shaking hands from everyone? When his was the first face she saw when she woke up with no memory, leaning over her with a gentle hand on her forehead to check for fever, midnight blue eyes widening in surprise when hers opened?
When?
Shaking the memories away, she took her phone out to check the time, having forgotten to strap on her watch. It was 08.48 AM.
"Were you training?"
He hummed in affirmation. "It was hell. Haru's pretty much dead by now. Kaede's trying to revive him, but there's little hope for success."
Pai couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled out of her before she cleared her throat and tried to assume a proper stance. She used putting her phone away in her bag as an excuse to look away and rally herself up.
"You do not need to take time out of your schedule just to come with me," she informed him, trying to sound prim when she was still trying to figure him out. "I mean, you must be busy, and I do not want to be in your way."
"Trust me, I'm not busy." He replied smoothly.
That threw her. "But...Daichi-san said you are Kouta-sama's second-in-command? Should you not remain here?"
Shin grinned wickedly, and her breath caught at the sight of it. "Ryosuke's got the hang of it. And if something happens, I can make it back quickly."
"Ah," she maundered as she lifted her hand to her chest, gently fisting it over her heart. Her thumb pressed back on the pendant she wore under her shirt. "Daichi-san also said you hate all this."
"He didn't get that wrong. Besides, there are a lot of Hengen out in the city, as well." He tilted his head to the side as he crossed his arms over his chest. "I'd feel better with you in my sights than knowing you're out there alone."
Her heart skipped a beat. Pai blamed it on Kuniumi, who snickered at the back of her mind. She didn't know how to reply to that, so she went with what she could.
"I – if you say so," she mumbled hesitantly. "Only if you are absolutely sure, Shin-san. I really do not want you to get in trouble because of me."
"Who'd scold me?" he smirked. It caught her by surprise, and had her own lips moving in a mimic of it. "Give me ten minutes?" he said as he started up the stairs and kept his eyes fixed on her. He was waiting for her answer.
Pai wondered if it was because he thought she might try to go on her own anyway, to avoid 'getting him in trouble'. She also wondered who actually would scold him if he did get in trouble. Kouta? No, he'd prefer getting into trouble with Shin than scolding Shin for it. Maybe Sojobo Kurama himself?
She really couldn't picture anyone scolding Shin.
She nodded and pointed at the stair she stood on. "I will be waiting right here."
It was only when Shin jogged up the remaining stairs and disappeared in the Palace that she realized people were staring at her. At first, she thought it was because of her white hair. It was the first thing she always thought when people stared. But she'd dyed her hair black for this very reason; to avoid being gawked at.
Mostly, it was the women going about their daily Palace duties who stared. The looks they shot her weren't overtly friendly. Some were curious. More looked a little...venomous. Some even had their faces all twisted, like they had eaten something nasty.
Keeping her eyes low, she moved to lean back on the stone railing of the staircase. She pulled her phone out again and clicked it on, swiping through the menu meaninglessly as an excuse not to look awkward while waiting for Shin to come back. From her periphery she could still see women staring at her, looking like they had just sucked on sour lemons.
They're jea-lous. Kuniumi sang.
Pai frowned in confusion. Why would they be?
She laughed. Oh, you poor, naïve girl. Every women in the vicinity wants one of the Daitengu for themselves.
That wasn't surprising. The Daitengu were young, fit, attractive men. She wasn't blind. But she didn't understand why anyone would be jealous of her. Most – if not all – of the women she saw here were incredibly beautiful, as Hengen were. Pai usually tried not to draw any attention to herself so as to avoid drawing comparisons between her and the women.
Pai wasn't ugly, far from it – and she knew that – but she wasn't exceptionally beautiful, either. She had the looks most girls her age coveted, but not exaggerated enough that she was a total knockout.
She was quite plain compared to more beautiful, mainstream women. Her cheekbones were defined, here eyelids naturally double-lidded, and her lips had a nice curve to them. She thanked most of that on her quarter Bulgarian heritage. But her looks weren't exactly uncommon.
Now with her black hair, she wouldn't so much as turn people's heads if she walked into a room. She could go around completely unnoticed, which was just how she liked it. Flying under people's radars was the best way to get around, unhindered by useless distractions.
Think about it, she pressed. Think about how friendly an outsider would think you look with the Daitengu. Everyone knows by now that you live with them. Daichi took you to see his family. Shin touched you as a lover just now. Can you really not see why they would perceive you as a threat?
Threat? she repeated, focusing on that instead of Kuniumi's comment about Shin. It sent her heart in frenzy, and she could feel it clenching even as she pressed a tight fist to her chest in an effort to physically push the jittering thing called 'heart' to silence. I think that's pushing it.
She pulled out her headphones and put them on, then clicked on iTunes. She hopped up on the railing like Shiori had yesterday as she scrolled through the music there, with some choice additions included, courtesy of Shiori and her assumption that Pai's taste in music belonged in movies, since all she tended to listen to were original film scores and trailer music.
Never underestimate how far a woman can and will go to get what she wants. Kuniumi muttered darkly.
Pai tapped on the playlist she had saved with but three songs; Shattered Empire by The Secession, Give Us A Little Love by Fallulah (a song she'd discovered when she stumbled upon a fanmade anime trailer for the manga Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai), and the From Here To Eternity track from Devilman Crybaby (Shiori watched a lot of weird anime. Pai was subject to all of it. Nobody could blame her for liking some of the music from them). The quiet, haunting lullabye of pianos and violins in the first song easily drowned Kuniumi out.
Pai was a polite girl. She let people finish their sentences, and she never interrupted them when they talked. But Kuniumi tended to bring out the extremes in her. She didn't feel bad for blocking her out with the music as she amped up the volume just enough so that her eardrums didn't break, but she didn't hear anything else at all, neither from the outside of her mind, or the inside.
As she listened to the music, she looked out at the already awake village in front of her. People had set up their stalls for another market day, laying out their wares for view. Cats and dogs chased each other down the streets, though she couldn't tell if they were Ayakashi, or just ordinary pets. Neither could she tell what types of Hengen were walking about. They all looked the same, so normal, just people going about their business with barely any hint or indication of their Ayakashi natures.
Because of the music, she wasn't aware Shin was standing behind her until she drew her mind away from the music long enough to look at the time, realize it had been twelve minutes, and look back to see him there.
He was wearing jeans and a thin black sweater with a V-neck deep enough that she could see just a hint of his tattoos on his chest, and a black leather jacket that fit him well. His katanas were in dual sheathes strapped to his back. Water clung to his somewhat dry hair, making him look like he had just come from taking a shower under crystals.
She startled as she pushed her headphone to her neck and dropped down from sitting on the railing. "Sorry," she said. "The music was loud."
"What were you listening to?" he asked curiously. He gestured, and they began to walk down the stairs together. Pai did her best to ignore the stares she could feel boring into her back as she walked by Shin's side.
She debated whether or not to let him know about her odd taste in music. "Uh, I doubt you have heard it."
"You never know. May I?" he held out his hand, and she took off her headphones to pass them to him.
He fit them over his head and she pressed the PLAY button, carefully watching his expression. The first song to play was Shattered Empire, and she loved it, mostly because she was obsessed with violins. The next song was by an Dutch singer, though. What if he thought it was weird she was listening to music in English? But he didn't look like he found the music he listened to strange...it looked as if he actually liked it.
They walked on together in a strangely companionable silence, connected by the wire of her headphones, Shin listening and Pai holding her phone. They were already approaching the outer edges of the village when Shin removed her earphones and handed them back to her. She glanced down and saw that From Here To Eternity was playing its ending notes.
"Did you like them?" she asked nervously.
"Your music taste is very good," he remarked. She could hear the he truly meant it, though she would be hard-pressed to ascertain why she thought so. "I might come to you for recommendations one of these days."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
"Shii-chan thinks it is weird," she said as she wound her headphones around her neck and stuffed her phone in the sidepocket of her backpack. "She cannot wrap her head around how I know the name of this song from half a world away, but I do not know the opening or ending songs for Fugou Keiji."
"She's making you watch it, too?" he asked.
"'Too'?"
"Kouta was humming Navigator the whole morning. I almost killed him for it because now it's stuck in my head."
She didn't even bother to stop the laugh that broke out of her at his words. His lips kicked up in a smile at her words as she said knowingly, "If he knows it, then she probably made him watch every episode the whole night. Before yesterday I had to watch Nurarihyon no Mago with her. And I think she is planning to marathon Gintama with Haru-san for a dare."
"To see who can watch the most episodes before crashing?" he asked.
"How did you know?"
"He made me promise to scatter his ashes to the wind if she tries to murder him after he wins."
She laughed again, the muscles in her abdomen squeezing tight as the laugh bubbled and popped out of her. Shin was smiling, showing more restraint than she was capable of, but still – he was smiling.
"She's that nervous about all this, isn't she?" he asked when she wrestled control of herself.
Everyone knew that Shiori's binge-watching of anime tended to go overboard when she was nervous. It wasn't unusual to find that she had shot through three hundred episodes just a few days before a major game.
She nodded, remembered the moment she and Shiori shared yesterday, at the sakura tree that brought all Shiori's insecurities brimming to the surface. She remembered the fierce determination burning in her eyes to prove that she was worthy of being with Kouta.
She smiled. "Yes. But I think she will be better now."
"Hm." She glanced at him to find him watching her intently. "Did you have anywhere in mind to go?"
They were now in the forest surrounding the main village, between the outer edges of the village and the barrier. She'd barely noticed that they had left the village. She looked back and saw that they line of trees they'd walked through just five minutes ago had already obscured the view of the last visible building in the village.
She focused back in front of her as they began to go down the steepening slope. She knew they were going to the gatekeeper they'd met when coming into the village, a big, burly, silent man who reminded her of Karasatengu. What she wasn't sure of was the distance between the barrier and the village itself.
"I was thinking to just look around," she spoke quietly, not wanting her voice to be loud over the chirping of the birds in the trees. "Maybe go to one of the old imperial palaces here. Midori used to bring books from school about history, and she would show me pictures of the palaces here, and the gardens. I have always wanted to come and see them myself. To see if they were that pretty in real life, up close." She looked down at her feet, watching her shoes flash by as she walked. "I always thought I would come here with my family for vacation, or visit with my sister when she came back for breaks from university. I thought that we would go to the palaces together."
Saddened at the reminder of her missing family, and the hurt and confusion that bloomed in her like a black flower of despair when she thought of her sister and the note in the tactical rifle bag, she fell silent. Shin didn't say anything, understanding without being told that she needed a moment to herself, to gather her senses about her.
Their shoes crunched on the crackling leaves underfoot, the twigs breaking with wet sounds from the light rains that showered the mountainside during the night. The further away the got from the village, the colder she felt, until she was shivering from it.
Stupid, she cursed. She had gotten used to the permanent heat from being surrounded by so many Ayakashi in the Palace that she hadn't remembered how cold she always was because of Kuniumi, even when she wasn't there to make Pai cold now. It wasn't as brutal as it could get in Sapporo, especially with the onset of spring, but it was still chilly enough that she knew her teeth would be chattering before long.
Pai glanced up, startled, when she felt something sturdy yet soft settle over her shoulders. Shin had taken off his leather jacket and draped it over Pai's shivering form. She opened her mouth to protest. Before she could he said, "Keep it. It's just for show, anyway. I don't feel cold, remember?"
"Oh. Yeah." She'd almost forgotten, actually. "Thank you."
She settled into the jacket, still warm from his body, fitting her arms through the sleeves. It felt strange to wear something that belonged to him, but at the same time it felt so good. The jacket was too big for her. The hems of the sleeves dangled two inches over her fingertips. The shoulder pads dwarfed her.
She loved it.
She ducked her head furtively and breathed in the scent of apples, smiling as she looked up at the lush green forest around them. Her mood was better already.
Pai lost her footing when she stepped on a rock hidden under the leaves and sticks blanketing the ground. Her leg wobbled and she threw her hands out to catch herself, but there was nothing to grab on to. Her heart jolted in her chest when hands caught her by her waist, under the jacket, firm and strong, holding her steady as she righted her balance again.
Shin held on to her a second longer than was absolutely necessary, his long fingers gripping her sides gently. A crimson blush rose up over her cheeks at the warmth that seeped into her from Shin's hands before he stepped away, though he kept a hand at the small of her back to make sure she didn't fall again.
"You okay?" he asked.
There was something in his eyes, the way his eyebrows looked like he was about to start frowning. He looked confused, for a second, before it cleared like smoke being blown away by a gust of wind. She was left to wonder if she had really seen the confusion, or if she was just projecting her own from wondering why he had held her for one second longer. There was no way she'd imagined it – she never could have imagined a single second could stretch for so long.
She nodded nervously. "S-sorry. I did not see that there."
He smirked. "Well, if you fall, I'll just catch you again."
The blush on her face deepened as she realized he was teasing her, and she ducked her head so he wouldn't see it. She knew it was probably too late for that. Shin had a strange knack for winding her up so easily, catching her completely off-guard almost every single time. She both hated and loved it.
They met the gatekeeper waiting outside his simple house. He took the coins Pai and Shin gave him, and nodded them ahead, giving them leave to go on to the river they could see just a few metres ahead where the bridge they crossed on the first day was.
She wasn't even aware of any changes happening. She didn't feel anything.
All she knew was that when she looked up from gazing down at the river below to see if there were any fish, there the second – or the first, depending on where you came from – gatekeeper stood at the end of the ravine they had just climbed down from. When she glanced back, she couldn't see the first gatekeeper they just met not five minutes ago, or the house he lived in.
"That is not something easy to understand," she commented as she snuggled in to the leather jacket.
"You get used to it after a couple of times going back and forth." Shin replied, waving his hand back and front lazily. "To us, it's as normal as the trees around us, or the sun in the sky."
"How long has the barrier been here?" she asked.
"Ever since the first Sojobo brought our people here when Ayakashi started migrating and settling permanently here. That was..." he closed one eye as he thought about it. "If I've got my history right, that was four thousand odd years ago."
"Four thousand?" she repeated, astonished.
He chuckled at the bedazzled disbelief on her face. "Things of Ayakashi origin have more durability than humans do."
"That is...unbelievable," she said, still struggling to wrap her head around it.
First it was the sakura tree that was five thousand years. Now it was the barrier that protected the main Tengu village that was older than anything she could imagine. She wondered how old the Ayakashi could get, how long they lived before passing on.
How old are you?
Older than you can possibly fathom.
She paused momentarily as Kuniumi started to fade away again. That was more answer than Kuniumi had ever given her before, to anything. It wasn't much, certainly not enough for her to figure out exactly who Kuniumi was, but it was better than the nothing she had been living on for the last two months. And of course Kuniumi still managed to make her answer as both specific and vague at the same time.
Typical.
Shin called out to her, having walked on ahead for a few paces before he realized she wasn't following. She hurried to catch up to him. She blinked owlishly as she took note of the lack of weapons strapped at his back.
"Where are your katanas?" He never went anywhere without them. He'd had them when they started down the mountain, hadn't he?
With a half-smile playing on his lips, he reached back over his shoulder. An instant later, in the space of one blink and the next, the dual sheathes of his katanas appeared out of nowhere. He was gripping one sheathe at the end. "I can make objects I touch invisible."
"Cool," she breathed as he let go of the end of his katana. The sheathed blades melted from visible sight. It was as if they'd never been, yet she knew that they were still there – just unseen.
"Since I've lived here most of my life," he went on, glancing down at her. "I can be the tour guide, if you want."
She grinned at that. "And I can be the clueless tourist."
×
She played the part of clueless tourist spectacularly.
She had flipped through the brochure the second she'd gotten her hands on it, and so she knew that there were so many things to do in Kyoto that it would take a whole month just to scratch the surface. As such, she picked out the few things she absolutely did not want to miss out on.
She thought about visiting one of the shrines Kyoto was world-renown for, but since Ayakashi and Kamigami weren't on such friendly terms (understatement of the century), she decided against it. After everything that had happened to Shin, she didn't want to make him do anything he didn't want to, and considering the Kamigami were ready to kill him...yeah, not a good idea.
Pai and Shin went first to Ryozen Kanon, since she wanted to visit the ordinary tourist-must-see spots first. The shrine beneath the war memorial was the only one they went to. When she asked Shin why he looked so sad as they looked at the memorial tablets inscribed with the names of the two million Japanese who died in the Second World War, he said he wished so many hadn't died just because their Kings had been stupid and greedy for more territory, allowing their war to spill into the human world.
After hearing that, she wanted to lift his spirits up, though she wasn't entirely sure how to go about doing it. So she did what she could think of – she hummed Navigator cheerfully and loudly as they walked on the streets. It made Shin grin at her, and jokingly threaten to dunk her in one of the ponds they passed at the temple just so that she'd stop.
After that, they ate okonomiyaki at Nishiki Warai for an early lunch before moving on. Most of their day was spent with her gazing in wondrous amazement at all the sights around her, Shin laughing whole-heartedly at her star-struck expressions and the glowers she aimed at him when he teased her.
It was only when they went to Monkey Park Iwatayama, crowded with more monkeys than she had ever seen in her life in one spot, did she find out Shin's weakness; he wasn't overly found of the little furry friends. In fact, she'd go as far as to say that he was downright terrified of them.
Shin. Genuinely scared of something. She'd never thought she'd live to see this day.
While she giggled at the monkey that climbed up to her shoulder and sat there, looking out over everything like the king of the world, Shin stood stock-still when the monkey clambered from her outstretched arm to perch on his shoulder. He hardly breathed as the monkey prodded at his cheek with a finger, and then fussed in confusion when it felt Shin's katanas yet couldn't see them. She teased him relentlessly about his monkey fear until he bribed her with yaki onigiri to make her conveniently 'forget' he had any such fear.
She was fairly sure he was more than aware that there was no way she'd forget any of this. The silent, mysterious façade that Shin kept up was slipping more and more, revealing the person he was under that mask – she was loving every moment of it, committing it to memory.
At one point, she caught Shin trying to be sneaky about paying for the vanilla ice-cream she ordered. Before he could do anything about it, she ordered chocolate ice-cream as well, paid for it, handed it to Shin and threatened to tell everyone back home that he was petrified of monkeys if he even thought about paying her back the money for his ice-cream.
Pai was just throwing away the tissue paper she'd used to hold the stick from which she had finished the yakitori Shin bought her five minutes ago when what had started as a good day dissolved into a nightmare.
They were standing at a street-corner away from the crowd of people waiting for the traffic lights to turn red so they could cross the road. Pai and Shin wound up spending the better part of the day exploring the city. It was already going on five o'clock by the time they realized they needed to be heading back to the main village. Shin's head was tipped back as he kept an eye on the traffic lights, hands in the pockets of his jeans.
She still had his jacket on. He hadn't asked for it back. She decided that she would only give it back unless he asked, and if he didn't, then she would do it when they got back to the Palace. She liked wearing it.
She was smiling giddily and looking around herself at the people who stood next to her, yet paid her no attention whatsoever. It was an unusual phenomenon. She was so used to people always staring at her because of her hair, that to have people not do so was a nice change. She was tired, her legs aching in a way she knew she wouldn't enjoy having to deal with tomorrow, but she couldn't bring herself to regret any part of this day.
For now, she was satisfied. No, more than that – she was happy. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been this happy with someone who wasn't Shiori, and even then she was always checking herself, always making sure that she wasn't forgetting herself or the people she was around.
Today...today was the first time she got to be happy for herself.
Even Kuniumi hadn't been a bother, as if she had sensed Pai's need to have at least one normal day to herself. She had been gone for most of the day, only very occasionally straying in to make some random correction about this landmark or the supposed story tied to that architectural marvel. Pai never made any comment aloud about what Kuniumi said because she had no idea how Kuniumi knew those things in the first place.
Her eyes passed over someone who stood at the curb on the opposite side of the road looking up at the street lights the same way Shin was. Long bangs drawn over to the right side of her face, a section of her hair braided close to her scalp down the other side. Dressed in black, in a uniform that was from her memories of missions, missions where red gushed out of pale skin, where someone always died.
Green eyes connected with hers and sparked.
Pai blinked in surprise, shocked, thinking that lack of sleep was making her delirious. But when her eyes opened, they were still there.
Snatches of green. Glimpses of black hair. Standard issue leather-synth uniform.
She was on the road before the traffic lights turned red, abandoning Shin's side faster than he could react. The last car to go on the green light swerved to avoid hitting her, honking in a fit of road rage as it drove off.
She jerked to the side, but it was an automatic, reflexive move. She wasn't watching where she was going – she didn't care. The light turned red. People surged forward after her, enveloping her, suffocating her. The green eyes and black hair and leather-synth clothes were lost in the onslaught of the crowd.
No – no! Where'd she go?
She swivelled on her feet as she moved, twisting and turning and almost tripping over her own feet but not caring at all if she fell.
Where did she go!
"Pai?" he called out. "Pai-ch – Pai, wait!"
She didn't hear Shin frantically yelling for her. It was like she forgot everything and everyone and nothing mattered more than finding that person before someone else could end up leaking red out of arms and legs and necks.
She jerked to a halt, eyes darting about as she desperately sought out those eyes again, those sparkling green eyes that she wanted to see again so bad it hurt. She squinted at the throng of people that bumped and pushed at her as they hurried across the road. All were intent on getting to where they needed to go before the light turned green for the cars to speed on ahead again.
They parted like a sea around her as she stood, twisting around, tripping on the balls of her feet, trying to find something she was growing sickeningly certain wasn't there anymore. There were so many people around her that if a single person fell they would be crushed underfoot before anyone could even notice.
Then, there.
On the other side of the road. Pai saw her.
She saw her.
There, standing on the pavement on the other side of the road, she looked back at Pai with her lips parted in shock. Their eyes met across the road, bright green to light brown, honey to jade, over all the people separating them. A molten iron fist dripping in hot lava punched her gut.
Midori.
A murderous hatred surged, tainting her in black despair and red rage. Pai flinched, and her lips pulled back over her teeth before she could stop Kuniumi's reaction from showing on her face. She made a step to go to her, to run.
Pai was roughly pushed by a man in a charcoal grey suit as he pushed past her, shooting rapid-fire instructions in Russian down the phone he had squashed between his cheek and shoulder as he scribbled on his palm with a pen. His move was so strong that she lost her balance, and she stumbled back.
Shin's arms come up around her as he caught her. She fell back against his chest, unable to stop herself in time. She allowed herself a moment in his arms, to feel the stir of hair at her nape as he breathed sharply in relief. Then she immediately pushed herself off, brain working on a single track and oblivious to everything else around her. She made a move to run ahead again, to run after her lest she disappear from Pai's life, again.
Before she could, Shin caught her wrist in his hand and pulled her back to him, then dragged her off from standing in the middle of the road. He drew her close to him, one arm wrapped around her torso, almost as if he was sheltering her from being touched by the people walking past on the street with his own body.
It was like he knew that she couldn't stand the touch of other people except his. For the few seconds it took to get from the road to the pavement by the street she was completely enveloped in blissful warmth that liquefied her. She could almost forget what she'd just seen.
But she couldn't.
Shin spun her around, gripped her shoulders in his hands and bent his knees just enough so that he was at eye-level with her. There was a quiver in the strength of his arms. It was like he was trying to keep himself from squeezing her, holding her closer still.
His eyes blazed in anger. "What the hell was that? You don't just run into the road like that, you could have been run over!"
She stared at him, oddly frantic and numb all at once. She had never seen Shin lose his cool like this before. He looked so frantic, so worried, so scared. She didn't know what she could say to justify herself.
Instead, she leaned back from him and craned her neck, still desperately searching. But no matter how much she looked, no matter how many faces jumped to and from as she identified them as strangers and dismissed them as unimportant, she knew that there was no point.
She was gone.
Midori was gone.
She was there, she was there, and now she was gone.
A tear slipped and fell down her face. Her eyes burned, but she couldn't muster enough energy to stop the tears from falling, her body breaking down as she slumped in dejection. It was only when she dropped her gaze down to her hands that she realized the low buzzing that hurt her wrists was because her hands were shaking. She brought them up to cradle close to her chest, weaving her fingers together and pressing her palms against each other as she tried control, limit, the trembles.
"Answer me," he demanded, shaking her shoulders just enough to bring her back to him. "Pai, what do you think you were doing?"
"Sh – she was there," she stammered helplessly. "She – she was there, Mitti was right there."
"Mitti?" he repeated, confused.
"My sister." Her voice splintered as she nodded jarringly, her breath quivering in her chest. "My sister."
Surprise widened his eyes. He raised his hands, hovering uncertainly for a moment before he cupped her face in them, wiping away the tears that fell by brushing his thumbs over her cheeks. He looked around them, at the people who were staring at them, at her, and whispering.
Shin let go of her only long enough to reach over and take hold of one of her hands as he began pulling her away from the circle of attention she was in. "Come on."
Her mind glazed over as she followed him, moving on autopilot like a robot that had no other command to follow. She was barely able to walk on her own, the sudden lethargy clouding her head trailing into her knees, weakening them. Shin supported her with an arm around her shoulders, rubbing his hand on her shoulder to coax warmth back into her as he held her to him, guided her.
She didn't know where they were going until he pulled her aside from the river of people rushing up and down the street, into a deserted alley. There was no one around to see them. Even if there was, they would only assume that Pai and Shin were probably just lovebirds looking for privacy, and move on. From the pungent smells that wafted to her nose, she knew that they must be near a bakery. That was all she could discern through the haze that settled over her.
It was an odd thing to focus on – the heady smell of baking bread, sweet and chocolatey.
She moved to lean on the wall of the building to their right, pushing herself against it so that her legs didn't give way and make her fall to the ground. The skin on her back was too thin, stretched tight over her bones. She lifted her fisted hands, still shaking, and pressed them into her eyes, trying to force the burning pain behind them away.
But it wasn't going away. It was building up, getting stronger. A pressure in her chest made her feel like she was walking on a tightrope and about to plummet down an endless abyss. She breathed hard, crying, breaking down in front of Shin, again, again. He must have thought her so pitiful and weak.
She hated, hated, being weak.
She lifted her hand and hit the side of her head, hard, and kept doing it as she tried to create another pain to focus on. There was too much in her chest. If it stayed, if she lingered on it for too long, she would be consumed by it. She raised her other hand as a broken sob tore out of her and she hit her head on both sides with her hands, grabbing tufts of her hair and yanking them out of the neat topknot she'd preserved the whole day.
"Hey, hey, don't do that," Shin gripped her hands before she could do any more harm, restraining her. His single hand was big enough to keep both her wrists locked together in his hand. He braced his other on the wall she stood up against and leaned in close, apple-scented breath on her cheek, giving her a strange centre of calm inside her that was so fragile, all it would take was one move in the wrong direction, and it would all crumble to ashes. "Don't do that."
"It hurts," she sobbed, chest heaving as she cried, hating herself for the fire that burned her eyes and cheeks. "Shin it hurts, it hurts so much every time I think about her and I don't know why, I don't know why – "
She broke off as the ball clogging her throat threatened to explode. Her entire being burned with rage, with grief, so strong she thought she was going to die because she didn't know which one was right, how to keep it in, but she had to, she had to –
Shin drew her in and held her tight to him, cradling the back of her head and running his hand over her dishevelled hair. She didn't have the strength to so much as lift her arms, instead leaving them to lie limp at her sides and her forehead pressed to his chest. With the riverbanks broken, the tears fell down her cheek endlessly.
Shin he didn't tell her to hush, didn't tell her to stop. He simply held her tight, safe, warm.
The tiny calm inside her expanded, slowly, inching its way through her. After a minute of standing completely still while Shin held her and she cried, it grew just strong enough to ebb away the pain and hurt flowing through her entire being. She pressed her face to the soft fabric of his sweater. She could hear the drumming lullaby of his heart under her ear, the quiet rasp of his breath, the slow rise and fall of his chest providing her with a familiarity she desperately craved.
The tears stopped, after a bit. The pain didn't.
"I'm tired," she mumbled against his chest. She closed her eyes. The tears dangled on the curling ends of her eyelashes, quivered, and fell down to his sweater. He didn't seem to care, only gripping her tighter in his arms. "I'm so tired of trying to be strong and acting like I'm okay with it. I'm tired of it."
"Then let me be strong for you." He leaned back just enough so that he could look her in the face as he lifted a hand and cupped her cheek with it, raising her face so she had to look him in the eye. "I'll be here for you, whenever you need me, whenever you want me. I promise."
She shook her head weakly. There was no way she could do that to him. Even if keeping it all in hurt so much, she would never put her burdens on anyone else. They were hers. The shame, the guilt, it was all hers.
She needed to move away from him. That was the first thing she needed to do. When she was close to him, this close, her brain stopped working. She stopped thinking logically. But it was so good to be held up for once, to be the one being assured instead of the other way round. The palm of his hand was rough from calluses, but at the same time so gentle as his thumb wiped away another tear that quivered down her cheek.
"I can't," she hiccuped, dropping her eyes down to the skin visible above the V-neck of his sweater. "I won't make you promise that."
"You're not making me do anything I don't want to." Shin's lips twitched in a strange, sad smile. "You're in pain, Pai, and you're keeping it all to yourself."
"I have to." Her eye twitched as she fought to keep another cascading river of tears from burning her cheeks.
"No, you don't." He said firmly. "You're going to kill yourself if you try."
"Maybe I deserve to."
She thinks, she thinks, she knows, she sees blood in red where everyone else sees red roses red buses red pens red hair. She closes her eyes on the little girl sitting in a pooling puddle of her parents' blood as they lay dead beside her, pressing her eyes so tight together that bursts of colour exploded in the darkness behind her closed lids.
She didn't mean for that to come out, but it did, floating between them as he stared at her, something close to shock flowering in his eyes. Shin didn't say anything. He simply held her the way he knew she needed to be, so gentle yet firm at the same time. It was like the curves of her body were made to be held this way, by him alone. He rubbed his thumb absently over her cheek before, tired, she let her forehead fall to thump lightly against his chest. His hand went back to stroking her hair, the tips of his fingers brushing over the back of her neck.
"I don't know what happened to you to make you feel like that. But I know you. I know who you are. All this loathing you have for yourself," he paused meaningfully. "The world isn't yours to bear alone. You have people here who care about you, who'll listen to you when you're ready to talk."
She closed her eyes as he moved his hand down her hair, finding his caress comforting, soothing. "I'm afraid."
"That you'll be judged?"
"Y – yes." Hesitantly, she nodded. He got it right with just one guess.
She was afraid of telling anyone of the things she saw in her memories because of how they might react – with fear, recoil from her in horror, reject her. She was scared of finding herself alone again.
She was scared of being alone again when she knew what it felt like to not be alone, to be surrounded by warmth and then have it all snatched away because of who she might really be underneath the façade of the strong and capable girl she was trying to pretend she was.
"You won't be. I'm not going to force you to talk if you don't want to. But when you're ready, know that nobody's going to judge you for anything." He chuckled. It was a sad sound that rumbled in his chest. It made her guilty for being the one to make it so. "Least of all me. I'll always be here, until you're ready, and after."