"love is a smoke made with the fumes of sighs."
"are you two ready?" my motheir asked kei and i.
"affirmative," i said.
"mhm," kei said.
"well then let's get going," my mother said, "keep watch of the house for us okay! see you soon honey."
she kissed the top of my sister's head.
"cya soon," kei said to my sister, flashing one of his killer smiles. jeez, maybe this was why she liked the dude.
i could see that my sister was blushing at what he did.
i just kept silent.
what could i do?
i couldnt go up to my sister all like, "KEI LIKES ME KAY BYE."
she was my sister, i'd see her either way at home or not.
and with that, we were all sent to the airport.
if i remember correctly, yuzu, you'd waited for me.
i was happy.
im pretty sure my face lit up at seeing you there because i'd seen kei's face turn sour when he saw you.
yes, i learnt to be more observant. for once, yes i know.
"mom..." i started, "--- go," my mother finished.
i beamed and ran towards you. ne yuzu, did you know you were always so warm whenever i hugged you?
i remember kei whining wanting a hug from me too. but he was too far for me to hug.
"hey, good luck at the competitions," you said.
ne yuzu, did you know everytime you said good luck, that itself would reassure me and my winning.
"good luck back," i said, "i love you."
but of course, i whispered the last part.
i couldnt risk you hearing the last part.
what if you decided that you wouldnt talk to me anymore? none of that was going to happen under my watch.
"MAKOTO let's go," kei had yelled back then.
i could tell he was getting very annoyed back then but i guess i wasnt very shaken by it.
but if knew that this would be the future, i mightve been more sensitive to him.
anyway, i remember checking in with kei, having to leave you alone.
but in the end, we sat together in the plane.
honestly, the me back then was so happy yuzu. i felt so lucky that i could sit beside you.
maybe i thought it was fate.
maybe.
but nah.
to be honest, i didnt remember much of the flight because i felt so tired, i think i slept almost immediately on your shoulder.
yes, my 15 year old heart was palpitating fast but in that kind of situation, would you rather sleep or worry about the moment at hand?
sh, the answer is sleep.
and thus i basically slept through the entire flight.
"ne, i love you."
the first thing i remember from getting down from the flight is you waking me up.
ne yuzu, i wish that moment where we'd both had been sleeping on each other in the plane would last forever.
ne yuzu, did you?
okay you most likely didnt but its okay.
time with you is fine enough.
but time runs out anyway.
like how i'll be once you read this.
ignore that okay?
i remember that once we got off the airplane, before i could even get a drink, i was tossed into a huge amount of work to do.
"makoto, we have to head off. now," i remember my mother said that before dragging me away from you.
of course, we both had our own matters to settle. except i had a more packed schedule.
i couldnt be with you.
and before i knew it, we'd reached the competition arena area and my mother was helping to settle my entire entry form.
"hey, dont look so down that that hanyu guy left you," kei said.
i didnt know i was so easy to read.
"im not," i denied.
i was sad though. i was crazily annoyed that i had to leave you.
kei wrapped his arm around if i remember correctly. of course i wouldnt forgot, that was the hand that was used to cheer me up during my times of sadness.
of which i had ALOT of those moments.
i smiled back up at kei when he did that though. i think i always did. it was my way of saying thank you.
but all i remember kei doing is looking away. at that moment it kinda saddened me because i thought it would be okay for us to return to what we once were.
but i guess not.
suddenly i was locked in a memory.
all i could see in front of my eyes was a young you smiling back up at me when i helped you up from your fall from one of your jumps.
i remember you told me how much you loved me and could never imagine me out of your life.
ne yuzu, you dont know the amount of times i wished for what you said to be meant in a romantic context.
i guess i'll never get that wish.
but i guess, that's what i get for being so close to you that you cant even see me as a girl anymore.
"heyyy... MAKOTO!" a familiar voice snapped me out of my reverie back then.
it was my mom.
"ne makoto, are you up to a challenge?" she asked.
i nodded obviously.
"the counter told me that a pair had withdrawn from pair skating competition. wanna show off what you got, or are you chicken," my mother teased.
up till today, i still cant believe that kei volunteered us both for the competition but i guess im kind of greatful to him.
but once we got backstage backthen, i remember having to settle alot of the admin stuff because we were joining another competition.
ne yuzu, have you ever considered pairs skating? no?
ne yuzu, what if i was the one who wished for you to skate with me? would you do it? or would you only do it for my sister?
just kidding.
by the time if you ever read this, theres no need to answer this question.
i wont be able to react to it anyway.
back to that day, honestly why'd you come so late?
as annoying as this sounds, i actually missed your face back then.
okay maybe not your face only.
maybe your entire body.
entire soul.
entire self.
but it doesnt matter to you dont it?
i remember that once you reached the back area, you and i hugged again.
did i already mention that you gave me hope?
but before we even broke the hug back then i was peeled off you by kei.
and brought away.
just when you arrived too.
"you know if you keep beaming like that, one day or another hes going to realise it?" i remember kei telling me.
i didnt know i was that obvious.
"sorry i just... cant help it. i dont know why i just do those things and i just get lost in my own world that--- are you trying to convince me that youre innocent or trying to make me jealous that i dont have your heart? i'll steal you from him you know," im pretty sure thats how our conversation went at the corner. of course i started and got cut off.
i think at that point of time, my face mustve been very sad because the last thing i remember kei doing was hugging me to his chest because im gosh darned short.
"dont be so vulnerable in front of others. i'll let you off this time for the sake of our childhood," was the last thing i remembered kei said before ruffling my hair and passing me back off to you.
honestly at this time, i was confused about my feelings.
pick the guy i love, or pick the one who loves me?