neils pov
I lay here in my bed, just thinking of the times before Maxie died. I cant stop thinking about her. I cant stop watching her suicide note video, and all of her other videos. I watch them just to see her alive. just to hear her voice again. and I don't know if its doing me any good. I miss her. I wont deny it. I miss her. all of these things happen in life and I don't know if they are good or bad.
it was good that I meet max. it was bad that she left. she died. I will never see her again.
I debate whether or not I want to join her early, but I know I have a purpose for me living. I need to live my life, but also live Max's life. and her death is a weight pressed onto my shoulders. me trying to live two lives at the same time is crushing me from the inside out. I need max here. I need someone to fill her place. but no one could replace her.
I cant get up everyday with out knowing that I somehow caused her to take her life. I cant live with myself knowing that she was so unhappy. I could've saved her. I needed to save her. and when she needed me the most, I wasn't there for her. I need her here now. and I know im being selfish. but I need her. I need to hear her voice, I need to hear her laugh, see her smile. I need to see her one more time. but I know that this is impossible.
shes gone and shes never coming back.
I could've 'effing saved her. I could have saved her. but I was to self centered to think about her. why am I so stupid. I saw that she was so unhappy but I didn't stop it. I couldn't stop it.
shes gone.
and its all my fault.