Chapter 12
I woke up to the light streaming through the window. I looked around the room suddenly remembering where I was. I sat up in the bed before stretching out and loosening all the muscles up in my body.
I swung my legs out of the bed realising it was only eight in the morning. I needed to do something or I would get bored. I went into the bathroom and found a toothbrush and quickly brushed my teeth before brushing my hair until it was back in its usual straight hairstyle. I washed my face to freshen myself up.
I walked out of the room and up to the wardrobe where I opened it. There was a range of clothes, dresses, jeans, t-shirts, blouses, jogging bottoms, pyjamas and a variety of shoes at the bottom. Next to the wardrobe was a little cabinet full of underwear. That was when I finally decided to train for a bit in my room at my own pace. I thought it could help take my mind off of the things.
I changed into some black three quarter leggings and a sports top. I started by stretching out before I got down on the floor and began to do some press ups. I kept going not really keeping count of how many I was doing or how long I was doing it for. I kept going at a pretty fast pace as I began to felt the burn in my arms.
I then finally changed to doing sit ups instead. I kept going not realising how long I had been doing this for. I didn’t even notice when the key entered the lock and the door opened. I saw Xander walk in while I finished off a sit up. I stopped and sat up. He looked down at me inquisitively.
“What are you doing?” Xander asked, as he walked over to the desk and placed a tray with my breakfast down on it.
“I was doing some training. Something to take my mind off of everything,” I spoke.
“Ok,” Xander replied lying down on the bed.
“Just give me two second while I have a shower,” I spoke, grabbing some clothes out of my wardrobe and walking into the bathroom. I locked the door and quickly stripped from the clothes and put them in a washing up basket.
I quickly had a shower before blow drying my hair and changing into the clothes. I made sure I looked somewhat presentable. I was dressed in some black skinny jeans and a light blue tight fitting vest top. When I finally thought I looked fine and good enough, I unlocked the bathroom door and entered into the room. Xander was still sprawled over my bed and glanced my way when I entered the room.
He smiled at me and it dazzled me. I literally couldn’t speak. It made him look so natural and at ease. I smiled back instantly. I went over and grabbed the breakfast tray off of the desk before perching myself on the edge of the bed. I drank some of the tea first before tucking into the frosties. I ate in the comfortable silence just liking the close proximity to each other.
I finished the cereal and placed the tray and bowl on the floor keeping the cup of tea in my hands. I sat crossed legged on the bed with Xander still laid out beside me. I sipped at my cupper until it was gone and I placed that on the floor too.
Xander then pulled lightly on my shoulder pulling me down so that I was lying on the bed next to him too. His hand moved from my shoulder, down my arm to my hand where he entwined our fingers. It was silent for a moment or two longer before Xander eventually broke it.
“20 questions?” He asked.
“Go on then,” I replied.
“Favourite colour?” Xander asked.
“Totally original question. Green like the forest,” I replied.
“Mine is brown,” Xander replied.
“What do I need to know about your family?” I asked.
“Mmm. Well, you have met my dad, Tim. He likes to think himself as a bit of a comedian. My mum, Julia is such a nice person. She is one of the kindest people I have ever known. Then there is Jamie, he is 16. Two years younger than me. I trust Jamie with everything I have. Finally, there is my younger sister who is twelve called Molly. She is so talkative. Try not to get in a conversation with her. She will have you talking all day. So that is my family,” Xander spoke, his voice full of love, “Do you have any siblings?”
“No. I don’t have any siblings. My mum died on the day I was born and my father wasn’t a person for women. As for any other family, I don’t know. My mum was from a pack in England and my father was from a French Pack. I don’t know any other family,” I replied, honestly.
“I am sorry. Anyway, Christmas is nearly two months away. How do you spend Christmas or birthdays for that matter?” Xander asked.
“Umm. We don’t celebrate it. My father never wanted we to celebrate my birthday and the rogues don’t celebrate Christmas so I have never really had one before,” I replied, “What about you?”
“Once this is all over, you are going to celebrate Christmas with my family and I. I will make it extra special just for you,” Xander smiled.
“Xander, things could be a whole lot different by Christmas. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” I replied sadly.
“You know what. I don’t care what my pack say. I don’t care about their opinions. The Moon Goddess chose you to be my mate and me to be yours. It was fate that brought us together and I will certainly not deny it. I want to be with you. You aren’t the person that everyone thinks you are,” Xander spoke, confidently.
“No. You are a strong, Alpha. You must lead your pack. You have a strong and competent pack behind you. You shouldn’t give that up for me. You are the true leader of this pack and nothing should stop that. You can’t have a divided pack,” I argued back, I can’t let him lose everything for me.
He sat up suddenly on the bed and looked at me. His gaze from his hazel eyes was intense and serious. I sat up beside him and stepped up and walked from the bed. I paced back and forth with my arms crossed.
“You are my mate. You are worth me fighting for,” Xander exclaimed, as he stood up from the bed.
“You know nothing about me. I am a rogue. I could be lying. You don’t know me. You probably don’t want to know me. Just leave me, Xander. Reject me. Report me to the Council. That is the best things you can do right now,” I spoke.
I looked up at Xander and saw his eyes flicker black. His gaze turned even more intense as he looked at me. I shuddered lightly before putting my head back down.
“How can you ask me to do that?” Xander yelled, before storming out of the room.
He slammed the door and I heard the lock click into place.
“Because it is the right thing to do,” I mumbled, before throwing myself onto my bed.
I cried. This was the right thing to do. This was the selfless thing to do. I couldn’t let him risk the future of his pack and his family over me. His pack would hate him for taking me in as his mate. No matter how hard I would try, I don’t think my efforts would ever be good enough. It just wouldn’t happen. Trying to think otherwise would be just too optimistic.
Why me? I wanted a life. This wasn’t a life. I escaped from my father and made it here. Yet, here was worse. This was temptation. I am so close to a life I could have but it is still out of my reach. It was just at my fingertips but it is still miles and miles away. That is how I felt now and it was excruciating. My was heart breaking.
I don’t know how long I remained crying for before I heard the lock in the door click open. I sat up in the bed thinking that it would be Xander again but I was wrong. It was someone I really didn’t expect to be here.
“Julia?” I questioned.
“Yes. It is me. I just wanted to come and talk to you. Just Xander was in a little bit of a bad mood once he came out from talking to you this morning,” Julia explained for siting down on the edge of the bed.
I quickly rubbed away the last of my tears before looking at her again. She looked at me worriedly. I quickly rubbed my sore eyes from the amount I cried before daring to look at her again. She smiled warmly at me.
“Why are you crying? Is this what happened this morning between you two?” She asked.
I nodded not daring to speak. I kept my head down as I felt her comfortingly place her hand over the top of mine rubbing her thumb back and forth soothingly.
“What was said to have you both in this kind of state?” Julia asked.
“I told him to reject me,” I whispered.
“You what?!” She exclaimed, “Why? Why would you say that?”
I stood up and began to pace again. I walked back and forth constantly.
“I can’t let your son accept me. He deserves better. I am the Princess of the Rogues. I am a supposed mass murderer and heir to everything my father has done. That makes me as bad as my father. I can’t let him take on that kind of burden. I am a burden with a hell load of baggage. I can’t let him go against the pack and accept me. The pack would rebel. They would challenge him for the position of Alpha. Other packs will go against him because of who his mate is. I can’t bring that down on him or his pack. Therefore, he needs do the right thing,” I explained.
It was silent for a moment so I looked over to Julia who was deep in thinking.
“What about you? What about the right thing for you?” Julia asked, concerned.
I sighed and sat on the floor leaning against the wall. I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I looked away from her before answering her question.
“Does it matter?” I replied.
“Of course, it does. You are a person too. You have a life to lead. You need to have good moments too. Let me ask you some questions. Did you go to school?” Julia asked.
I was confused before I answered.
“No.”
“Do you have any friends?”
“No.”
“Do you celebrate Christmas and Birthdays?”
“No.”
“Have you been beaten or had physical pain inflicted on you?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to be the Princess of the Rogues or take over from your father?”
“No.”
“How many people have you killed?”
“One.”
“How many wars on the other packs have you been a part of?”
“None.”
“See, Jen. This is why you deserve a life. You answered honestly. I mean. You haven’t celebrated a birthday, you have no friends, you have scars. That isn’t a life. You deserve a life. I know you are trying to do the right thing but sometimes you need to do the right thing for yourself,” Julia explained.
“I can’t when I am the bad guy. I was part of the group the cruelly slaughtered all of those packs. I don’t deserve a life,” I replied.
“Can I ask you some more questions?” Julia asked.
I nodded, “But don’t tell any of this to Xander. He doesn’t need to know.”
She nodded in reply.
“Were you ever sexually assaulted?” She asked, gently.
I froze. I was close to being. So close to having that happen. I buried my head into my knees. I began to sob.
“Nearly,” I cried, “It nearly happened. My father ordered for the main general to forcefully mate me. It nearly happened but I killed him. That one person. My own father ordered it.”
I sobbed uncontrollably. I heard her walk over to me. She knelt down on the floor and hugged me close. I was rested against her shoulder as I sobbed uncontrollably. Everything hurt. My memories hurt and listing them all like that just made everything seem that much worse.
“All I ever wanted was my mother. My father killed her. He took her from me. I never had a childhood, school, friends and family. I wanted a pack like this full of friends, security and love. I want all of this. I want to be happy, cared for. I just want what everyone else has,” I sobbed.
“I know you do. This is why you deserve a life, sweetie. Don’t think otherwise,” Julia explained.
“Don’t tell Xander. He doesn’t need any more baggage. He needs to stay focussed on the war ahead right now. Don’t tell him,” I spoke, quietly.
“I understand. I won’t. This is yours to tell him when you and him are ready,” Julia spoke.
I nodded in understanding. I suddenly felt exhausted. I felt drained and it was only about 11:30. All of this arguing and revealing my emotions was draining. I shakily stood up from the floor and stumbled towards the bed. I sat on the edge with my head in my hands.
“I am sorry. You had to hear all of that,” I spoke.
“Don’t worry child. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. I am glad that is me,” She paused for a moment and saw that she was about to cry, “Your past, sounds horrific and I know you haven’t spoken everything. I am shocked you have had to go through all of that.”
I placed my head down and heard the door close and lock as she left. I heard the slight crying as she walked away from the door. My life isn’t any easy thing to listen too. I felt glad I had got some of it off of my chest to someone. I felt like I needed that.
I crawled under the covers falling asleep instantaneously. Everything about my life exhausts me. I fell asleep wondering what was going to happen. I wondered what the future may bring for me. I just hoped it would be something better than this. Anything could be better than this right now.
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