Bea
I'm just mindlessly scrolling through my social media accounts while waiting for Fel and Trey to finish up in the lady's room when that picture suddenly catches my attention. I instantly feel like my heart drops out of my chest while staring at the picture that Thirdy posted of him and Jho together.
May hawak si Jho na bouquet of red roses at heart-shaped balloons habang naka-akbay naman sa kanya si Thirdy. The caption says Happy 3rd monthsary to us babe!
They look so happy. They look like they are in love.
Huminga ako ng malalim at napapikit. This pain and jealousy is starting to creep in on me. Bigla tuloy akong nawalan ng ganang gumala at parang gusto ko nang umuwi.
"Where do you want to eat, Bey?"
I hear Fel asking me something but I am still too preoccupied thinking about Jho's smile in that picture.
If she really is genuinely happy with Thirdy, I should just be happy for her right?
But there is an echo at the back of my mind telling me that I want Jho to be happy with me instead.
"Bea?"
"Huh?"
My eyes go to Fel who is now staring at me with raised eyebrows.
"I asked where do you want to eat?"
Napabuntong hininga ako at itinago na ang phone ko sa bulsa ko.
"Kahit saan. Kayo bahala," walang kaganagana kong sagot.
We're in UPTC right now because Fel and Trey asked me to accompany them to shop for costumes for an upcoming Halloween party on Saturday. Ayoko naman talaga sumama nung umpisa pa lang pero dahil mapilit itong dalawa, wala na rin akong nagawa. They went and cornered me in the school parking lot just as I was about to go home.
When the both of them are done freshening up and retouching their makeups, we proceed to look for a place to eat since all of us are hungry from walking around the mall all afternoon. We decide to eat at 8cuts since it's the nearest from where we are and I refuse to walk any further to look for any place else.
Tahimik lang ako hanggang sa makaupo na kami samantalang yung dalawa naman busy pa rin sa paguusap tungkol sa magiging costume nila. From the sound of it, I think they are planning on collaborating their costumes together with Trey's younger sister, Ponggay.
"Bea," Fel says, grabbing my attention. "I have a question for you."
I swallowed my food first before looking at her, "What is it?"
"Will you be my date for the party?"
Natigilan ako sandali. I am not expecting Felicia to ask me that all of a sudden. May pagka straightforward talaga ang isang 'to kahit kailan.
"I'm not sure if I'm going, Fel."
"Sus, Bea. Everyone from our block will be there. Hindi ka pwedeng hindi pumunta 'no." Trey cuts in with a wide smile.
"Sige na, Bea. Please?"
Felicia is now looking at me with that puppy dog eyes of hers. Hindi pa siya nakuntento at tumabi pa siya sa upuan ko at humawak sa braso ko with matching pout. I found myself staring at her face.
Gosh, what am I doing? Didn't I say that I would stop leading her on? I don't want her to expect for something more to happen between us and then eventually break her heart.
No, I am not that cruel.
If this was the old me, I would take her up on her offer right away and probably more. Felicia is gorgeous and she is one of the nicest girls I've met. Anyone would be lucky to have her as their date.
But... she is not the girl I want to be with and I can't get myself to be attracted to her no matter how hard I try to.
Naalala ko na naman yung picture ni Jho at ni Thirdy at napabuga ako ng malalim sa pagkadismaya.
This is hopeless. I am hopeless.
"Alright, fine." I find myself saying and before I know it, Felicia is giving me a tight hug and is smiling at me from ear to ear.
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The days of the week before school break pass by slowly and I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief after our professor for the last class finally dismisses us. Dumeretso ako sa may parking lot for my car pero hindi muna ako umalis dahil kailangan ko pang maghintay ng isa pang oras.
Yes, I am waiting for Felicia's last class to be dismissed because I promised her we would go out and eat together after our classes. I wouldn't really call it a date. More like friends hanging out to kick off our one week of freedom from school. I would have invited Trey but I think she and Rex have other plans so it's just me and Fel for today.
Hindi ko naman namalayan ang oras because I have my earphones on and I am just listening on my playlist while waiting. I barely heard the tap on my car window before I glance over and see Felicia looking expectantly at me from outside. I open the passenger door for her, giving her a timid smile as she gets inside the car.
Nagpasya kami pareho na sa UPTC na lang ulit kumain. Hindi rin naman kasi kami magkasundo ng resto na pareho namin gusto. At least dito marami kaming choices. Mga kalahating oras din kaming naglalakad lakad lang around the area at naghahanap ng makakainan. As usual, Fel is clinging to my arm while she's telling me about her day. Fel is the kind of person who doesn't like awkward silences so she always fills it with her stories no matter how random they may be.
"Wait. Si Thirdy at Jho ba yun?"
Hinila ako ni Felicia pabalik dahil dirediretso akong naglalakad. I had to do a double take when she points to them and sure enough, I see Thirdy and Jho sitting together inside Silantro.
"Yeah." I confirm with a blank expression.
It's been a couple of weeks since the last time I saw Jho and I feel my heart beating faster at the sight of her again. Only, my head says we had to run away before they both see us while my heart says I want to be near her again even with Thirdy being around.
"Tara. Let's say hi."
Before I can process anything else, Fel is already pulling me by the arm all the way inside the resto to the table where the two of them are seated.
"Hi guys!" Fel greets them energetically.
"Uy!" Thirdy looks surprise to see us but smiles and gives Fel and I fist bumps as his way of greeting. "Bro!"
I smile back and ruffle his hair as my way of greeting. Sinamaan lang niya 'ko ng tingin pero hindi na rin siya umangal. I know. He doesn't want to show that vain side of him to Jho. I smirk at him in response.
"Pwede maki-join?" Fel then asks in a hopeful tone.
Wait, what? I thought we are just here to say hi to them? Ugh!
"Sure. Upo kayo." sagot naman ni Thirdy bago pa ako maka-angal. He moves to the seat beside Jho, giving Fel and I the two extra seats right in front of them. So ang nangyari, magkatabi kami ni Felicia sa upuan habang katapat niya si Thirdy at katapat ko naman si Jho.
Kung hindi ka naman sineswerte, I thought sarcastically.
"So..." Thirdy is looking between the two of us with a huge grin. "Are you guys on a date?"
"Uh, no." "Yes!"
Fel and I both say at the same time, making Thirdy look between the two of us in confusion. Nagkaroon kami ng awkward silence ng mga ilang segundo bago ngumiti lang ulit si Thirdy at tinawag yung waiter para maka-order na kami.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero bigla akong napatingin kay Jho. At this point, nakaakbay na sa kanya si Thirdy pero napansin ko agad na hindi niya 'ko tinitignan. It's either she is looking down at her food or she would look between Fel and Thirdy but never at me.
What am I expecting, really? She already knew my feelings for her. Of course she would feel uncomfortable in my presence.
I quietly sigh and dismiss the thought. This is not the time to think about my feelings for Jho when Thirdy is just in front of us.
"So do you guys have any plans for Saturday?" Fel asks them while we wait for our food to be served.
"Pupunta kami ni Jho dun sa costume party." Thirdy answers, "Kayo ba?"
"Really? Pupunta rin kami ni Bea." Fel turns to me, looking suddenly excited. "I'm gonna be her date." She then clings to my arm and squeezes it as if to make me confirm that fact.
"Talaga? Nice."
For some reason, nakangisi sakin si Thirdy na parang may gustong ipahiwatig. I only roll my eyes at him and did not say anything to confirm nor deny what Fel just said.
I subtly glance at Jho and I catch her looking at me. Mabilis rin naman siyang nakaiwas ng tingin na akala mo hindi ko siya nahuli.
Huh.
Palihim akong napangiti pero pinigilan ko sa pamamagitan ng pagkagat sa labi ko. Tinignan ka siya ulit at nakita kong sinusubukan talaga niyang huwag tumingin sakin. Thirdy and Fel are discussing something about the party on Saturday but I am barely listening because I'm busy trying to catch Jho's eyes.
Gusto kong matawa sa itsura niya. It's pretty obvious that she's aware that I am looking at her but she's trying to act as if I'm not even there. Tumatango pa siya sa pinaguusapan ni Thirdy at Fel na akala mo interesado talaga.
I secretly smirk when an idea pops in my head. Tinignan ko muna si Thirdy at Fel na naguusap pa rin pagkatapos ay tumingin ulit ako kay Jho. Nakayuko na siya ngayon sa pagkain niya at iniiwasan pa rin akong tignan.
I carefully slide my foot beside hers under the table, gently pushing it to catch her attention. She tenses up at what I did. Nakita ko ang mabilis niyang pag angat ng tingin sakin bago siya umayos ng upo at nilayo ang paa niya.
Kinagat ko ulit yung labi ko para pigilan yung ngiti ko.
Hindi ko na siya ulit ginulo pagkatapos nun. Sakto naman dahil dumating na yung order namin at kumain na muna kami ni Fel. We stayed there for a while just talking and catching up on each other. This time, nakikisali na ako sa usapan pero si Jho hindi pa rin umiimik. Ngingiti lang siya or tatawa kapag may sinasabing ka-cornihan 'tong si Thirdy.
I can't help but notice her sudden sweetness towards Thirdy, though. Sinubuan pa nga niya ng nachos yung loko tapos kinurot pa niya sa pisngi na akala mo bata. Mukhang nag eenjoy naman yung isa at ang lawak ng ngiti habang nakikipagharutan kay Jho sa harap namin.
Napasimangot lang ako at napakuyom ng kamao sa ilalim ng mesa. Pakiramdam ko kasi sinasadya ni Jho na asarin ako dahil sa ginawa ko kanina.
Masama pa naman akong mag selos. I tend to do irrational things when I get jealous over someone I really like.
After a few more minutes, Jho stands up and excuses herself to the restroom. Felicia is now talking about the last class that she had and the pile of homework that she needs to finish during our break while Thirdy is doing something on her phone while listening to her at the same time.
Me? I'm busy watching Jho make her way to the rest room and debating whether I should follow her or not.
Nagpalipas muna ako ng mga dalawang minuto bago ako nagdesisyong tumayo sa upuan ko at nagpaalam na magre-restroom din.
Sakto naman dahil pagpasok ko, walang ibang tao sa restroom at isang cubicle lang yung occupied na alam ko agad na si Jho. Tumayo ako sa harap nito at inabangan siyang matapos.
Alam kong mali 'tong gagawin ko pero hindi ko na talaga kaya eh.
Please forgive me, Thirdy.
When she opens the door, I gently push her back inside before locking the cubicle again.
"Bea! Anong–"
I did not let her finish by immediately pinning her to the wall and resting my forehead to hers.
"Stop making me jealous, Jhoana." I carefully whisper.
Nakapikit ako at tuluyan nang idinikit ang katawan ko sa katawan niya. We are so close that I can feel her warmness and the fast beating of her heart. Naramdaman ko rin ang sariling pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko.
"Bea... may boyfriend ako."
I know. Please don't remind me.
I did not say anything but I did not make any move either. I just want to savor being close to her like this. Who knows when this will happen again?
Para namang may mga paruparong biglang nabuhay sa loob ko ng naramdaman ko ang biglang pag-angat ng mga braso niya at pagyakap sakin. I finally open my eyes and I see her looking back at me with that soulful eyes of hers and in that moment, I never wanted to kiss anyone as much as I wanted to kiss her.
Gosh, I want to kiss her so bad.
But... no, I can't do this to Thirdy. I can't betray our friendship like this. He will never forgive me if he finds out I'm doing this to her girlfriend. To the one he loves.
Umiling ako at dahandahang inilayo ang sarili ko kay Jho. I look at her face and I instantly see the conflict in her features.
Biglang bumigat ang pakiramdam ko dahil sa ginawa ko.
Stupid, Bea. You are so stupid!
"I'm sorry, Jho. Hindi ako nagiisip. Please forgive me."
Napakagat labi lang siya habang nakatingin sakin. Bakas pa rin ang pagaalala sa mukha niya.
"I did not even respect what you and Thirdy have," pagpapatuloy ko. "Wala akong karapatan magselos sa inyo. Sana mapatawad mo 'ko."
Nagbabadyang tumulo ang mga luha mula sa mga mata ko pero pinipigil ko dahil ayokong umiyak sa harap niya. Nagulat na lang ako ng bigla kong naramdaman ang mainit na palad niya sa mukha ko. Napatingin ulit ako sa mga mata niya at nakita kong mamasamasa iyon na parang maiiyak na din siya.
I close my eyes once again, leaning my face to her hand and softly kissing her palm.
"I'll stay away from now on. This will be the last time. Please forgive me."
It's the last thing I said before I completely let go of her and went back outside.
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A/N: sorry sa pinaasa ko sa chapter na 'to. short and sabaw dahil wala akong tulog. busy po kasi sa office dahil magpapasko na! need to finish all the deadlines before the holiday break.
thanks for reading and supporting! :)