The next day, I went back to school and tried to act as normal as possible. It was weird not having Logan there with me. I missed him so much, but I couldn't admit that to him when he called me.
My friends were mainly my dad's friends' kids. I hung out with the Hoods and the Cliffords. They were all a few years younger than me, but I grew up with them. They were my closest friends, and they had been since I was little.
I didn't want to tell them about my pregnancy because there was the possibility they'd tell their parents, then their parents would tell my parents. I couldn't take the chance. I loved them all to death, but I couldn't say anything.
Being a senior in high school with sophomore and freshmen friends was a little weird. My closest friend in my class was a girl named Jaelyn, who I've known since year one. We were in year thirteen, seniors and almost out of the school. I couldn't believe how fast it had gone.
I'd told Jaelyn everything, ever since we had become friends. I felt as if I couldn't tell her about my pregnancy, though. I knew I had to because I could trust her. It was hard to talk about, but I knew I would be okay if I was talking to Jaelyn.
I walked up to my locker that morning and motioned to Jaelyn a few lockers down to come over to my locker.
"What's up?" She asked me, her books in her arms.
"I have something to tell you, but I can't say it here. Come to my house after school," I told her. She nodded and headed off to class. I walked behind her after I got my books from my locker.
During most of the school day, I couldn't focus on what was happening in front of me. I was constantly thinking of what would happen when my parents found out, how I would tell them, and things like that. Then, I began to think about how Logan would react. He was halfway across the world, and he was at his dream school. I knew I wouldn't be telling him anytime soon.
When I thought of what would have happened the night before if I'd told my parents about the tests, I thought about my mum almost forcing me to tell Logan. I knew she'd try to get me to tell him, but I could put it in writing and promise her that I wouldn't tell him for a while.
As I sat in each of my classes, I weighed the pros and cons of not telling Logan about the baby. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I came up with so many different reasons for each side: to tell him or to not tell him. There was a long list of pros and cons of not telling Logan.
Pro: he would be able to be at Harvard without feeling guilty. Con: he wouldn't know he had a child.
Pro: We wouldn't have to worry about trying to get them to see each other. Con: they wouldn't ever see each other.
Pro: he would be able to continue studying at Harvard, his dream school. Con: our child would grow up without a dad.
Pro: Logan wouldn't be giving up everything just for me and the baby like I thought about when my parents caught me sneaking back into the house. Con: It would be hard to keep from him.
Pro: I wouldn't have to go through the rough process of telling him that I was pregnant. Con: if he ever did find out, he'd be mad at me.
Pro: we wouldn't be together just for the baby. I knew we didn't want to break up in the first place and that we wanted to get back together, but if we got back together because of the baby, it would feel forced. Con: we wouldn't be a "happy family" like we'd always wanted.
Pro: he would be able to go on with life as normal. Con: I would have to live with the guilt of not telling my child about his or her father.
In the end, I had the same amount of pros as I did cons. To me, the pros seemed stronger. I really didn't want Logan to leave Harvard just for me and our child. Maybe someday I'd tell him about our child, but I knew I wasn't able to at that time. I knew it would be best to not tell him for a while.
When school was finally over that day, I drove myself and my brother, Noah, home. Jaelyn arrived at my house soon after Noah and I got home. She rushed into the house like it was her own and ran up the stairs as I stood at the top, quickly saying hello to Noah.
We walked into my bedroom and Jaelyn flopped onto my bed as I walked over to my drawers. I stood there, ready to pull out the pregnancy tests and show her.
"Tell me, tell me, tell me!" She exclaimed. "Something was off with you for the whole day, and I don't know what it was... I've tried to figure out, but I can't seem to think of anything that would make sense. I hope it's not anything bad. Please tell me it's not terrible news. I need good news from you, girl," she looked at me, concerned.
"I guess you could consider it good news. I've mainly been thinking of it as bad news, though, so we'll see what you think of it," I told her. As I reached my hand into one of my drawers to get both pregnancy tests, Jaelyn began to speak once more.
"What do you mean? You could say it's good news, but you think it's bad news? That doesn't really make much sense..." She looked at me quizzically. "Could you just please tell me what's going on? I'm dying to know, Lily. You know that!"
"I do know that, Jae. The thing is..." I paused as I turned around and held up the pregnancy tests. I then turned my voice to a whisper so Noah couldn't hear me speaking to my best friend. "I'm pregnant..."
"Pregnant?" Jaelyn asked, looking at me to confirm. "Are you sure?" She wondered, getting really worked up over it.
I nodded slowly, feeling tears beginning to form in my eyes. I couldn't let them spill just yet. However, when Jaelyn embraced me, I let them spill all over her shoulder and down her back. She rubbed my back slowly, tracing circles on my shirt while trying to stay strong herself. In that moment, I knew I had one of the best friends I could ask for.
I thought of the Cliffords and the Hoods as I cried. They meant just as much to me as Jaelyn did. A civil war happened inside of my body while I cried. I couldn't tell them, but they were such a big part of my life. I concluded, finally, that they'd know soon enough. I promised myself that when I began to show too much, I'd tell them and confirm it for them before I would tell anyone else.
I thought of how the Irwins would react, too. When would I tell them? How would they keep it from their own son, if I asked them to do so? I hoped they would be able to. I prayed they'd keep my secret for as long as I asked them to.
Soon, the dam closed and my eyes stopped emitting tears from them. I took a deep breath, let it out, and looked Jaelyn in the face. She smiled at me, typical of Jaelyn. She was always one to be happy in the saddest of situations.
We sat on my bed, talking for quite a long time. She asked me what my plans were and what I was thinking about all day at school. I explained to her everything I'd thought of and soon, I heard my mum had gotten home from work.
I walked down the stairs with Jaelyn on my heels. I greeted Mum at the door, asking her how her day was. We talked for a while until I suddenly stopped and said, "I hope it's okay with you that I invited Jaelyn over."
"Yeah, that's fine," she chuckled as we both continued to help her put away the groceries.
Jaelyn stayed until late that night. When we finished dinner, we both trotted up to my room and talked for a little longer. We talked a lot about the pregnancy, although being very quiet.
After talking about the negatives for a while, we began to talk about the positives. She asked me what names I liked, and we discussed names for a little while. I tried not to show it, but the whole time we were talking, I was extremely nervous. I still had no idea what I was going to do. I'd be a mother at eighteen. I had to get a job so I could provide for the child inside of me. It was a crazy concept to grasp.
"Lily, something is wrong," Jaelyn looked at me and raised an eyebrow, seeming a little nervous herself.
"What are you talking about? Am I bleeding?" I asked, quickly standing up and looking at my pants.
"No, Lily, not like that. Mentally. I know something is wrong, something you're thinking about," she told me. Why did I think I could keep something from her? We're best friends, and we have been for over a decade. I should have never doubted her knowledge of my body language.
"I know," I admitted. "I can't stop thinking about the negatives. There are so many. This could influence Noah. What about Oscar? You know, Logan's little brother? He will be affected by this too! This could make both of them think it's okay. And Avery too! Oh, Jae, I never should've had sex with Logan! We both knew he was leaving only a few weeks later. Now, I'm five weeks pregnant with his child—and I'm alone!" I ranted to her, on and on and on. She sat and listened the whole time, not interrupting me at all. At this moment, I was especially thankful to have such an amazing best friend.
"It'll all be okay, Lil. Focus on the positives: your parents can't get mad at you because the same thing happened to your mum. Plus, you'll bring a beautiful child into this world in less than nine months. And what about this: when you tell Logan, he'll be so excited to have a little family with you. Don't you think? I can just tell how much he loves you and how good of a dad he'll be. He will be an amazing dad, so don't wait very long to tell him. He'll want to know about this as soon as possible. Having a child with the girl he loves so much, studying at Harvard to become a pediatrician! All of his dreams are coming true!"
"At seventeen? I don't think this is what he wants at seventeen. Going to Harvard, yes, but having a child with me? No way. He does not want that right now," I explained to her.
"So you've talked to him about this?" She asked excitedly. This wasn't the best thing to get excited about, but she was over the initial shock of the situation, and she'd forgiven me for what Logan and I did. Now, she was getting excited about the news. I was still shocked, and I knew I would be for a long time.
"Um, no, I haven't. I can't talk to him about this. Like I said, he doesn't want this right now. He's too busy at Harvard, and I don't want him feeling guilty," I began to sob again, as quietly as I was talking to Jaelyn. I couldn't have my parents hearing any of this.
"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," Jaelyn murmured just loud enough so I could hear her. She didn't think I heard, so she continued on. "Your mum thought the same thing. Now, look at your family. Your parents ended up together after all. It'll be no different for you and Logan. You can choose whether you want to tell him now or in ten years. You'll regret telling him later rather than earlier."
"I don't think I will, Jaelyn. Listen to me. He's studying at Harvard to become a doctor right now. If he finds out that I'm pregnant now, he will want to come home to be with me. But he'll feel a little bit of hate towards me because he wants to go to Harvard so bad. We'll only be together because of the baby. Yes, we love each other, but we're broken up now, and he's not going to come back to me if I tell him I love him. He knows that. He'll come home from guilt if he's told that I'm having his child. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. You can't change my mind."
"But I can call Logan. You know that, right?" She asked as she dialed his number on her phone. She put it on speaker phone, and I heard it ringing. I tried to pry the phone out of her hands to end the call before he picked up. She pushed me away from the phone. "You have to talk to him, Lil."
I heard a voice from the phone. "Hey, Jaelyn, what's up?" Logan's voice. I cried at the sound of it.
~~~
Heyyy guys! Sorry I haven't been on much lately. So much has been going on in my life lately, and I just haven't had much time to get on here and upload. I promise I'll try to update every other day, but I'm sorry if it's not exactly every other day. I'll try for you guys! I hope you guys are liking this!!! Love you all:)
-Lizzie xx