There will be three parts to this chapter because it's just too long. I really should have planned out my chapters better, sorry for the inconsitency. I will work on that for future stories. In the mean time I have to get this story done. The second part will be out later in the day and hopefull the last part tonight. I only have one scene to write and then it's complete! I can't believe it, I'm almost done with my first novel!
Thank you for all your help and support and I'm looking forward to your reactions to the end :)
Enjoy~
“Ruth, you’ve got to get up and get dressed.” Renee shoved me once again trying to wake me but my eyes stayed shut tight.
“Wake up.” She muttered in an annoyed tone but I could tell she was still concerned.
Truth was I had been awake all night. I was only pretending to be asleep because I wasn’t ready to get up. I didn’t think I would ever be ready to deal with what the day had in store.
It was Les’ funeral and I couldn’t think of anything more I wanted to do than sleep and fall into dreams where this horrible reality would slip away. Sadly though, my thoughts had been keeping me awake for days.
Huffing, my sister smacked my butt in a last attempt to wake me. Squealing slightly, I turned to my other side and tightened my eyes shut even more in spite.
“Come on Ruth! I know you’re awake. We have to leave soon.” She sighed when I still didn’t reply, “I understand it’s hard for you to go but you need to. Just jump up and go take a shower. I’ll have breakfast ready for you in ten minutes.” She ordered pulling the sheets off of me before promptly leaving my room.
It took me a minute but I finally rose out of bed as Les’ face came to mind and I realized that this would be my last opportunity to ever see him physically. The only way I would get to see him after the funeral would be in pictures and my memories. As much as I didn’t want to go to my best friend’s memorial service, the fact that it was his, motivated me to get up.
After my shower I put on the outfit Renee laid out for me. It consisted of a plain, black dress and ballet flats. I was too tired to do anything fancy so I put my wet hair up in a bun and only applied eye liner. Water proof eyeliner.
Like Renee promised, when I went downstairs fifteen minutes later she had breakfast on the table. Dad was already sitting there eating his eggs and bacon while reading the paper. He was dressed in a dark suit and his hair was slicked back with gel. Upon my entrance into the kitchen he set his paper down and gave me a small, surprised smile as if he didn’t expect me to come out of my room but was relieved that I did.
“Hey, sweetheart. How are you doing?” He asked as he got up and gave me a hug and a kiss on the top of my head.
I shrugged as we both sat down. He watched me as I stared at my eggs for a minute before I recognized that I had to eat them.
Patting my hand he whispered, “I know.”
Nodding and forcing tears back I acknowledged his words because out of everyone, he was the one that understood the most. His wife had passed away and although they were different loves, they were lost loves nonetheless.
It took me a minute to swallow the lump in my throat but once I did, I started to eat the eggs in front of me. Not being that hungry though, after a few small bites and moving the food around on the plate I threw the rest away and went back upstairs until it was time to leave.
Since leaving the hospital a few days ago I hadn’t left my room too much. Renee would come in to check on me frequently but I ignored her most of the time because all she would do was try to get me to talk about Les and I didn’t want to think about him let alone talk about him aloud. My dad and Bethany would check on me every once and while too but not as much. They understood that while I couldn’t cut myself off from the world, that I needed to be alone to process everything and have time to grieve.
Then there was Nate and Nicole. Nicole’s injuries were on the mend but she was getting around on crutches and kept getting minor headaches which prevented her from coming over. Nate would come to see me when he could and if he couldn’t he and Nicole would call to make sure I was doing okay. Thankfully they never brought up Les, instead they would talk about how their dad was doing and that their mom had returned home from Boston. While their dad was recovering and was returning to the mental hospital in a few days, their mom was still as heartless as ever, refusing to see him. To add to that, she angry at Nicole for getting into an accident just to see him.
Even Gary and Brad came to see me once. When they did though, I could barely stand to look at them. Their presence reminded me too much of Les. The only time I hung out with them was with him. Not only that but their sad and hollow faces were a constant reminder of who we all lost. Les was really the common denominator between us all. Though I got along and like Gary, the only reason we were friends was that he was Les’ friend. I never liked Brad and all we did was bicker with each other but I did consider him my friend too and it humbled me a little that he came to see me bearing yellow roses. Saying that, the situation was tense and awkward and while I appreciated that they wanted to make sure I was okay, the weirdness of them being in my house combined with the sorrow surrounding everyone made the visit a short one.
Sitting on my bed I stared across the room at my desk which had the camera that Bethany gave to me. I was still debating whether or not I should develop the pictures. They were of Les and I during our trip and most of the film was probably of him. I was afraid though. I wanted to see them to reminisce in the memories that felt like a lifetime ago but in reality were only a week. It felt weird. That only a week earlier Les and I had been having the time of our lives. We had been enjoying our time together in our own little world. One week ago everything had been almost perfect between us. One week ago we had shared our first and only kiss. A kiss that had changed not only our friendship but caused his death.
Maybe that was why I was afraid to look at the pictures. The guilt of what happened was weighing down on me, causing me to fear thinking about anything that had to do with Les. When I talked to Jerry the day after Les died he told me the cause of his death. He tried to explain to me what happened. At first I was so confused and didn’t understand but now I know how much one little action could cause a huge, life-altering reaction.
Jerry said that Les had gotten Pneumocystis Pneumonia, which isn’t life threatening to people with healthy immune systems, but it can be deadly for victims of HIV and AIDS.
The only thing I could think to ask was how Les was infected. Jerry went into great detail-most likely to make me feel better but all it did was make me feel worse- about how most scientists think that it’s spread through the air but they don’t know where it lives. The germ is very common and treatable though not preventable.
That’s what upset me the most; not only did I cause it but if he had gone to the hospital earlier they would have been able to cure him. The possibility that he could still be alive if not for me was killing me inside. I had two chances: not keeping him out in the rain and making him go to the hospital when he got sick. I knew about his condition and that getting sick would do more harm to him than other people. I should have forced him to go get checked. It’s always better to be safe than sorry. And right now I’m so sorry that I would give anything to go back in time and do everything I could to make sure he would never get sick again.
There was a soft knock at the door and then the squeak of the door hinge as it was opened gradually. Forcing myself out of my depressing reverie I looked up to the door with a stoic expression to see Renee dressed in a similar black dress though she looked exponentially prettier than I did. She paired the dress with black, strapless heels and she went through the trouble of applying makeup and curling her hair unlike me.
Glancing back down to my hands I briefly considered adding eye shadow and lip gloss but quickly dispelled it. I would most likely be rubbing my eyes and I didn’t want my face to resemble a three year-olds drawing creation.
“It’s time to go.” Renee said gently from the door when I didn’t acknowledge her presence.
I nodded once but made no move to get up. Time could have stopped for all I cared. Once again I was lost in thoughts of everything and nothing. At the front of my mind I was keeping my mind blank, forcing it to not think of Les or the funeral but the back my mind was reeling. Who would have thought that they would be attending their best friend’s funeral before they turned eighteen? Not me.
Taking a deep breath Renee came to sit next to me and put her arm around me. Instinctually, I rested my head on her shoulder, snuggling into her. She immediately wrapped another arm around me squeezing me tightly to her.
“It’s going to be okay. You have me, dad, and your friends. They will be there. You’re not alone with this. We are here for you Ruthy.” Renee consoled earnestly.
“I know.” I answered weakly.
“All right then. Come on and get up. We’ve got to go.” She stood up pulling me with her.
“Ready to go girls?” Dad asked us as we entered the kitchen.
Renee nodded grabbing a hold of my hand. We exited the house silently and made our way to dad’s car. My heart clenched tightly in my chest as I passed Les’ truck which was parked in our driveway. When I left the hospital a few days ago with Renee I remembered that I drove his truck there and Nate offered to drive it back for me. For some strange reason, I told him to drop it off at my house. I didn’t know why I didn’t just tell Nate to bring it to Les’ house but the thought of Les never driving it again tore at me.
My sister noticed my flinch and tightened her grip on my hand before she let go so we could get into the car.
The wake was a blur of tears as I sat sandwiched between Renee and dad and watched as other people went up to go say their last good-bye to Les. When it came to my turn I had already convinced myself that I couldn’t do it. I knew it was my last chance to see him but I was afraid of what I would see and never see again. From the seat I was sitting in I got a direct view of the casket and while I couldn’t see his face I could make out his arm that was covered by the sleeve of his tux. Even that much was enough to make me cry. Seeing him lifeless and unable to smile at me with his beautiful, brown eyes would be completely unbearable. But Renee forced me up telling me that I would regret not saying good-bye which I knew full well was true.
Keeping a firm hold on me, she walked me up to the casket. We passed by Nate and Nicole, both of which were giving me sad and concerned looks. Nicole was shedding a few tears and blowing her nose and Nate looked like he was about two seconds away from getting up to make sure I was okay. Nodding to reassure him that I would be fine, he gave me a reluctant smile back before handing Nicole another tissue.
When we got to the front of the room I was too concerned with what I was about to see to care about the fact that a room full of people were probably staring at me and watching to see my reaction. Renee had let go of me and told me that she would be right behind me. Shakily, I walked up to the casket holding my breath. As I did, I realized that I had subconsciously closed my eyes too so I hesitantly opened them to see my dark haired best friend with his eyes closed and hands crossed over his chest. Instantaneously, my breathing started to become rapid at the sight of him but I forced myself to get one last look at him before my eyes became too blurred by tears.
He didn’t look too different except for his hair, which had been combed back in a fashion I knew he would have hated. A rueful smile slipped onto my face as I thought back to freshman year when we had gone to homecoming together because neither of us had dates. I was helping him get ready and combed his hair back but he quickly messed it up with a scowl on his face when he saw it in the mirror.
“I look like a geek Ruthy!” He growled at me when I tried to comb it back again.
“No you don’t!” I assured but snickered at him, “You look handsome.”
“Handsome shm-andsome. I want to look hot.” He grunted as he flipped it around making it a just-got-out-of-bed mess, which I had to admit looked a lot better on him.
Scoffing, I sighed, “Whatever.”
Thinking back he looked skinner and paler than he did compared to then. Even a year ago he wasn’t this skinny. I knew he had lost weight because of his medication but how did I not notice how much?
It wasn’t fair! Why him? Why us? Why now? These questions were suffocating me and I desperately wanted the answers and knowing that I would never get them depressed me.
I knew I was sobbing when Renee grabbed my shoulders and pulled me away from Les. That made me cry harder but I followed her nonetheless. I didn’t know how much longer I could take of being in the parlor. The atmosphere was pressing down on me and I was feeling claustrophobic in the room which was pretty big even with the many people in it.
After the church service where I completely blanked out it was finally time for Les to be buried. The hardest part was that I kept thinking that his body would be under dirt and rock. No one would see him again and he would become cold and alone six feet under. The image was not something I would want to imagine on anyone, let alone Les.
The sun was gleaming but thankfully there was a light breeze that was keeping away most of the heat. As the last words of remembrance were being said I looked across the closed, wooden casket. Wiping my nose I saw Gary and Brad standing together with solemn expressions, along with some other guys from school that I knew sometimes hung out with Les. There were actually quite a few kids from school that turned up. I wasn’t surprised that they heard about Les with the news, internet and gossip, events and tragedy like this spread like wild fire. What was surprising though was just how many people came to pay respect. It made my heart lighten a smidge to think that people cared about Les and was saddened that he passed away. I just wondered what they were told about his death.
Looking around I recognized a few people that were in some of my classes. One in particular that I noticed was the brunette at the beginning of the year that had a crush on Les. I had totally forgotten about her after Les told me that he blew her off. Beside her was her posse of look-alike friends all of whom were standing huddled together weeping, red noses and puffy eyes. It wasn’t a pretty sight and I practically scoffed at them. They barely knew him and they were acting like they just lost the love of their life. Even I wasn’t making that big of a spectacle and I was his best friend. It angered me but as I saw the casket being lowered down my attention immediately drifted away from them.
My breathing was becoming erratic as I thought that this was the closest I would ever be to him again. Everything we had was gone and done. No more anything. We would never be together as more than friends. I would never get to apologize to him about yelling at him. I would never find out why he kissed me. We left off on the wrong foot. The last memory we had of each other was hostile. But the worst part was I didn’t even get to say good-bye.
I felt someone put their arm around me and someone else grab my right hand at the same time. I looked to my left and Nate was holding onto me and then I turned to my right to see Nicole holding my hand with her left as she balanced on one of her crutches. Having them there for me again and comforting me made my heart swell but also made me feel a little guilty. They have always been there when I needed them and it seemed like every time that I needed them was when it involved Les.
Nate sensed that I was starting to hyperventilate because my whole body was beginning to shake and he held me tighter.
“Woah, Ruth. You need to calm down or you’re going to pass out. Slow down and take deep breaths.” He advised me with a hint of distress in his voice.
Trying to take his advice I took multiple deep breaths but it didn’t work. Nicole was starting to worry too as she squeezed my hand and kept telling me it would be okay in a soft, caring voice.
“Ruth, listen to me. Focus on my voice. Look at me.” He pulled my head to face his and he stared into my eyes.
Fixated on the blueness of them, I continued to take deep breaths and watched the rhythm of the rise and fall of his chest. All the while Nicole was rubbing my back shushing me, worry written all over her face.
Gradually my breathing went back to normal and once it did I fell into Nate’s arms sobbing again as I watched Les’ casket disappear into the ground. One at a time people began to throw dirt into the grave, whispering last words and then walking away with somber faces back to their cars. When the line got to the last few people Nate nudged me and nodded his head to the grave asking if I wanted to say one last good-bye. I pulled away from him and took his hand slowly leading him to the line where Nicole along with Brad and Gary were already standing. My dad and Renee were not far away as they were talking quietly to Jerry and Les’ step-mom, Maria.
We all gathered around the grave and silently stood looking down at the nearly covered casket that held Les. I glanced around to see my dad and Renee holding hands as well as Jerry and Marie next to them. Across from Nate and I was Nicole leaning against Brad for support and lying her head on his shoulder as he held her waist. Next to me was Gary who was looking lost and lonely so as I held Nate’s hand tighter, I grabbed Gary’s. He gave me a brief look and in that second we both shared the loss and understanding of our friend and as he looked away he gave my hand a grateful squeeze.
In that moment as we all stood there I could feel that we all felt the same thing. We were together with grief and knew that a great person had been lost. No words were needed to say that. So without a sound we each threw a handful of dirt down the dark abyss covering the last bit of the casket and said farewell to Les.
~
The house was full of people. It was nearly dark outside and the lights in the house were turned on despite the fact that it did little to brighten the room. I doubted LED lights could make it brighter. The dark mood surrounding people was enough to make the house that I once found a place of happiness a depressing memory.
Everyone was gathered at the Weber’s house for food and refreshments. I had just found myself a secluded spot to sit because I had spent the last hour with Renee and dad as they stood around talking to everyone. The subject of their conversations had driven me crazy and I needed to get away to think of anything else. The trouble was though that in his house, everything reminded me of him.
Watching people, most of whom I didn’t know, gathered here together because Les was gone didn’t help me forget either. Right now the worst thing was my thoughts. Unfortunately, the only way to turn them off was to sleep and that wasn’t working either.
Off in the corner I saw Nate and Nicole talking to Brad and Gary and I noticed that Nate was glancing around the room as if he were looking for someone. It wasn’t hard to figure out whom that someone was. It was a matter of seconds before he would spot me because regardless of my secluded sitting arrangement, I was still amidst the party.
Previously, I had thought of getting away from everyone by going into Les’ room but I decided against it. I didn’t feel ready enough to endeavor in there. Especially since it would smell like him. As much as I missed his scent, I knew that going in there would not help me in recovering from his loss. But as Nate excused himself from the group and started physically looking around, I knew that I had to go somewhere. As much as I loved Nate and loved that he cared so much for me, that love was not something I could deal with at this time.
In a hasty decision, I got up and rounded the corner to where the stairs were. I jogged up them and down the hall to Les’ room. Luckily, I didn’t hesitate in entering because if I did, I surely would not have been able to open the door.
My senses were quickly overwhelmed. It smelled sweet and delicious, like Les, just as I remembered it. Taking a deep breath, I was surprised to find that I was comforted by being in his room. I flicked on the lights and the familiar surroundings relaxed me even further, at least, until the thought that he died in this room invaded my mind. I pushed through the feeling of revulsion that the room held for me and forced myself to sit down on his bed. At first I was tense. Being in his room without him in it felt wrong and knowing that the last time that he was in here was his last time alive didn’t make me feel any better. It was almost enough to make me leave but something told me it was best to stay.
As I relaxed into memories of being in here with him, it was easier to think of the room as a place where Les and I were happy. All the times we just hung out were playing through my head and it made me smile slightly. Leaning back against the bed, I took in the room.
It was like any other teenage boy’s room, a mess. Clothes were everywhere along with video game cases and random school supplies that he hadn’t put away when school ended. His walls were a dark blue and didn’t hold much on them except a playboy bunny poster on the far end of the room. His computer was set up across from the T.V which was in front of the bed. The closet door was slightly ajar and a pair of sneakers were poking out like there were trying to escape. If they were I wouldn’t be surprised, Les liked to throw everything in there so it was probably full of junk.
There was a chill in the room. It was like there was a breeze coming in but the window was shut. My thoughts were beginning to spook me until I logically came up with air conditioning. It was the middle of July and the house was packed with people. Surely Jerry had turned it on. Nevertheless, I was getting goose-bumps from the almost bitter cold so I huddled up under the blanket.
It was a lonely feeling, being in your best friend’s room when he was no longer there. I was half hoping that he would walk through the door at any second with a DVD in his hand and tell me that we were watching Paranormal Activity again. But as each second passed and he didn’t come through the door my hopes faded and I sunk deeper into the bed trying to hold onto him somehow.
~
The next thing I knew a gentle voice was calling me and it seemed to wake me up from a dream. What that dream was, I couldn’t remember, but it relaxed me and made me almost feel…blissful.
Opening my eyes slowly, I saw the face of Jerry giving me a small smile.
Sitting up and rubbing my eyes, I yawned and gave him a weak smile back.
“Is this where you have been the whole time? Everybody is looking for you. They were worried something happened to you…”He trailed off knowing that I understood his meaning.
I frowned and nodded, “Yeah, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be in here but I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to get away from everyone and I guess I fell asleep.”
“No, it’s perfectly okay Ruth. You are most certainly allowed in here. I understand that you needed to get away, but you should have at least told Renee.” He reasoned.
“Sorry.” I mumbled feeling a little guilty.
Looking at him, he looked better than a few hours ago. His face was no longer red and puffy from crying and there was a slight lightness to him that he didn’t have before. Though I could still tell he was devastated about Les, he was taking it one step at a time.
It must be really hard on him, to lose two people that he loves to AIDS. It isn’t fair to him to lose so many family members.
“How are you-“We both started to say but stopped and chuckled when we heard the other speak.
There was a short silence while he waited for me to say something but there was no reason to ask him how he was or him to ask me. We both knew what the other felt.
“I miss him.” I whispered, casting my gaze down.
“I know, Ruth. Me too. But Les wouldn’t want us to be so sad about it. That’s why he was so hesitant to tell you about everything. He was afraid of the hurt and pain it would cause you. He loved you so much and only wanted you to be happy.” Jerry sat on the bed next to me and patted my leg, trying to comfort and reassure me that everything would be okay.
I was quiet as I took in his words. They didn’t help me much and I still felt like his death was my fault even though I knew it had to happen eventually.
“I-I just feel like it’s my fault,” I admitted as tears sprang from my eyes, “I could have prevented it. I left him in the rain, if he came with me, he wouldn’t have gotten sick. It’s my fault.”
Jerry stared at me with a shocked face and shook his head adamantly, “Ruth, why would you think that? It’s not your fault he got sick! He was old enough to know that staying in the rain makes you sick. He should have especially known that with his condition. And there was nothing you could have done. You didn’t know and it was his time to go. There is no use in feeling guilty in something you had no control over.”
I stared at him, understanding his reasoning but not completely believing it. He sat there watching me getting ready to scold me for whatever refute I had but when I questioned what to do about Les’ truck, he laughed. I didn’t want to get into an argument about Les so I asked the first thing that came to mind and strangely I was worrying about his truck.
“Ruth, you’re too funny.” He chuckled wiping his tears.
I laughed along, glad that we had a chance to get away from the gloomy conversation.
“What about it? Do you want me to drive it back?” I volunteered once our laughter died down.
He shook his head and gave me a knowing smirk, “Actually, Les left the truck to you. So it’s yours to keep.”
My eyes widened and I looked at him astonished, “What?”
“He left his truck to you in his will. But of course you are welcome to anything else that you want of his. You were his best friend Ruth, and you were always there for him. He loved you and you loved him and I’m so glad he had you in his life. I can never thank you enough.” He thanked me solemnly.
“He had a will?” I voiced hoarsely.
Giving me a sympathetic smile he nodded his head, “Of course Ruth. He knew he was living on short time. He wrote one up about a year ago.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?” I wondered, a little hurt.
“It’s kind of a morbid thing to bring up in daily conversation.” He grinned ruefully.
“I suppose.” I mumbled in agreement.
“There you are Ruthy, we’ve been looking all over for you!” Renee appeared in the door way looking exhausted and relieved.
“Are you okay?” She asked as she started to walk into the room.
“Yeah, I just needed sometime alone. Sorry for worrying you all.” I apologized half-heartedly.
“It’s all right Ruth. We were just making sure you weren’t hurt or anything…”
“Nope, I’m fine.”I repeated as I stood up along with Jerry.
Following him and Renee out of the room, I looked back to take a last look at the room as I turned the lights off. For some reason I had a feeling that it would be the last time that I would be here.
Feeling a hole in my heart, I whispered, “Good-bye.” And swung the door shut.
I cannot lie, I even cried a little when I wrote this.
Please check out on the song on the side, it kind of goes with the chapter.
Thanks for reading and the next part will be out in a few hours :)
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