Sina
With "Living for the love of you" by the Isley Brothers sounding through the speakers of my crib, I was currently ending my baking session. I took one last pull of the blunt before reaching over to grab my ashtray off of the end table as I exhaled and let the smoke flow from my mouth. I smashed the roach of the blunt until it was out before placing the ashtray back where it was. I slowly sat up straight. I sighed at the lingering pain that I had due to my wound. I stood to my feet and made my way to the kitchen. I walked over to the cabinet and grabbed a bag of pork rinds. I would on and off sing along with the song as I looked for some hot sauce. After finding it, I opened the bag and put a good amount of sauce on them. I left the kitchen and headed for the front door.
I walked out onto my porch to see my niggas causing the usual uproar over a pointless ass game of craps, shooting dice to the youngsters. I took a seat on an unoccupied crate with an open bag of pork rinds in hand, drenched in hot sauce. I gazed at my niggas carrying on arguing as they made money off one another. I shook my head before taking a pork rind out the bag and eating it. I pulled my attention away from them and gazed ahead of me, at nothing in particular. I cleared my throat a bit as the hot sauce tried to be on some other shit, almost went down the wrong way. Would've had me out here coughing like a little bitch. I continued eating up until I felt my cell vibrate in my pocket. Letting the bag rest in my lap, I reached into my pocket with my clean hand for my cell. I gazed to see that I had a text.
"Hello there, I just wanted to remind you that I left you another bottle of Motrin just in case you ran out of the other bottle. It's on the side of your bed I believe"
Tahari...
I smiled to myself as I read over the text message once more before typing a response. "Thank you lil baby, I appreciate that", I texted back.
I gazed at the messages for a moment before stuffing my cell back into my pocket. I continued eating as I gazed at my niggas playing this game. Eric was losing mad money and shit, he was mad as fuck. The shit was hilarious man. Pouting like a bitch and he already knew going into this game he was going to lose as usual. Ain't no YouTube tutorial gone teach a nigga how to play craps. I know that's what his ass did. I chuckled as I bobbed my head to the music that played inside.
Catching my attention, I saw a familiar black cutlass pull up along the curb. My nigga A.j parked and got out and walked up the walkway while the rest of my niggas stood oblivious to it. He walked around them and walked up the stairs. "What's up yung", he greeted as he took a seat on an unoccupied crate.
"Wusammm", I said followed by a chuckle.
A.j chuckled. "I ain't hear you say that shit in ages nigga, you must be in a good mood or some shit.", he said.
"Maybe", I said as I continued.
"Got the old shit playin loud as hell, smell like that good cookie kush, bringin back good memories with wusammm. What's goin on nigga?", he queried.
I chuckled once more before eating another pork rind. "Nigga mind ya business", I said to A.j. as I gazed at my niggas. "Eric, ya ass need to stick to pitchin pennies, you ain't built for shootin dice man", I joked.
"Fuck you", Eric said as he waved me off.
A.j nodded as he gazed at our niggas. "I ain't stupid nigga", he started. "Tell me somethin though, the other night, when I walked in on you and shawty, what was that about yung?", he queried as he took his attention off the game and gazed at a by passing car.
I sighed. "Nigga, don't kill my vibe man. It was nothin", I said not wanting to talk about the shit.
He gazed at me. "Shit, I'm just sayin whatever y'all got goin on, I'm all for it. I've actually grown a soft spot for shawty too", he said.
A smirk crept upon my face as I gazed straight ahead at nothing in particular. "Is that right?", I queried as I gazed at him.
"Yeah man", he said.
"You want her?", I queried as I rose a brow.
He furrowed his eyebrows. "Naw nigga", he stated.
"Bet not nigga", I said as I took my attention away from him.
He sighed. "And there it goes, you be defensive as hell but you be talkin shit like you don't want her", he stated.
"I don't", I said bluntly feeling my mood coming down.
He sighed. "I sure as hell can't tell but why though?", he questioned..
"I mean, cause I'm focused right now and you know, this new for me. All this is new for me, and I just feel like everybody got intentions and motives and I just don't feel like figurin it out, man I'm just grindin", I said.
"So you think she got a hidden agenda or some shit? You just woke up and was like fuck whatever I got goin on with shawty?", he kept on.
I shook my head. "Don't get it twisted nigga, I fuck with her on a level I can't explain yung but what I meant is that she came into my life knowin that I'm no good but goin hard for a nigga, this shit is new to a nigga. No broad ever went hard for me and real shit, it kinda scare me.", I said as I gazed down at my bag of pork rinds and rolled it close.
"Two different worlds clashin and in the back of my mind I know it won't work out because I'm not really feelin the relationship thing right now and somethin else.... I don't really know what it is but there's somethin about her that throws me off and won't allow me to get as close as I want to get, shit, I damn near opened up more than I should have already. But man I can't put my finger on what I'm feelin. I know she's done a lot for a nigga, more than anyone has done and I'm appreciative of her but I don't know. She's innocent but then again I just don't fuckin know and my mind be all over the damn place and shit, there it goes with my reality. Even if I'm over thinkin about what I just said, say I fuck with her and make her mine. I don't want her to be chillin with me and she gets taken out because she's chillin with her man. I'm walkin around here with a target on my back and I'm already doin what I can to keep myself alive, I can't protect her how I want to. Shit, don't forget, niggas be comin at me in pairs tryin to kill me. I'm alive because I'm gettin lucky. I couldn't imagine gettin in too deep with her like that, she'll end up hurt. Shit, niggas think I ain't got a heart now, if somethin happen to that girl, on God I'll light this city up and turn the Nola red.", I said followed by a sly chuckle. "I feel weird as shit man", I continued.
He nodded which let me know that he understood where I was coming from. "Plus man, it's not only that. I need to just focus on my grind without gettin caught up in the process. I don't have time to be bein somebody's boyfriend. I don't. I'm just tryin to focus on not losin my life out here, ya heard me.", I said as I gazed down and brushed my hands together, not caring where the crumbs ended up.
He nodded. "I got you yung", he said.
I gazed at him. "You really want me to rock with her heavy, yeah?", I queried.
"I mean shit, I just see how genuine she is. She has a big heart, you a mean ass nigga and shit, I know how you is, you be chewin people out. Even her but it doesn't phase her, she still got a likin for you, shit, maybe even somethin deeper. She still rock with you. Tell me this, do you see yaself ever lovin her?", he queried which blew my high.
This nigga getting on my nerves now...
"I don't know but I know that I don't want to.", I said as I put my gaze back on the game. "Lovin ain't the same with a nigga like me, she may be used to them lil lame niggas but ain't no lovin me. Shit and what went down with Crystal... Since then I've been like trust nobody, show no love. Man yung, I'm kinda fucked up.", I said as I gazed at him. "Let's dead this conversation, I ain't feelin it. I don't want to talk about her", I said as I dusted the crumbs off of my lap.
"You know you wanna talk about her", he joked.
"Keep on pressin the issue and I'ma pop you, brotha or not, you gettin on my nerves", I said nonchalantly.
He chuckled...
"I'm about to head out though for a lil minute", I said as I stood to my feet. "You'll hold it down fa me while I'm out?", I questioned.
"Yeah, I got you", he stated.
I opened the screen door and walked in. I turned the radio down before heading into the kitchen. I set the bag of pork rinds on the table before making my way over to the sink to wash my hands. I reached into my pocket for some winterfresh gum and popped that in my mouth.
I dug into my pocket for my car keys as I made my way out the house. I walked down the stairs and bent down to interrupt my nigga's game. I reached for Eric's dub and moved it towards me.
"Nigga move", Eric fussed.
I chuckled. "That's why ya ugly ass losin anyway, that dub ain't gone be yours for long", I said as I stood up straight.
He chuckled. "Fuck you", he said.
I walked to my car and got in. I started the car up, put the gearshift on R, backed out my drive way, switched it to D and drove off.
I reached into my pocket for my cell and went to my ol lady's contact. I pressed call and put the phone to my ear. "Hello", she spoke.
"What's poppin mama, how you doin?", I spoke as I kept my eyes on the road.
"Hey Aug, I'm doin good."
"I'm on my way over there, you cook?", I queried.
She chuckled. "I should've known that was coming but yeah, I made roast and potatoes, cornbread too."
"It's warm?", I questioned.
She chuckled. "Yeah boy, still on the stove."
I furrowed my eyebrows as I heard male voices in the background. "Ma, ya kids over there?", I queried.
"Yeah, Jamal and Travis."
"They always tryin to come around when you cookin", I said as I pulled up to a red light.
She chuckled. "I'm about to hang up on you, you're bein too silly. Talkin about some they always come around when I'm cookin, I could say the same about you."
I chuckled. "I'm different though mama, I'm ya baby boy", I said as I pulled off at the green light, getting through the usual traffic.
"Bye boy, I'll see ya when you get here." she said before hanging up.
That mf gone get enough of hanging up on me. I thought to myself before chuckling.
After a while, I pulled up to my mama's crib. I parked and got out. Making my way to the door, I opened the door and heard talking coming from the kitchen. I walked into the kitchen to see my mama and my brothers. "Wusammm", I said with a smile plastered upon my face. Jamal was sitting at the table eating while Travis was leaning against the counter eating. My mama was standing near the stove...
They greeted me...
I walked over to Jamal and bent down to give him a pound hug before doing the same with Travis. Lastly, I walked up to my mama and gave her a hug and a kiss to the forehead. She scrunched up her face. "Boy, smelling like that stuff", she said as she gently pushed me away.
I chuckled. "What stuff?", I queried.
"That crack you be smoking", she said seriously which caused me to bust out in laughter along with my brothers.
"Aug don't smoke no crack", I said as my laughter died down. "Just that herbal, that's all mama and I'm sorry for comin in ya house smellin like that", I said.
"Smellin like good dank", Travis said laughing which caused Jamal to join in on the laughter.
I smacked my lips before taking a quick glimpse at them before gazing at my mama. "I'm sorry lady", I said.
"Mmmhmm", she hummed as she shook her head. "Get you some food, it's still warm", she said to me as she began to walk away from the oven.
I walked over to the pot and lifted the top and grabbed a piece of the roast before my mama walked back over to me and damn near had a fit. "Boy you done lost ya mind, I don't know what you be doin with them fingers, probably be havin them stuffed in some fast tail girls", she fussed as she snatched the top away from me.
Laughter began brewing in the kitchen from me and my brothers as my mama continued fussing at a nigga. "Mama, my fingers don't be stuffed in nothin, you be throwin fits on me for no reason", I said knowing that I was purposely pissing my mama off.
She be so mad at me...
"Wash ya hands and make a plate, act like you got some damn sense boy", she continued as she placed the lid back on the pot.
"Aight, aight", I said in response as I walked over to the kitchen sink and washed my hands.
She gazed at my brothers. "Watch him", she said to them before walking out of the kitchen.
I chuckled as I got a plate from the cabinet. "Why you over here gettin on mama nerves?", Jamal questioned followed by a sly chuckle.
I took a glance at him before getting a fork out the drawer. "Because I love mama, the shit is mandatory", I said before lifting the lid again and getting some roast and potatoes.
"This nigga", Travis said as he took a bite of his cornbread. "But how ya been, it's been a while", he continued.
I put the lid back before moving on to the cornbread. "I've been cool, everything been everything", I said as I cut the cornbread. "What about you?", I questioned.
"I've been good man, just workin, tryin to stay out the way, ya know", he said in response.
I nodded as I placed the cornbread on my plate. "I hear ya man", I said as I walked over to the counter and hopped on there for a seat. I began eating. "How's Tima?", I queried.
He smiled. "Tima is Tima.", He said continuing to smile.
I laughed a bit. "Must be a good thing cause you over there blushin like a lil ass girl in love", I joked.
He chuckled...
I gazed at Jamal. "It's really been a minute since I seen you, how you doin brotha?", I queried.
"I've been good, all work and no play. You been stayin outta trouble?", he questioned
"How's Dricka?", I queried before furrowing my eyebrows. "And I'm always outta trouble, what you mean", I continued.
Him and Travis gave me the blankest stare. "She's good and you not talkin to mama now, you talkin to ya brothas man. She know that you sell but she don't know that you be out here knockin off half the Nola", he stated loud enough for our conversation to only stay amongst us 3.
I sighed. "Survival of the fittest, I don't be out here playin eenie, meenie, miney, mo and just randomly do this shit, I do what I have to do", I said as I continued to eat.
Travis sighed. "So what happened with ya home boy Dre?", he queried.
I didn't answer right away. "I don't know", I said nonchalantly.
They already knew how I was when it came to niggas crossing me. The fact that I said "I don't know" was their answer right there. My brothers know me. "So the other knock offs around here, that's all you, huh?", Jamal questioned.
"Look man, I don't want to talk about this shit, especially not here man. I came over here to shoot the shit with y'all and be on somethin positive. When I come here, I don't want to be talkin about what goes on in the streets, I just want a peace of mind from my family, that's all. And I want to enjoy my food, I don't get a kick outta talkin about me deadin niggas at the table", I said tryin to be cool. "Ain't no Sina shit here, I'm just August here", I said.
Travis nodded...
"Look, I understand that, I wanted to talk about it only to end it off by tellin you that you just need to cool out with this shit and let it go. The streets don't love you. I don't need that phone call from mama, hearin that my lil brotha gone. I know you don't want to hear this but that's how we feel man, you can get killed out here and at the end of the day nigga, you'll have nothin but a rep of bein a dope boy... a killa. A fucked up legacy", he stated and that truly hit me.
I felt that shit...
I wasn't quick to respond but I did eventually. "I'll be good, y'all don't have to worry about me", I said.
"We don't have to but we love ya hard head ass", Travis stated.
"I love y'all too but man I'll be good. I've always held my own man, shit, plus worryin is like prayin for somethin you don't want to happen. Cut the shit and don't worry, think happy thoughts nigga", I said.
Jamal chuckled. "You and that dumbass logic, I'ma pray that you don't mess around and find out the hard way that these streets don't love you", Jamal continued as he stood to his feet and grabbed his plate.
He walked over to the sink and washed out his dishes. "He's right Aug, listen to ya brothas man, we wouldn't steer you wrong. You think the way you do things is the only way and it's not nigga. Get out ya ways and try to pull away from this lifestyle you livin. What you doin ain't livin, you're just gettin by. You good financially but you can only dodge bullets for so long nigga, know that old sayin, live by the gun, die by the gun. You need to change ya life if you want to continue to have one", Travis said.
Jamal dried his dishes and put them away. "Yeah man, get you a lil woman that cares about ya well bein, that has a dope mind and got somethin goin for herself. Believe me, the right woman can change ya life for the better", Jamal said.
By this time my appetite was fucked up. Not because I was pissed or anything but because they were stating factuals. I was almost done but shit, I wasn't in the mood anymore...
Travis washed his dishes off and put them away. Jamal walked over to me. "Hope what I said ain't go in one ear and out the other", he stated before giving me a pound hug. "We about to get outta here, gotta drop Travis off so I can head to work", he stated.
"Aight man. Yo where Netia at?", I said in response before Travis walked over to me and gave me a pound hug.
"At work, I think", Jamal said and with that I nodded.
"I'll see you lil brotha", Travis said and with that they both left out to say their goodbyes to mama, I'm sure...
I sighed before I hopped off the counter top. I threw out the rest of the food before I went ahead and cleaned up after myself. I walked over to the table where my mama opened mail was placed. I began looking through it and saw that she had a few bills that need to be paid. I placed the mail down before reaching into my pocket for my wallet. I counted the approximate amount she needed and placed it on the table followed by a few extra hundreds just because she's mama. She can go out and enjoy herself...
I walked into the living room where she sat comfortably on the couch and gently rocked back and forth. Same thing my granny do. Love and happiness by Al Green faintly sounded through her record player. I walked over to her and sat down and laid my head on her lap as my left leg rested on the floor as my other one hung from the armrest. She gazed down at me. "What you want yung"? She queried.
I took my gaze away from the ceiling and gazed at her. "Is it bad that a child just wanna be under their mama?", I queried.
She shook her head. "No but every time you were bothered, you would do that and we would end up in deep conversation", she said as she took my shades off. "There's no sun in here", she said as she placed them on my chest. "What's on your mind?", she queried.
I sighed. "Life", I said in an agitated tone. "I'm so sure that my time comin soon, I can barely focus nowadays", I said.
"I hate that this can even be a topic of conversation. Back then, our conversations were so simple. I hate that you let it get this far Aug because I'd be so heartbroken if I ever lost you. I'm already still dealing from my first heartbreak and I vowed to never let it happen to another one of mine. I need you to really search deep inside yourself and ask yourself if what you do worth your life.", she said as she teased my soft curls. "I don't really know what goes on in your everyday life but I do pray for you, wrong or right, I'll pray over you and protect you as much as I can but now that you're older, I need your help to help me protect you from you", she continued.
I sighed. "I know mama, I've been thinkin heavy. Life has been weighin in on me", I said. "So bad that I got shot a week ago", I said which caused her to gasp.
"No you did not", she said in disbelief.
"It's not the first time but I honestly thought that I would've been done for, that night", I continued.
She closed her eyes as she took in what I said. She sighed. "Did you go to the hospital?", she queried.
"No", I said and before she could chew me out, I spoke. "I know how to do what I gotta do at home and my lady Tahari, she helped me out. Cleaned my wound out and stitched me up", I said as I reached down and lifted my shirt so she could see my bandaged wound.
"The young lady you brought over here right?", she queried.
"Yeah", I said.
She sighed. "Aug, I don't want you getting that girl into any trouble. She seems like a sweetheart and I wouldn't want her getting in the mix and God forbid, getting caught in the crossfire. She seems like a respectable young lady and she is very beautiful.", she stated before I interrupted.
"Very respectable and beautiful as hell", I thought out loud.
"I don't know what type of bond the both of you have but if it has a chance in becoming something more than what it is then I need you to not get her involved in that mess you got going on out in those streets. You need to find yourself August. You are so loved that you don't even understand what losing you would do to this family.", she said as she began to dab the corner of her eyes hoping to rid the tears that were threatening to fall.
Seeing my mama that way was tearing me apart. I sat upright and put my arm around my mama. "I promise to you that I'll be careful", I said softly before kissing her forehead...
_____________
I drove along the street with a lot on my mind. People been telling me about myself all damn day and for the most part, they're all right. Dealing with cops who's trying to put me in prison and dealing with niggas that's been trying to put me in the dirt; It's enough to make a sane nigga lose his mind. I get where they were all coming from but the shit is better said than done. That's that.
I tried to shake away from my thoughts. I gazed at my fuel gauge and saw that my tank was at half. I changed my route and turned off. Nearing for a gas station in the area...
Shell Gas Station
6201 S Claiborne Ave...
I pulled into the empty pump island of the gas station and parked. I got out the car and walked into the gas station. I reached into my pocket for my wallet and grabbed a 20 out. "20 on pump 2", I said as I handed the clerk the money.
I walked out...
As I was walking towards my car I heard someone call my name. I placed my hand on the frontal of my pants where my gun rested as I slightly turned.
It was this nigga named Otis better known as "The Word Man". He was the eyes and ears out here, for only those that fucked with him and didn't treat him like he was beneath them. I had mad respect for that fool, loyal till the soil, it was always respect when it came to him. He had to be in his late 30s. He wasn't out here doing too good, more than likely a fiend. I would slide him a few dollars and tell him to get himself a room or some food. Shit, I hate to see niggas out here doing bad. I know that at times he'd probably spend the money on some drugs that I ain't fucking with but shit, there's nothing I can do once the money out my hands. I ain't gone knock him, to each his own.
I made my way to the pump and began pumping my gas. He walked over to me. "What's poppin O", I said as I stood back and waited for the gas to fill up.
"I've been hopin I'd run into ya, a week ago I overheard these guys talking, not much older than you.", he started which caused me to give him all my attention.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Oh yeah, what about them?", I queried.
"They brought you up, one of them said something like "I gotta dead Sina and the other said that they had clean choppas and that they were gone get you sooner than later", he warned.
I nodded as I took the gas pump out and put it back. I gazed at Otis. "How they look?", I queried.
"One was short with dreads and the other was tall with a haircut", he stated. "In a green boxed car, not sure what kinda car though", he continued. "I just thought to tell you man. I'd hate to hear some messed up shit about you out here", he said.
I nodded. "Where this happen?", I queried.
"Here" he said in response.
I nodded as I dug my hand into my pocket and got my wallet. I pulled out a few hundreds and handed it to him. "Good lookin bruh", I said as I opened my door. "I'll see you around", I said and in response he said thank you and I got in the car.
I closed the door and grabbed my phone out of my pocket. I searched my contacts for a number in particular.
Once I came across the contact I pressed call and put the phone to my ear. "What's poppin Bobby, this ya lil cousin August", I said before listening into the phone.
"Yeah man, it's Sina. Aight man but all jokes aside, check this out. I got a lil situation. I just got word that these bitch ass niggas got them some clean choppas because they tryin to take me out. I got guns fa days my nigga but I'm tryin to see if you still got them drums. I got more than a few niggas I gotta dead out here. It's about to be a war, I'ma make some shit shake nigga. I'm done fuckin around"...