* * * * * *
'Well?' Leo continued to question the silent Hakyeon.
I do. I do. I do and a lot too! Hakyeon was screaming his answer but only inside his mind. Something was holding him back.
'I... can't.' Hakyeon said regretfully.
'You can't? Or do you not like me. Was I wrong?'
'No! I like you! But... as a friend.' Hakyeon lied and averted his gaze from Leo's intense eyes.
'Only a friend?' Leo doubted.
Hakyeon nodded and Leo went silent for a moment.
'How can I change that?' Leo asked.
'Huh?'
'How can I change the way you feel about me to being more than just a friend. I can't do it, Hakyeon-ah. I don't want to be just friends with you after all. I've always admired your enthusiasm, your passion and your everything. But before I knew it, you became more than just a friend in my eyes. Even a lifelong friend isn't enough for me.' Leo confessed.
'But... we can't.'
'What do you mean?'
'I'm... a man.'
'And?'
'And? Don't you get it Leo? Two men can't be together. It's not... normal! Did you forget that Amelia had to run away because she fell in love with another female?' Hakyeon bursted aloud while he could feel his heart shattering while trying to reject Leo's feelings. At the same time, realizing the consequences of breaking the rules to what was considered 'normal' was too painful for him to endure. Especially when the words had to come out of his own mouth.
'I don't care what others think about us! I only need you.' Leo grabbed Hakyeon's shoulders so that the boy had nowhere to escape except accept reality.
'How can you not care? What about your friends? You father? Your everything?'
'Status, wealth, I don't need any of that. You are my everything Cha Hakyeon.'
'How can you be so certain? We barely even know each other long enough. You're just confused.'
'I'm not. As for friends, I only have Ken and he already knows about how I feel about you.'
'What?!'
'He said he's never seen me so stuck onto anyone before. So love-struck and so easily jealous whenever I see you become closer to everyone else but me...'
Hakyeon gulped. He loves Leo too but he would have never thought that Leo loved him this much. The way Leo looked straight into Hakyeon's eyes was so intense yet so sincere.
'I-'
'Dammit Cha Hakyeon! Stop lying to yourself. Seeing you hesitate like this just proves that you feel something for me as well. So why do you keep lying to yourself?'
'I- I'm not! I'm just shocked. I didn't think that you would... feel this way about me. That's all.'
Leo sighed.
'You keep trying to run away or lie to yourself. I may not have known you as long as Minhyuk or Sanghyuk but I can feel it. You like me too.'
Hakyeon was lost for words to argue back any further or even try to deny what Leo was claiming. He didn't think that the Leo who was in love could be such force and persistence.
Leo looked at Hakyeon. He knew he was coming in rather intense with his feelings for Hakyeon but he couldn't wait any longer. He couldn't hold back his feelings like he thought he could.
Leo let out another sigh.
'Fine.'
What is? Hakyeon asked inside.
'I'll give you time. I know that you're the type to step further away the more I push you. But this doesn't mean I'm willing to give up. You can say you don't feel anything for me all you want right now but I will definitely change that. If you don't feel anything for me now like you say, than I'll just work harder and make you fall for me instead to the point that you can no longer see me as just a friend.'
Leo left for the night after his declaration and as Hakyeon sat still in his spot, his eyes began to tear. He could feel his heart beating loudly and the amounts of emotions he felt from Leo's confession was so great that it moved him to tears. Yet, it was a very bittersweet feeling. One that he couldn't find it in himself to accept right away. There were just so many things to consider besides his selfishness.
'Why am I such a coward?' Hakyeon frustrated with the situation. 'Why can't I say it? Why is it so hard?'
* * * * * *
Hakyeon saw it once again.
He was covered in red. This dream again. But the crying boy was nowhere to be found except Hakyeon found himself in a sea of red.
He was floating along a river and heard a whimper. The sky was grey and dead. The moon reflected the red river.
Where am I?
As Hakyeon carelessly floated down the stream, he heard a cry. A sob from a child's which caught Hakyeon's attention.
Hakyeon got up from his position and found the water had only reached up to his waist. He walked through the river of red and made his way to find the cries' owner.
He went up the stream and through a strangely eerie forest which was covered with thorns and vines. The usual Hakyeon would be too afraid and he would be shivering nonstop in fear but he knew well that this was just another one of his strange dreams.
When did he start having these dreams though? He could not remember but it feels like he's been having it since forever. A dream of a place he doesn't know of but feels rather familiar with.
As he continued on his path to finding the cry, he came upon a giant cherry blossom that was dyed red instead of the usual powdered pink color. What did this mean?
Underneath the tree, he found the boy scrunched up in his position and sobbing away. Hakyeon slowly approached the usual crying child.
'What's wrong? Why are you crying?' Hakyeon asked as he always did but the child would never reply.
Hakyeon knelt in front of the child trying to reach out for him and comfort the boy. Maybe if he could stop the child from crying in his dreams, than these unusual dreams will finally stop?
Just as he reached for the child, the child looked up at Hakyeon. Hakyeon was shocked.
The face on the child's was Hakyeon's when he was younger. A reflection of Hakyeon himself. But why is his younger self crying? Why isn't it the same person he's been seeing cry in his dreams? The same faceless person who Hakyeon can never recall?
Hakyeon had no answers to it and the dream became another wonder as he woke up from the usual morning chimes.
Another day.
* * * * * *
As Hakyeon was caught up in wondering about his dream, he heard Ken's voice calling for him from a mile away.
'Hakyeonie!! Wait up!' Ken shouted from a distance and so loudly that all the students that were in the middle looked at Hakyeon.
'You're too loud Ken!' Hakyeon shouted back.
Hakyeon saw that right behind Ken was Leo. Hakyeon recalled Leo's heartfelt confession the other day and he still felt like it was just a fantasy. Did Leo really confess to me?
But Leo did. The way Leo looked at Hakyeon was different after the confession. His gaze and attention was all placed on Hakyeon and Hakyeon could feel himself trying avoid such an intense stare. This is bad for my heart.
'Morning!' Ken said as he finally caught up with Hakyeon.
'Morning. Lively as usual I see.' Hakyeon greeted back. 'Morning, Leo.'
'... Morning.'
Leo didn't look as energetic as usual for some reason except he continuously kept looking at Hakyeon. Was it because I rejected him the other day?
Hakyeon felt a bit of guilt inside. But Hakyeon only rejected Leo thinking for the both of them. For their own sake. No matter how much Hakyeon wanted to accept Leo's confession, their status and background was just too different especially when they're both male.
'It's really getting chilly lately hasn't it?' Ken asked.
Hakyeon nodded.
The weather has really changed since he first met the two cousins. Winter was approaching and Hakyeon could see his breath through the chilly air.
'Remember to stay warm. Okay?' Ken suggested.
'I will. You two as well.'
'By the way, do you have any plans for the holidays?'
'Not yet. But mom did suggest we hold a Christmas party like every year.' Hakyeon replied.
'Oh?! Christmas party with Mrs. Cha's delicious meals? Am I invited?' Ken got really excited.
'Of course. That's if you don't already have plans...'
'Even if I do, I'll cancel them! Anything for Mrs. Cha! You'll attend too right Leo?'
'...'
Hakyeon looked at Leo rather hopeful. But Leo was unusually quiet and just following behind the two that was constantly chattering with one another.
'Do you want to come too?' Hakyeon initiated the invitation.
Leo hesitated at first but eventually gave a slight nod. Does he not want to come? Does he not like me anymore because I rejected him?
* * * * * *
At the end of every year, school would be on a two week Winter holiday break.
During these two weeks, the boutique would be bombarded with business but as busy as the Chas were, Hakyeon's mother would always make time for a scrumptious Christmas party for everyone. Especially her son's precious friends. She knew how much Hakyeon used to struggle making friends because he would often help out at the shop instead of hanging out with people of his age. So, when Hakyeon came home with new friends, she couldn't help but be grateful to them all.
They weren't only Hakyeon's greatest friends but also the best little helpers she could ask for.
Everyone was attending tonight's Christmas party.
All the boys gathered, even Hyuk's and Minhyuk's parents attended the party. There was much joy and laughter at the Cha household tonight. But there was one person that didn't seem to be as caught up in the excitement as everyone else. And this person in particular made Hakyeon more worried.
It was Leo.
He's been quiet for the past two months ever since that day. He said he would do anything to make Hakyeon change his feelings for him and in all honesty, Hakyeon was looking forward to what Leo would do. But Leo was not doing what he said he was going to do at all. Yet from time to time, Leo would steal a few peeks at Hakyeon as if he wanted to say something but couldn't in the end.
He would join the boys and sometimes give a nod here and there. There would be short conversations or replies that came from him but Leo just didn't seem like himself. The boys thought it was just the usual Jung Leo but Hakyeon could tell that something was definitely off.
As everyone was joined together to play games, Hakyeon noticed that Leo was missing in action. He became worried and went around the house to look for Leo.
He looked outside the window and saw Leo's back. It was cold outside and dark. Why is he alone outside?
'What's wrong?' Hakyeon went out in the cold to ask.
'Why are you outside? It's cold.' Leo approached Hakyeon and immediately took off his coat and placed over Hakyeon's shoulders, making sure the boy stayed warm.
'I should be asking you that. It's cold outside. Why don't you join everyone inside for a few games?' Hakyeon suggested.
'I... I'm just not good with too many people.' Leo said unenergetically.
'Is something wrong? You don't seem like yourself lately.'
'... Nothing is wrong. Let's get you back inside before you catch a cold.'
'Leo. There has to be something wrong. You've been more quiet than usual especially after... that day. Is it my fault?'
'No! It... isn't. It's my problem.'
'What do you mean?'
'I really shouldn't force my feelings on you. You must have been shocked.'
'No, I-'
'Sorry.' Leo interrupted. 'I did a lot of thinking. I really love you Hakyeon-ah. So much more than anything or anyone. You're the first person I've felt this way about.'
Jung Leo's first love.
'Maybe because it's the first time I've felt this way about anyone that... I just felt impatient and selfish. I wanted you so much to return my feelings that I never really thought about how you really feel. I'm the worst friend ever aren't I?' Leo was dejected.
'No! No! You're not! You're a great friend!' Hakyeon trying to cheer Leo up. But it was obvious that the word 'friend' wasn't the exact words that Leo wanted to hear. Hakyeon could tell but he choked up.
The two remained silent. Neither knew how to go on with the conversation or where the conversation would lead to if they continued.
Why was it so hard for them?
Hakyeon wanted to confess back to Leo yet his words were being held back. He bit his lips hard but he couldn't feel the pain from his frozen lips. It was cold that night. Much colder than usual and soon, Hakyeon could feel a cold tingle drop down on his nose.
He looked up along with Leo.
It was snow. The first snow of that year. The first snowfall on the first Christmas they've spent together.
'It's snowing.' Hakyeon got a bit excited despite the chill.
Leo nodded.
The two gazed at the brightly lit sky with a beautiful white fluttering from the sky and down onto them. It was cold but it was definitely beautiful. So mesmerizing.
'Hakyeon-ah.'
'Hmm?'
'I...'
'What's wrong?'
'There's something I need to tell you.'
'What is it?'
Leo gulped.
'I... I will be enlisting in the military at the beginning of next year.'
'What?'
'Not just me but Ken as well. The war that's been breaking out lately, they're in desperate need for more soldiers and due to our family backgrounds, it is mandatory that both of us enlist right away.'
Hakyeon was speechless. Why so suddenly?
'I've actually received the enlistment letter not long after I confessed to you. I felt horrible that I have to leave after being so confident with myself, with my feelings for you. I wanted to tell you but I just didn't know how to bring it up to anyone. Even Ken kept silent.'
'For how long?' Hakyeon almost felt like he was going to cry.
'I'm not sure. For as long as they need me.'
'But...'
I'll miss you. Hakyeon whimpered the words in his mind.
'Hakyeon-ah.'
'Hmm?'
'Can you wait for me? Can I wait for when I return, you would give me your answer one more time?'
'One more time?'
'Mhmm. You can use the time I'm away and think about it. Do you really only see me as a friend or can we possibly be more than just friends? I'm willing to wait. I really do love you Cha Hakyeon.'
Hakyeon nodded. There was nothing more he could say nor know what to say.
He was afraid that if he said the wrong thing, it would hold Leo back from his duties.
* * * * * *
With that, the year ended.
It was a late Winter snow and soon, both Leo and Ken was gone from Brampton. Out to serve the country and perform their roles as a soldier for their country. Ones who would defend their beloved homeland and those they cherished.
Hakyeon waited. He would wait forever if he had to and when Leo returns, Hakyeon was ready to give the latter his reply.
'I love you Jung Leo.'
* * * * * * A/N * * * * * *
I hope you guys don't mind these rapid updates. I really want to finish this story soon so I can focus on < Dream.scape > next. And I know that this is actually quite a long read like my previous NEO ff so I need to vroom vroom my writing~
I will be leaving Seoul in two days unfortunately and I'm sure going to miss VIXX. Sad Ken's musical isn't until end of February. I have no money.
I've been debating on teaching English either in South Korea or Japan. So we shall see what happens? I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter because it might get a bit heavier from here. Sorry in advance.