Chapter 9 - Kellin - This Is Twice Now
If anyone ever doubts that things spread like lightning at my school, all I need to do is tell them this: I’ve already heard about Oli and Vic confronting Ian in the middle of the hallway at dismissal. It’s been about five minutes since that bell rang.
Apparently, a bunch of people saw it happen, so it’s no surprise that it’s already reached me. Then again, that’s only because I overheard a couple of kids talking about it in the hallway, which was nearly empty by the time I finally got out of that damn classroom.
Vic was right. Someone did notice. That someone happened to be my eighth period teacher, Mr. Billings. He kept me after class for a few minutes, saying he suspected something deeper going on in my life than the lies I tell everyone who asks. He was pretty accurate in that aspect, but I didn’t tell him that. I tried to stay as quiet and noncommittal as possible, so my side of the conversation was basically just an overuse of “Mm-hmm”, “I don’t know”, and “Okay”. He must’ve gotten the hint sooner or later, because eventually he just said that I could talk to him if I ever had a problem. I hope he realizes how unlikely it is that I’ll actually take him up on that offer.
So now I’m the only one in the hallway, and the sound of my footsteps echoes around me as I speed-walk to the front door and the parking lot. According to the kids I overheard, after Oli punched Ian, he and Vic ran down another hallway, and Ian was the only one to follow them, so nobody knows what happened after that. By now they might both be back in their cars, Oli driving home and Vic waiting for me, but they might also still be with Ian somewhere. I guess I’ll just find Vic’s car like I normally do and wait for him if I need to.
The school is almost dead now that the students are gone. There have to be some after-school activities going on somewhere, and there are probably kids who have detention, but nobody else is out in the hall. I’m relieved when I step outside and see a couple other kids and some cars—proof that I’m not suddenly the only person here. The blue car is there as usual, and I begin to head toward it, but familiar silhouettes and a familiar feeling make me stop in my tracks. It’s like déjà vu, except I actually have experienced this before.
The silhouettes are Jaime and Vic. They’re both in the car with their eyes closed and their lips locked together. Again.
Like I said, this feeling is familiar, but it’s also a bit different. Last time it was one of shock and denial. This time, it’s more of a sad acceptance. It’s like after a close friend of yours has died and you’ve finally realized that that friend isn’t coming back and won’t ever come back; they’re gone forever. It’s devastation.
Slowly, I force my feet to start moving again. I turn to the left and cut across the parking lot to clear on the other side, where Oli’s old black car sits. It’s empty, but when I pull at the passenger door, it opens for me. I slide inside and sink into the seat, tossing my backpack to the floor.
I take a deep breath, but it comes out sounding raspy. There’s a feeling in my chest like I’m going to cry, and after a suspended moment of nothing, my breath hitches again. From there, it’s all over. I’m bawling like a fucking baby, and with every wretched convulsion, I hear a voice in my head whispering, Weak. You’re weak. Don’t you dare cry. It’s your own fault for getting too attached. You’re so fucking stupid.
What slows the tears down is the moment I realize that I’m sitting in Oli’s car, waiting for him. Maybe Vic left early during whatever they were doing with Ian, or maybe Oli had to do another thing first, but sooner or later, he’s going to be in this car, and I need to get myself under control.
Focusing on slowing my breathing, I wipe violently at my eyes, determined to show no trace of a problem. I force myself to think of anything other than Vic. Sometimes his name or face or voice unconsciously pops into my mind, and the feeling rises up in my chest again until I stifle it.
Just as I’m pulling myself back together, the door of the driver’s seat opens and Oli sits down, narrowing his eyes. “Kellin. What are you doing here?”
When he says this, I realize that I don’t have any idea. I still have no intention of telling him about Vic and Jaime, so what am I doing here?
"I—" I begin, and my voice breaks. "I…just had another bad day. Sorry. What were you doing?"
Oli scowls. “Settling something. But I’m kind of thinking we made a stupid move.”
"Why, ‘cause beating Ian up probably won’t affect him much?" At the look of confusion on his face, I add, "I heard some kids talking about it."
He nods. “Yeah, it probably won’t have the effect we hoped for. I mean, I’m kind of thinking we took him down a level or two, because we actually did do a bit of damage, but a level or two isn’t good enough. Especially when he’s up that high.”
"Well…" I smile uneasily. "That was…nice of you. To, uh, go to that extent just because he beat me up a little."
He shrugs. “He’s been hurting you for too long. And I’m guessing he’s a pretty big factor in the bad day, too.”
"Yeah," I say, aware that I sound a bit distant. "That, uh, played bit of a part." Again, in my head I can see Vic making out with Jaime, the image clear as day. This time it’s a different feeling that rises up. The sadness is still there—of course it’s still there—but with it, there’s rage. And I think it’s this rage that makes me do what I do next.
I pull Oli towards me—my thoughts are a jumbled mess, my hands acting without my consent—and kiss him.
Shocked, he reels back, breaking it off. “What are you—” he starts, but something about me stops him. He leans forward a little, and I meet him halfway. This time he doesn’t fight back.
When it comes to things like this, Vic almost always has the upper hand, but with Oli, it’s like I can’t control myself anymore. That might be less because it’s Oli and more because I’m hurt, I’m angry…and there’s something else, too. A desire, not necessarily for Oli, but just for someone else. Someone other than Vic.
So I am wild, eager to explore every single inch of him. I can’t help myself; I love the thrill of a new body, and Oli kisses back with equal curiosity and intensity. As we’re pressed up against each other, it quickly becomes a bit of a war to see who ends up dominating. Eventually, though, Oli knocks me down to the seat. He’s on top of me now. Forgetting myself and where I am and who I’m with, I let out a little moan.
Oli stops, climbing off of me, and I open my eyes. Our gazes meet, as if we’ve both just all of a sudden realized what we’re doing. Firmly, he says, “This never happened.”
I nod, pulling myself up. “It stays in this car.”
He nods back. “What’ll you tell Vic if he asks why you were late?”
I shrug, grab my backpack, open the car door, and start to get out. “I’ll say Mr. Billings kept me after class.” Which isn’t a lie, either.
"Okay." He waves and smiles a little. "Sayonara."
I slam the door and take my time crossing the parking lot in case Jaime’s still in the car. As I approach it, I see nobody in the passenger seat and Vic tapping his hand on the steering wheel, waiting.
"Hey," I say as I hop inside. "Sorry I’m late. Mr. Billings kept me after class."
"For what?"
"I, uh…you were right. He, um, noticed."
He raises his eyebrows. “Seriously? How’d you get away? Is he gonna make you see a guidance counselor or something?”
I shake my head. “I just kind of didn’t say much at all. Tried to be as vague as possible. I’d say it worked for the most part.”
"I told you people would notice," he says, but then he changes the subject. "Hey, so…would you want to go with me to that free mini-golf thing tonight?"
"Sure. I mean, I hate golf, but it’s better than being at home."
"Definitely." Slowly, he starts to exit the parking lot. I don’t think anyone’s ever gotten in trouble for loitering here before, but we don’t really want to be the first. "You could even sleep over again if you want to. Take every moment of freedom you can away from that bastard."
He doesn’t have to elaborate on who “that bastard” is. “Hell yes,” I agree. “Does this mean we’ll end up making popcorn and watching some shitty romantic comedy?”
"Probably."
In my pocket, my phone rings. Pulling it out, I check the screen and find that it’s my dad. “Speak of the devil,” I groan, answering the call. “Hello?”
"Kellin!" Dad’s voice is so loud I nearly drop the phone. "What the hell is the meaning of this?"
Fuck. He’s drunk. “Uh, meaning of what?” I ask hesitantly.
"I just got a phone call from school. Some guy named Tom Billings. Said he’s ‘concerned’ about your ‘physical and emotional wellbeing’. What the hell did you tell him?"
Shit. Looks like Mr. Billings decided to do some research. “Nothing!” I say quickly. “I barely said anything. I played dumb, Dad, I swear.”
"You swear?"
"I swear."
"Good. You never tell anybody. That stays between you and me, alright?"
"Okay. Dad, um…I’m going to this thing at the mini-golf place tonight. Everything’s free. And then, uh, I’m staying over at Vic’s house again. Okay?"
"What? Why?" he snaps. "What’s wrong with our house?"
"I just…I’m coming home tomorrow afternoon, okay?"
"Tomorrow afternoon. I’ll keep that in mind. You better not call me again with another schedule change or I’ll—"
"I won’t, Dad. Bye.” I hang up.
Vic whistles. “Tough crowd. You know, you don’t have to if it’s gonna get you in trouble.”
"No. I want to." I rest my hand on top of his, possessively. It’s a gesture that says "You’re mine". One that says "I won’t share you". One that says "I’m sorry".