joe
Yesterday was not a good night for Ruby or I. I didn't want to fight with her. I never want to fight with her. When I had intended to go over to Oli's, Caspar told me that he wasn't in because he was with his brother, James. I was too scared to leave Ruby with Caspar as well, so I just took up camp outside. I told him that if Ruby woke up, he had to come get me. I guess it's a good thing that Oli wasn't in, so I could be closer to her.
I didn't know that Ruby was going to find me. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't come find me. She was acting weird last night. She had been weird all day yesterday and today. She's been quite irritable over everything. She gave Caspar the silent treatment for over two hours this morning because he asked her if she needed anything from Sainsbury's. I'm beginning to get really worried about her. I know it's not her period because that was about a week ago, and she never got officially upset over anything, she just got moody and swore a lot. The only times she is okay is when she wakes up after a nightmare.
Ruby went to bed almost thirty minutes ago, and I haven't heard anything since then. I'm very concerned for her, but I don't want to go check on her out of fear that it will only upset her further.
I decided to take a shower before going to bed, hoping that it will somehow clear my mind enough for me to be able to go to bed. But when I get out, I discover that it really did no good. Wrapping the white towel around my waist, I notice that the bottom drawer is open on my bathroom counter. Before I close it, I see Ruby's bag of toiletries inside, along with a small pill bottle shoved into the full bag.
Ruby has only mentioned medication once while she was over here, and it was to tell me that it didn't work. I don't want to be the nosy boyfriend, but what if this is the reason that Ruby hasn't been herself? I pull the pill bottle from the bag and attempt to read the bold name at the bottom. Underneath it is says, for PTSD or frequent nightmares. The refill date at the bottom is in three months. She just recently got these.
I place the pills back in her bag and shut the drawer. I pick up my pajamas pants from the floor and proceed to slip them on before exiting the bathroom.
Now, if Ruby hasn't been moody, tonight would probably be the best night I've had in a while. Jack is staying over at our house because he has locked himself out of his flat after leaving his keys in some club, and the only person who has a spare key is Conor, who is currently out of the country with their sister, Anna. While Ruby was having one of her good moments of the day, she offered to give Jack her bed until he can get his flat open. She told him that she would just sleep with me tonight, which would be great if she wasn't currently mad at everything.
I look at the black-haired girl laying on the bed, facing away from the bathroom door. As I crawl into bed beside her, I can hear her slow breathing. I don't think Ruby has ever gone to sleep within twenty minutes of being in bed. Maybe it's a side effect of the drugs in her system. I turn the bedside lamp off and lay back against my pillow.
I'm never able to fully go to sleep. Ruby keeps tossing and turning, and every time she moves, it scares me, waking me up almost immediately. Around two in the morning, I'm woken up by a hit to my chest. By instinct, I grab Ruby's wrist quickly. She whimpers quietly at the contact, and I let go. I remember her talking to Regina about how she accidentally hit Zoe the night we stayed in Brighton. I didn't think she hit often in her sleep, but maybe she actually does.
The younger girl faces me now, with both of her hands clenched into fists. Her face is sad but determined as she breathes quite loudly beside me in bed. In one swift action, she screams and covers her face with her arms so fast that she punches the headboard, scaring herself awake. She looks at me with wide, scared eyes before softly rubbing her knuckles.
"Shit, I'm sorry." She mutters, sitting up on the bed. I turn on my lamp and reach a hand out to her, offering to help her. She unhesitatingly lays her hand on top of mine. I hold it in the light to see her knuckles turning red, but not bleeding.
"Does it hurt very much?" I ask her. She looks at her hand for a small moment before answering.
"Of course it hurts. I just need like, some ice, though." She mutters. Nodding, I stand from the bed to get her ice. Not expecting for her to follow, I'm surprised when I hear her feet padding up the stairs behind me. We pass Caspar on the couch, who is completely out of it, snoring really loudly. He doesn't even wake up when I flick the light switch on.
Ruby hops up on to the kitchen counter and looks over her hand repeatedly. I hand her a bag from the freezer, and she holds it to her knuckles. She winces at the first touch, but soon, leans back and stares up at the ceiling.
I look at my disheveled girlfriend, sitting on the marble counter top. The bag of frozen vegetables, that we gave to Caspar little over a week ago, rests on her lap over her bruising knuckles. Her hair is in one massive tangle like pretty much always, and when she tries to run a hand through it, she frowns in disapproval. Ruby reaches a hand out to me where I stand about a foot away. She nods toward the black elastic around her wrist.
"I'm still not allowed to know, I'm guessing?" I question, pulling her hair up as best as I can on top of her head. Her green eyes look everywhere except for me as she leans her forehead onto mine.
"Your headboard is hard." She whispers, averting the question.
"Why won't you ever tell me about them?" I mutter, matching the soft volume of her voice. I know I should give up. If she hasn't shared the nightmares with me by now, why should I keep asking? But I feel like if I don't offer to listen, I'm neglecting her, which is something I never, ever want to do to her. That's just one reason. I also just want to know why she won't tell me what she sees.
"I'm scared that if I talk about them, they'll come true, and I really don't want to lose you, Sugg." Ruby sniffles before I see her eyes begin pooling with tears. "Why do you have to make me cry so much?" She asks, trying to laugh afterwards.
"I swear I don't try." I say, reaching my hands up to wipe away her tears. "But, you dream about me?"
"Too much." She scoffs, smiling. "Way too much." She reaches her uninjured hand up to trace my jaw before kissing me. We haven't really kissed in the past few days. Nothing more than a little peck on a cheek or forehead. "I'm sorry I've been an emotional wreck."
"Did you start taking your pills again, love?" I whisper. She darts her eyes away and rubs my cheek a bit faster with her thumb.
"Um, yeah." She answers finally. "I wanted to try them again, just to see. They obviously don't work, though."
"They changed your entire attitude." I note. She nods her head.
"Yeah, they do that." Ruby moves her hand up to play with my hair before she begins talking about her prescriptions. "The first time I ever got a prescription for my nightmares was when I was ten years old. They were pink pills that my mom had to crush up and hide in my applesauce. I didn't even know I was taking those pills until after I finally got switched two years later. I thought my mom just wanted me to get a little extra vitamin C.
"When I turned twelve, the pills changed into one that was half green and half white. The capsules couldn't be broken up easily, so I learned how to swallow pills the size of my ring fingernail. This was when my parents started having a lot of marital problems. Dad would tell me, It's okay to miss a day. It won't be the end of the world. My mom would turn me right around and say, Don't ever think about skipping. You need these, Ruby. We need these." Ruby takes a small break to scoot back further on the cabinet. She plays with the few pieces of hair that stick out of the horrible bun.
"The pills changed again when I turned thirteen. Now they were small and a light green color. These were definitely my least favorite because I couldn't just take them quickly without having to taste them. No, I had to let them dissolve in my mouth. Every time I would have to do it, I would gag. Needless to stay, I wasn't on them for very long.
"Then I was put back on to the gigantic, pink pill, but I could now swallow pills, which made it a lot better, even though I still used to eat applesauce after taking them." She finally locks her eyes on mine. She's not crying this time, though. She just looks exhausted, like she hasn't slept in a week.
"When I turned fifteen, I was put on a large, circular blue pill that was probably the biggest pill I've ever seen. The first few times I took it, I tried to just swallow it, thinking I could. All those times, I ended up choking and gagging for hours trying to get it out of my throat. I had to crush them up and put them anywhere I could to take them when I ate. Those were the worst pills I've ever had. I don't know if they worked how they were supposed, but they turned me into an insomniac. I guess you can't have nightmares if you don't go to sleep. They also caused me to hallucinate during the day.
"Just when it started getting really bad, Regina moved over to America, moving into the house two down from mine. I would let her sneak into my room at night, and she would sit up with me, talking her head off to make me feel okay."
"Regina's quite good at that, isn't she?" I smile. I've talked to Regina more over the phone than in real life. Sometimes when Caspar and I would go on holiday somewhere, we would drop by LA to see her. She would bring Ruby up, but never by name. She would always tell us that her friend was too busy to meet with us. We were never in Los Angeles long enough to see her. I've told Regina and Ruby that I'm so glad Regina was there. I couldn't imagine what Ruby might've gone through if she didn't have someone looking out for her.
"Yeah, she's a ray of sunshine sometimes." Ruby smiles as well. "Regina was almost like a bad influence at first. At sixteen, I got white pills. They were easy to take, but they didn't help me at all. Regina taught me how to flush my pills. She bought me aspirins that were just a bit bigger than the pills I had to take, and we flushed the rest of them down the toilet. I was on those for two years, but I was never actually on them. I just let my mother believe that. When I moved out with Aaron, I stopped taking everything. It was great for a little while until... well, you know.
"I got my last bottle of pills after Aaron and I parted ways. The ones that are in the bathroom now. I took them for a little bit, but once Regina took them away and told me I was being an inconsiderate bitch, I stopped. I still got them refilled, though, every time I could. I just thought that maybe I could eventually get them to work." She moves the vegetables off her hand and looks at it closely. I take the bag from her and place it back in the freezer.
"You've been on them for the past few days, haven't you?" I ask her. She nods her head slowly.
"I wouldn't have fought with you over nothing, if I wasn't on something." Ruby says, hopping down from the counter. I reach a hand out to her, and she squeezes it gently.
"Come on, love." I say, nodding toward the stairs. I lead her down to my bathroom where I open up the bottom drawer, revealing the bottle. She leans down and picks it up. She looks at herself in the mirror shortly before turning to look at me. There's a small look in her eyes, but I don't know what it is. "I'm not going to make you do it. I can get used to your attitude if you want to stay on your meds." I tell her. She looks down, and I use my thumb to angle her head back up.
She stands there for a long time, thinking about what to do. "I can't continue to treat you and Caspar horribly for the next eighty-eight days. I don't think that's a very good trait in a girlfriend, is it?" I don't have any time to answer her before she pulls her hands from mine to open up the pills. She flushes them quickly and tosses the bottle in the trash can.
"We're going to be okay." She assures me. It seems weird to be the one that needs the reassurance rather than the one giving it. Ruby scared me these past few days. I didn't know what was going to happen. I'm not ready to lose her, either. "Alright? It's going to be fine now."
"I know, babe." I mutter. When she kisses me, she pushes me up against the sink. I hadn't realized how much I had missed this spontaneous, loving version of Ruby over the past few days.
I pick her up by her thighs, and she wraps her legs around my waist. I walk her back to the bedroom, the kisses becoming more rushed and messy with every step. I lay her on her back on the bed before hovering over her, never breaking our lips apart.
"We're good now, right?" She asks, breaking our lips for a short second while tapping my bare torso. In response, I kiss her again, placing my hands just under the hem of her sweatshirt. "I'll take that as a yes." She laughs as I move my lips from her mouth to her neck. I smile against her skin before kissing her deeply, trying to forget the past few days. We're going to be okay, I'm sure of it.