❝apologise (pronounced əˈpɒlədʒʌɪz or uh-pol-uh-jahyz), verb
to say sorry for something.❞
It was the start of June, and Elle was lying there, listening to Drew typing away on his laptop. Since the incident with Chad, he had been awfully quiet. She glanced over, and said, "Beanbag?"
"Mm?"
"You've been really quiet."
"Me? Nah."
"Don't lie to me."
He sighed, closing his laptop. "What do you want me to say?"
She simply looked at him. His hair was slightly messy, though straight, and he had tired bags under his eyes. He hadn't shaved in a few days, and though he didn't grow much body hair in general, he had some stubble. He wouldn't look her in the eyes, and she sighed. "Is it about Chad? When he came to... visit?"
He shrugged, playing with the bracelet on his wrist. Robin had given it to him a year ago, and it said 'Droo', with beads in his favourite colour, gold. She had told him very specifically- "I don't usually use my gold beads because they're special, but you're my favourite brother."
"Your favourite brother, huh?" asked Drew with a small laugh. "But we're not related."
"When you and Ellie get married, we will be," she had said cheerfully, before skipping away.
He wouldn't look up at Elle now, though, and kept fiddling with the bracelet. "Well?" asked Elle. "I'm not letting you not answer me."
"I'm just... I dunno. It gets to me, sometimes. When people think I'm gay."
She sighed. "I knew it. Babe, why should it matter?"
"You don't get it," he spat. "You don't know what it's like. What if, wherever you went, people called you a lesbo?"
"They don't call me lesbo," she said. "They call me a slut. A whore. I get it, Drew, I promise. You know how much hate I get on my Instagram page because I'm a famous sixteen year old?"
He didn't look up, but she saw the droplet fall onto his jeans from his eyes. "I just don't get why it affects me. I mean, why should it be an insult to be called gay?"
"You're not gay anyway, so it's fine."
He sniffled, his voice cracking. "Well, I'm not straight, either."
"Being bi isn't something you should be ashamed of," she said, softly but firmly.
"But it is. It is, and I hate it so much." He wiped his eyes, almost angrily. "You don't get it. You don't get it because you're straight, and I'm not."
"Drew-"
"Don't. Don't start telling me it's okay. I don't fit in with either group. I'm not straight enough for straights, and I'm not queer enough for gays. They say it's the LGBT community, but they completely disregard the bi people because we're just faking it, obviously. You're either gay or you're not. F*ck you if you're in between."
"Look at me, please."
He wiped his eyes, but the tears kept coming. A wall of emotion that he had blocked up for Elle's sake was spilling from the corners of his eyes, and now it was consuming him. Everything, from the fear of losing Elle to something beyond their control, to the fear that he would die never achieving what he really wanted, to the eternal world of loneliness that he was doomed to after Elle was gone. She reached over and took his face in her hands, brushing his tears away with her thumb the same way he had so many times. "It's okay," she said quietly. "I promise, it's okay."
"I just hate how people judge me and immediately assume I'm gay just because it's obvious I'm not straight," he cried. "I hate it, Ellie."
"I know, my darling," she said softly, and he burrowed his face into the crook of her neck, hugging her. "I know it's hard. But if I cared, would I date you? Would I willingly be your girlfriend?"
"I can't help but- but feel like you don't think I'm- I'm man enough-"
"Man enough?" she questioned softly, and she could see his ears going red. She kissed the top of his head, and held him against her chest, letting him cry. "What do you mean, man enough?"
"You deserve a guy who is manly, and who can protect you, and is super muscly, and hasn't got love handles, and doesn't have freckles and can grow a beard and-"
"That doesn't make sense. Who needs someone who's masculine? Not me." She smiled, looking at him. "I love having someone who I can talk about guys and shopping with, and having him agree with me? Both of us having the same taste in guys? What wouldn't a girl give to have both her boyfriend and her best friend bundled into one package?"
He sniffled, pulling away, and whispered, "Really?"
"Why would I ever lie to you?" she breathed.
"You wouldn't," he said quietly.
"Exactly." She leaned forward and kissed him gently, before pulling away and smiling slightly. "Don't you ever, ever think that you're not good enough for me. You're worth the world and more, do you understand?"
He nodded, and she smiled slightly, reaching over and touching his piercings in his ears. "Hey, you got the other one done too?"
"Y-Yeah."
"I love them," she said. "They suit you."
"You think so?"
"I know so." She smiled slightly. "I don't want you to be afraid anymore. I love you."
"I love you, too." He smiled in response, and she kissed him again, brushing his tears away. "I know you love me."
"But sometimes, I think I just need to remind you of that."
"Yeah."
"Hey, honey." Ryan walked in, holding Red, whose bright blue eyes were gazing around in serene wonder.
"Hi, Ma."
"Hi, Ryan.
She smiled at them both, and Drew immediately reached for Red, who he adored beyond anything. She handed her to him with a small laugh, and he held her tenderly. His heart slowed down as he cradled her. It was almost soothing, to see her slightly blotchy skin and her soft, thick blonde hair covering her forehead. "How are you, Ellie?" asked Ryan gently.
She shrugged slightly. "It's a good day."
"Yeah? Feeling good?"
"Better than I was last week." She gave her a small smile. "Where's Pa?"
"He decided to stay at home and look after the kids. He said he's missed them, and he wanted to talk to them again."
"That makes sense."
"Actually, Lola texted me today."
She perked up. "Lola?"
"Yeah. Said she was in town, and that she wanted to visit. She'll be here soon."
"That's awesome! I've missed her."
"It's good, yeah. I haven't seen her in a long time, too. How's she been?"
"Remember Darcy?"
"Darcy? Yes, wasn't he... part of the shooting?"
"That's him. They've actually been dating for a little while now."
"Oh? I'm glad she's gotten over Alex."
She nodded. "It was hard for her, but she made it through."
"I-"
"Hey, hey, hey!" said someone from the doorway, and Elle looked up to see her. Lola and... someone... were at the door, smiling.
"Lola!" she said happily, and held her arms out to hug her tightly. She wheeled into the room and reached over to hug Elle. "I've missed you so much!"
"I've missed you, too."
"How are you?"
"I'm actually really good, I- oh, wait! Sorry, Cassie. Ellie, this is Cassie, my cousin."
Cassie smiled and waved. Her eyes were a shade of blue that Elle associated with stormy morning skies, and her hair was a strawberry blonde that suited her pale skin. "Hi," she said softly. She seemed quite shy.
"Cassie's visiting from Europe to study here for a few months," she said. "She's your age."
"Really? What're you here to study?"
"Just physics and math," she said. "I love equations."
"I wish I was good at science and math. My boyfriend is, though."
Drew gave Red back to Ryan gently, and held out a hand for Cassie and Lola to shake in turn. "I'm Drew Greene. Nice to meet you."
"Pleasure to meet you, too." Cassie smiled and shook his hand, and Elle noticed how he couldn't seem to stop looking at her. She looked a little more, too. She was slightly taller than Elle, maybe by an inch or so, and she was perfectly proportioned, not like Elle's small chest and her birthing hips. She hated it, she looked like a pear. Cassie was better proportioned, with an hourglass figure not unlike Ma's, and she wasn't perfectly thin, but she wasn't fat- rather, attractively curvy. Elle gulped slightly. She was, in all truth, Elle's ideal of beauty. Elle wished she wasn't quite so stick thin. She wished she had breasts that weren't an A cup. She wished her hips didn't strain against every pair of jeans she wore. She wished that she had an ass instead of a flat, good-for-nothing... thing. She had the build of a dancer, and that was only a given. But she wanted more. Drew deserved more.
The fact that she wore only a tiny bit of makeup which enhanced her already flawless skin only pissed her off. Why was she so beautiful? Who the hell gave her the right?
But... there was something else, too. When Drew was talking to her, and made one of his stupid science puns, the way she laughed, by throwing her head back... and the way she stood, two hands in the pockets of her hoodie... there was something about her. Something that struck her as odd. She had no idea what it was, but it struck her as odd.
Either way, she was jealous of her, though really, she had no reason to be. Drew had just poured his heart out to her, surely he didn't like her anyway.
What was she thinking?! They had just met! Drew wasn't shallow, otherwise he wouldn't be dating Elle anyway. He wouldn't ditch her like that, even though she knew he had a thing for redheads...
Stop, stop, stop! He's not like that! He won't leave you for some chick he met five seconds ago!
He glanced over at her, and she gave him a small smile, and he smiled back, his eyes softening at the sight of her. She wasn't about to lose him, she knew better than that.
Lola held Red, they discussed Elle's diagnosis, and the fact that she would get to go home in a few days, thanks to the pills that would do the same job as her chemotherapy. She was excited to go back- to see Nita and to play with Robin and to have her own bed and room...
But she knew the risks- going back meant being trapped inside most, if not all of the time. She'd have to be extremely germaphobic, because even the slightest infection could send her to hospital. She wasn't going to be able to do much except rest.
It was home, though. At least she had that. And, of course, she had the liberty of going to Drew's house whenever she wanted him, and he could visit her whenever she asked him to. It would be better for them both than the goddamn hospital, anyway.
Lola reached out to hold Red, and Ryan smiled. "How've you been, love?"
"Better. Dad misses you guys, says you should come 'round for dinner sometime soon."
"No, I think it'd be better if you two came to ours. Your poor dad shouldn't have to make dinner for... what, nearly ten of us? Ellie, Nick, Robbie, Spence, Red, myself and Hunter?"
"Seven, hey? Planning on any more?"
"God, no. I mean, technically it's only three kids, but it just... got to more than that, I guess."
"Yeah. Well, a big family is always good. It's fun."
"It is, yes. Loud, but fun."
"Since Cassie's staying over, I got her a waitressing job at the cafe Darcy's dad owns."
"Oh, that's good to hear." There was something about Cassie to Ryan too. It was like she had seen her before. When she was younger, maybe, but seen her nonetheless. "It's good that you get to see her again."
"The last time was ages ago, yeah."
"Well, darling, Hunter's going to be home soon. I'll invite your dad over for dinner once Elle comes home from the hospital."
"Oh, yeah! Of course. I'll talk to you soon."
She and Cassie left, and Elle looked slightly saddened by something, but didn't say anything. Drew sat right back down beside her, and began telling her another story in a hushed voice.
Ryan, though, checked her phone. And she frowned.
Hunter: Who told Robbie that Elle's going to die?
<><><><><><><><>
"Elle isn't going to die," said Hunter firmly, while Robin sat in the back seat. "Who on Earth told you that?"
She didn't respond, just kept staring out the window. Spencer, wisely, stayed silent.
They had gone out for a day, going to a park and having lunch, and going to the museum, just to have a day out, since Hunter hadn't been with them properly since the tour had stopped. While they had gone to get ice-cream, Hunter finally managed to ask why Robin was so quiet these days. And that was her response. That she had heard that Elle was going to die.
Hunter glared at Phoenix. "Did you-"
"I'm not stupid, thanks," spat Phoenix. "Why would I tell them that?"
"So it's true?"
"It's not true."
"I just-"
"Who told you something like that, Robin?"
She didn't reply, still staring out the window. Spencer said, very quietly, "She did."
"She- who's she?"
"Elle did," said Spencer. "She was talking to Drew, and we heard."
"When?"
"She was saying that she wanted to break up with him and then Drew kept saying no and then she yelled that she was going to die and she wanted him to leave," said Robin, barely breathing between words and speaking quickly.
The crying, said a voice in Hunter's head. When you walked in on them both hugging and crying.
"Who was with you?"
"No one. Grandmama went to the nurse's office and told us to wait, and we were outside and we heard. But then she came and quickly took us away so we couldn't hear the rest."
"And I passed you in the corridor after that, didn't I?" he mumbled quietly as more of a statement than a question.
Robin nodded silently. "I just... got scared. And I didn't want to tell you that we heard."
"You heard it too, Nick?"
"I was with them. They wouldn't listen to me," he said quietly.
Spencer sniffled. "I don't want Ellie to die, Papa."
"She won't." He looked out at the road. "I'll make sure of it. I pinky promise."
*A/N: Hey y'all.
It's been a tough few weeks for me. Hell, it's been a tough year for me. I think you can tell that much, considering that I'm writing update to update now, and not twelve chapters ahead, like I used to be.
This book is, well... I'm getting through it. Forcing my way through it, purely because I don't want to stop now. I can't. I've invested two years into this series.
And I think in the next one (yes, there is a next one), I'll force my way through that, as well. There's not much more I can do. There's so much more story to come, and so much more before it all ends, winding back up at a familiar tombstone.
But I think after that, I'm gonna take a break. I dunno. Maybe by the time both this book and the next one is over, I'll be better.
But right now, everything's gone to shit. And I deserve nothing.
It's been a hell year, guys. I just need you to get that.
Any comments would be appreciated- I know the chapters are declining in quality, and I know it's not nearly as good as it ever once was. But there's nothing more I can do. I just want to get this done and over with, and I hate making you wait.
Look, I have ideas for this book. If I can execute them well, then maybe it'll work. But I think, after this book, I'm gonna try and write something non-fanfic. There's just been something wrong with me these few weeks. I've not been writing, or singing, or playing music, or baking... none of the things I used to do work to make me happy anymore. I just constantly fuck up, and then I lose more and more friends. And I deserve to lose them, too- I'm a bitch, honestly. I fucked up someone else's relationship, like, how does a person do that to their best friend?
I don't know.
I'm sorry. I'm trying my best.
I love you all, and thank you for sticking with me.
Nethii <3*