The day passes slowly, probably because I'm too desperate to end and I think the clock decides to prank me. The weather doesn't help though, since yesterday that the sky is grey due the sun being hide behind the clouds and sometimes it explains my bad humour. But I think, this time is not the case.
"Are you listening to me, Louis?" I look at my side and Liam is looking at me with a non-so friendly expression. Has he been talking since we got out from the library?!
"I think I'm not" I admit. My head has been full of thoughts and I need a good night of sleep. But I think that will never come. Maybe on Christmas break... I groan with the thought, I don't know if I'll last that much. "I'm sorry. Can you repeat it?" I tell him
"No, forget." He says but not rudely, he gives me a comprehensive look and I'm glad he doesn't look upset "You've been studying too much, hum?"
"Erm, kinda." Let just say he thinks I study the double I actually do. "So do you want to hang out today? It's Friday and I think you need to take some air outside the campus." he suggests and I'm about to say yes when I remember. Shit how am I forgetting it?!
"I actually can't today" I say
"Oh for god sakes Louis don't tell me you've got to study"
"No!" I laugh a little "I...hum, I actually have a date today." I smile at the ground but notice the surprised look he gives me
"You have? With who?" He asks in curiosity but when I look back at him he's smiling "Is it with Harry?" I drop my smile.
"What? No, why would it be with Harry?!" Why did he put that option?! And why did he say it as he wished he was right...?
"Oh... I don't know perhaps-" he sighs "Sorry, so it's with who then?"
"Hum, Bryan."
"BRYAN?!" Liam knows Bryan. He knows how I think about him and knows how I might feel but he never believed it, he doesn't think that I'm sure about my feelings. Never understood why.
"Yeah... What's the problem with that?"
"None. It's just..." he sighs again. "I'm happy then. For you." he gives me a smile while squeezing my shoulder.
"Thanks, bro."
"How... How did Harry react?" He asks after some seconds. But is this people crazy and obsessed with me and Harry?
"He doesn't know and doesn't even need to. What the hell Liam?!" I almost shout "Why all of this?"
"Louis, Niall told me-"
"Shut it. I'm sick of talking about him." With all of this we reach the hall from our dorms. "I need to get ready. We talk tomorrow." I say opening the door
"Okay, have fun Lou." He says and gives me a small smile after leaving.
Harry is still not here. Which is good because I seriously don't wanna see him today. Yesterday it was really... I don't even know how to explain. I felt like he was hurt with my words, but I can't really have sure of it since I never saw him hurt because of me.
I don't want you with him Louis. He said. He's not my boyfriend, he can't decide who I hang out with. Even if he was, he had no right as well. And why am I putting this guess?
I let myself fall on the bed, I've been a mess. I'm even ashamed of going out with Bryan looking like this. I have dark circles under my eyes and I can't even listen to a person talking to me. I'm going to be such a bad company tonight.
My thoughts are interrupted by my phone buzzing on my pocket.
Get ready in an hour, I can pick you up on your dorm. Is that okay? :)
-Bryan
Sure, in an hour then. :)
-Louis
I stand up - one more minute and I would probably be sleeping - and try to pick something up to wear. Which ends up with me changing to another shirt, my black denim jacket and my black converse so I don't look as different as I looked before. But I can't believe I actually took an hour to get ready - probably it was my hair then - so as soon as I think I look more presentable I hear the door.
"Hello!" Bryan gives me his usual charming smile. He looks so adorable in fluffy sweaters, makes me want to hug him and bury my face on his chest, I bet he smells good. I don't need to, I'm sure he smells. Just being next to him I can smell his perfume. It's really attractive to be honest. He still can't smell as good as... What was I going to say? I really need this time with Bryan.
"You don't seem excited." he says while we walk outside. His smile drops and it's heart-breaking.
"Oh I'm sorry. I am, really." I say and mean it "It just, is the end of the week so..." I bite my lip. I knew I was going to be a bad company, I just hope he doesn't regret inviting me.
"Okay then. Are you hungry?"
"Yes I am, actually"
"I made a reservation on a restaurant and then we can go to the cinema. How is it sounds for you?"
"Sounds perfect" I smile and we reach the restaurant really quickly and if I knew it was going to be this posh I would have come better dressed. I mean I'm wearing a brick-colour shirt and converse "You could have told me we were coming here so I wouldn't be wearing... this." I tell him while we sit on the table that the waiter indicates to us.
"Why? You look great, Louis. It's nothing special and I'm wearing a sweater not a shirt with a tie" he laughs
"Yeah but you look perfect anyway" I mumble, not expecting him to hear but he rests his hand on top of mine and gives me a sweet smile.
"You're so cute" I blush but... something is not right. I want to pull back this thought but when he said it, it's like I was just picturing Harry telling me it, as if the way he said is the one that makes me feel... special. Dammit Louis you don't like Harry why are you thinking this way? I'm sure I don't like him but it was probably this last month that made me feel this way.
"So," he starts and I'm actually thankful for it "had things gone well between you and Harry" or not. Shit I forgot that I let him alone on the coffee shop.
"Oh," how can I start this "hum, kinda... I'm sorry for that by the way. He made a scene and I should have texted you."
"It's fine, but I just got worried, he seemed mad and I don't know, did-did he hit you?" What?
"Hit me?" I ask confused, Harry never hit me. I hit him once but he actually got it in a joke, even with his nose bleeding. It was creepy. "No, he didn't. He wouldn't dare." I say honestly
"Good, then."
"Why do you took that conclusion?" I ask, really curious. Did Harry ever hit Bryan? I don't like him, he actually made sure to show me how he felt towards him.
"Because he's Harry." he laughs a little, but I don't really find it funny.
"Is he violent?" I ask hesitantly. He never seems to be. At least with me. This conversation is getting in a way I never expected to.
"We can say that..." I'm not gonna even ask if he already got in any fight with him because the answer is kinda obvious. But why? Why does Harry hate him so much?
"Well, not with me so..." and even with Niall, Zayn and Liam. Maybe he's just with people he doesn't like, maybe he is just with Bryan. He's not who you think he is, it's like I have his voice inside of my head telling me it.
"Weird" I frown. "Skipping, why are we talking about him anyway?" I try to laugh just to break the tension.
"You're right." He smirks "Let's talk about... us then." he says and I'm sure I blush again.
"Hum... okay then." I stammer and I feel the butterflies. Just what I needed.
"You know about this Halloween party? More like a masked ball?" masked ball? I didn't know it was like this
"Yes, Zayn talked about it. Are you going?"
"I don't know, it will depend..." He smirks, looking at me in the eyes. If it was another person I would feel uncomfortable, but to be honest, I am not.
"In what?" I ask noticing that he didn't continue
"If you come with me." I feel my heart beating fast again. Did he invite me as his pair?
When I start stammering, not knowing what and how to answer he chuckles. "Erm, I-I wasn't thinking about g-going..." I cough to hide the embarrassment
"Oh," he seems disappointed "I really wanted to go with you, you know?" he says and I blush.
"Why?" What am I saying "I mean, I-I..."
"Because I like you." He says still looking at me and I think it's the smile he is giving me that makes me feel the way I am feeling. Does he really like me? Well he wouldn't say it if he didn't feel it. He sure invited me to a date and to be his pair... Because he likes me. I can't believe that the guy I have a crush for almost a year likes me back.
"Oh." I try my best to hide my happiness so it doesn't seem so bad. "Well... I go with you then." I manage to look at him and meet his eyes which right now, due the light, are green and give him a smile. I want to tell him that I like him back, but something is stopping me. Stupid, I am stupid. It's like I don't have the courage to.
~*~
I knew it, the clock was playing me a prank. My time with Bryan passes quickly this time. The dinner goes pretty well and it is not awkward after his confession. We go to the cinema and watch a movie, not a romantic one because I'm not a fan of those.
Maybe he puts his arm around my shoulder and maybe we end up cuddling, with my head leaned against his. It is warm and I felt... good.
So it's almost midnight when we're walking to the campus, right in time because small drops of rain start to fall. Our hands are brushing, maybe by accident or maybe because we want to. I’m expecting him to hold my hand when he looks at me and then at our hands, but he just gives me a smile and we keep walking.
I look like a girl now. But I can be all grumpy sometimes but when it touches this subject I am kinda sappy. I'm actually happy right now and this day made me feel more alive.
"Thank you for everything. I had a lot of fun." I say honestly when we reach the hall from my dorm.
"Me too, it was great Louis" he smiles "Hum, do you want to eat breakfast with me, tomorrow?" he asks and I find cute the way he scratches the back of his head and tries not to look at me, shyly. I giggle due the fact of it.
"I would love to" I try to transmit assurance by my tone of voice and smile and then he meets my gaze and smiles back. And it actually reaches his eyes.
"Great. I'm going now then" he chuckles. I don't know how to tell him goodbye. Hug him? Simply telling him?
My doubts disappear when I see him leaning over. For a moment I think he is going to kiss me. I wouldn't mind but a part of me is telling me that no, we shouldn't. But then he kisses my cheek and when pulls back gives me his last smile. "Bye Louis." and walks away. Leaving me, trying to recover my breath, since I had to hold it, and an ache on my belly. But it's probably a good one.
I walk to my dorm, with a smile from ear to ear, but when I open the door to walk in, that smile fades away.
"Fucking tell me Liam!" Harry yells and I never heard him yelling like this. He's facing his back at me but I see that he's on the phone, for what it seems, with Liam. "I don't give a shit just-" he stops when hears me closing the door and turns around. I give him a weird look, from confusion and maybe even from shock by the way he was talking to Liam and then I see him turning off the phone and throwing it to his bed. "Where have you been Louis?" He asks and he's kinda furious. His tone is not as harsh and loud as it was with Liam but it's not also the usual tone he speaks to me.
"Out." I answer, gulping. Something is telling me that is better not telling him where I was. But... he has nothing to do with it, besides why is he acting like this?
"Where?" he insists and I don't dare to move from my position. He might just have ruined my night and I bet this is just the start.
"I don't have to tell you what I've been doing." I say, trying to raise my voice but without success.
"Tell me Louis!" however he raises his voice with no problem and I look at him widely.
"Don't yell at me." I say now more firmly
"Then tell me."
"I went on a date," I spit, clenching my fists to control myself, because to be honest I don't want to start a fight by how he looks like, it seems we can start one. "happy now?" I sight in frustration. He looks at me widely and I'm sure he's giving me a hurt look. I find the courage to move from the door and start walking to the desk, moving some papers from the place they are or just touching things that come in hands so I can avoid his look and once again to calm myself down.
But I'm taken by surprise when I hear a noise so I turn around to face Harry and I'm sure he just punched the wall "Fuck, Louis" He yells and when he looks at me he starts to walk towards me, so I try to give a step back but I feel the desk on my back. "You were with Bryan, weren't you?" I'm so shocked by his behaviour, he never talked to me like that, he never looked so mad like he is now and it's a surprise because he's always so... calm and peaceful.
Is he violent? We can say that... No, he's not, I'm sure he's not like that.
He stops not so far from me, the room is not really big but right now it looks like our classrooms. "Didn't I tell you not to talk to him again?" He didn't say specifically not to talk to him... But yeah it was kinda that.
"Did you expect me to follow your rules?" I laugh wryly by how stupid he's being.
"I told he's not who you think he is Louis." I roll my eyes "So you were going to hang out with him, on Saturday, weren't you?" I shrug, I don't have to reply to him. But he seems to know the answer "But then he said he couldn't go... Shit Louis, he's playing around with you"
"Shut up" I yell this time but he seems to ignore
"He said he couldn't go because he was at the party I went to." I shake my head I can't find an explanation for him saying these lies. Just that... he's jealous. But if he really is then it's not my fault and it's no excuse for saying these things. "He was with another dudes," What? No. Bryan wouldn't do that. He's lying, why is he lying
"What's wrong with you? Why are you saying these lies?" I speak now in a lower tone
He looks offended and then shakes his head "I'm not lying." yes you are "I saw him kissing another guy. You've to believe me" He was drunk that night and now he's making all this up.
"I don't have and I don't believe. Now stop" I want to run away from him, I'm tired.
"No Louis. He's going to hurt you. You don't know him-"
"Harry I said shut up!" I yell and start to walk towards the door. I can't stand his face now, I can't look at him. He's being so fucking stupid. I hate him, why is he saying this. I feel him grabbing my arm and then presses my back against the wall, stopping me. I notice how the veins from his neck are so visible but he doesn't grabs me tightly, he's almost gentle, although he's mad. "Let me go, Harry." I try to release myself but he doesn't allow me to.
His face is once again close to mine and I feel the same as I felt the other times. "No, Louis you-"
"Please Harry let me go." I let out a sob and look at the side, I know what he told me was a lie but I can't stop thinking about it. Bryan said he likes me, I can't believe in Harry. He's not like that.
"Louis..." He whispers and I feel his hand on my cheek, so I'm now looking at him. "I just don't want him to hurt you." he says softly. It actually hits me, the way he says it as if he... cared.
I quickly wake up to reality and slap his hand away from me "You're hurting me by saying these things." He steps away from me and his expression changes. Yesterday I said I wanted to see him hurt, but if I knew he would look like this I would never asked for it "He likes me, he's not going to hurt me and he's a kind person Harry."
"Do you-Do you like him?" He asks looking at me. I open my mouth to answer but the sound doesn't come out. I look away from him.
"Y-Yes." I stammer and say it almost like a whisper. Why is it so difficult to say?
In a blink of an eye he's close to me again, not allowing me to release myself from him by resting his hand on the wall next to my head. "Look me in the eyes and say it." Now I notice how tall he's compared to me by how curved he has to be, so his green eyes are fixed on my blue ones. It makes this harder. I can't say it. What if he feels something for me? Am I going to hurt him? But he should believe when I said for the first time. It's not like it seemed to be a lie. He has no right to make me this.
I make my best to pull his hand away from the wall and pushing him away from me so I can walk away. I open the door and run away from there. "Louis, don't." I hear him, but of course I ignore and keep running. He doesn't follow me, at least I don't see him when I look back. I'm glad then because I need a time alone.
So as soon as I reach outside I feel the drops from the rain hitting me. I pass the gate and walk on the path. At first the rain is kinda comforting but not until I feel soaked and all my fight with Harry is playing on my mind. The things he said, the lies he told me about Bryan, the way he looked at me... and now I ask why all of this? He's so bipolar and makes me feel so confused. It's frustrating. I just need a hug right now. I feel so tired and now I'm freezing.
I was feeling so much better but Harry had to ruin it. I hate him.
I hate how he makes me feel.
What do I mean by this, then?
"Louis!" I hear and the voice is too familiar and I think that's why I stop and look back.