"Kuya, hindi ba nalungkot ang family ni Andres Bonifacio nung namatay siya?" I asked kuya Kevin.
Ngumiti siya, "Syempre. Sobra silang nalungkot. Pero sa kabila nun, masaya sila dahil alam nilang magbubunga ang pagsasakripisyo niya." he patted the chair beside him, gesturing me to sit down. Sinunod ko naman ito.
"Gagawin mo rin ba 'yung ginawa ni Andres?"
"Magiging doktor na ako, kailangan handa akong ialay ang buhay ko para sa bayan."
I hugged him, "Kuya, mom and dad will be sad if you do that. I'll be sad. If you want your name to be written in textbooks, you can always become an author. You don't need to become a hero." I heard him stiffle a laugh. "I don't want you to die." I muttered.
Kuya Kevin hugged me back, "Hindi naman sa ganun, Kristin. Ganito," umalis siya sa pagkakayakap sakin at hinawakan ang magkabilang balikat ko. "Hindi namatay sina Bonifacio, sina Rizal, para sa karangalan. Hindi sila namatay para maisulat ang pangalan nila sa mga aklat. Ginawa nila 'yun para sa pagbabago. Para sa kalayaan."
My brother ruffled my hair, "Ganun din ang gagawin ko."
"You'll raise a revolution against the president?"
He chuckled, "Ikaw talaga. Hindi lang naman sa pakikipaglaban maipapakita ang pagmamahal mo sa bayan. Si kuya, ipapakita pagmamahal niya sa bayan sa pamamagitan ng paggamot at pagtulong sa mga taong may sakit. Hindi ba't parte ng bansa ang mga mamamayan nito?"
My brother was my hero. His words were my inspiration. My guide. I admire him so much. Maprinsipyo siyang tao. Kung ano ang pinaniniwalaan niyang tama, 'yun ang paninindigan niya. He fights for what's right. For the better. In spite of overwhelming obstacles, he'll stay strong. He'll find a way to solve problem.
He is simply amazing and I just couldn't imagine life without him.
But then, it happened.
My brother was kidnapped and was violated. He was traumatized to the point na nagha-hallucinate na siya. And what's worse is everytime his sedatives are off, magwawala siya. And it'll take two or three nurses to calm him down.
A week after the incident, I was standing outside my daddy's study. The door was slightly open kaya naririnig ko ang pinag-uusapan ng mga tao sa loob.
I could hear ate Shanaiah's sobs. He was my brother's girlfriend. She was with him in Sulu.
"P-patawarin niyo po ako. K-kasalanan ko po, kung pinigilan ko sana siya. Kung hindi ko sana siya hinayaang sumama umakyat ng bundok. Hindi sana siya nagdurusa ngayon."
"Shanaiah, hija. You don't need to blame yourself." my mother, Alicia Lopega, gently said.
"N-no, it's my fault. I shouldn't have let him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Shanaiah said between her sobs.
I gripped the teddy bear I was holding.
"That's right. Blame yourself. It's your fault. If you stopped my brother, hindi sana siya nasa ganitong sitwasyon." I said to myself. I felt anger consuming me.
I stiffened when I heard my father, Leonardo Lopega, spoke. "My son did that to help a family living in that mountain. Walang makakapigil sa kanya pagdating sa pagtulong sa mga nangangailangan. Don't blame yourself, Shanaiah."
I walked away after hearing those words. But instead of going to my room, I went to my brother's room. I gently opened the door pero hindi ako pumasok.
I looked at my brother, his sedatives are off, kaya nagwawala na naman ito. He was screaming while throwing away the pillows.
Hot tears threatened to fall down my cheeks, "Your wrong, kuya."
-
I slowly opened my eyes when I felt the heat from the sun on my cheeks. Bumungad sakin ang gea sa kahoy na kisame. I turned my head to the side and saw an open window.
Napaupo ako when my right leg ached. "Fuck." I cursed when I saw blood seeping through the cloth that was wrapped on my leg.
Tinanggal ko ang tela at tinignan ang sugat. Pahaba at malalim. Halatang sariwa pa. It was still bleeding pero hindi tulad ng kagabi.
I bit my lower lip when I remembered what happened last night. If Antonio didn't come, the man would've violated me. Kung hindi dumating si Antonio, siguro pinaglalamayan na ako ngayon.
I felt so helpless last night. 'Di ako makapaniwala na hinayaan kong tadyak-tadyakan ako nung lalaki. Ang lakas pa ng loob kong sabihin na ililigtas ko si Antonio, but he ended up saving me instead.
My heart thumped when I remembered the look on his face when he found me. I felt my cheeks flush. Would it be wrong kung iba ang interpretation ko? I mean, kahit sino naman ganun ang magiging reaksyon kapag nakita nilang nasa panganib ang kakilala nila. Pero, ayos lang ba kung bibigyan ko ng ibang kahulugan- I shook my head. I shouldn't be thinking of things like this.
"I like you."
Pakiramdam ko lahat ng dugo sa katawan ko ay umakyat sa mukha.
I confessed last night! I confessed!
Oh c'mon, Kristin. Antonio can't understand english. So, you're safe.
I shook my head. I should think of other things right now. Like... Like how Karlos disappeared and didn't even bother to help me.
"I helped you!" Karlos said, appearing out of nowhere.
"You did."
"I warned you."
I rolled my eyes heavenward, "Why did you tell me to save all the people in the barrio when you told me not to interfere with history?"
"It's because I know you'll get hurt. I don't have any choice. I predicted it already. But you were stubborn, I couldn't stop you. Y-your determination. Your eyes.."
he shook his head, then he glared at me. "You should be grateful I helped."
"Why would I? I was on the brink of being violated! Antonio came to save me. Why would I be grateful to you?" I saw how his nose and cheeks turned red as if he was about to cry. He bit his lower lip.
"Ewan ko sayo! Panget na matanda!" Then he vanished.
Kung wala akong iniindang sakit sa katawanbay baka nahablot ko ang batang 'yun bago pa siya maglaho. Nasabunutan ko pa sana. Geez! He's making my blood boil.
But for a moment there, Karlos acted like a child. Kahit papano bumagay 'yung ugali niya sa katawan niya.
Halos mapatalon ako nang bumukas ang pinto. Iniluwal nito ang isang babaeng nakasuot ng baro't saya. Her skin was slightly tan and she's got a long silky black hair. Her cheeks were round, het lower lips were full. I think she's younger than me.
She walked towards me holding a basin of warm water.
"Gising ka na pala." she smiled. I noticed the color of her eyes. It was the same as Antonio's but hers was lighter. "Kumusta ang iyong pakiramdam?"
I smiled, "Ayos lang."
Wala akong mahanap na rason para maging rude sa kanya. There's something about her that makes you comfortable.
She put the basin on the table and dipped the cloth in it. "Ako nga pala si Corazon. Ako'y pinsan ni Kuya Antonio."
So, that's why. Nasa pamilya na ata nila Antonio ang pagiging mabait. Siguro pamilya sila ng mga anghel.
"Kristin." pagpapakilala ko.
"Alam ko. Usap-usapan ka sa baba." I threw her a confused look. "Kasintahan ka ni Kuya Antonio, hindi ba?"
"Ha? Naku. H-hindi-"
"Naku! Ang swerte sa iyo ni Kuya Antonio. Isang napakagandang dilag ang kanyang napa-ibig." I choked. What the hell is she saying?
"Hindi kami ni Antonio." I managed to say sa kabila ng bilis ng tibok ng puso ko.
"Iyon rin ang sagot niya. Ngunit nakakapagtaka dahil abot-langit ang kanyang pag-aalala sa iyo. Halos ayaw lumayo sa'yo kagabi nung dinala ka niya rito. Mangiyak-ngiyak pa siya habang sinisisi ang sarili." she laughed. "Naku! Natatawa talaga ako kapag naaalala ko ang kagabi."
Wow, I expect her to act lady-like but, the way she laughed, I remembeted Jane in her.
I felt my cheeks heat up. Halos magmukha na akong kamatis sa sobrang pamumula.
Antonio did that? Natural na ang pagiging maaalalahanin ni Antonio, it doesn't mean anything.
Pero mangiyak-ngiyak daw siya kagabi. Oh my God. W-well if someone you know was unconscious and wounded, of course, mangiyak-ngiyak ka talaga. I've read books in neuropsychology, kaya normal na 'yan.
But how do you explain the 'Halos ayaw na niyang lumayo sayo kagabi'? Crap.
Ayoko lang maglagay ng meaning lalo na't wala namang kasiguraduhang, 'yun, 'yun nga. I'll hurt myself If I jump to conclusion. Better safe than never, right?
Natigil ako sa iniisip when Corazon looked at me, "Huwag mo siyang papakawalan, maswerte ka sa kuya Antonio."
Naupo siya sa kama dala-dala ang palanggana. I winced nang idampi niya ang tela sa sugat, "Hala! Pasensya na. Pero tiisin mo muna, kailangang malinisan ang iyong sugat."
-
I decided to go out since hindi na masyadong mainit. I couldn't bear the silence in that room.
Binigyan ako ni Corazon ng isang saklay dahil nahihirapan pa akong maglakad. Pagkatapos niyang linisin ang sugat ko ay dinalhan niya rin ako ng makakain. Gusto pa ngant subuan ako pero tinanggihan ko. Binti lang naman ang may sugat hindi kamay.
Surprisingly, I wasn't irritated with her cheerfulness. It was actually funny. Kahit papano, gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.
I sighed. This wound bothers me. Sa pagbalik ko kaya sa hinahatap dala-dala ko pa ang sugat na 'to? It's pretty deep, I'm sure it'll leave a scar. Mom would scold me nonstop.
Then, it hit me.
"Babalik?"
Natigil ako sa paglalakad nang mapansin ko si Antonio. He was playing with two kids. He looked like he was having fun.
Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. My chest fells heavy, I'm having a hard time to breathe.
Just thinking about going back to the future, makes me sad. Eversince I got here, I've always looked forward to going back. Kahit na walang kasiguraduhan kung babalik pa ako, kahit na hindi ko alam kung may kailangan ba akong ma-achieve o kung kailangan ko bang hanapin ang daan pabalik sa hinaharap.
Yes, I want to go home. This place is giving me a hard time. I came from a modern civilazation, plus, I don't know much about the Philippine culture during the Spanish Regime. I experienced culture lag.
I stared at Antonio's smiling face.
But something's making me sad. I already realized my feelings for him. He made me see who I really am. He made me see the beauty of life after every storm. He made me feel things I haven't felt before.
Simula nung nangyari kay kuya, I shut myself from the world. I rarely interact with people. At the age of ten, I learned how to hate. I learned how to hold grudges. I learned how to treat people like dirt. I stayed in the dark corner of my comfort zone. I grew up into a cold person, building a wall around me that no one could break apart.
I guess I was scared to attach myself to people. I was scared to trust others thinking that they'll betray me. I grew up na si Kuya lang ang kaibigan ko, ang kasangga ko. After the kidnapping incident, he never talked to me. I focused on studying, I found myself idolizing other countries in their way of solving henious crimes. Then eventually, I started idolizing their culture. Sabihin na nating nagkaroon ako ng colonial mentality.
My parents became busy, and no one taught me about friendship, love, trust.
I grew up into the Kristin who wants to be alone. Who pushes people away when they lend their hands to help me.
But Antonio took me out of that dark comfort zone. He brought me into the light. He validated my existence in the world. Nakita ko kung paano siya mag-alala sa kaibagan. Kung paano siya magmahal sa pamilya. Kung paano siya makisama sa ibang tao, kakilala man niya o hindi. Nakita ko ang kagustuhan niyang maging malaya ang bansa.
At nakita ko kung paano siya magpatawad.
I finally found someone, another hero. That's why, I'm sad about leaving. About going back to the future.
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Nice speech, Kristin! XD
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