UPDATE: The author has changed the cover since the review.
Word Count: 1768
Title: Darkness is Rising~~NEW TITLE~~ Misery Looms
Genre: Fanfiction (Fullmetal Alchemist, anime)
Blurb: Edward Elric has gotten himself tangled within the plans of a deranged murderer. After surviving an attack nothing is what it seems as the lines between reality and fantasy blur together. Edward is struggling to keep up with the changes as well as hide that something isn't right from everyone he loves, but for how long? And if they do find out, will they still think of Edward as a friend or will they cast him away?
This murderer case was unlike anything Roy Mustang had seen before, there were no clues, no suspects and everyone was running around in circles. Now with the murderer after Edward, Roy has to do everything in his power to keep Edward safe, but as time grows on everything starts to fall apart. Edward is no longer acting like himself. Can Roy make Edward talk or will Roy watch as the murderer destroys everything.
Status: Ongoing
~~~
Starting Points: 30
Cover: I really have no issue with this cover. It fits the genre, it's cute, and the font surprisingly works. However, the blood splat looks like a paint gun splotch and most importantly, there is no author name in sight. Not even a username. (-2)
Title: Something about this title doesn't work for me. Maybe this has to do with whatever this fanfiction is based off of so I'm out of the loop, or maybe it doesn't. Whatever the case, this title seems very...passive. This is ultimately because of the word "Rising", and it makes the title a lot less engaging than it could have been, and oh my god I'm analyzing a title. (-2)
Moving on!
Summary: I think the biggest thing this summary is suffering from is that, at first (at least to me), it seems like there are two different summaries for two different stories posing as one. Why does it seem like that you ask? Well, it's because the transition to the second paragraph/portion of the summary has no transition. Literally there is nothing given and it's almost debilitating. I had to read this three times to fully grasp what the summary was talking about because I was immediately thrown out of it after that. It also didn't help that I was dying to go to sleep, but I didn't because naps are for the weak!
*Cries* Help.
-Anyway, so this review has just been sitting in my drafts as a result. Oops. What is also annoying me of this review goes right back to what I already pointed out: there are two summaries for two stories acting as one. At the end of the first chapter, you provided a "hook" to close the paragraph. That's cute and all, but that' usually done to rap up a summary, not to go into another paragraph? That was so messy and ugly I literally stared at the screen for a while in distaste. The summary seems to be suffering from odd placement of particular sentences, structure, and all-around organization. (-10)
Plot: Although the summary can be a lot better, the plot seems to be there and it isn't all that bad.
Opening thoughts:
-Yay! The writer did something good and gave people who aren't familiar with where and what this fanfiction was inspired. Basically some background. I'm internally grateful. I would give points for that...but I don't do that! I just love saying that I would give points to you if that was in fact a thing because I'm such a tease. *Grins*
-Oh, and this show(?) or manga(?) sounds ridiculously interesting...I would actually go watch this if I didn't have a pile of other things I'm falling behind on (Supernatural, How to Get Away With Murder, Shameless, Outlander, Black Sails, DaVinci's Demons, Stitchers, Blindspot, Teen Wolf, The Blacklist, the list really never ends). Still, I'm intrigued and I actually may check it out (if senior year doesn't kill me of course)!
-For anyone who isn't familiar with this, here's a summary: Two brothers, Ray and Alphonse live with their ill mother, Trisha. They have an absent father they resent, and their mom eventually dies. While she was alive they got into Alchemy (I'm pretty sure it was the original/start to Chemistry, an it's know for elixirs and whatnot). They decide they want to revive their mom, and move to this place called the Central after multiple failed attempts at at trying to do so (they lose some limbs and shit). There, they can apparently undo their mistakes, and Edward goes on to pass this exam and becomes the "Fullmetal Alchemist". For some reason they have to go find the Philosopher's Stone after being under this colonel guy.
-That last part was as tacked on like the one the author provided. (-2)
-Anyway, so I'm on the first chapter and...it's good. However the opening line and really the entire opening paragraph sounds like a continuation of the summary. This may work for other people, and I'm not saying it doesn't, I just think it sounds too much like the summary. Almost as if this was another draft for the summary, but you liked the one you have now a little better, so you opted on making this the start to your book. This clearly doesn't work for me. (-3)
-Okay, so we're in the place called the Central. I'm assuming readers/or watchers of the inspiration of this work know what this is...but I don't. I just know the why the characters are there, but I don't know much of the actual place. Hopefully, it is elaborated on further somewhere in this ten minute long chapter. Yes, ten minutes.
-I don't really have anything else bad to say at the moment. This is well written, the pacing isn't sounding off alarms, and I'm intrigued by this Roy character.
*Squints*
-So, everyone in the Central is tense and is ridden with fear because of these series of murders, and I think you're doing a great job on putting across the situation, the feeling, and the impact/toll it's taking on Roy. Good job!
-Okay, so I've just noticed after three days of trying to not get distracted and complete this review!--the pacing seems to be all over the place. The chapter starts off with Roy trying to stop procrastinating (ha) and do his work while all of these events are happening around him. But then it doesn't take long for halfway through the chapter things get bogged down with how quickly things are spiraling done, poor transitions in tone, and it just becomes hard to digest. (2)
Characters:
-Roy. His characterization is pretty well done. He feels real, and the narration is sound. The narration of this character is so good that it feels like I'm reading a first person narration. It doesn't seem like I'm reading this through a lens (which is very easy to do in third person), but I'm actually in the character's head watching him struggle with doing his work. His emotions are incredibly real, and I may just climax. I love foreplay!
-Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. Worse name ever, but it isn't as bad as Edward Elric. *Shivers*
-Any who, from Roy's evident fear of this woman, I'm thinking she is probably a force of nature and she isn't one to mess with. We all know that this is my cup of tea, so I'll wait for her to make an appearance to go more in depth.
Dialogue:
-There isn't any. *Lone tear slides down my ashy face*
Inconsistencies (if any):
-It's unclear on what time period this is being taken place in. Whether this is the past, present or future still is unknown. Which kind of annoying. I'll make an educated guess and say that this is in a fictitious past because Alchemy is now considered an old pseudoscience, if I'm not mistaken. (-3)
-Excerpt: "Edward might be a 15-year-old kid, but even he has his limits and that was worrying."
*Looks left and right* ????
-What does that even mean? Shouldn't he have limits? He's only fifteen...Also, you're suppose to write a numbers that are less than three digits. (-2)
Writing Style:
-My favorite thing about this. This writing style is so engaging and real. It makes me want to be there (even though the circumstances are uh...not good) because of how well it depicts the setting, the tone, and the character's realism. It's really admirable.
Likes/Dislikes:
-I really do like your ability to captivate your readers alone with your writing style, and characters.
-The plot is pretty likable.
-The pacing is horrendous.
Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):
-Correction/suggestion: "Glancing sideways with a frown, the large desk beside him taunted him. There, on the top of its dusty surface, sat the most boring thing in the entire world: paperwork." (-2)
-Excerpt: "Running through the empty hallways, the everyday heavy feeling for stiff emotionless soldiers, that seems to always stick to the walls seemed to have dissipated, but in its place was a cold distant feeling."
*Static noise*
-Um. I can't be the only one who doesn't know what the fuck this sentence is trying to say. One of the worst sentences I've ever read, truly. (-2)
Where you need to improve:
-I'd suggest getting an editor because their are numerous comma problems, and odd wording here and there that needs some correction. Just not from me.
-Working on your pacing. It kind of ruined this chapter for me because of how quickly things went, but this is probably because I took three days staring at one chapter.
-Really, that's it. My rain is fried at the moment. Come back to me.
Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading at the three minutes left mark. You ran out of points and I ran out of brain cells. I can't take looking at this chapter any longer!
Gummy Bears or Dust: You get............................................................
*Drum rolls*
You get a half of a gummy bear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only you get one bitten gummy bear is really because how the pacing towards the middle of the chapter lost me. Maybe three days of this chapter did it. We'll never know.
However, this is a really well-written fanfiction, and i do think it's worth, at least, a proper check out. Good luck with the book bro!
*Crawls away to go study for mid-terms*