Originally Published on February 23, 2017 | Edited on April 25th, 2018.
Dedicated to Arshi_Angel. Thank you dear! Read through earlier comments and lucky to have such sweet readers <3
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1.1 5 . 1 : M E M O R I E S . . . |
A cup of hot chocolate was placed on the table with a smiley drawn in it. I glanced up from my algebra homeswork thinking it was Arnav but found the café employee instead. From having spent enough afternoons here studying, I'd learned to remember her name was Emma. "I didn't order this."
Emma nodded towards the window behind me, "He did."
I turned around. Outside the café was Arnav. My brows drew together in confusion wondering why he was outside. He pointed towards his phone and then typed something. Seconds later, I received his message.
Arnav: I forgot I have a group project thing right now. Sorry, raincheck tomorrow?
Ah. This hot chocolate with a smile was meant to be an apology for making me sit here for the past twenty minutes waiting for him.
I typed back.
Khushi: It's okay. Good luck with you project. (:
Khushi: Your*
I turned back to see him read the reply and then look up at me with blinking in understanding. Some people, I'm guessing his group partners, walked up to him and they left in the direction of the library.
I thanked Emma. She replied with a wink. "Anything for Arnav's girl."
"What?"
She stated as a matter of fact, "Surely he's asked you out. He wouldn't do so much if..."
I remember last night... something I am still trying to wrap my brain around. Had that really happened? Somewhere, it was a relief that he had this project to complete because otherwise... I didn't know how to act around him.
I corrected her, "You've got it wrong. We're friends."
She chuckled, not believing me. "Right, friends." She nodded a goodbye and went back to work.
I returned to my homework but it kept bothering me of the assumption she was making - not to forget our moment from last night which had been playing on repeat ever since.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
It was past midnight when I decided to go running on campus because I couldn't sleep. I came to a stop when Arnav jogged over from behind me. My hands went to my knees as I hunched over panting and grasping for ear, pulling my headphones out.
"I was calling you but I guess you didn't hear because of headphones," he pointed out before asking, "Are you okay?"
I winced as I stood upright. "Mhmm." He continued to look at me in disbelief, causing me to work on catching my breath and offer up an explanation, "Remember one of the resolutions? Join sports again."
He nodded, "Sure, what about it?"
"I didn't tell anyone this - not even Riddhima or Armaan. She didn't know so she added it to the list."
He said my name, "Khushi," as if figuring out I was stalling and explaining what didn't need to be to justify Riddhima's actions.
I sighed in defeat. "Right. Okay... well, you see... I - uh - long story short, I can't put too much strain on my abdomen. It starts to hurt."
"Then why the hell are you running?"
I answered with a frown, "Because my head wouldn't shut up."
He sighed as if he didn't know what to do with me. "And why can't you put strain?"
I could tell that he was trying to be patient with me but I was testing that because I couldn't tell him why. We might have shared a beautiful moment yesterday but it still didn't mean that I could tell him everything about my life. This part, I had told no one and I had no intention of ever telling anyone else either.
He pleaded, "Please tell me atleast a doctor knows." When I remained silent, he muttered in frustration. "Ofcourse you didn't." He nodded towards a nearby bench, "Sit."
I walked over trying to not let the strain appear on my face. "What are you doing on campus so late?"
"Just got done with the group project." I raised my brows in surprise for it took them all these hours. He answered, "Yeah, unfortunately other people get distracted very easily. This is the reason I hate group projects."
About fifteen minutes later, I stood up. He eyed me doubtful and I attempted to convince him by saying, "I can walk."
He glared, "You yourself said it before. It hurts to move."
"Yes, but I can take it. I just have to make it back to the apartment and..." I gasped suddenly when he lifted me with an arm under my knees with no warning what-so-ever.
He advised, "Think of something else," as he started walking towards the parking lot. I hesitated but tried to ignore how close he held me or that he dared to touch me. He had to know nothing had changed since last night. Having an emotional moment does not trump my physical fears. Why would he do this?!
The questions distracted me but only momentarily. When I inhaled and his scent mixed in, the familiarity hit again. It was a constant reminder, pulling me back to a place I despise revisiting.
My fingers fisted his shirt as if needing to hold on to something tangible in the present.
No, think of something else. Something else. Anything.
I desperately searched the depths of my head to flash any memory but that. Anything would be better than that.
Alas, my mind was empty and it didn't seem to be listening to me. It had a mind of its own that was bent on focusing on the burning candles.
I closed my eyes just as everything around me started to darken and I couldn't hear or feel anything. I slipped into the memory where the only source of light came from the candles lit on a birthday cake. Standing around it were some school friends and in front of it was Riddhima.
I felt a visitor in my own memory, seeing it happening in front of me. Seeing my younger self in front of me, a girl completely unaware of what was going to happen next. She looked up from the candles and cake clapping and singing the birthday song till the smile faltered on her lips and her eyes seemed to meet mines directly as if she could actually see me.
It chilled my bones, sending a shiver through my spine.
I blinked and I was no longer in front of her visiting as if a ghost. I was trapped in her mind staring at a face lurking in the background. The more she focused on it, the more I tried to tell her to turn away, to stop and not follow that person to find out why they were.
She wouldn't listen.
She slipped away from everyone to investigate on her own just as lights turned on and in the distance, she could hear everyone cheering. Even though lights had just turned on, they were dark for her as someone from behind covered her face.
I found myself crushed against someone's body. I blinked again and again to rid the fog surrounding my eyes to realize my back was against the side of car and his strong hold on me, arms around my body.
The more I focused, the clearer it got. The haze started to clear even as I heard my own heart pounding, the vibration in my ears.
I had given myself up to my memories.
I felt weak in my knees. Fearing I would crumple down, I fisted a bunch of his shirt in my fingers. Wait. Shirt? My eyes opened as I felt something hot on my shoulder. My brows narrowed and when it clicked, I gasped.
Arnav.
His lips were buried in the hollow that connected my neck to my shoulder. In a burst of energy, I pushed him away, "What the hell?" In the process, a sharp pang ran through my abdomen. I squeezed my eyes shut muffling the pain before it would escape my lips.
"Are you okay?" He questioned trying to reach me, least caring that I had pushed him away. I held up my hand to stop him before he would touch me again. He did freeze in his track but continued to speak, "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have picked you up."
Before he elaborated, I had the misconception that he was apologizing for pressing his lips to my skin, essentially kissing my neck.
My hand involuntarily found their way to my neck when the thought crossed my head. "What - what were you doing?" The tingles from his breath on my nape and his lips pressed over my skin... they still lingered. Goosebumps appeared on my skin as a chill ran through my spine.
His eyes followed my hands and realization seemed to dawn in his eyes. Too late for that, buddy!
He said but did not complete his thought. "I..."
I what? I'm sorry?
Not good enough.
"Don't follow me," I warned and pushed off my weight from his car to walk away.
I ignored the pain my body was screaming at me with. I ignored everything as I plugged in my earphones and lost myself to my music. I heard him asking me to let him drop me home but I continued walking away, ignoring him.
I needed to be away from him right now. Far away from him. After what he'd just done... even if he had pulled me back to reality before I completely lost sense of it, it didn't excuse his actions.
More than that... I couldn't shake off the feeling that it was all somehow familiar. As if I had a panic attack like this before and someone had pulled me out of it the same way... tightly hugging me and had their lips buried to my nape as if they were breathing for me until I could do so on my own. The face was unclear but it couldn't be, right? I remembered all my panic attacks.
Still, it was too weird and familiar. His touch. His scent. His actions. This had all happened to me before. But, why couldn't I remember? What was my memory from that night keeping from me?
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
I rumbled through my closet. It had to be here. The shirt Riddhima asked about when she was cleaning out my wardrobe weeks ago, just after New Year's. I hadn't even looked at it and dismissed it as some random shirt of Armaan's. It had to be here. I knew Riddhima hadn't thrown it out. She had tried to insist it wasn't his like she knew all the shirts he owned but I hadn't paid much attention to it feeling that if not Armaan's, who else's?
But now, there was one possibility and I simply had to find it.
Finally, I found it at the back of the shelf. I shook it off to unfold it completely.
The shirt that had been on me when I was brought to the hospital that night. The shirt that belonged to the guy who had made sure I reached the hospital.
I don't know what I was looking for. It was just a shirt. A normal looking shirt that could belong to anyone. All it had was the imprint of the logo hinting at the brand on its collar. It didn't give away anything about its previous owner.
But the more I stared at it, the more I wondered... was my first panic attack that night itself when he might have tried to pick me up to bring me from that abandoned house to the hospital? Is that the memory what I had blocked out and that was why this earlier moment with Arnav felt familiar... like a déjà vu?
How could Arnav know though?
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . C HA P T E R . . . 1. 1 5 . 2 : A B O U T - L A S T - N I G H T . . . |
In the morning, the pain was unmeasurable. It hurt to just shift from my back to my side without it reflecting on my face. It was too frustrating. I blindly reached my hand out for where my phone would be on the side table. 7:04. My eyes widened. I was going to be late for my 7:30 lab.
I was about to sit up when a voice from my other side warned, "Don't even think about it."
I followed it to Arnav sitting at my desk chair with his eyes closed. When did he come in my room? And, why? "Excuse me?" I questioned him.
He opened his eyes as if he had been awake but just had them closed to rest them. They were red, probably hadn't slept the entire night. "You can barely sit up and you want to go to your classes? Forget about it."
I pushed the covers aside with everything intention to get up, "And who gave you the right to decide? What are you doing here anyway?"
He sat up properly as he answered in a less ordering tone, "You're usually up by this time so..."
"So, you decided to be creepy and watch me sleep while waiting for me to wake up?" I snapped at him. When my whole body was sore and in pain, it tended to take a toll on my mood and as we have established... often times I take it out on him.
He simply rolled his eyes. When I attempted to move again, to get out of bed, he did scold. "Stop being so damn stubborn all the time!"
I whisper yelled for I knew Kripa would be up too since we had the same lab and I did not want her knowing he was in my room this early in the morning. "What I do is none of your business!"
He challenged, "Do you love living in pain or something?"
I got up to grab the first pair of clothes I got my hands on. "Just get lost, Raizada. I have nothing more to say to you."
He walked around to cut off my path, "We need to talk... about last night."
I glared daggers in his eyes, "As far as I am concerned, there is nothing you can say that ends in me forgiving you so don't even try and leave me alone." I did not wait for him to answer and walked around him to leave my room.
Ten minutes later when I returned, showered and ready, he had moved to my bed but was still in my room. I decided to ignore him and paid no attention to his constant gaze on me as I moved around the room to pack my binder and books in my bookbag.
"You look good in dresses."
I abruptly stopped and lifted my eyes to meet his. "What?" I couldn't have heard right.
"I said," he repeated getting up, "you look good in dresses."
As he walked around the bed to my desk to reach me, I gulped and looked away, murmuring, "Um, thanks?"
I wanted to be mad at him for trying to compliment me after everything last night but I thanked him instead of telling him to leave? What was wrong with me?
Though meant as a compliment, it made me feel awkward. I did not want any guy telling me I looked good in dresses. I did not want that attention from boys. Is that not why I had started dressing in shabby clothes after the assault? To make myself invisible.
And yet... here he was.
I moved to my dresser trying to think away from it instead of letting his words echo in my brain on a loop. It was the first time I was wearing a dress after years - all thanks to Riddhima and her 'wear normal clothes once a week' bullshit.
I fumbled around the dresser. I was looking for something. It's why I had walked here. But... his comment distracted my mind. I couldn't remember.
I froze when I felt his hand creep up from behind. He leaned over me and I held in my breath as he lifted an item, "Looking for this?" His voice was low and huskier in the morning.
I gulped and didn't dare nod or say anything. I simply took the buckle from his hand and waited. Eventually after a few seconds, he stepped back. I released my breath, clipped my hair back and walked to pick up my bag.
I paused when he spoke again, "Be careful, okay?"
I turned to face him in surprise.
He chuckled, "I think I've figured out that I shouldn't try to change your mind. I only end up making your decision firm. So... be careful?"
I leave the room without answering. He might be okay with being the same way around me as he had been before last night but I am not. He cannot say these things, try to flirt by complimenting, behave this way, and think I will forgive and forget.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
While I was walking to the lab with Kripa, she noticed the way I was walking slower than usual, "What's wrong?"
"I went running last night."
She made a wincing sound, "Oo, ouch. Sore?"
I nodded, "I don't know what I was thinking."
She advised, "See, this is why you should come to the gym with me. I'd get you fit in no time."
"I'll pass, but thanks." I answered with a smile.
Kripa groaned looking ahead, "Ugh. My day is going to be horrible now."
"Why?"
She nodded towards a girl walking in our direction, "Helena."
"Should the name ring a bell?" I questioned unashamedly. It was a fact that she told me about many people and I didn't really care to remember more than half of the names that were repeated in different stories.
Kripa quickly answered under her breath given she was quickly approaching us, "No, but Arnav's latest." Then she put on a fake smile for her, "Helena, hey! How are you doing today? Look, if you're looking for Arnav because he hasn't been answering your calls or texts, I'm sorry to break it to you honey but he's probably moved on."
This girl, skinny and tall and blonde with blue eyes, scoffed glaring at me. "It's all because of your friend."
"Excuse me?" Kripa questioned.
Helena however talking directly to me, "Look here, whoever you are, if you think you can just waltz in and steal him from me, you're going to regret it. Don't think just because it was the middle of the night, no one saw you two."
My eyes widen slightly as I understand she's talking about last night in the parking lot. I could only assume what that situation was being taken as.
Kripa came to my defense as I was too stumped to respond and nudged me safely behind her as she stood between me and Helena. "Back off, Helena. Arnav is not yours. You're not even his girlfriend."
"And you don't know how your backstabbing friends are, Kripa."
Kripa warned glaring at Helena straight in the eye without a blink or a glimpse of hesitation. "I know exactly who my friends are. Now leave before you come to regret it."
Once upon a time, I used to ward off Armaan's dates from myself and Riddhima whenever they lost it if Armaan had asked someone else out. And now, I'm the one who couldn't even handle a girl. And why? Because of Arnav.
He dragged me in his life, in this reputation he has created for himself.
I couldn't help but feel angry.
Helena scoffed as she had the last word, "He'll leave you too just like any other girls he's dated. Mark my words. Every girl thinks they can change him. No one can."
Change him? Hah, that's the last thing on my mind. What gives the impression I have the energy to spend on what he does in his personal time?
Kripa turned to me in concern when Helena had walked off and placed a soft hand on my arm to pull my attention away from the girl, "You okay?"
I swallowed and nodded.
"Explain to me why that just happened." She demanded but not in a way that conveyed she had gotten into Helena's words and was doubting my friendship but just as a friend who was curious on what was the latest rumor about her cousin which, for once, was connected to her flat mate and friend.
I didn't know how to explain as I couldn't explain last night without telling her everything. "I'm sorry for this, Kripa."
She waved her hand, "Hey, no. I've dealt with enough broken-hearted girls he's left in his wake. I don't mind that. I do, however, mind if he's misbehaved with you. Tell me and I'll make sure he never bothers you. I won't stand by if he's going to break your heart too."
I smiled softly and assured her, "You are a good friend, Krips, but don't worry. He can't break my heart."
She smiled back as we resumed walking and asked to confirm, "He didn't misbehave, right?"
I thought it over before deciding in a negative, "No, just a misunderstanding. Nothing happened."
Nothing happened. Right...?
"You'll tell me if it did?" She questioned.
I realized she didn't want to be a friend who blindly trusted others while they lied to her. I feel a bit guilty for not telling her before and for her to come to this sense of insecurity. "I will."
She nodded, convincing herself. "Good. Because enough people hide things from me and tell me it's for my protection but I am tired of that bullshit, you know?"
I assumed her later comment was some sort of frustration with something to do with her family. No doubt, Arnav is involved in that.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R ' S - N O T E . . . |
Hi guys! Thank you so much for the response to the last chapter! Felt really good :D
I was about to tell you that next chapter is going to be entirely new as well & that it's going to be explosive... when I skimmed through the rest of the book & instead of having to tell you each time, I'll just say it in one go. Almost 90% of the rest of the book will be newer/changed scenes with a few removed scenes as well.
There are a total of 24 chapters plus six more .5 chapters.
Vote, Comment, & Share! Thank you soooo much for the 3K reads and 250 votes!! <3