Chapter 8: Confession
I felt so pathetic as I walked from the "scene area" towards the dormitory. And for goodness' sake, that was a bit far kaya kailangan ko pang ipakita sa buong Bridle how pathetic I am in my coffee-soaked hair and uniform. Not to mention that my scalp is sore after Honey gave me a "hair treatment". Curse them all! Curse them to the darkest pit of hell! But of course that pain doesn't even half the pain inside of me. It's like everyone has deserted me. I mean, alam kong hindi ako ang tipo ng tao na maraming kaibigan but this status I have now is just so pathetic. Wala na nga akong kaibigan, wala pang may gusto sa akin. Isn't that great? It all started because of a friggin apology that they want me to give away. Hindi naman talaga mahirap mag-sorry but when people blame you for something that you know you didn't mean, how could they rudely demand you to apologize?! If they want me to apologize, they also have to apologize for being rude to me! And that's what we call something that they meant to do. Hindi ko sinasadyang tamaan si Math pero sinadya nilang maging rude sa akin. Does anyone see my point here?
Panay pa rin ang tingin ng mga estudyante sa akin, may nagpipilit na itago ang tawa, may naawa. Tss, they forgot I have good sense of sight kaya nakikita ko ang mga pang-iinsulto nila sa akin. And I am tired so I am not buying those craps.
Tanaw ko na ang gate ng dorm but I don't feel like entering it. For the first time I felt so out of place in Bride. Ang skwelahan na kinamulatan ko sa nagdaang mga taon. I took a deep breath and decided to turn back to my heels and walked towards the gate instead at agad na pumara ng taxi upang magpahatid sa lugar na sa tingin ko ay siyang makakaintindi sa akin sa panahong ito.
I found myself standing on this familiar door again. The door that I have knocked few times and entered with a devil inside. Kung dati ay isa ito sa lugar na kinatatakutan ko, it has become the place that I loved the most. No, it isn't because it is grandiose but because I felt like this is the place where people who can understand me live. Not really understand but atleast wouldn't do what those fools did to me at school. Ilang beses akong bumuntng-hininga bago itinaas ang kamao ko upang kumatok.
"Nasasanay ka na yatang pumasok sa silid ko."
I almost jumped in surprise nang marinig ko ang boses ni Ryu sa likuran ko. What the hell?! Kailan pa ako naging magugulatin tulad nito? Ah, maybe the coffee entered through my sored scalp kaya nagiging nerbiyosa na ako.
"Wag ka ngang manggugulat!"
"I did not. Ikaw lang naman ang nagulat diyan. What are you doing here by the way? Do not enter my room if you're not gonna fuck with me", he said without filtering his words. Ah! Ano pa nga bang aasahan ko sa isang devil na katulad ni Ryu?
"I thought you're not doing it in the bedroom", sagot ko sa kanya. I don't have to be demure and act like I will die hearing the F-word.
"So you remember? Why? Where do you want to do it? In the garage?", he said with a smirk. Nangangati ang kamao ko na dumapo sa mukha niya but I have to remind myself that he is the only person on my side as of this moment.
"No thanks. I'm not some kind of car's spare parts."
"How about in the kitchen?" Shit, why does he look so hot in his flirting? But his jerky words are not working on me. I'll be glad to call a harlot for him.
"Look Ryu, I know you're a jerk but will you please stop your jerky thoughts? I did not come here to - to-", bakit ang hirap sabihin ng salitang iyon sa harap niya?
"Sayang. I'm up for it ngayon", he said while smirking. Hindi ko alam kung manyak siya o sadyang pinaglalaruan niya lang ako. I decided to ignore his words at sinabi sa kanya ang pakay ko.
"I'm here to hear your response about my little request."
Okay, that request isn't really little but for him, he can do it with just a blink of an eye. Madali lang iyon sa kanya if he isn't bound with all the mafia principles. Tss. Tuluyan kong binuksan ang pinto ng kanyang kwarto at walang sabi-sabing pumasok doon. I can hear his groan of disapproval but chose to ignore it. Dumeretso ako sa kama at naupo doon while looking at him. "So? Nakalimutan mo bang kontakin ako o sadyang hindi mo ginawa?"
"Hey little witch, do you know where you are right now?", he said in a sexy tone. Tsk, it's not working Devil, trust me.
"Yup. In your room. Specifically in your bed", sagot ko sa kanya. I did not give him the equal sexy tone, God! I don't even know if I am capable of producing such tone.
"And what do you think a girl and a boy must do inside a room?"
"Mag-usap."
"Yeah but after they did it."
He was looking straight at me with his pervert looks ngunit agad iyong napalis nang makita niya ang coffee stain sa damit ko. The most stained part is on my shoulders. His gaze went up on my hair at mas lalong napangiwi ng mapansing nanglalagkit ang buhok ko. Yeah, the miracles of the iced coffee. Duh.
"Wala na ba kayong water supply sa Bridle kaya naligo ka sa kape?", he asked at bahagyang lumapit sa akin. He smelled the top of my hair. "It is really coffee. You went all the way here in such mess?"
I slowly nodded my head.
"What a pig", he commented. Binuksan niya ulit ang kanyang closet at kumuha ng t-shirt doon at inihagis sa mukha ko. Geez, why does he loves to throw it right on my face? Pwede naman niyang maayos na iabot iyon sa akin!
"Change."
"Hindi ako nagpunta dito upang manghiram ulit ng damit mo-"
"Alam ko. I just want you to change into clean clothes. Could you be atleast hygienic with me around? Ayaw ko sa mga madudumi."
"Look Ryu-"
He stepped forward towards me with the annoying smirk on his face. "You want me to undress you?"
That's it. I know he is a jerk at malamang hindi ito magdadalawang isip na gawin ang sinabi niya. He is always the dirty devil who used to threaten me with death. Nag-improve na siya ngayon, hindi na tungkol sa kamatayan ang pinagsasabi niya sa akin kundi puro kalaswaan. The hell.
Hindi na ako nagdalawang isip na tumayo sa kama at dumeretso sa banyo. I cleaned myself and removed the coffee stain on my hair. Nang lumabas ako ng banyo ay suot ko na ang kanyang itim na T-shirt na halos pumantay na sa palda ko. Yeah, this devil is tall.
"Now what do you come here for?"
"I already told you about my request."
"I'm sorry but I cannot-"
I ran towards the bed at dumeretso sa unan. I lift the pillow and found the little cold thing there that I knew he kept there from the last time.
"Amber put it down."
I smiled evilly. "Wow, this thing's amazing."
"Amber."
Hinawakan ko iyon ng maayos at itinutok sa kanya nang nagtangka siyang lumapit sa akin. Saglit siyang nagulat but then continue to step forward towards me.
"Ibaba mo nga iyan-"
I lift something from the gun just like what he did last time and that stopped him at nawalan ng kulay ang mukha. Oh devil, I am a visual learner. "Devil, I know I will lift this before it will be used."
"Amber, you know that thing is dangerous", wika niya sa seryosong tono.
"Really? I thought it depends upon the holder."
He sighed at napailing. "You might actually pull the trigger."
"Wow, then it may be my first shot", I said in amusement as I tried to tease him.
"Fine. Let's deal. Tell me what you want."
Yes! I won.
Ibinaba ko ang hawak kong baril at humarap sa kanya. "Teach me to fire this."
Napailing siya at bahagyang humakbang palapit sa akin. "Look-"
I raised the gun towards him again. "Or maybe I can do it freestyle. How about that?"
"Arrrgh! You're really something!", he said in surrender.Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin at hindi ko iyon pinansin. "Follow me then." Lumabas siya ng kwarto at agad naman akong sumunod sa kanya. Great, I just made the devil follow my command.
Dinala ako ni Ryu sa isang silid. I thought it was a room with a bed but it wasn't, sa halip ay mukha iyong mini-shooting range. It got me thinking that I am not the only young girl who got to fire a gun. I used to fear it but now, I think these things are cool. Pagpasok namin doon ay may binuksan siyang drawer at naglabas ng protective gears. He tossed those to me and instructed to wear those things. Sunod niyang inabot ay ang handgun after he gets the gun that I got from his room.
"Maybe next time I will warn the guards not to let you in", wika niya sa akin and I let out a hearty chuckle. "Let's start with the basic first. Think of guns as loaded even if they're not. At huwag mong kalimutan na ituon iyan sa tamang direksyon. Point it on unsafe direction and you'll be sorry. Do not keep your finger on the trigger-"
Sinadya kong humikab. "Pwede bang diretso na lang tayo sa pagpapaputok."
He groaned in protest pero agad ding lumapit sa akin. "Grip the gun using your dominant hand."
I did as what I was told at hinawakan ng maigi ang handgun gamit ang aking kanang kamay.
"First timers should do a two-handed grip", he added. "Gamitin mo ang iyong kaliwang kamay upang suportahan ang iyong kanan. Just make sure that you four fingers are placed below the trigger."
I focused on my grip and do exactly what he said. I hardly believe that I am holding this thing right now. It is something that I cannot stand before. It is something that freezes me.
"Can I fire it now?", I asked and he gave me a smirk.
"Nagmamadali ka ba?", he said in a rude tone. I rolled my eyes at him. My teacher isn't that patience when it comes to questions. Maybe I will try to keep my mouth sealed.
"In aiming. Use your dominant eye too."
"Pretty basic. Oh no, it's common sense", wika ko. He threw me a deadly glare kaya nagkunwari akong izinipper ang bibig.
"Alam mo bang nangangati na ang kamay ko na ipulupot sa leeg mo? I would love to wring your pretty little neck. Then let's go straight into pulling the trigger. Press the trigger straight to the rear."
I did as I was told at tiningnan ng mabuti ang target. When he signalled to press, agad kong sinunod ang sinabi niya and fired few times. Sa bawat putok ay bahagya akong napapakislot, thanks to these protective gear that covers my ears. When the handgun was now emptied with bullet ay saka lang ako tumigil. He carefully checked my shot and gave me a disappointed look.
"I thought you're good in archery. Ni hindi mo nga natamaan ng maayos ang target."
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "Each shot surprises me kaya hindi ako nakakatama ng maayos. Unlike archery, this thing produces sound that surprises me, idiot."
Kinuha niya ang handgun mula sa kamay ko at iniabot ang isa pa. "Do it again."
Umayos ako ng tayo at tiningnan ang mga target na nasa harap. I tried to focus on it but I felt like my hands are trembling. Naramdaman ko na lamang ang mainit na hininga ni Ryu mula sa likod ng leeg ko. His hands guided my hands and the warmth of his palm spread on mine. I can feel his body behind me. Itinaas niya ang kamay kong nakatutok sa target. "Lift it a little bit."
Napalunok ako ng ilang beses at sinubukang magfocus ulit sa harap. Geez, this devil is distracting me! He moved away from me at nakapameywang na tiningnan ako mula sa gilid. That was better. Having him right behind me with his arms almost wrapped around me makes me feel uncomfortable. I tried to calm myself at iwinaksi sa isip ko ang kakaibang sensasyon na dulot ng mainit na palad ni Ryu. I bit my lower lip and pulled the trigger. I flinched a little but was able to control it. When I checked the target, I hit the critical spot on the chest.
"For a first timer, that's quite good", wika niya.
Quite good?! I hit the heart, you idiot.
He withdraws the handgun from my hand at ibinalik iyon sa drawer na pinagkunan niya kanina. "What are you doing?"
"Keeping the gun. Class is over", wika niya at naunang maglakad. He opened the door and motioned his head as if he is telling me to get out. Ganoon lang?! I rolled my eyes at tinanggal ang mga protective gears bago nakasmirk na tinungo ang pinto.
Though the class ended so abruptly, I found myself happy for the lessons. Alam niyo ba kung ano ang nasa isip ko? I am imagining the people I wanna shot after I learn enough. Detective Tross and anyone from the Genesis. Ah, should I include Bridle students? Honey will be first on the list. Who else? Math. I shook my head to remove my murderous thoughts. Bumaba ako ng taxi nang inihinto na iyon ng driver sa harap ng Bridle. It's past eight in the evening at tahimik na ang school grounds. Students are probably in their dorms right now, studying their lessons. Some could have been in the cafeteria for their dinner. Tahimik na tinahak ko ang daan papunta sa east wing ng Bridle kung nasaan ang dorm ng mga babae.
When I reached on the gate, I stopped when I saw a familiar built of a person sitting on the bench beside the dormitory's gate. He seems like he is waiting for someone. He felt my presence at nag-angat ng tingin sa akin. When our eyes met, the pain that was overshadowed with excitement arose. He gave me a look that can tell a thousand of sad stories by just looking on those eyes.
Tumayo siya at sinalubong ako. He gave me a sad smile and that smile disappeared when he saw the big shirt I am wearing. Saglit lamang iyon at muli siyang tumingin sa akin nang diretso.
"Gray", wika ko sa kanya. I tried all my best to make my voice sounds like there is no emotion in it kahit ang totoo ay gusto kong umiyak at magsumbong. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na masama ang trato ng mga kaklase namin sa akin. That Honey threw me a piece of crumpled paper and accused me of so many things which triggerred me to punch her face. Gusto kong magsumbong sa kanya na sinabunutan ako, sinampal and everyone was pulling me, thus making the situation worst.
But when it occurred to me that he chose Math instead ay nabuhay ang galit ko. He even made me look pathetic when he challenges me to pour the coffee on myself. Yes, kasalanan ko kung bakit ko sinabi iyon but does he really has to dare me to do so? At sa harap pa ng maraming tao? Alam niyo ba yung pakiramdam na parang pinagkakaisahan ka ng lahat?
"Amber..."
Just like his eyes, his voice seems to tell a sad story too. It's like a very sound melody to my ears. Please Amber, do not give in. Nagtatalo ang kalooban ko habang inaalala ang mga nagyari kanina. PE class. Math, becoming unconscious. The catfight. Detention and most of all, iced coffee. Why am I even involved into something like it? Uh, sometimes it is only after you leave a situation that you realize you shouldn't have been in it to begin with. But the damaged has been done.
"Naliligaw ka yata. The other side is the boys' dormitory", wika ko sa kanya.
"I know. I came here to see you. Bakit Amber?"
Geez, asking why for what?
"You changed. A lot", wika niya sa boses na puno ng hinanakit.
"You think I've changed but the truth is that you really don't know the real me", I said and tried all my best not to let my voice crack and was successful in doing so. "Nag-iiba ang tao kapag nasasaktan Gray."
"You're not the only one in the world whose been hurt Amber. Kung nagbago ka, bakit kailangan pa na sa ganoong paraan?"
"Your point is?"
Kapag pinilit pa rin niya akong mag-apologize kay Math, I swear I will punch him in the face. Nakakarinding pakinggan ang issue tungkol doon. Math and the so-called "Owed Apology" from me to her.
"Sinasaktan mo kaming mga nasa paligid mo", wika niya. I wanna give him a mocking laugh but my voice would not participate.
"How ironic. It comes from you who also hurt these people around you", wika ko. He shot a confused look at me. "Why do you kiss me several times Gray? Why? Do you see me as a low class bitch-"
"Shut up Amber. Stop calling yourself names. Ikaw lamang ang nag-iisip ng ganyan", ang malungkot na reaksyon sa mukha niya ay napalitan ng galit. I have seen him in such angry look several times and those several times include this time. He really looks angry.
"Totoo naman ah! Hindi kita maintindihan! You sometimes act like you own me. Nangyayakap ka, nanghahalik but ano ba tayo Gray? Classmate? Seatmate? I wonder if you also do the same thing with our other seatmates!"
My voice cracked pero walang lumalabas na luha sa mga mata ko. My tear ducts decided to cooperate when I declared that I am done with crying. "Ano to, trip-trip lang?"
"Amber-"
"Ano ba talaga ako sa iyo Gray?"
He sighed and looks at me helplessly. He still has the angry expression at parang ano mang segundo ay sasabog na siya. "I think of you 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Ayokong may kinakausap kang iba, not even Jeremy. I'm worried as hell kapag hindi kita nakikita dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang nagyayari sayo at wala ako upang iligtas ka. I don't mind taking risks just for you kahit pa ako ang mapahamak. You know what Amber? Para kang kumunoy. The more I am standing near you, nasa panganib ako. And now that I'm in you, I fall deeper and deeper each time. Now tell me, trip-trip lang ba iyon?"
For a moment I was stunned and cannot find my words. Ilang beses na bang muntik na napahamak si Gray dahil sa akin? How many times has he saved my life and risks his in the process? But then he did not tell it to me straight. "E-ewan."
He nodded his head as he tries to grasp the situation. "Ilang beses ko na bang nasabi sa iyon na gusto kita? That I am falling? Ang problema sa iyo, masyado kang dense. Ang bobo-bobo mo, kahit na hindi ko pa sabihin sa iyo, you should have felt it! It's better to be showing it than by just being verbal. Not because people tell you they like you, they really do. Tingnan mo sa gawa. Hindi mo pa nga nasabi kahit isang beses na gusto mo ako. You should have boosted my ego. Atleast be fair to me. Nung sinabi kong gusto kita, you also should have told me how you feel kahit pa hindi mo pa ako gusto. Tatanggapin ko iyon."
Hearing those from him flustered me. I thought I'll be softened from those words. Oo inaamin ko na gusto ko rin si Gray. But emotional involvements are antagonistic to the revengeful mind. If he knows about my plan of retribution, alam kung hindi siya papayag doon.
"Now tell me Amber, do you like me o trip-trip mo din ako?" Funny how he was able to throw the question that I threw at him a while ago. My heart says yes but my mind is telling me to say no. and to think rationally, mind should prevail over the heart.
"N-no. I don't l-like you Gray. No-not even a little. I-I'm s-sorry."
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-Shinichilaaaabs