"The secret to love is that there are no secrets when you love."
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What happened the rest of the night doesn't ring a single bell. All i remember is that i was now worried because i didn't want to tell Zayd about my past. Although he did. He used to date and was involved in various haraam stuff when he was 13 or 14. But he didn't feel bad about it. And anyway, if he did, he had the support of his parents. If i told my parents about his past, they wouldn't even care. He was lucky to have so much respect in his parents' eyes. I wish i was that lucky.
Life would have been easier if i didn't run away with Dylan; if i didn't trust him enough for him to hypnotize me. I kept changing positions, but i couldn't sleep. Zayd was fast asleep; and i should be doing the same. I woke up at nine this morning so logically thinking, i should've been snoring right now. I had such a hectic day; but my thoughts and worries were far more hectic. If only i had some courage to face his reaction after telling him the truth. He wasn't afraid; why was i? He comitted sins but he was all ok about it. He told me he repented and so now he felt all better. Didn't i do that? Of course i did. Since that day forward, i didn't even look at a guy. I didn't even go anywhere alone; i always had some company with me. I started waking up for tahajjud; i used to weep, asking for forgiveness and used to stay up all night doing that. I got a permanent headache because of staying up all night. My eyes used to burn because of crying all the time; what did i do wrong? Where did i go wrong? Maybe i didn't pray enough; maybe the sin was too big to be forgiven by tahajjud prayers and tears.
"Oh Allah! Please forgive me. I need your help, your guidance. Please show me the right path and make things and relationships easy for me.. Ameen", i made a silent prayer in my heart. I slept at 2 in the morning; i hadn't been this nervous before. Marriage held handful of challenges to face. But, was it just me?
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I woke up with the call of prayer hitting my ears. I had an automatic adhan alarm set on my phone. And so it went off at times of prayers. I was about to turn it off and go back to sleep when the following phrase hit my ears.
الصلاة خير من النوم (Prayer is better than sleep)
I quickly sat up. Allah SWT just gave me a message; i shouldn't delay anymore now. I looked over at Zayd but he hadn't moved an inch. He was sleeping in the same position; the call to success didn't provoke his thoughts. I decided to wake him up after i had performed wudhu and so i got up, and said the morning prayer- before heading to the restroom.
"My parents expect us to be at the dining table at exactly 9 o'clock. We shouldn't be a minute late. Ok?", Zayd said after he finished the prayer. I was reading my daily dose of Quran on my cell, so i just nodded. He had already started ruling over me; was it ok for him to?
Zayd went to sleep right after praying. I finished reading surah Al-Mulk and put my phone on the side table, pulling the covers on me. It was one of those cold winter mornings. And you know what would make this better? If someone told me a wise way of disclosing the dark secret of mine. If only. InshAllah...maybe.
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I had worn a black shirt and tiger-stripe straight skirt. I put my hair over my shoulders and put on my silver hoop earrings. I didn't have to worry about wearing a hijab right now; not until Zayd's brother was home. Zayd had a younger brother, who was away for studies in England. The only man other than Zayd was Zayd's father, who was my mahram. It was 8:45 am and we had to be at the dining table in 15 minutes. Zayd was still taking a bath and i was done getting ready, so i decided to just sit down on the bed.
How will i tell Zayd? Will i be just open with him and be like "Yeah im a very bad girl. Please dont hate me" or will i go very slow like "I love you and i hope you understand that life has it's ups and downs and not everyone is perfect"? I was confused. Very confused. The situation could get worse if he found out from someone else. But, who will tell him? I will tell my family to not bring up a topic of any kind which might suspect them of anything close to what happened. And other than my family, nobody knew. I suddenly felt better. And i suddenly felt like telling him about my past wasn't necessary. What is going to happen anyway? Its not like my past will effect our lives. A breathe of relief escaped my lips as i straightened my skirt. I felt like a completely new person; free of all the worries in life.
"Hello?", Zayd snapped a finger in front of my face and i suddenly realized i was smiling to myself. "Whats up?", he said, staring at me from the dressing table mirror. He slicked his hair back and put on perfume.
I shook my head and he smiled. "Well if nothing's up, shall we go and have breakfast?", he had his hand in one of his jeans' pockets and smiled as he stared at me for an answer. I simply smiled as he opened the door for me and let me walk outside first. He closed the door behind us and we both headed for the huge dining room. He was such a gentleman. I wonder if he would stay the same if i ever told him the secret?
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After 4 rings, i finally answered my phone. It was Hafsa.
"Assalamualaikum. In case you forgot, you have a sister", she mocked as i laughed. "Hafsa its only been a few hours. And i was at the breakfast table - how was i supposed to call you before that?", i said. She laughed.
"Im just kidding. But seriously, how did it all go last night?", he suddenly put on her trademark excited voice. I smiled. "Nothing special. We just talked, thats it", i said.
"Did you tell him?", she spoke as if she was whispering. "Tell him what?", i asked her.
"Hamna, dont tell me you didn't tell him the biggest secret of your life? How are you going to spend you whole life with him if you're going to hide your biggest secret ever?", she scolded me and i suddenly knew what was she talking about. I pressed my lips together and looked down. She was right. But she was only saying this because she had no clue what would happen if i did tell him. How do i handle the situation? The pressure is getting intense with every passing moment. I need to do something about it before things get out of hand.
"I can't tell him Hafsa. And you wont understand if i told you why", i spoke quietly.
"Why not?", her tone was harsh. How do i put it in words she'll understand? She just simply wont understand the situation im going through - or will go through if i told him.
"I just cant. Can we talk about something else?", i tried changing the topic. She sighed.
"Yes we can but let me tell you something - you're making the second biggest mistake of your life. If he finds out from someone else, you know what's going to happen", she tried convincing me. If this is the most she could do, she was failing.
"How? Who's going to tell him? You guys? Really? You will do that to me?", i fought back. There was a pause at the other end, so i continued.
"You and mami/baba are the only people who know about this. Nobody else does. And if you're thinking about telling him so you could ruin my life, then fine go ahead. What else can i expect from you guys anyway? Especially baba", i spoke in one breathe and hung up. I didn't want to hear anything she had to say. If i had come to such a huge decision, she should realize that there must be some reason behind it. Why cant they trust me with decisions? I know what happened in the past prevents them from trusting me with anything, but can't they just realize that i have changed now. Im mature now. I was 17 when i made such a terrible mistake. They will never think of me as mature whenever the same topic will come up. What kind of parents were they? I thought parents supported their child in difficult times. What were they doing? Nothing - besides making situations worst for me.
I didn't want to talk to anyone right now. All i wanted was to lie down and pull the blanket on me - forgetting about everything that was going on. Was that too much to ask?
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It was just hours before the reception that Hafsa came to my house. She rang the bell about 6 times before i went and opened the door. Seeing her standing in the doorway, i smiled giving her a hug. She hugged me back and came inside. I led her to the huge living room.
"Is everything alright?", i asked her when we sat down. She smiled.
"I have to ask Zayd if i can take you to the beauty parlor. I was leaving just now and figured you had to, too so i decided to come and ask for permission from your husband", she laughed. Husband. My husband. I had a husband. I had no idea i would develop this kind of relationship with a guy at such a young age. I smiled.
Just then Zayd came in and saw Hafsa and i talking.
"Hey! What a pleasant surprise", he said, sitting down beside me. Hafsa smiled and nodded. "I came to take your wife with me", she said.
"My wife?", said Zayd looking at me. Was i blushing? I shouldn't be. It has been a week; i should learn to be confident around his gaze. "Why?", he asked.
"I was going to the beauty parlor to get ready for tonight. I figured i wanted to take her with me. If that's ok with you?", she asked politely. He nodded.
"Yeah sure. That's not a problem for me", he said. "As long as you take good care of her", he mocked. Hafsa laughed, grabbing my hand.
"I care for her more than you do", she mocked back and we both headed out the door.
"Hafsa! wait", i said when i realized i didn't have my hijab on. "Just put this on your head", she said pointing at the scarf i had around my neck. I wrapped it around my head and sat in her car. The day was beautiful and i couldn't wait for the Valima tonight; even though i hated the idea of dressing up as a bride.
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"Hamna, can i ask you something?", Zayd said as we both sat in the big limo. We were going to go to reception hall in the limo. My family and Zayd's family were going to come in their own cars.
I gulped. What was so important that he couldn't wait until after the reception? I hope everything was ok. I nodded lightly
"Are you sure you're not hiding anything from me? This past one week you have been looking scared and worried about something. Is there something i should know?", he didn't blink once. He stared at me as i made a decision whether to tell him or not. I had to; i couldn't lie. This was it. I didn't know if he will cancel the reception and divorce me right now, but i guess it had to happen. I took a deep breathe and nodded.
"Zayd... i have to tell you something", i spoke as i fiddled with my fingers.
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Salams everyone! So i know this was another short chapter but honestly its only because i was in no mood to write but i did because then i wont be able to post for another week now.
I wont be able to post for maybe more than a week; but still, i'll try my best to. :)
I hope you guys liked this chapter.
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One love superwoman, that is a wrap and ZOOP! lol (Im obsessed with her videos)
Yours truly,
BritishHolic.