January 19, 2011
When you tell someone you love him, you don’t shout it out in anger.
Tourists often get amazed at how majestic Heart Lake looked like during the day. There was something almost hypnotic at how the water sparkled when the sun’s rays touched its smooth surface. It always made people think that one could walk on it without falling into the water, and actually touch the light coming from the sky.
It was, however, the mystery that engulfed the lake during the night that astonished those few who were bold enough to wait until the night had fallen and everything had become a part of the unknown. At this time, it would seem that the flashes of light reflected by Heart Lake was one’s only hope in finding salvation from the darkness that had settled within.
Rachelle sat on the bench that had always been her sanctuary when she wanted—needed—to think. For years, it was the lake that had given her solace whenever troubles and doubts started to fill her heart. It had been witness to her bouts of laughter and loud cheers of excitement. The lake was her confidant, her most avid listener. In more ways than one, it was her best friend next to Nick. She would reflect on some of her best and worst experiences right here, by this bench. Tonight, it seemed, will add to the mountain of memories that she had allowed the lake to see.
Tears began to form at the corners of her eyes and she took a deep breath to keep them from falling; ashamed to let even the lake see just how much she was hurting inside. Her feelings were in chaos but what bothered her most was the thought that she had failed yet again to prove that she was worthy of someone’s love and respect. Granted, she knew that her parents and Matt loved her unconditionally but she wanted an affirmation from someone who wasn’t her family that there wasn’t anything wrong with her after everything that had happened.
Ever since her first boyfriend, she had always tried her best to have normal feelings towards a relationship. Most of the time, however, she merely ended up feeling more troubled to the point that she could no longer give back the same amount of love she got from the boys who had dated her.
Nick once told her that she needed to respect herself first before anyone else would but how could she? How was she supposed to respect herself when all she saw was the ambitious girl from the past who was so stupid to believe that she could get what she wanted when she wanted it? How was she supposed to love herself when she always saw herself being harassed because she had ‘asked’ for it?
These questions ran through her mind in shambles and a cry escaped from her lips. It was enough to break her tough act defense and she sobbed, worse than any she had ever cried. She planted her face in her hands, barely able to hold herself up from the fierce way her tears were trying to rush out of her eyes.
In the past, she gave up on a relationship because even though most of her boyfriends had been wonderful, not one of them was able to show her how to love herself. What made her encounter with Liam worse than the others was that he had never planned to love her right from the start. It was like a slap in the face, only, it wasn’t a hand that hit her. It was her worst fears that had struck her with the violence that she thought she deserved. Liam had become the embodiment of those fears which brutally broke her heart.
And now, somewhere at the back of her mind, she wondered again if she would ever really manage to love herself.
*****
Nick watched his best friend cry in anguish, chastising himself for not seeing Milton for who he really was. He felt each of Rachelle’s sobs stab him as if he was the one responsible for her heartache.
In a way, he actually was.
For years, he had seen her struggle to find herself. He stayed in the background, gave her advice and supported her choices. He did exactly what he thought a best friend should do. Nick knew of her desire to gain the respect of those around her because she thought it was the only way she could value herself. What he failed to do, however, was to show Rachelle that she had actually been loved and respected already. She had her family and friends.
She had him, her best friend.
As she bent over and cried even more, Nick began getting angry at himself for being a coward. He was so scared to lose the friendship he and Rachelle shared that despite the affection he felt for her, he decided to keep quiet—and Rachelle went from one guy to another looking for something Nick could have given her had he just been brave enough and confessed.
It was as if the reasons he used to keep his feelings to himself had backfired, and decided to haunt Rachelle instead.
“Tell Rachelle, will you?”
Grace’s voice reverberated in his head and snapped him out of his self-directed anger.
“If you really do love her, you shouldn’t let fear take over.”
The words Grace told him the last time they talked continued to echo through his mind. Slowly, they began to crawl their way into his heart. It was then that he knew he couldn’t live another day without telling Rachelle what he felt for her.
“Keeping it inside you couldn’t be doing you any good. I don’t know how you’re going to do it but I’m sure telling her would make your life easier.”
He had no idea how he was going to do it either but something was telling him that if he confessed to Rachelle tonight, her misery wouldn’t be quite as painful as it was at the moment.
Before Nick could weigh the pros and cons of what he was about to do, his feet begun to move, making his decision final. He saw her stiffen the instant she realized that someone had occupied the other side of the bench. Without raising her head, however, she seemed to have figured out who was beside her, and she relaxed—or at least tried to. A series of torrential sobs were still trying to escape from her and she allowed them, not worried at the very least that Nick was an added witness to her heartbreak.
Endless minutes later, Rachelle’s hiccups had started to subside and Nick saw her lift her head as she straightened. Tears still fell from her eyes but she was apparently almost dried out—at least for the night.
They were both staring at the reflected moonlight on the lake when Rachelle broke the silence with a softly uttered question. “Why is it so difficult for me to have a lasting relationship?”
“You’re eighteen, Rach. You don’t need to think about the long-term yet.”
“I’ll be nineteen in a few days,” she said, trying to lighten up the mood.
“Don’t be silly,” he mildly scolded.
“Tell me Nick. Do you think what happened to me five years ago had twisted my brain worse than I thought it had?” She added a small laugh meant to mock herself. “There’s something awfully wrong with the way I handle my relationships, or this wouldn’t have happened.”
“I’ve told you many times not to overanalyze these things. Milton’s a good for nothing bastard and he doesn’t deserve you. Never did,” he replied vehemently.
“Well, maybe.” She sighed. “But what about all those times when I broke up with my boyfriend because I would suddenly feel aimless…and paranoid and unworthy?”
“That was their fault. You wouldn’t feel that way had they loved you enough.”
“But we both know they treated me well. You wouldn’t let me date them if they didn’t.”
Nick’s temper snapped and his fists clenched. He really needed to tell his best friend to keep herself from trying to absolve everyone who should share part of the responsibility.
“Will you stop condemning yourself every time something goes wrong in your life? For once, Rach. Stop looking at yourself like the slut everybody says you are! Seeing you blame yourself all the time is enough to make me feel that I wasn’t able to take care of you the way I thought I did.” He stood up and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “And it hurts, Rach. Because I know it hurts you too.”
Rachelle suddenly turned to him, her eyes wide with surprise. He didn’t get angry at her often and his words revealed much more than he thought they did. He saw her slowly lower her eyes as she obviously realized that her best friend was right.
“I know. I just—” She took a deep breath. “It seemed easier to blame myself than the others.”
“Oh, for god’s sake! It wasn’t easier for you, Rach! Look at you! You kept everything to yourself and it made you so scared to accept who you are!” He turned to the lake and sighed angrily. “You told me it’s natural to make mistakes. You told me I can’t judge myself horrible because of one small problem.” He gazed back at her then asked in a soft voice, “Why don’t you take your own advice, Rach?”
“My problem isn’t as small as yours was,” she answered, breaking their eye contact.
“You’re right. Yours is a hell of a lot more simple.” He waited for her to look at him before he continued, “My problem caused me to hurt other people. Your problem was just you. You’re the only one hurting yourself because you’re too blind to see that you don’t need anybody else to tell you you’re loved and respected. Rach, you have your family!” He raised his hand to stop her from interrupting him. “No, don’t get me started with that I-want-to-be-loved-by-someone-who-isn’t-my-family kind of monologue, ‘cause I’m not buying it. You have friends, Rachelle. Remember Lance and Kane? What about Lia, Haley, and even Grace? Goodness, you seem to have forgotten that I’m not part of your family!
“I’m not your brother, Rach. And guess what? For years, I’ve kept my feelings to myself ‘cause I’m so scared of losing my best friend when I finally tell her that I’ve been in love with her for as long as I can remember!”
Rachelle was so shocked at what Nick had just said that she wasn’t able to speak a word for a full minute. He couldn’t bring himself to continue looking at her, now that everything was out in the open, so he walked closer to the lake’s shore, trying to calm himself.
“All this time I knew in my heart that I could give you what you were looking for. But coward that I am, I decided to simply watch you get yourself from one relationship to another because I can’t stand the thought that you’d try to avoid me when I let you know how I feel. I thought our friendship was too big a risk.” He sighed. “Tonight, however, I can no longer allow you to go on and attach yourself to some guy who would never understand you as much as I do. I can’t let anyone hurt you again the way Liam Milton did.”