43. Life Is One Surprise After the Next
I'm still not used to this place. I know it's home, but it's not at the same time. I've had many homes in my lifetime: the house in Lawrence, Kansas; the Impala; my place in Rexford, Idaho; the bunker in Lebanon, Kansas.
Now, I have a place of my own. Okay, not technically my own, as I'm renting this place out. The rent is affordable, which works out. I still need spare money for essential things to keep on living.
I've been in this new place for...a few weeks now. I'd spent five months with Jody and the girls, and their hospitality astounded me. About two months into my stay, they'd thrown me a belated baby shower which had brought me to tears. They helped me find a place with a decent rate. Only problem was, was that the place was in another state that wasn't South Dakota.
So, I'm back to home base, in good ole Lawrence, Kansas. No, not in the house where my mother died. The town is a memory enough. Somehow, I feel comfortable in Lawrence. It must be because of Fallon. It has to be. I guess this is some weird way of me having her close to her family even though a lot of it is gone right now.
I'm cleaning a mess up in the kitchen that Sam forgot to clean up. Oh, yeah, I roped my younger brother into this place the first chance I could. He wasn't fond of it, but I think the main reason he stayed was because of his niece. He wouldn't have had incentive otherwise.
I'm sure that's where he is now, in Fallon's nursery. He's been with her any chance that he can get. That's saying more than what Cas has been doing lately, which has been missing in action. Two weeks ago, he'd disappeared on me, left no indication of where he went or why. He hasn't checked in since then.
Naturally, I've been feeling the effects of his disappearance. I haven't slept well, worse than normal. Sometimes I wait for him to pop up and scare the living shit out of me. I wanted it every day since he vanished. Each day I would be disappointed.
At this point, it'll be a miracle if he shows up, because my mind has already considered him a dead angel. Lord only knew what he did to get himself into serious hot water. My guess is that it hadn't been much.
I crack a smile at hearing Fallon scream with laughter from her nursery. The noise, and her alone, make me remember that I chose the right path. Being a mother is hard, especially with no guidelines on how to do it. Somehow, I've managed. I've maintained this life.
Sometimes, I get the feeling that that's going to change. That what I've built will be torn down again. And I dread how it can get torn down.
Once I'm done cleaning up the mess—peanut butter and bananas, I will never understand—I make my way to Fallon's nursery. I don't enter right away, I become an observer. Sam is hunched over her crib. He reaches in, pulling her out, rubbing his face against her. This is the most expression I've seen him have in a long time.
My daughter, the miracle worker.
"Do I have to worry about waking up to an empty crib one day?" I tease. Sam startles, and he grabs Fallon closer in case he drops her. I chuckle, and my little brother's face lights up like red Christmas lights. "It was cute, don't stop on my account. By the way, clean your mess up next time. I'm your sister, not your maid."
"Sorry," he apologizes. He glances down at his niece. She's grown more dark hair, and her features are more like Cas. Her eyes right now are blue, but they can still change over. "Guess you got stuck with two kids instead of one."
"Believe me, I've always gotten stuck with two kids, sometimes more than that." I step into the nursery. Fallon grabs at Sam's hair, he lets her tug on a few strands. "I've been tempted to cut that mop you call hair, but I think Fallon would cry."
"She would. Besides, I don't look good in short hair."
"Oh, how would you know? As far back as I can remember, you never had short hair. It was always a little too long."
"I'd rather not experiment."
"You've been spending a lot of time in here lately, with her."
"She keeps me distracted." Fallon puts a chubby hand against Sam's stubble.
I chuckle. "Nothing's gonna happen to her, Sam."
"Any word from Cas?"
I frown. "Not a peep."
"You worried about him?"
"Yes...and no. I'll tell you my final answer if he comes back."
"Sounds like I know your real answer."
"And what's that?"
"You've written him off as..."
"He's been gone for weeks, Sammy. No explanation. No contact. It's not entirely possible." The doorbell rings, and I sigh. "Wanna get that for me?"
"Sure." Sam leaves, handing me Fallon in the process, leaving me with my little girl.
I watch her. To be so oblivious to everything, I wish I had that ability. I wish I was young again. I wish I didn't have to worry every second of the day about her, about Sam. I've worried a lot more since I've had her, since I've left hunting. I've worried about her future, and Sam. I up until recently worried about Cas.
"You keep him happy," I tell Fallon. "You're his little spot of light. He really needs that right now." She coos, bopping my nose.
"Hey, Jo." I turn, seeing a rather pale Sam in the nursery doorway. "You might wanna come see this."
Before I can even ask for an explanation, my brother runs back down the hall. A little panicked, I follow Sam out to the front door. I stop abruptly.
Before I can get my body to move again, Cas picks me up off the floor (very carefully, as he acknowledges I'm holding our daughter), nearly squeezing the life out of the both of us.
"Where have you been?" I hiss to him once he sets me down, adjusting Fallon. "No explanation, nothing!" If I didn't have my arms occupied, I'd hit him.
"I-I know." He looks away sheepishly. "But I had good reason." Cas steps away, and I'm trying to believe what I'm seeing.
But he was dead. He saved the world by sacrificing himself. How...?
"Did ya miss me, Jo-Jo?" asks Dean.
My body has frozen, so has my mind. I'm not sure what to even say, or where to start. So he's why Cas disappeared. I feel slightly relieved at figuring that out. But I'm still really pissed.
"I swear I'm not a ghost." Dean walks to me, pushing my chin up—my mouth had apparently opened wide when seeing him. He's more focused on me than the baby in my arms.
"H-how...? You were...You had...that soul bomb..."
"Never needed it."
"What?" asks Sam, bewildered.
"Turns out all Amara and God needed was a heart-to-heart." Dean laughs nervously.
"You've got to be kidding." I smack my forehead. "We go through Hell, actually go to Hell, to try and find a way to stop her. God just talks with her, and the world is saved, just like that? What the hell! If it was that easy, we should've done that first instead of ambushing her!"
"Hey, I was just as shocked as you were." Dean put his hands up. "So, uh, Cas was telling me you had the baby."
"Yeah, I did." I tuck stringy hair behind my ear. "You want to meet her?"
Dean becomes this different person at noticing Fallon. She watches him curiously, since this is the first time they've met. He offers her such a tender smile that I almost believe that this isn't real. That I'm dreaming. That when I wake, Sam will still be here, as will Fallon, but Dean and Cas won't be.
"She, uh, she was born the day we thought..." I clear my throat.
"Sorry I missed out."
"Um, do you want to...hold her?"
I don't know why I even ask the question, because Dean's already ready for her. We make the careful transition, and I feel the fuzziness in my heart all over again, just like when Sam and Cas held her for the first time. Cas comes to stand at my side, and I lean against him.
"I should be mad at you," I whisper out of the corner of my mouth. "You ran off. You didn't tell me anything."
"I'm sorry."
"I think I can give you a free pass on this." I watch Dean with his niece.
"If he hadn't reached out, I wouldn't have found him."
"More like he would've found us, somehow," I muse.
"I hope you realize I'm probably not giving her back, right?" Dean teases. Fallon's patting his neck.
"Nobody's gonna want to give her up," I say. "Sam had a hard time giving her back, too. Boys are gonna be fun to scare away."
"Let us do that."
It's almost hard to believe. Dean is back, when I was sure he was gone for good. Sam and I have our older brother back. Cas and I are in a new life with our little girl. Now if only I could convince my brothers to drop the hunting and build a new life...
But I know that's asking far too much from them. The world's always gonna need their unsung protectors, the people who save the world from dark forces that others can't even begin to comprehend. And now that Dean is back in the game, that most likely means Sam's playhouse time is over. He'll want to hit the road again with our older brother, kick monster ass and take names. And Cas...I don't know what he'll do.
I find Cas and I looking at each other, unspoken words in the other's eyes. We both know we have a lot to talk about. But for now, we put it on the backburner. This is a happy time, one where the Winchester siblings are together once again. Fallon has both of her parents under the same roof.
It feels as though my world has righted itself.
**Sooo...yeah. Like I mentioned, Season 12 wasn't gonna happen. So it's a slight AU thanks to Cassette having the baby. So, some key things:
-It's been about six months since Fallon's birth
-In this case, Dean never met Mary. She never came back to life. He called for help, Cas found him
Okay, honestly, I'm a sucker for Uncle!Sam. He's just so cute with her <3**