Stoppity Stop stop! If you have not read part 1 go back and read or you'll be confused.
So this is part 2 and there may be more tears to come so grab your tissues! Just a warning ;)
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Tell me what you think and the next part should be out either tonight or tomorrow.
One and a half months later
School was starting again. Only this time it was the last first day of high school I would ever have. Last year I thought that walking into my senior year would be different and it was, just not the way I thought it would be. This year instead of having Les drive me in his truck, I was the one parking in his usual parking space and walking alone into the building.
People were staring at me with pitiful faces as I walked to homeroom. I tried my best to ignore them as they whispered things like, “I feel bad for her. She lost her best friend. I always thought they would end up together” Or “I wonder how she is dealing with it, I heard that she turned to drugs and alcohol this summer and spent most of her time with college guys.”
When I heard people referring to Les and me, it left an emptiness in me. I had a feeling that if Les was never sick then we would have ended up together but things don’t work out the way you expect or want. The last rumor wasn’t true though. During the summer to get my mind off of everything, Les and Nate included, I had immersed myself in work. Not only did I start working for Bethany in photography, but I did a lot to help with the wedding.
Nicole, Gary and Brad had been spending a lot of time with me too in order to get me through the pain I was feeling. We would go out on the weekends or just stay in and watch movies but they were always there when I needed them. Actually, for most of the summer I was always around someone or doing something. If my friends couldn’t hang out then Renee would force me to go out with her and Holden, whether it was to hang out with their college friends or to go out to eat, I was never alone. Maybe that’s how the rumor of me dating college guys started? Anyway, I guess it was a good thing, keeping busy kept my mind off of Les and Nate.
Nate would have been there too but after the funeral I told him that I didn’t want to see him. I still had feelings for him but they were conflicting with my grievances. As much as I would like Nate to hold and comfort me whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, it didn’t change the fact that we had broken up not too long ago. With everything going on, I couldn’t deal with my feelings towards him so I figured the best way to avoid that was to avoid him.
Entering the classroom, I was immediately met with twenty pairs of eyes that weren’t being very coy with the way there were staring at me. As I walked by the teacher, she even gave me a sympathetic smile. Forcing a small hello and a smile I found a seat near the back and slumped in it trying to hide my watery eyes by keeping my head down.
By the time we got our schedules and the teacher passed out all the notices we needed about senior year, about ten people had already come up to me and asked me how I was doing. Each time I would reply with a tiny shrug and told them I was doing fine. They would just nod back with pity in their eyes obviously not believing me.
When the bell rang to signal first period, I quickly left the room before anyone could talk to me. I planned on going to my locker to drop off all the notices and then find Nicole to see if we had any classes together.
Not surprisingly, the whispers didn’t stop as I made my way to my locker. I was starting to feel like I was suffocating and that the walls were closing in on me. Didn’t they know that I could hear them? Didn’t they care about my feelings and that them talking about me was not helping me?
Finally, I got to my locker and quickly started to turn the lock but after the first failed attempt something hit me. Les was always the one to open my locker because I could never do it. I felt my world crashing as I realized that he would never be there to open it for me again. That’s when I broke down into sobs. Banging the locker with my fist, I slid down to the floor, burying my head into my hands as I cried.
Who was going to open it for me now?
The whispers were getting louder but I no longer cared what people thought. The fact that they just stood there while I was having a break down disgusted me.
“Oh my God, Ruth. Are you okay?” A voice asked crouching down to the floor and putting a hand on my arm.
I looked up to see Brad looking seriously concerned that something was wrong. He had been solemn lately, completely unlike himself. While he tried to stay his perverted player-self, he was affected from his friend’s death too and often I would catch him staring into space with a blank look on his face. He and Nicole had been spending more time with each other and gradually Brad has been returning to his old self with her help.
“I- I can’t open my locker.” I croaked, pouting my lips out trying to stop a sob from escaping my lips.
His eyes lit up with worry as he rubbed my arm to soothe me.
“Why are you crying about that?” He asked cautiously, trying to not sound insensitive.
“Les would always open it for me.” I told him, stumbling on his name.
“Ah.” He nodded understandingly.
“I just…I just don’t know what I’m going to do without him.” Tears burst from my eyes again and Brad pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back as I cried into his chest.
After a minute, he pulled me up and wiped my tears away.
“I know what you need.” He said taking my hand and leading me down the hall.
“Where are we going?” I sniffled.
“Skipping.” He answered as he led me out of the front doors of the school.
Too mentally exhausted, I didn’t protest as we walked to his car and got in.
“Have you been to his grave since the funeral?” Brad quietly asked.
I shook my head no, slightly guilty that I hadn’t had the courage to go back.
“I think it’s time you did.” He advised.
I silently nodded, feeling it was good as time as any and he took that as a yes and pulled out of the school parking lot.
~
Carrying the flowers that we had stopped to buy on our way to the cemetery, I shuffled along the dirt path staring down at my chucks. Brad was silently walking next to me with his hands in his pockets and I could tell he wanted to say something by the way he kept glancing over at me.
“Do you remember where it is?” Brad suddenly asked as we came to a halt at a two-way intersection.
I looked up and searched around for a land mark that I could remember and when I saw the small pine tree off to the right I pointed to it.
“It’s near that tree over there.” I remembered.
“Oh, yeah.” He agreed.
Heading off that way, I couldn’t ignore the unsettling feeling I had in my stomach. This would be the first time since the funeral that I had come here and I had to admit that I felt guilty for not coming sooner. I knew that I should have but I wanted to come alone. I was always surrounded by someone so if I told them I was going out they would offer to come with me. And if I declined nicely, they would insist so I didn’t even bother trying anymore. But enough was enough and it was time to visit my best friend.
Brad and I became close over the summer. He seemed to understand what I was going through more than anyone. At first I didn’t know why but he told me that his best friend had died in a car accident when he was ten and he had a crush on her. I was shocked because I had no knowledge of this but he explained that she didn’t go to school with us so no one ever knew about it.
Having this in common, he was the one that always knew what to say to me to make me feel at least a little better which is why I was okay with going to Les’ grave with Brad, he would let me grieve in the way I needed to.
“Thanks for doing this.” I thanked him, gratefully.
“No problem” He smiled, putting a reassuring arm around me.
It was funny, a few months ago I would have shivered in disgust and called him a pig but now it was just a friendly gesture.
I could see the head stone now and my pace a slowed significantly. Taking a deep breath I walked up to it as Brad hung back to give me some time alone.
Grass was just beginning to grow on the small, dirt mound so I sat down next to the head stone which read “Leslie Rian Weber 1994-2011”
Placing the flowers down, I stared at the ground where just six feet below, Les was buried in a casket.
“Hi Les.” I whispered quietly, hoping Brad couldn’t hear me.
“I miss you. I miss so much.” Small tears were falling off my cheeks.
I felt stupid talking to nothing. How did I know if Les could hear me or was even listening?
“I’m sorry about everything, you know. I feel so guilty because I never apologized to you. I’m not mad anymore. You could kiss me a million times then tell me that you hate me and I would forgive you if you were still here. I hate that I never got to say good-bye to you. We left off so wrong. But I want you to know that I love you. I will always love you. You mean everything to me and I wish things between us could have been different. We were just starting to get back to our normal selves and you left me! I-How? I….I can’t…” I started sobbing again and within seconds Brad was holding me again, comforting me as he whispered calming things into my ear.
When I pulled away I saw that he had tears in his eyes and I knew that he had been listening. I blushed a little knowing he heard the embarrassing stuff I said but he didn’t say anything about it.
We both sat there for a few minutes not saying a word. Brad still had his arm around me and I found myself leaning into him.
“He loved you, you know.” Brad avowed softly.
“I know.” I sighed pulling away from him.
“No, he really loved you. He would have done anything for you. That day when I was teasing you and he came to tell me off, he told me later that day that you were going to be his girl and that he was going to marry you someday and if I were ever to come near you again he would tell my mom.” He chuckled sadly at the memory.
Too bad he didn’t still feel that way months ago. He probably just had a childish crush on me and grew out of it.
I smiled slightly, “He told me that you had a crush on me then.” I teased.
Shaking his hair, embarrassedly, he laughed, “I did but when Les said that if I went near you I got scared. I didn’t want to get in trouble with my mom. Sorry, but I was young and forgot about you within a day.”
“Aww, so I don’t have chance with you anymore?” I faked heartbrokenness that he didn’t like me.
Brad laughed and shook his head, “Sorry no. You’re just not my type.”
“Is Nicole? Is she your type?” Slyly, I looked over to him and grinned when I saw the faint blush on his cheeks.
“I don’t know…”He mumbled as he turned away from me.
“Come on,” I playfully nudged him, “I know you like her. You have for a while. Why haven’t you asked her out yet?”
“I did. A few times but she keeps turning me down.” He shrugged pretending that it didn’t matter but I saw the disappointment in his eyes.
“Why?” I questioned furrowing my eyebrows, I thought she liked him too. At least, she acted like it.
“She says I’m self-centered and too immature and doesn’t believe that I really like her. Which I do, I like her a lot.”
“Well, I’ll talk to her about it. She what she says. Maybe I can get her to ask you to be her date at my dad’s wedding. She hasn’t asked anyone yet and I know she’s concerned about going alone.” I suggested trying to be helpful.
“Really? That would be great, thanks Ruth.” He smiled looking a little more hopeful.
“Of course, after all you have done for me; it’s the least I can do…”I trailed off shrugging.
Brad gave me another lopsided, comfort hug and we sat in silence again. My thoughts were revolving around Les. What would he be doing right now if he were still here? Would we be hanging out? Would our fight be over? Would he have explained what that kiss meant?
It was still kind of bugging me, not knowing the reason behind the kiss. I had to let go of it though and not waste my life worrying about it. There was no way to find out now and it didn’t matter.
“Les.” Brad murmured and I snapped my head up to look at him as he stared down at the grave, “How’s it going?” He chuckled nervously, feeling awkward talking to him.
He sighed after a second, “Dude, we all miss you. You don’t know what it’s like to lose one of your best friends and now it’s happened to me twice. How could you leave us? Especially Ruth, you crushed her...”
I felt my stomach constrict at his words. The tears were coming back. I missed him so much.
“Don’t worry though because she’s is going to be okay. I know it.” He looked over to me and gave me a small smile.
“Can you believe it?” He continued, “Ruth and I aren’t fighting anymore and she actually considers me her friend. I consider her mine too. We’ve gotten closer and it’s sort of because of you.”
Brad kept talking to Les and I just sat and listened. I didn’t know what else to say to Les so I let Brad explain what happened in the last few months. By the time we said good-bye and Brad drove me back to the truck, I realized how in the past few months even though I’ve been surrounded by every one that I love, I still have this lonely, empty feeling inside me.
My nose was running from crying so much earlier in the day when I finally got back into the truck. School was over and most of the cars were gone from the parking lot. I looked over to the passenger seat to see my phone, which was flashing. I groaned when I saw that I left in here the whole time and people were probably worried and wondering where I was.
Nicole had left me a message asking where I was and why I wasn’t in school. I quickly texted her back telling her that I was fine and would explain later. Then I called and let Renee know I was on my way home.
Wiping my nose, I grunted in aggravation at the need of a tissue but I didn’t know if I had any. Searching around the car, I opened the glove compartment and my heart stopped at what I saw.
I couldn’t lie, I had been hoping I would be able to find this and be able to keep it in some kind of memory of Les but when I asked Jerry if he could look for it, he said he couldn’t find it. I was heartbroken that I wouldn’t be able to have the one thing from Les that I wanted to keep to remember him by but now that I found it in the most unlikely of places, I thought it had to be put there on purpose. I mean, who puts a Beatle’s T-shirt in their glove compartment?
Pulling it out, I slowly brought it up to my face. It stilled smelled like him and it made my heart swell. Suddenly, I heard a rustle of paper and looked down to see a bunch of folded papers falling out from the shirt. I put the shirt down on the passenger seat and cautiously picked them up and opened the seeming notes.
It was in Les’ small, neat handwriting.
Ruth,
I’m guessing that you are reading this because you found it stowed away in my glove compartment and can only assume that I have left you. Either that or you went through it when I wasn’t looking. In any case, the matter at hand doesn’t change anything. I had a feeling for a while that I was getting sicker. At the end of last summer actually, I was starting to not feel well. I decided to write a will in case of the unfortunate event that I passed away too soon. Knowing that I was leaving my truck to you, I’ve been writing letters to you every time that I did something to make you feel bad to explain my reasons and to tell you the things I think you deserve to know but was afraid to say. I hid them in here knowing that you would eventually find them and maybe be comforted by them or at least understand the way I have been acting the last year. But I want you to know how sorry I am, not only for the way I’ve been treating you but for leaving you like I did. I just ask you of one thing, once you read the letters don’t hate me. I know I did a lot of stupid things and I regret them so much but everything I did was to protect you.
Remember on Thanksgiving when I reminded you about the first day we met? I told you that I would always protect you from boys. I knew that you thought I was talking about Nate and I partially was, but mostly I was referring to myself. Every time it seemed like I was distancing myself from you, I was. It was hard knowing that you cared for me so much and that I was going to die. I didn’t want you to be broken when I left because I knew it was going to happen. I thought if I tore away from you now, when I died it wouldn’t be too hard on you. Like I said, I did stupid things. I should have known whatever I did you would be devastated when I died. My biggest regret was not expressing to you how I felt and not spending the little time I had left with you.
All I ask is that you read these letters and know that what I did was in my best intentions. Know that I would go back in time and change what I could so that our time together would have been better.
I love you, Ruth. Don’t ever forget that or think otherwise.
Tears were starting to blur my eyes but I quickly started to read the first letter. These were his personal thoughts and I would finally be getting some answers. I admit, I was afraid of what they would reveal but the curiosity was getting the better of me. I was a little upset too, that he knew he wasn’t well and was not going to live much longer. I would have cherished our days together more if I had known. I would have not gotten mad at him and instead let him do whatever in his last days so he could be happy.
The first letter dated back to all the way at the beginning of the school year. I could tell that it was the same day that I confessed to him and even if there was no date, I could feel it. This was when everything started.
Ruthy,
I’m so sorry that I lied to you. And I wish that I never had to break your heart. It was the worst thing that I could ever do. I wanted to tell you the truth so bad. I wanted us to be happy together but I knew that it would only hurt you in the end.
I should have been honest with you a long time ago. I should have told you about my condition and that I might be dying. Then I would have confessed my feelings for you. I always knew you had a crush on me too and I’ve feared the day when you would finally tell me. Not because I don’t want to be with you, but because I know that if we got together, when I die, your pain would be immense. I couldn’t bear the thought of doing that to you.
That’s why tonight when you told me you loved me, I lied and I said I never thought about you other than a brother/sister way. The unadulterated truth is that I love you, Ruth. I love you more than anything and if we could be together, I would have asked you to be mine a long time ago.
When I saw the crushed look on your face, I knew that I couldn’t stay any longer or I would confess the truth. I’m so sorry that I left you there by yourself after I broke your heart. I know you may hate me now but I’m going to do everything in my power to keep us friends. I shouldn’t though. I should just let you go your separate way and get over me so when I’m gone I would only be a small memory of your childhood when I was just your best friend who you had a crush on. But I’m selfish and I care too much about you. I don’t want to let you go.
I wish things were different. If I didn’t have HIV, I know that we would be together and be happy. I have to believe there’s a reason though. We are not meant to be. There is someone else out there for you and as much as I wish that person was me, I want you to find him because you deserve to be happy.
Be happy, Ruth. No matter what happens to me, let yourself be happy.
Love your best friend,
Les
He did.
Les did love me.
He lied to me from the beginning.
I didn’t know what to feel. I knew I should be mad that he lied to me but I understood why he did it. And I couldn’t help but feel a little grateful. If we had gotten together and fell in love with each other, I knew the pain I was feeling would be a hundred times worse. That didn’t stop the heart ache though. He was right; if he wasn’t sick then we would be soul mates. There was a reason that we didn’t end up together and if the only reason he died was so I could be with someone else, that made me want to throw up. He shouldn’t have to die so I could live happily ever after with another guy.
Or maybe this happened because he was meant to die. And my soul mate wasn’t him because he was never meant to be. Maybe the guy I was supposed to be with was someone to save me from my heartbreak when he left.
Shaking my head from the confusing thoughts, I sighed. It didn’t matter what fate and destiny planned. What happened was done and there was no way to change it.
Shuffling and skipping through the papers, I decided to read the last one in hopes that it would explain the kiss. Knowing what I knew now, I could guess that he kissed me because he felt it would be his only chance, but I wanted to know for sure.
There were some water marks on it and I could only suspect that they were from the rain. Is that where he was when I left him? He was writing this? Oh…the irony.
Ruth,
Once again I did something stupid and I apologize greatly for it. I kissed you tonight. The mood was right and when I stared at you; all I could feel was how much I loved you and the pain that came knowing I could never have you. I didn’t think as I leaned in and kissed you. I didn’t think about how it would affect you and how you would feel. I knew that you were no longer in love with me and were grieving over Nate but I didn’t care when I pressed my lips to yours.
I can’t tell you how long I waited to kiss you and although it was careless of me, I can’t bring myself to regret it. It was absolutely everything I thought it would be. I know I’m going to lie to you again when you ask why I kissed you and I hate myself for that. I wish I could have been honest with you from the start but we were put in such a crappy situation.
I don’t know why but I feel like something is going to change soon and I can only hope that it has to do with the start of our senior year but I’m not that naïve. So I must give you some advice.
I know when I’m gone you are going to be torn up about it. Mourn me, remember me, cry over my loss but don’t let yourself get consumed by the hurt and pain. Spend time with family and friends. Turn to Nate for comfort if you need to but don’t dwell on what could have been. You know that I love you but I’m not the only one. You have so many people that care about you and so many people that will. You are amazing and you need to show the world. Go out and photograph things that make you smile. Go to college and follow your dreams but most importantly, follow your heart.
I know that you love Nate even if you have yet to admit it to yourself. I have seen the two of you these last few months and its apparent how much you care for each other. I have to say, I was really shocked when you told me you broke up but I can’t lie and say I wasn’t happy. If not for you two breaking up, we wouldn’t have gone on this trip together. It was one of my goals before I died so thank you for sharing it with me. If this is the last of times we spend together, I am glad it turned out this way.
But after everything goes back to normal with your life or as normal as it can get, don’t give up on love. If you still love Nate, go find him and talk because I’m pretty sure he misses you as much as you miss him and if you don’t, don’t turn your back on someone else when you meet them. My last wish is for you to be happy, wherever you find it.
Go ahead and laugh, I know I’m being sappy and cliché but you need to hear this and I’m afraid that I’m the only one you will listen to. I promise you that your life is going to turn out okay and when it’s over, I expect to see you happy with the beautiful family you made around you as I welcome you with open arms up into heaven.
Love you always in Life and Death,
Les
I laughed sadly when Les mentioned that he was being sappy because it was true and he would never talk like that. He was so sweet with his words and it lifted a big weight off of my shoulders due to finally having answers. I was right when he explained why he kissed me and I couldn’t help blush when he described it. But when I really got chocked up was when he told me to follow my heart and do everything I can to be happy. I did miss Nate but I didn’t know if we would ever get back together. I know that Les didn’t really like him in the beginning but letting go of his jealousy he to let me know he wants me to be happy with him if that’s what I want made me grateful.
Things seemed cleared to me know and the dark cloud that was over me was starting to show signs of sunlight. It was such a good thing that Les wrote letters to me when he felt he needed to. He planned ahead and as much as that made me sad to think about, it was the best thing he could have done. Knowing the truth about everything is the only thing that could help to start to move on.
Feeling exhausted from the long day of emotions and discovery I went home to finally get a good night’s rest. I didn’t know how to describe it but I was more optimistic in a way. It was easier for me to fall asleep and for the first time in month’s it was peaceful.
So do you think Ruth is ready to move on? Do you think she can?
Do you think she will get back with Nate? These questions will be answered in the next and final part. Everything will be wrapped up...dun dun dun. :)
Vote please!