"Maya!" Dr. Franz said as he saw me. "So good to see you again. How are you?"
"I'm okay," I said.
I really didn't want to be here yet here I was laying down on a chair and attending a session with my psychiatrist trying to fix my fucked up mind.
"So......what do you want to talk about?" He asked as he wiped his glasses.
"I have no idea, Doc."
"That's not how these work, Maya. You tell me what's bothering you and I tell you how to take care of it," he said. "Do you like music?"
"Depends."
"Classical Jazz?"
"Sure" I shrugged. "It's your office."
He pressed play on the remote and the sounds of jazz drifted through the room. It was faint in the background blending in with the smell of vanilla and the calm white walls of this room.
"Let's start over. What particular incident caused you to come to my office?"
"Where to start?" I mused. "I'm sure Agent Richards and Romanoff briefed you on why I'm here."
"Well.....from the beginning."
"Rhetorical but okay. Let's see. I'm here because my supervision field officer and my S.O. think that I'm too unstable to be out in the field just because I froze once during a mission."
"I'm sensing tension," he said. "Do you think that's true?"
"More like irritation," I scoffed. "And regrettably, yes."
"So we know why you're irritated and what caused that irritation but what I'm more interested in is what made you freeze," he said as he scribbled down some notes. "I did say that you have slight PTSD and in most cases, people with PTSD can be triggered by certain events."
"So you're asking me if I saw something?"
"Yes," he said.
"Actually, I saw someone." He remained quiet, urging me to continue. I knew I had no choice but to come clean about it. "His name is Amid Anwar and he's a jackass who caused me way too much trouble in the past."
"Was he abusive towards you?" Dr. Franz' eye flickered up for a moment. "Is he the reason behind your phobia?"
"Verbally," I admitted. "Sometimes physically and no, he's not."
"Boyfriend?"
"No," I said. "Not even."
"Family, perhaps?"
"In a way. Can we not talk about it? It's not exactly one of my favorite topics. Let's just say that my family and this Amid guy don't get along so well."
"Okay. We'll deal with that issues later," he said. "How about your phobia? How's that working out? Are you doing what I told you to do?"
"It's getting better. I was able to go to a social gathering recently, although it was a mission so I don't think it counts." I couldn't help but scowl at my lack of progress. "Okay. You know what? There is one thing that is bothering me that I want to get off my chest."
"Finally," he whispered to himself. Dr. Franz cleared his throat and got his pen ready. "Go on."
"It's just my lack of progress," I said as I twiddled my thumbs. "In everything actually. My phobia. My social interactions. Even my work. It's seems I'm stuck. It's frustrating."
"And how does that make you feel?"
Typical psychiatrist trick. Divert the question back to you so that you can answer therefore finding self awareness to your problem. In this situation, the question is: How does that make you feel?
"Helpless," I sighed. "Like I can't do anything right. Like I'm always gonna be a failure. Sure I know how to take down a grown man and how to interrogate somebody until they cry but what's the point if I can't live my own life at all? I'm afraid people are going to reject me because of--well, me, and I don't think I can live with that."
"Okay, let's tackle this issue one at a time. You feel helpless by a lack of progress and that's normal. You've been with the Avengers for at least two months. You'll just need more time. It's perfectly natural. Be patient."
"Patient?" I raised my eyebrow at him. "These people test my patience. They're lucky I tolerated them."
He ignored me and my tone, continuing on with his explanation.
"Your phobia? What contributed to your phobia?" I stayed silent trying to think of some excuse to tell him. I was really hoping that we would talk about this later. "The only way this will work is if you are honest with me. Just tell me. I'll keep this just between us. The higher ups won't hear a damn thing, I promise you."
I reached down to my wrist and pulled up my sleeve, exposing the marks that the cuff links left behind.
"My phobia is because of my powers," I traced patterns on the reddened skin. "It's because I'm afraid that if I touch someone, I'll hurt them."
I did hurt someone and it was an accident that I could never just forgive myself for.
"I was thirteen. You remember asking me how my peanut allergy disappeared?"
"That was during out very first sessions if I recall," Dr. Franz flipped through my file looking for some notes. "Here it is."
"My powers activated when I was thirteen. I didn't know how to control them and sometimes they surged at the worst times. There was one time when I was arguing with my mom----gods! It was such a stupid argument. I didn't know why we even argued," I placed my head in my hands. "I just snapped and I hurt her. I didn't kill her but I hurt her and I could never face her or anyone else after that. There was just this crippling fear that I could hurt someone innocent again."
"Interesting. A simple accident and you close yourself off from people at such a young age?"
"I replay that moment over and over, the expression on my mother's face when she realized her worst nightmare came true." I squeezed my eyes closed. "She must have thought of me as a monster. Someone like her shouldn't have forgiven me but she did."
"That's called unconditional love, Maya."
"Don't patronize me," I glared at him. "I swear I don't have an Elsa complex. This isn't Frozen."
"I actually preferred Tangled. No offense but did you even think that it wasn't your fault? That maybe you really closed yourself off because you couldn't bear to look at yourself---to let people see you for who you are? A girl who was just scared."
"That's ridiculous," I scoffed.
"Yes, fear is a ridiculous thing. Especially the fear of being weak. Nobody likes to feel weak but you know what? You can only become strong if you know what it means to be weak."
"Give a weak man strength and he'll know that value of it," I whispered.
"Dr. Ersklend Very good. I've read his papers regarding his serum for Captain America. Fascinating things that man wrote," he flipped through some pages. "Speaking of the Captain, how is your relationship with the Avengers."
"My only relationship is with Nat, Clint and Bucky. I have no other connections. The rest are formal."
"And why is that? Aren't you young? Shouldn't you do what young people do these days. Go to parties and meet nice young men?" He asked with a twinkle in his eyes. "Live life to the fullest and have various social media accounts?"
"Ha. Ha. Ha," I said, flatly. "I already tried the club scene and that's what lead to me not trusting them in the first place."
"No trust," he said.
"No team," I finished. "Yeah. You told me that."
"What did they do?" he asked. "They must have done something to make you lose faith in them."
"They invaded my privacy and constantly doubted me from the beginning," I raked my hand through my hair. "I was investigating something in my own and they didn't like it so instead of asking me about it they just go through my stuff. That showed that they didn't trust me so why should I even bother trusting them?"
I crossed my arms and leaned back into the couch.
Wow.
This was a really comfortable couch. I could practically fall asleep on it.
"But you gave them a reason for not trusting you. If you wanted to be in a team with them, doesn't that mean you have to be honest with them as well? Just because someone doubts you, it doesn't mean that you should doubt them as well. Do you doubt Fury? No. Does he seem elusive and secretive? Yes. But do you trust the man? Absolutely!" He leaned in. "Don't tell him I said that."
"I have reasons for my investigation," I defended. "And it's classified so how can I just give them that information. You must understand what it's like to hear classified information. You can't tell anyone or it's a breach in security. My reasons were solid!"
"I'm only here to listen, Maya," he said. I could see him placing the files on his desk and pouring a cup of tea. "Tea?"
"No thanks."
Not really into Tea. I prefer coffee, it keeps me up when I need it the most.
"Break it down and simplify it for me. I'll name each on of the the Avengers and you describe them using three words. How does that sound?"
"Fair enough," I shrugged. "It's confidential after all."
"Okay. Mr. Tony Stark?"
"Asshole. Asshat. And any other word that starts with 'Ass.'"
"We'll work on that later. Captain America?"
"Patriotic. Motherly. Brave in a stupid way."
"James Barnes?"
"Tough. Strong. Sometimes Funny."
"We'll work on that too. Dr. Bruce Banner?"
"Kind. Misunderstood. Empathetic."
"Clint Barton."
"Funny. Smart. Wise."
"Natasha Romanoff?"
"Also Smart. Strong. Friendly."
"Thor...Odinson?"
"Loyal. Courageous. Tall."
"Pietro Maximoff?"
"Fast. Sarcastic. Tricky."
"Wanda Maximoff?"
"Silent. Deadly. Kind."
"Oh, my. We have work to do. Sam Wilson?"
"Relaxed. Supportive. Fun."
"Vision?"
"Calculated. Caring. Odd."
"There's always progress. How about this very last one? Loki......dear gods...Laufyson?"
"Manipulative. Cold. Dangerous."
"Why so malicious to him?"
"He's just a reminder of what I could have become if Fury hadn't found me," I said. "He reminds me what it's like to lose control and lose everything because you give into your demons."
"Does that have something to do with your work? Whatever it is that you've been researching?" He asked me. "I once did a research study on people that I couldn't tell my wife because it was unethical to do so. It's not much but I know what it's like to do things behind the backs of someone you care about."
"It does. But it does have something to do with Amid. He's a part of the time when I was a monster. I don't want the Avengers to know about him because I don't want them to see me as a monster."
"As I said before; honesty is the best policy."
"But I've done things. I've killed people. Innocent people. Do you really think they won't think of me as a monster if I tell them, especially about who my family is?!"
"Do you regret your actions?"
"I don't see how---"
"Do you regret your actions?" He asked me again.
"Yes," I said. "I do."
"Then why should you think that you are a bad person if you feel guilty about the things you've done? Doesn't it make you a good person if you want to do the right thing?"
Isn't that just the million dollar question.
"It's doesn't work like that, Doc. It doesn't cancel it out. I'll always felt like I have to repent."
"You sound like your punishing yourself. Like you won't allow yourself a single ounce of happiness."
"I'm miserable," I admitted. "I'm hollow on the inside. I've always been."
"That's not healthy."
"I don't feel like I deserve happiness, Doc."
"I think your friends would disagree. Everyone deserves happiness."
I wanted to scoff at that but I didn't. He wasn't wrong but he wasn't right either. Not everybody deserves happiness. Some people just deserve to burn for what they've done.
I'm not trying to be a pessimist or an Anti Sue, it's just that there's too much blood on my hands and I don't know how to look away from it.
I wish I brought Natasha with me.
A shrill noise rang through the air causing me to sit up. My head felt a little lightheaded but overall I felt fine.
"Looks like time is up," Dr. Franz said as he stopped the timer. "I think we made very good progress today."
"Yeah. Sure." I stood up and stretched.
"Until next time, Maya. I'll see you next week," he said as I opened the door.
"Maya? Do you remember what I told you at he end of out first session?"
"Something about only I could change and it was all up to me?"
"Exactly, that one. I want you to keep that in mind. Just because you're making such little progress doesn't mean that you're changing. Always remember that it's the journey that counts, not the end point."
What cereal box did he fish that out of I wonder?
"I'll remember that. See you next week, Doc."
-------
I stripped off my jacket and kicked of my shoes before I even hit the bed.
"Tough day?" Loki asked.
Ugh. Why do I even bother locking the doors? He's just gonna sneak by FRIDAY again. Damn magic.
I didn't even bother answering him because I just grabbed the covers and curled up into a ball underneath them.
My body felt drained and heavy. Maybe it was because of all that talking I did today. I've never really laid it out in the open like that. When it came to topics like these, I always kept quiet about it. It was always better to purge it from my mind and move on.
However, I couldn't help but admit that my mind felt a little better. It felt lighter, almost like a feather.
I felt just a little bit free.