"You never realize the holes a person leaves behind until you fall into them."
—Neal Shusterman, The Dark Side of Nowhere
I lay in bed that night unable to fall asleep as was my norm ever since that day in the parking lot. I kept replaying Brian's words over and over in my head. There was one thing that really bothered me. What did he mean by not everything was about me? Because it sure felt like this particular thing was. And for the life of me I couldn't understand what it was with everyone and expecting me to just roll over and dole out forgiveness to those two morons. It's not like I'm asking them to break up or anything, all that I want is a little peace and quiet. A break from them. A vacation from my troubles to be precise.
I gripped my pillow and rolled onto my side, staring at the walls. My room was dark; the only light came from the streetlamp, casting a shadowy glow that fit my mood to a tee. My phone beeped and I raised my brow, wondering who on earth could be messaging me at this ungodly hour of— I reached for the phone and checked the time—eleven. Whatever, it was considered late to some people.
Can you let me in? I'm on your porch and I'm freezing my butt off! It was from Hailey. A part of me wanted to pretend to be asleep so that I didn't have to deal with whatever drama she was no doubt toting. I closed my eyes, deciding to let her wait. With any luck, she'd leave.
My phone chimed again. Totally forgot that I had a key. Then, Are you asleep? I snorted. That should have been her first thought. I quietly slipped out of bed and locked my bedroom door when I heard footsteps approaching followed by a series of giggles. Yep, I so wasn't dealing with her tonight.
After the day's events, I was feeling a bit alone. Half the time it felt as though she was on their side, along with my parents and all our family members if the numerous text messages and emails citing their concern for Katie because of my lack of empathy, was anything to go on. I should have been able to count on my best friend to offer moral support in times like these, but she was some best friend because I sure as hell could not.
"Taylor?" she whispered, knocking softly. "We need to talk. Let me in."
I pulled my pillow over my head and focused on my breathing. I just couldn't catch a break. I couldn't even be sad in peace without some sort of disturbance.
The doorknob rattled. "I have a confession to make but I can't do that with this door between us and I know that you're awake," she said louder this time.
My ears perked at her words but I forced myself to stay put. She'd obviously been drinking earlier. This "confession" of hers was an ongoing thing that we hashed out every few weeks. In the event that I did open the door she'd simply fall straight asleep and then the next morning claim that she was too drunk the previous night and had no idea what confession I was talking about.
God, I was so tired of everyone. I must've killed someone in a previous life because there was no way that this was just karma for being a bitch in high school.
"Okay, fine," Hailey said, giving the doorknob one final shake. "Good night, Taylor."
I listened for her footsteps retreating down the hall and relaxed when I heard the faint slamming of a door. I'd gotten lucky this time. If it had been the front door that she'd slammed, I'd have been forced to take her car keys away and let her spend the night but it looked like she was doing that all on her own.
I lay there staring at the wall until my body gave way to exhaustion and I finally fell asleep. That night I dreamt of the day that Brian left. It was a dream that I hadn't had in months, but this time it was different. This time I was there as a spectator watching the wreckage that would soon be.
In my dream I was about to leave for work when he walked into the bedroom that we shared. Dream me smiled at him and I reached out to her, hoping to shield her from the heartbreak that was coming. She walked right through me and unrolled her hair as he came closer. She stared at him, concern etched onto her face. He was silent, but the tears in his eyes spoke volumes.
"I'm sorry, baby," he whispered, taking her hands in his. "I hate that I have to do this to you."
She tried to smile, hoping that the pain that had already started in her heart wasn't what she thought it was. "Then don't."
"Tay..."
"Seriously. Don't say anything. Let's just not speak, alright?" she said, reaching for him. He broke away from her touch and held her hands more firmly this time. "Brian," she whispered. "Please don't do this."
"I love you so much, Taylor. So, so much," he said brokenly. "And I'm so sorry but I can't be the guy that you share your life with. You deserve more. So much more than I can give you."
Dream me didn't say anything. She simply stood there feeling like her world had just come crashing down—and it did. It came crashing with such a force that it knocked the wind out of her. She snatched her hands from him and felt behind her for the support of their bed before clumsily taking a seat. "Why are you doing this?" she croaked. "Why now?"
A few minutes had passed before he'd said anything and when he did, it was just as disappointing as he'd turned out to be. "It's complicated. I'm sorry." He barely dodged the picture frame that she threw at him. It went crashing into the wall, shattering to pieces just like her heart. He grabbed her before she could reach for another one that held a picture of them as a smiling couple. "Babe, stop."
"Don't touch me!" she yelled and I covered my mouth to muffle my whimper. Her pain was mine. Her sorrow, I felt just as deeply. I couldn't understand either why he'd just leave with an excuse as unreasonable as 'it's complicated'. After three years that was all that he had to say.
It felt like hours had passed before her sobbing had subsided but in reality it wasn't even five minutes. "Tay, look at me," dream Brian said, kneeling in front of her. "Please don't hate me."
"Don't hate you?" she asked in disbelief. "Don't hate you?" She wiped her tears and her snot away feeling like a train had just run her over. "What am I to do then? Should I love you instead? Because I do, Brian. I really do."
"I love you too," he whispered. "But I'm not the guy that you think I am. I'm not the right one for you and I am so sorry."
"Stop saying that you're sorry while you're breaking my heart!" she said sharply. Every apology was like a stab to her heart and his I love you's were just empty words that did nothing to ease the pain.
He stayed with her until she was no longer crying and only left when she got up and locked herself in the bathroom. I woke up then, bathed in sweat and tears. Brian had truly left his mark on me and the worst part of it was that I should have seen it coming. I should have noticed that he had barely spent the night in those last weeks and that he couldn't even look me in the eye. I'd rationalized that it was simply unrelated issues that had nothing to do with our relationship, but I should have known better. I should have prepared myself.
I wiped my eyes and stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. It was no use crying over him. He sure as hell wasn't wasting any tears on me.
After my shower, I found Hailey in the kitchen all dressed up, drinking a cup of coffee. "Good morning," she mumbled.
I nodded, filling a cup for myself. "You're heading back today?"
"Yeah," she groaned. "Daddy dearest promised to pull his tuition if I didn't start taking grad school more seriously and this time I swear he means it."
I sipped my coffee slowly, watching her as she poured the rest of hers into the sink. She was hiding something but I wasn't sure that I wanted to find out what. "Drive safely," I said when she hugged me goodbye.
"I'll call you when I land. Try not to miss me too much and don't even think about replacing me with Jamie."
I laughed as I walked to the door. I slung my bag over my shoulder and grabbed my keys while she checked her reflection one last time in the hallway mirror. "You look fine," I said when she joined me.
She stared at me with tears in her eyes. "I'm really gonna miss you, Tay," she whispered.
I rolled my eyes, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me. "Of course you will." When she laughed, I hugged her. "I'll see you in a few months, right?"
"Right," she said, wiping her eyes. She popped the trunk of her car and took something out of one of the smaller suitcases in it. I chuckled when I realized that it was her makeup kit. "Love you," she said, walking back to the front.
I leaned against my car watching as she got into hers, before doing the same. She waved as we headed in opposite directions. Me to work and her to the airport.
I wasn't sure that I'd miss her all that much. If anything, her absence would give me room to think clearly. I heaved a relieved sigh and pulled into the bookstore's parking lot. I was looking forward to a little me time without Hailey and if that made me a bad person, well I was taking enough of a beating from karma that it shouldn't have even mattered.
"When was the last time that you did something fun?"
I glanced at Jamie from my post behind the cash register and furrowed my brows. "You know, I honestly don't remember."
"Good," he smiled. "That's just perfect because you and I have a date with destiny." He gave me one last smile before walking away. I shook my head and rolled my eyes when Connie hi-fived him. They were always up to something but maybe this time I'd actually give hanging out with them a chance. It couldn't possibly be worse than hanging out by myself, right?
Wrong. As the day wore on, hanging out by myself sounded like a really great idea. Just me, myself and a bottle of Chardonnay. Yeah... I was so bailing on whatever they had planned. "Thank you for shopping," I said to the customer whose books I'd just bagged. I gave him his receipt and closed the register, glad to be done for the day.
Taking care to avoid my co-workers, I slipped into the employee lounge to grab my belongings. I was almost out the door when I was intercepted by Jamie. "You wouldn't be leaving, would you?" he asked with a frown.
"I've had a long day."
"We've all had the same day."
I scrunched my nose. He did have a point. "Fine. I don't feel like going anywhere today. I just wanna head home to my bed."
"That's not an option. Connie's making sure everything's locked up and then we're going to have some fun," he said, taking my bag. "You can either hang back here until she's done or you can wait outside. Your choice."
I gave up. "May I have my phone, please?" I asked, sighing when he reached into my bag and gave it to me. "I'll be here." I took a seat on the ratty sofa and pulled my legs up, sighing into the silence. My phone buzzed in my hand and I glanced warily at the screen where Mom popped up. I groaned but answered anyway. "Yeah," I said glumly.
There was silence on the other end and I sighed and leaned back. She was in one of her moods which usually meant that I was about to be lectured. Well, I had news for her; I was in a mood of my own and had no intention of being yelled at. I was about to hang up when I heard her sniff. "Why are you treating us this way, Taylor?" she asked with a slight pitch to her voice. "We're your family—"
"Only because I didn't get to choose a better one," I cut in. Who knows, maybe my lack of compassion when it came to dealing with this woman was the reason for my extremely horrid bout of karma.
"We'd choose you."
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, well you didn't. You never do." They always, always chose Katie over me. Normally I brushed it off and locked away those feelings but this time the wound went deeper than the surface. This time it had indefinitely divided us.
Jamie poked his head in and signaled that it was time to go. I pointed to my phone and he mouthed five minutes. With a nod, I tuned back into the conversation. Mom was rambling on and on about how much she hated that I was acting like this. "Acting like what? Like I've been betrayed? Because I assure you that I have," I said angrily.
"Nobody has betrayed you," she said pleasantly, which made it all the more condescending. "You're casting blame where there simply isn't any. This is nobody's fault but your own. I know it and you do too, you're just too stubborn to realize it."
I closed my eyes as a single tear slipped out. "Do you really mean that?"
"Of course I do."
Silence.
"Taylor?"
Click
I sat there long after I'd hung up, hating my life more than I ever had before. It was amazing how easy it was for her to crush my spirit. And the worst part of it all was that she had no idea just how devastating her words could be. Whether I was twelve or twenty-two, her dismissal stung all the same.
"Time's up," Jamie called from the other side of the door. I picked myself up and joined him and Connie by the entrance, determined to keep my emotions in check. "You okay?" he asked, studying my face.
"Never been better," I said a little too brightly. He put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head but didn't push the issue.
Hate was probably my favorite emotion, I thought as I followed Jamie's car out of the parking lot. It was by far a whole lot stronger than love in my opinion. Love was fleeting, but hate— hate endured. I turned off the air conditioning and rolled down the windows, deciding that I needed fresh air. I was feeling stifled by everything that had happened in the last week and short of screaming, that was my only other choice.
I pulled in behind Jamie at the local sports arena where they housed everything from pitches to swimming pools. He got out of his car and beckoned me over to where he stood with Connie. I turned off the engine and took a deep breath. When I joined them a few minutes later, I was feeling even worse than before. "I'll meet you guys in there," I said, reaching into my bag for my cell. "I'll just be a quick minute."
I called the only person that I knew who might be able to put a smile on my face because I just couldn't do it on my own. I got Nathan's voicemail but just hearing his voice on the other end made me feel a bit lighter. "Hey," I started off, glancing at the sky. "I, uh... I don't really know why I called, I just needed a dose of you, I guess." I laughed nervously and kicked the dirt. "So, uh...call me, alright?"
I found Jamie and Connie in one of the batting cages. I leaned against the fence and observed them for a minute. They looked so happy that I almost didn't want to disturb them with my misery. I thought for sure that the grey cloud that loomed above my head and occasionally pelted raindrops was visible. Connie's laughter drifted my way and I perked up. She put her hand on Jamie's shoulder and they doubled over laughing. I couldn't stop the smile that tugged at my lips. Laughter, I decided was almost as powerful as hate.
"Hey," Jamie said when I stepped into view. I nodded at him and took the helmet that Connie offered.
"Let's get this show on the road," Connie said with a smile so infectious that I unwillingly returned it. She swung her bat over her shoulder and I went back to standing on the sidelines. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out, making up my mind right then to have some fun before I went home to the darkness that awaited me.