Originally Published on February 20, 2017 | Edited on April 24th, 2018.
Dedicated to all of you, actually! I can't pick one person for this chapter. It goes out to ALL of Dare readers, current & past, who have given me their love and your encouraging words which move me into writing something I can feel accomplished with. Thank you a million times over <3
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1. 1 4 . 1 : U N H E A L T H Y - H A B I T S . . . |
Arnav asked once we were in the car. "What do you want to eat?"
"Anything," I didn't have a preference.
"So, steak will do?"
"Sure."
He snapped his fingers in front of me and I blinked out of my thoughts. "Get back to Earth, yea?"
I recalled his suggestions and glared at him for obvious reasons. I followed Hindu practices and was a vegetarian and so was he. Steak? Eeks. No! "Anything vegetarian, Raizada."
He backed out of the parking spot and pulled out towards the roads. "Did I push it too much?"
He was talking about the sudden pull back in his room. I shook my head.
"I can't look at you and drive at the same time, Khushi."
"No," I voiced out my answer.
"Then why are you so out of it?"
"Nothing," I gave the simple answer.
I was thinking about some of the things I had written - one of them being fear of anyone breaching my personal space and how uncomfortable it made me. How my senses went on alert thinking the other person meant harm whenever it happened even if it would be accidental on the part of the passing by stranger.
He pulled up minutes later in front of a Mexican place. Given it was a weekday and far from campus area, it wasn't overflowing with college students or even just the general public. It was almost empty.
After placing our orders, he pointed out. "I can't prove I'm not boring if you remain this silent."
I smiled to assure him, "You don't have anything to prove to me."
"I'm just..." He stopped when his phone vibrated on the table. "Sorry," he apologized and answered it. "Uh, di. Hi... yeah, no. She did tell me about dinner. I just already had plans made... No! I wasn't trying to get out of dinner with you guys... sorry... are you really going to make me say the whole thing? Come on, di. I'm not a kid anymore..." He sighed before continuing, "Sorry di, I won't lie again. It's a bad thing. I know... Mhmm..."
I started to smile hearing the one-sided conversation and imagining how he was being scolded by Anjali. I hadn't met her and I doubted I ever would but I still started to admire the lady who could keep him grounded this way.
He glared at me, picking up the straw wrapper and throwing it at me as a means to scold me for laughing at his misery. I bit my lips trying to not burst out laughing.
He grumbled. "Okay di, can we finish this scolding later now? I really am out for dinner and you're embarrassing me."
Embarrassing? Hah. I don't think he knows the meaning of the word!
"Sure, I'll come by in the morning. Bye." He ended the call and putting it on the table, scolded. "You're very mean, you know that?"
I defended myself without taking offense, "That was funny and adorable and you know it, Raizada. I didn't think anyone could make you say sorry like that."
Lucky for him, our food arrived. It was quick but as I mentioned, there's barely anyone here. Thus, quicker service. "Shut up and eat."
I teased, "Now who is being mean?" I salivated at the sight of loaded nachos. I hadn't had them in some time.
Quietly, we ate until he asked pointing towards his enchilada. "Want to try this?"
I shook my head politely, "I'm good, thanks."
He rolled his eyes and forwarded the spoon in my direction, "Polite doesn't suit you, sweet pea."
I eyed the spoon he was holding out in front of me, a bit startled at how openly he was behaving without any guards.
He insisted, "Come on, open up. I promise it tastes yummy."
Okay, words like yummy should not come out of his mouth. It... does something, like strange butterfly effect at the pit of my stomach. To cover up, I lifted my hand to take the spoon but he pulled it back, "Just open your mouth."
I pretended I didn't like his ordering by rolling my eyes even as I allowed him to feed me the morsel. Well... it is yummy. A little spicy, but I liked it.
He grinned, "It's good, isn't it? I bet it's better than your nachos."
After I swallowed, I lifted my plate and switched it with his.
His mouth dropped, "Hey, you can't be stealing my food!"
I replied with a smirk, "You did say just now that polite doesn't suit me." I held out my hand, "Now c'mon, hand over that spoon."
He wouldn't, "Get your own."
I see. He was being difficult thinking it would get me to return his enchilada. He was terribly mistaken. I got up and grabbed a plastic spoon for the empty table beside us.
"Unfair," he grumbled as he placed his spoon on the plate of nachos.
I grinned, "Shouldn't have insisted I try this then. Let it be a lesson."
I was about to dig in when he commented, dropping all his cribbing, "If it gets you to eat, then it's a lesson I won't be learning for a long time."
Arnav flipping Raizada. Sneaky little...! Well played. He got me to eat this large enchilada compared to the small plate of nachos I'd ordered.
I blinked away from his gaze having no retort. How could I snap at him with anything? He'd left me speechless.
He smiled back and nodded towards the plate, asking me to eat while he finished the little bit of my nachos that were left.
When he was done, I pushed the plate of enchilada to the center of the table. He had to be hungry. That plate of nachos might have been enough to fill a tiny person like me but definitely not him.
He shook his head, "Nuh-uh. You are finishing that."
I informed, "I'll try but I am sure I can't finish this whole thing."
"You haven't eaten anything today. Sure you can." He insisted otherwise.
Calmly, I pointed out, "Arnav, I've been eating little for some time now. I'm not going to magically be able to eat the entire course meal by myself."
He seemed to understand that appetite doesn't come back in full swing within a day. He picked up his previous spoon and helped finish it though I did notice that he was taking lesser, smaller bites than me to make sure I would eat enough. With 1/4th left, I put my spoon down shaking my head to convey I was full and couldn't eat more.
"Sure?" he asked only once and when I nodded, he let it be and finished it off.
I was grateful he didn't push me to eat more than I didn't want to. I like it when people let me work off my own. I do realize I need to eat more and I appreciated that even though he knew that too, he was giving me space to build my appetite instead of force feeding and harassing me about it. Else, if he had nagged, it'd have just further repulsed me away.
Right now, sure, my eating habits were unhealthy but I did hope that one day in the near future, it'll be healthy. Eating habits were one of the things I had written down in the sketchbook he gave me. I knew I really needed to get back to eating better.
When the bill came, without even looking at it, he fished for his wallet. I placed my hand over the cover to stop him from putting the card inside and pay for all of it. He seemed to know what I was going to say and beat me to it, "I'm paying."
I challenged, "Is this a date?"
He opened his mouth to answer before he thought better and cautiously asked instead, "This is a trick question, isn't it?"
I pulled the bill towards my side, "Good, now that that is established, we'll split."
"But..."
I take out my card and put it inside the flap before holding out my palm asking for his card, "We had a good dinner. Don't ruin it by trying to be a man and insisting on paying for it."
He sighed and placed the card in my stretched palm. I slide it inside as well.
One argument dodged.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1. 1 4 . 2 : W I S H F U L - T H I N K I N G . . . |
There was this one thought that kept bothering me since he gave me the sketch book earlier in the evening. Making up my mind, I say it before I would talk myself out of it. "Them."
"What?" He glanced at me briefly in confusion.
"Them..." I expanded with my eyes focused on my lap so I didn't have to see the reaction on his face. "Not him."
He swerved off the road and his foot hit the break. The car screeched to a halt. I gasped, my hands hitting the dashboard as I use it to defend myself from bashing my head in it. I turned sideways to scold him, "What's the matter with you?!" as I tried to catch my breath and calm my pounding heart as blood rushed to my head.
He retorted in a cold and distant voice, "No, what is the matter with you? Telling me that while I am driving!"
My anger dwindled but only slightly. I could have picked a better time to tell him. Still, my instinct was to snap back as it often was with him, "So now it's my fault? Forgive me for trusting you enough to tell you!"
This wasn't something I decide to open up to with just anyone.
An unfamiliar expressed crossed his eyes on realizing I trusted him enough with this information. His chest rose and fell rhythmically as if to calm himself. However, his tightening grip on the steering wheel spoke another story.
It seemed as if he bit back his tongue to not say anything as he pulled back on the road. I can't say I am disappointed. I had no expectation of how he would react. He wasn't truly known for reacting, after all. There had been times when I had lost it in front of him and till date, I couldn't remember an extreme reaction. He'd snap back, argue, defend, but still he was always so composed of his emotions. It was difficult to claim what goes on inside his head.
One thing I can claim, however, is that he was one of the few who does not pity me. After knowing of him and his connection to the shelter, that much I can be certain of. He understands. He feels a connection. But he does not pity.
It's why I trusted him to tell him this. It how, little by little, I find myself letting him into my life.
Still, I had expected something instead of this nothing. Was it wrong to expect that? I told him something that meant something to me.
I noticed when he didn't make a turn towards campus housing area and instead continued driving straight. I wondered if he didn't realize too lost in his thoughts, "You missed the turn."
"I know." He muttered.
And...?
I sighed when he didn't make a U-turn and continued driving. This simmering silence vibrating off him and circling inside the car was turning the air thick. He kept driving for almost half an hour until he stopped at Princes pier.
Without saying a word to me he turned off the car, unbuckled and started walking towards the beach. I watched as he just kept walking before I get out too and followed. I had no idea what he was thinking.
I was nervous for him.
The only person I ever had to tell was Angad and he had responded by punching his sand bag, cursing them, before calming down and hugging me. I wasn't scared of his hug because he was a longtime friend. Armaan and Riddhima already knew and I never had to tell them.
With Arnav... he wasn't lashing out. He was holding it in and I just knew... internalizing was never good. Eventually, that bubble bursts and hell is let lose.
Reaching the shore, he sat on the sand and I sat next to him with about two feet distance between us.
I listened to the crashing waves for I couldn't see them. It was dark.
I felt the humidity in the air and how it was sticking to my skin.
Most of all, I heard the silence in him.
I wish he would say something but that was just it... wishful thinking.
I turned to face him when the silence was broken with a sniffle. I had no idea how to ask. "Uh... a-are you...?"
"Don't." He said in a quiet voice as if under his breath with clenched teeth.
I couldn't see his face in the dark but... he couldn't... he couldn't be crying... right? I didn't know how I felt right now... having a guy possibly cry for me.
He inhaled audibly before exhaling at a slow and even pace as if to gather himself. He pulled out his phone and tuned on the flashlight before holding it one hand and pointing it at the slightly damp sand we were seated on. "Put your hand there."
I glanced up in confusion not understanding the reason behind his request.
He added, "Please?"
I thought I'd see where he was going with it and listened.
"Make an imprint," he asked and I pressed my hand into the sand instead of just letting it sit there.
He nodded then and I moved my hand. He shifted the phone in his other hand before placing his hand lightly over the imprint. Gaze fixed on it while mines searched his face, he whispered. "Imagine..." He cleared his throat to actually speak instead of whispering, "Imagine I am holding your hand. Imagine that I will never let go. Imagine..." he sighed as if words were failing in what he wanted to express but I patiently waited, "Just imagine I am here next to you, always."
My gaze flickered to his hand on my imprint. He may be touching the sand, so to speak, but if I were to admit, he was actually touching my soul right now. He might have had trouble expressing what he truly wanted to but he didn't have to.
My heart seemed to catch every said and unsaid word.
He wanted to hold me but couldn't and I would have never thought for anyone to do this for me... find a way to still make me feel as if they were holding me without physically having their arms around my body to comfort me.
It might be the sweetest gesture ever but for some reason, it still clenches my heart.
The longer my eyes remained on his hand, the blurrier my gaze turned. Without so much as doing anything, he did everything and made me emotional - breaking the cage I held back that I couldn't be sure if they were tears of sorrow or joy.
What was he doing to me?
This imprint, he was leaving on my heart.
This was my imprint on the sand and his hand covering it, but truly, it was his shadow touching my soul, covering it as if in an eternal promise to never let anything or anyone remotely dark ever linger around it again.
In this moment, I felt everything.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R ' S - N O T E . . . |
I think I am going to go cry... yet another milestone in their story. How do you feel? Hopefully not too heavy hearted... but if you do, maybe I can say mission accomplished? As many of you have told me in your reviews on old version, this Arnav and Khushi bring out a melancholy sadness and something raw with their pain. It's like their USP here which I wanted to fine tune.. explore what else I could bring out while keeping that & I wasn't truly happy with the rushed reaction in old draft after Khushi tells him.
I really hope you love this new chapter! I do plan on making this recurring factor so please tell me if you think it works for them..! I'm writing another 'Imagine' scenario for book 2 right now. It may not be as deep as this one but I'm going to try :)
Okay, I rambled too much... like always. I always tell myself I won't write a long note and every chapter, I end up doing it. It's like my only way to communicate to you guys? Any advice on how to stop is welcomed if you think I talk too much! :/
See you soon! <3
PS: It feels wonderful to read your comments/inbox messages. Yall are too sweet and kind. Thank you so much for them! They really encourage me to write better. Keep voting & commenting <3