“Hello there, Robert,” Arthur said as we walked through the door of the restaurant. He started, staring up at us in confusion. I sat across from him, staring at the cup that the waiter slid in front of me. Arthur took the seat next to me, while Dom and Richard hung back, pretending to drink at the bar. “How are you?”
“A little confused…Why are you here?”
“We’re here to finalize the company sale.” Arthur told him, sliding some papers across to him. I stared out the window, barely listening. My thoughts were elsewhere. I could feel Robert’s eyes on me, probably trying to figure out where he had seen my face before, where I had come from, and more importantly, why I was there. I wondered if Arthur would ask me to leave because of it. He didn’t disappoint. “Alexia? Could you get us some drinks while Robert signs?”
“Sure,” I agreed, taking the leave. I joined Richard and Dom at the bar, positioning myself next to Richard. He raised a glass, drinking deeply. The bartender slid me a gin drink. Just what I needed, I thought dryly. More alcohol. But I downed it anyways, grimacing after the bitter taste went down my throat. I kept my voice down so that only Richard could hear me. “So what happened to you?”
“Mother abandoned us when we were young,” he told me, also quiet. I was sure he didn’t want anyone else to hear. I was one of the few who had heard this, I was sure. “My father lost interest in us after that. He spent most of his time at the company, even sleeping there. I grew up taking care of my younger sister and brother.”
“That sucks,” I commented, getting a small smile out of him.
“You’re right. But it’s life, isn’t it? You understand better than anyone here.”
“Except perhaps Dom,” I murmured, thinking of how his wife killed herself and pinned it on him in hopes that he too would kill himself. I took another sip of my drink, almost gone now. “But that’s beside the point. Richard, what do you think of going further than this? Further than limbo?”
He considered this, dark eyebrows casting shadows over his eerie, pale eyes. I watched his face, curious as to what this outsider thought about our rather stupid adventure. Our stupid test. Why were we doing it? Just to prove that we were the best, that Dom was the best at what he did? But his pride wasn’t that deep. I didn’t know. Richard took his time responding, speaking his words slowly. “I am not as experienced as your team, who has been in many dreams, and I can’t know how dangerous this could be. There was never any risk for me in this, but this idea that you have…I don’t agree with it. I think it’ll only lead to bad things.”
“Like what?”
He shrugged, cutting off our conversation at that. I wondered what it could bring. What if it did lead to our death? We would forever be brain dead. Or it could let us live, though the temptation to stay would be so great, we would be stranded forever. It could be something terrible – it could be our own minds, trapping us and holding us captive in our own thoughts and insecurities. The thought made me shudder, and I prayed that we would be alright. We had to be.
I watched as Arthur talked to Robert a bit more, laughing and smiling to put him at ease. And then, Robert signed. I could hear Richard let out a relieved breath.
“I thought he wouldn’t do it. Does this mean that the idea is planted?”
“It should be,” Dom confirmed. “We’ll find out. So, are you going to be alright hanging out here?”
“Sure,” Richard agreed, downing his drink. He slid the glass down the bar, not even flinching when it fell to the ground and shattered into pieces. “What, do I just hang out chatting with Robert until you three get back?”
“That’s the plan. Just don’t give away that this is a dream.”
I sat on one of the stools, watching the sky outside turn stormy. A frown crossed my face. We needed to get out fast – the kick would be coming soon. We needed to see if level 5 existed and get out. But now that we were so close, I was worried. Was this really a smart idea? We didn’t have to go down again, if it was even possible. We could just wait for the kick and go up with everyone else. I didn’t want to die down here. I bit at my nail. The storm was coming on unnaturally fast. It’d be upon us, sucking the buildings down, and we’d be taken with it. “We need to leave.”
“I know,” Dom replied. He motioned for Arthur to come over, and he did, straightening his tie. I slid off my chair, following the two men out the door. The last I saw of the room was Richard sitting across from Robert, a slightly smug expression on his face. I hoped Robert wouldn’t read too much into it. We hadn’t been expecting too many problems, so we had set up our place just in the room next door. There was a bed, a desk and a bathroom, just as if it was a hotel. I slid into the bathroom while Arthur and Dom argued over the best way to proceed. I splashed my face with cold water, tying my hair up on top of my head. I barely recognized the girl in the mirror with the tired eyes and the sad face. Pale skin, looking more sickly than pretty…I looked like I did when I was a teen.
“Alex,” Arthur said, poking his head through the crack in the door. He, too, looked worn down, and stress lined his face more than it usually did. “Are you ready?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered, still staring. My blue eyes reflected back the pain and worry that I felt. I knew he understood the worry. He was worried, too. Would these be the last words we speak? Would we be brain dead? I couldn’t do that to Cassie. Already she had to deal with losing Chandler, and now the three of us? I loved that girl like she was family. For me, she was family. “Arthur…we can still back out.”
“We can’t,” Arthur replied, taking my hand and leading me out into the bedroom. Dom sat on the edge of the bed, staring down at the needles and sedators. I stared at him, though my eyes were on his hands. I couldn’t look at him now. He twisted his hands together, playing with the wedding ring that always seemed to appear in his dreams. I wondered if it was his token. I played with my own in my pocket.
“If we’re going to do this, we need to go now.” My voice came out stronger than I expected, ringing free and clear through the room. Dom nodded, ducking his head. His hands came up, covering the back of his neck as he let out a large sigh, then stood.
“You should stay here, Alexia.”
“No,” I said fiercely. “You’ve dragged me this far, I’m not staying in this horrid place. I don’t care if it kills me, I’m going down there with you both.”
“Alex – “
“Dom, it’s her choice,” Arthur interrupted. He sat on the ground and picked up a needle. “All at the same time?”
We joined him, kneeling. I picked up my needle and closed my eyes. Arthur counted down from three, each number seeing to be even more drawn out than the last. But at one, I dug the needle in, feeling the pinch and the rush of fluid into my body. I let out a small groan and slumped over, meeting blackness.
Have you ever felt what pain is? What true pain is? Not physical, no, but the kind that tears you apart from the inside, destroying every piece of yourself until all that’s left is an empty shell with a beating heart?
The kind of pain where the tears don’t stop coming, where your heart breaks, and there’s nothing that you can do. The kind of pain where your heart hurts so badly, and you wonder when the pain will end, or if you should end it yourself. Sometimes death seems more appealing than life. Could death possibly be worse than the pain that you’re feeling, or is there something more? Can you convince yourself that there’s something more?
Hiding pain is one thing, completely destroying it is another. You have to find the root of it, replacing it with something better, something that brings the tears to a halt. You can only hide it for so long before it breaks through like water through a dam, bursting down your walls until all you can manage to do is wake up every day and wonder what you had done to deserve such a fate. In many ways, this is what level five was like.
It was dark, so dark, but there were voices. There were no buildings, no structures, nothing. It was you in the pitch black. I was unable to move, immobilized by fear, and the voices, oh, the voices. They haunted me. Everyone was there; my mother, Jacob, Dom, Arthur, Cassie, Chandler…everyone. They called me out on everything, everything that I had done. I listened to my mother’s harsh words, trembling as I heard Jacob’s cry, cried as Chandler whispered my name in a dying voice. And Cassie crying, heartbroken, along with Dom and Arthur leaving me.
I thought that I would lose it when I heard two voices, more clear than the others, calling out to me, bringing me back.
“Alexia!”
“What’s happened to her?”
“This must be different for everyone. Should we slap her?”
“No, Dom, I’m not going to slap her!”
“I’ll do it, then,” Came Dom’s disgruntled voice. I braced myself, and the expected slap came, leaving the sting on my cheek. My eyes flew open and I stared up at them, the only things I could hear in this place. Dom helped lift me off my back. “Are you alright?”
“No. No. I hate this place,” I whispered, trembling. “I want out.”
“We have nearly five minutes here,” Arthur reassured me, checking the watch that he had so carefully programmed to match by the second. “What can you hear? I can’t hear anything – it just sounds like background conversation.”
“It’s everyone. Everyone. Their thoughts,” I whispered, though I couldn’t be sure that it truly was what everyone was thinking. Perhaps it was only my mind, playing tricks on me. Trembling, I reached into my pocket, finding the token attached to my necklace. I gripped it, feeling the spike I had implanted into it digging into my skin. “I want to leave.”
“We will,” Dom said gently. “What do you hear?”
I sent him a blank stare. I wasn’t going to tell him what I was hearing. He realized this and sighed, holding tightly to my hand. Arthur took the other one, and we stood, waiting in silence. I tried to block out the voices, but they were getting louder, making me wince. Every second closer to the kick increased their volume. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, it felt as if there was an explosion and we went flying forward, spiraling down, down, down, back to limbo, back to Robert’s house, back to the beach house, back to the company, and then…
Reality. Home.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
I walked up the stone stairways leading to the school that I had long since forgotten. In my hands I held a cup of steaming coffee, and in my bag, my drawing pad. Architecture class. I nodded to Professor as I made my way to the very back. I placed my bag by my side, and watched as he began sketching, talking as he did so. I tuned him out, mostly bored by the lesson. I tapped my pencil against my desk, watching the birds flutter outside. How lovely France was in the spring. I missed the weather, the weather of shorts and sandals and loose hair that could be beach hair.
The class passed by in a blur, and all I got from it was how important the angle of the roof was. It all seemed so uninteresting to me. I rushed out the minute we were released, tossing the now empty cup into the trashcan. I darted outside, slipping on my sunglasses as I peered around, searching for my companion. I found him by the bridge, staring out. I hurried over, ducking under his arm so that his arm was over my shoulders.
“Hi,” I smiled. He smiled back, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. I nudged him. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, nothing. Just thinking about last year.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I scolded. “I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind, so should you.”
He pushed his hair back away from his forehead, attempting another smile as we began our stroll down the iconic bridge. I smiled at him, marveling at how handsome he was, how lucky I was.
“Hey, Richard?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you want ice cream?” I asked hopefully. He shook his head, sending his black hair flying to and fro. He really needed a haircut. I grabbed his hand, squeezing his fingers. “Alright, then. When do you have to go back to New York?”
“In two days,” he replied. “I thought I might go and visit Arthur and Dom before I left – “
“No,” I interrupted, then flushed. “I mean, it’s been so long, I’m sure that they’re very busy.”
Richard raised his eyebrows. “Did you not keep in touch? Call them, I want to see them. I’m sure they can make some time to meet with us for lunch or something. Besides, don’t you want to tell them the news?”
The news. Oh. Right. I glanced down at the sparkly diamond ring on my left ring finger and closed my fingers into a fist, as if this would somehow make the ring disappear. “I…we don’t really have a good history. I mean, I don’t. With them.”
“Well, I’m going to see them,” Richard decided. He kissed my forehead. “Stay at home if you want, but I’m going, and you know after I go to New York I won’t be back for a while, so you really should try and spend more time with me. I wish you’d skip your classes.”
“I have to get my degree.”
He sent me a scornful look. “We already know you’re the best architect around.”
“They don’t,” I told him, wishing he’d stop bringing up the mission. Why was he so focused on it? Was he trying to dredge up all the memories? He couldn’t tell me it’d be pleasant for him, had it? In fact, I had blocked most of the thing from my mind. “Richard…”
“Alexia,” he mimicked, kissing my cheek, then my nose. “Come on. It’ll be nice.”
“I’ll think about it,” I allowed. He nodded, accepting that. I was so not going. Not after all of it. No.