Edited on April 30th, 2018.
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1.1 6 . 5 : A - H U N D R E D - T I M E S . . . |
R I D D H I M A . . .
I knocked on Khushi's door before pushing the door in and entering. She was on the bed, lying down and just staring at the ceiling. She turned her head to see it was me and then focused on the ceiling again. Softly, I let the door click shut behind me. she asked, "Come to yell at me too?"
Ofcourse, she'd know that I would eventually learn of what was going on - even if it didn't come directly from her. I exhaled before walking over to the bed and making room for myself. She shifted a bit to give me more space and I pulled the blanket over me as well.
"No," I quietly said, folding an arm back to support my head. "But I am hurt. Why didn't you tell me yourself, Khushi?"
"What's the point?" She mumbled.
I questioned, "Are you serious? Khushi, so much happened in last couple weeks and you didn't tell me anything. Am I not your best friend anymore?"
She answered, her voice still dejected. "Come on, Ridzzi. Don't be dramatic now." I swatted her hand in response and she winced instantly, rubbing the area and glaring at me accusingly. "Ouch! What the hell, Riddhima?"
I challenged, "Oh, now we are saying my full name, is that it? And let's not forget, you are the dramatic one. Not me."
She frowned blinking away but continued to rub her arm.
I requested, dropping the edge from my voice, "Khushi, please, can you just talk to me? I feel like you don't tell me anything these days."
"That's not true." She tried to argue.
"Isn't it? Khushi, I'm not accusing you here, but it's sort of the truth. I feel a stranger in your life these days. Almost since when we were still in India."
She turned her head sideways in confusion, "What are you talking about?"
I sighed before telling the part which I had kept to myself for months, "Do you remember the time when you went to Mumbai for visas?" When she nodded, I continued, "You asked Armaan to tell me you two were going to be away for few days but he "forgot" to text me."
Again, she questioned, "What's with the quotations?"
"Because he didn't forget, Khushi. He purposely didn't tell me."
She sat up to express her surprise, "What? But why would he do that? I'm going to beat him up."
I shook my head before showing herself the truth, "Khushi, stop. Don't you see? The day before, I'd let you go back to your place on your own."
Understanding crossed her face as she knew exactly which day I was talking about. The day that had rattled Armaan so much that it'd became the reason he'd spat such hurtful words to me weeks later.
I said, "Yes, that day. You didn't tell me about it, Khushi. You've been almost distant from me since that day... else I refuse to believe that you were going all the way to Mumbai and you'd leave it on Armaan to tell me about it. My best friend I know would have texted me the instant it happened."
"I'm sorry," she apologized lowering her gaze to her hands resting on her lap in shame over her past actions, "I didn't want to worry you."
I sat up as well, berating her for it but in a calm tone, "Khushi, do you hear yourself? Not wanting to worry me and all?"
"It's true."
I shook my head, "No, the truth is that you've been afraid ever since that day when you picked up that blade. You keep everything to yourself as if you're afraid I wouldn't want to be your friend if you told me what was really going on in your head, Khushi... but is that really all you know about me? That I'd get scared away that easily?"
"Well, no, but..."
I don't pause to let her finish that thought for this is one thing I have kept to myself for so many months, wanting to give her the space to come to me herself but now I realize that the more space I give her, the longer she will continue to keep away from me.
"Or is it that for some twisted reason, you find peace in this? This pain that you invite for yourself. The burden is not on you to go through this yourself, Khushi. So much has happened to you and you know you always have my support but it hurts that you pushed me away."
I did pause for a second now as a tear dropped from my moist eyes recalling those moments from months ago. Armaan telling me about that day.
I sniffled before speaking again, "Maybe... maybe you feel like you don't want to say the same things you feel to me over and over again, maybe you don't want to crib about it, but you are my best friend, Khushi. If you needed it, I would listen to the same thing a hundred times. As many times as you needed to say it to make you feel better. But please, don't shut away from me... you're my one friend I can't imagine my life without."
She shifted over to drape her arms around me, almost sitting on my lap as she hugged me tightly, "I'm so sorry I made you feel that way, Ridzzi." She murmured, pulling back and moving her hand to wipe my cheeks dry, "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't know... I never thought how it'd affect you. I didn't mean to push you away."
I hugged her back knowing my best friend. She never hurt someone intentionally. However drastic her actions have been lately have all been stemming from one reality that was taking over every aspect of her life. "I'm not blaming you, Khushi," I said as she moved off my lap to sit next to me, "but I'd really like my best friend back."
She chuckled, wiping her own tears and nodded. "Yeah, okay. I hear you. I promise I won't keep hiding things from you."
I added, knowing she wasn't entirely at fault. If she had been pulling away, I had let her instead of pulling her back and holding on to her so she wouldn't have felt as if she had to go through this all on her own. I'd let myself be affected too much by my fight with Armaan that when she'd needed me, I'd ran off myself to visit my grandmother just so I wouldn't have to face Armaan.
"I know I've been away for a few days but since when do we not tell each other everything, right? We used to sit for hours telling each other things about our days when we'd have spent it apart."
She nodded, sniffing. "I do miss those days."
"Me too," I admitted in a whisper. Those were the best days. "Starting with, tell me everything that happened with Arnav."
She shook her head, countering. "No. First, starting with you telling me why you and Armaan are no longer friends."
I opened my mouth to protest but she squinted at me, pointing her index finger to silently convey I shouldn't even try. Alas, even I knew. Confessing to her was long overdue. I gave her the cleanest version of the story so she wouldn't hate her own brother, "We had an argument about that day."
She raised her brows, challenging in disbelief. "That's it? That's the only detail I get after waiting for ages for you to tell me? Come on, Ridzzi. You can do better!"
I sighed. It was impossible to get her to deter from this. I have no doubt she must have tried to get this out of Armaan multiple times as well. "Khushi, I don't want you to think less of Armaan because of what happened between us, okay? Can you please just accept that for now?"
She really looked like she wanted to argue but she must have seen the expression on my face and the words I actually meant. I didn't want to come in between the siblings and if I told her this, she may feel like she'd have to pick between the two of us. I didn't want her to have to do that so I was making the choice for her.
A moment later, after having her internal debate, she nodded but with a frown to express she wasn't happy with the decision I was making her take. She questioned, "But, are you saying the two of you won't be friends again?"
I remained silent. It was a topic of debate for myself as well. I hadn't been able to decide if I ever wanted to get past this with him. I knew one day I'd have to decide for I couldn't remain Khushi's best friend and continue to avoid him at the same time. The two of them were joined at the hip.
She answered for me at my silence, "You know you'll eventually forgive him, right? You always do, even when he doesn't deserve it." I truly wanted to argue but history was her evidence against me. She added with a chuckle, "I guess that's what love makes you do, right?"
My eyes snapped to hers, widening.
She gave me a look, "What? Was it supposed to be some big, national secret? You're my best friend, Riddhima and that idiot of yours is my brother. Did you think I wouldn't know if neither of you ever said it to me?"
I frowned, knowing I should have known better. Khushi may be oblivious about many things but when it came to two of us, she knew us like the back of her own hand. We never could go long hiding things from her.
To change the topic, I cleared my throat. "Enough about it. Tell me about Arnav so when I go beat him up, I'll atleast have a solid reason to."
She laughed, "I can't imagine you against him in a boxing ring."
I rolled my eyes, defending myself, "Hey, forgotten who's taught me some self-defense tricks? I can take Arnav. Now stop dallying and tell me already!"
Finally, with a sigh, she gave in and told me everything that's happened since New Years and how he offered to help her up till the very argument they had in the apartment yesterday.
At the end, all I could do was exhale deeply and say one word. "Wow."
I had my own opinion of Arnav but I would have never imagined all of this. Khushi elaborated on her feelings, "I don't know, Ridzzi. Why can't I just be mad at him?"
"Because you trust him, despite everything."
She shook her head, "No. it terrifies me."
"What are you talking about? Everything you've told me..."
"No, I mean it, Riddhima. I don't think the thought of anyone touching me terrifies me as much as when he does because with him..." she trailed off as if looking for the correct words to express herself but unable to.
I, however, was able to understand her unspoken words. "Because with him, you are starting to feel."
She closed her eyes in despair, conflicted with herself. "God, Riddhima. I can't. The way he touched me... I want to be pissed at him and in our fight, I was but now, I can't. Why did it make me feel safe? It's wrong. It's just wrong."
I reached for her hands before she'd let panic inside, "Khushi, Khushi, hey, stop. Listen to me." She blinked up to let her eyes lock with me and I gently squeezed her hands as I continued, "You don't have to feel like it's a bad thing, Khushi. What you felt, it's not wrong. It's okay to..."
She pulled her bottom lip in her mouth to keep from quivering even as she closes her eyes again and shook her head in utter disapproval. She was not yet ready to admit that it was okay to feel that pleasure when someone you like hugs you, kisses you. With her experience, it was a complete wrong for her, something she was afraid of and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't make her believe otherwise.
With that, she did not even want to acknowledge her feelings for Arnav even when it was so clear to me. The only reason she was this affected was because she was starting to like him and she didn't feel like she had that right to.
So, for now, I just embrace her and stay with her silently till she quietened down.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R ' S - N O T E . . . |
Oh, how I personally love this chapter... tell me I am not a narcissist? I guess I just had to add this change because it wasn't logical that I say Riddhima and Khushi are best friends but not show their relationship & how best friends talk about everything and know everything. Instead of showing their relationship from mid-Live, I gave it a kick start.
Lemme know what you think & how it reveals something about Khushi's feelings!