UPDATE: The author has changed the cover since the review.
Word Count: 1754
Title: Broken Glass
Genre: LGBT+ General Fiction
Blurb: Three friends are about to start a promising life together, but one night's mistake will lead to a disaster worse than any of them ever imagined.
~~NEW SUMMARY~~
Sometimes one bad decision can destroy lives. Gentle Alexander, his serious boyfriend Isaiah and their closest friend Eden are in for much more than they expected once their lives connect. Eden's invaluable cleaning skills, combined with the boys' stable relationship, feels like the life they always dreamed of having, until it becomes apparent that a certain one's love is far from platonic. Within the ensuing chaos, none of the three will know until it's too late that one night's mistake and the word of a frightened accomplice will shatter their peace forever. Contains some mildly sexual content.
Status: Completed
~~~
Starting Points: 30
Cover: Yikes. It is horrible. The author's name isn't even on the cover. How do you forget to do that.....(-10)
Title: Okay. It matches the cover: It's there. That's it. It isn't bad though. The cover is just so bad that I feel...unexcited.
Summary: Well, now I have a bad taste in my mouth.
-This is horrendous. To be specific, the first sentence is so ugly I just broke out in hives. "Gentle Alexander, his serious boyfriend Isaiah and their closest friend Eden are in for much more than they expected once their lives connect."
*Stares at the screen in disgust*
-Man, if you don't go to the Improve Your Writing Thread and find someone to write you a good summary...
-Okay! I'll try not to be so mean this time. The summary isn't good, and it needs to be rewritten pronto. Whenever you get the chance...kill this summary with fir--Hey! *Slightly-Less Mean me shuts Brutally Mean me's mouth* You shut up! Stop being an asshole, this person has feelings. Hey there...never mind what the other one just said, just delete this summary and start from scratch because it...isn't good. *Pats your back*
-I'm going to have to take this friend. (-5)
Plot: This is going to be a love triangle. (There maybe some cray dram, dunno) Move along.
Opening thoughts:
-The opening line isn't horrible, but it isn't great either. It's incredibly underwhelming. Actually, it needs some touching up. Correction: At seven in the morning, Edin had left her home[.] [T]he first thing she felt was relief. (-2)
-Anyway, I'm reading, and I'm reading, and I come to a revelation: the writing isn't terrible. In fact, it's actually quite good. This writer, contrary to what I was thinking before, isn't bad at writing. They just can't write summaries. What a shame. The problem I'm now realizing is that this story is a bit...boring. Maybe it is because the introduction was so drab, including the summary, that it sucked all of my anticipation. So now? Now I feel like a hollow shell. Or maybe it's because I just watched Brokeback Mountain...again. We may never know.
-Lord. I don't think I can do this. The boredom is actually eating me alive, not to mention my eyelids want to fall into my asshole!
-*Takes a two hour break*
-Okay, I'm back. I've eaten some shit, I scrolled through Twitter, and I even closed my eyes for a good twenty minutes. It could have been five for all I know! In other words, I've wasted a great amount of time. But, now that my head is clear, I can give you a fair review.
-So, again, this book isn't horribly written or anything. This is just a terribly uninteresting start for a writer who clearly can write. Do they have the ability to keep a reader's attention though? Debatable.
Characters:
*Me two hours before*
-These characters are soulless, and now I am. I'm too bored to even digest one bit of characterization.
*Me with a clear, and fully awake mind*
-Eden. At the moment she is coming off as a naive girl, who may or may not be an orphan. The narrator doesn't outright say it, but it seems a pretty safe to say she is moving out her foster home because she is of legal age. This girl seems to be moving to a new place in her life, and that''s nice! From what I have gathered, she's a bit too nice for her own good (probably), and would do anything for friends and possibly for human appreciation. I'm really hoping there is a reason for why she is like this, rather than making her the cliche "weak female character." But, I feel like it does serve a purpose.
-Isiah and Alex. If anyone is wondering why I put these two characters together it is because they do not feel like the other would exist if the other didn't. In my eyes, they are codependent characters. Co-dependent characters that I'm not sure I like. Why you ask? Well, there is something about them that says they're a bit manipulative. Not as in their characters don't seem real enough or anything, no, it's their personalities that make me feel leery towards them. Aside from that these two are together, in love, and Eden is playing third wheel. Maybe it's too soon to say that, but that's what I'm sticking with.
Dialogue:
-The first string of dialogue doesn't seem to fit these characters. It is a bit too formal as well. I'm really tiring to will the sleep out of my eyes, but this is not helping your case at all right now.
*Two hours later me*
-So, turns out I was wrong. The dialogue, to me at least, somehow feels very natural and believable. Not as believable as I would want it to be, but to to an extent to where I don't feel like I'm reading story, but just watching three friends talk about plans on moving in with each other. The problem with this is that it isn't interesting. At least not for an opening chapter.
Inconsistencies (if any):
-How and why this is the first chapter to a book is beyond me really.
Writing Style: There is something truly diabolical going on here. At first I wasn't sure, but now I am. I think.
-I think the reason why I'm not enjoying myself is because everything seems to be written in passive voice, and I'm reading everything in a monotone. There is not one thing on this page that exudes emotion, life, or anything that doesn't resemble a grey wall. Everything is being written in such a standard, safe way it is making everything so unreadable. This is a serious problem that needs to be dealt with. (-5)
*Two hours later me*
-This still stands true, but the writing itself isn't horrendous at all. Not in the slightest actually. The style, or maybe it is the tone of this chapter, is what's bothering me.
Likes/Dislikes:
-Edward Norton from Fight Club seems to be narrating this story, and I'm really wishing he shoots himself in the cheek already. (-3)
-This is the most uneventful chapter ever. This feels like an ordinary look into someone's life. Depending on the person this can be horrible or great. I'm in the middle. (-2)
-The naturalness of everything is a bit nice, but the overall this feels so ordinary and familiar it is off putting (as in real life). This is a like and dislike for me.
Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):
Excerpt: The eighteen-year old carried nothing with her, casting a hopeful glance at an empty suitcase before shutting the door.
*Stares*
-I really don't understand what I just read. It's almost like a complete chunk of that sentence was never written or was accidentally deleted.
-There are a quite a few punctuation and capitalization errors, but I'm deciding on pretending they aren't their. Authordude will simply take care of it when they edit this chapter. I hope.(-3)
Where you need to improve:
-My favorite portion to the review!
-I think you should be more careful on what and how you want to introduce readers into your book's characters and world. The first chapter is a pretty important part to a book because it determines whether a reader will continue, say they'll finish it and then forget about its existence, or drop your book into a flaming pit of lava.
-Establishing tones for each chapter, and how you want that tone to carry the words across the screen in a riveting way that will keep the readers interest.
-Practice on establishing a voice. Without a voice, your work will become a string of monotonic words clunked together that hold no emotional appeal or impact. Making your readers feel anything is an achievement. Boredom is not one you want to achieve bro.
Why/When I stopped reading: You ran out of points at the end of chapter one.
Gummy Bears or Dust: You get...........................................
*Drum rolls*
You get a pile of cake flour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, this was a pretty hard one to put my finger on. There has been one or two books before this one that I contemplated on give them flour but ended up giving them both dust in the end. (Update: One other person got this as well.)This is pretty rare to get...because it isn't part of the original system. The only reason I didn't give you dust is because that would just be untruthful on my part. So, this basically means that I think underneath all of this clutter there is a gripping story and maybe it's just being hidden by a bad first chapter? I don't know.
I truly do feel this book probably ends up going in a great direction, but this start was just far too weak for me, and jut plain boring. The realism to the situation, and most importantly the dialogue only worsened it. Obviously, realism in dialogue and a situation is something writers should strive for, but in this case it veers off to the place where I'm reading an uninteresting written version of my neighbor's life. This may also be down to the execution on why this didn't work for me. It may just be my own personal preference, but I simply couldn't get into it.
However, I do wish you the best with your book and that you found this helpful in some way! :)