For the first time in months, I went to school without having done anything to my appearance. I didn't feel like bothering. I had scraped my hair into a messy bun and shoved on a pair of glasses instead of my contact lenses. I had found that it hurt to even look at a screen or anything that included having a light in my room and I kept squinting in order to see things. There wasn't a trace of foundation, blush or eyeliner on my face but that was the least of my worries.
Sure, it felt weird to silently walk through the corridor without cosmetics shielding my face but I had found other things to put my time into this morning. I only got a two hour nap before I started tossing and turning and I could no longer fall asleep. I had tortured myself with thoughts of the past week before I decided to get up and write. But even putting words on paper didn't satisfy my brain. The atmosphere of the story was so dry and everything so two dimensional that I slammed the laptop shut and angrily threw my uniform on.
It was only us that knew about Janelle's death. Mum hadn't even told Gina and Amy was silent with Jess and Ryan. I didn't want to speak either- all I wanted to do was to be alone and distract myself. The thought of telling everyone what had happened drained me and made me want to run away to the farthest point of the world. But there was pretty much no place in the school where there wasn't a student or a teacher lurking around. I either always had someone's eye on me or a teacher putting up the 'poppet, you need to go outside' type of crap to get me out of the building. I didn't want to go to Room 7, I didn't want to speak to my friends or classmates or anyone- I didn't want to pretend that I wasn't hurt but it was too painful to speak about.
I sneaked into the cleaning supplies cupboard half an hour before school began and got out my notebook. It had been a long time since I had taken it out of my bag and leafed through cringy poems before finding a clean page and writing more. I had always written down notes and poems when I was sad or feeling overwhelmed and it had become a bit of my safety blanket. Words had become my protection and purpose when all I heard was people sniggering and commenting on my acne. Several pages in the notebook were dedicated to my severe case of acne from year six and still going strong. I whined on and on about wanting to be one of those flawless girls who had perfect hair and skin and didn't look like she did the one hundred coats of foundation challenge each morning. But I didn't care. My notebook couldn't complain or judge me if I let loose and wrote down everything I felt.
I started scribbling down a few stanzas of a poem I most probably wasn't going to share on 'Pen and Paper'. It was for my own self pity. Sad I know.
Dead Light
Our light has been born,
So new and innocent to the world
And finally ready to be separated from its
Mother of the Moon.
Her cry is bells in our ears,
Her small body warm and tender
Her lungs are filled with flowers
that will sweeten her pure words.
Flowers, flowers, flowers;
Light-hearted tulips
Flaring crimson roses
Cerulean Forget-me-nots
All bright in the lungs of her siblings,
But fray and dry in the arteries of her heart.
Diamonds stream
from Father Sun's eyes
as the flowers become devoid of the colour
that will save her from suffocating.
And as the dead light is taken away
from the fragile Mother Moon,
screams and torrential downpours of tears
fill our hazy universe.
I buried the A5 notebook at the bottom of my bag and got up. The bell was about to ring and I wanted to keep it together, until the end of the day. That seemed like the hardest task I'd had in a long time but I was willing not to cry at school. I could cry myself to sleep for all I knew but I was going to buckle down, hustle with schoolwork and writing and make no time for crying.
Trudging to my form room, I blinked back my tears and tried to think about something else other than my current situation. I was already losing at trying not to show my emotions show. I passed Amy in the hallway and she gave me a nod as Jessica and Ryan continued questioning her. The morning was gloomy and bleak, smelling of petrichor and I was happy that it was going to rain again. Getting out of PE was just what I was in the mood for.
"Hope! What's up, how's Janelle?" Love smiled at me and I managed a weak twitch of my lips before I lied through my teeth.
"She's good." I knew it was a selfish act of me to lie, but I wanted to keep it to myself, just for a bit and I would eventually tell them. God knows when that would be, I felt like I was stranded in never-ending misery.
"Cool. Faith and Grace are at the swimming gala and Prudence is off sick." Love informed me, sitting down next to me.
"What happened to her? Why is she sick?"
"Food poisoning," Love said. "She'll be right as rain for the trip though."
An additional worry niggled at the back of my brain- perhaps Prudence was bulimic. According to Love, Prudence was still on a diet and had lost quite a bit of weight over the past three months. But she would tell us if she was anorexic or bulimic, right? Or would she?
I was startled away from my thoughts and my brain focused on the lengthy cafeteria queue before me. More specifically; Love, Amethyst and Kaydence having a full-blown verbal fight while Sav and Alice stood on the sidelines like awkward turtles, not knowing if they should join in.
"You're not part of our group anymore! You're spending so much time with those losers and you haven't talked to us in weeks!" Amethyst screamed at Love.
"OK, I'm really sorry-"
"Sorry doesn't cut it! We're your best friends!"
"They're my friends too!" Love raised her voice, attracting the attention of a few passers by.
"So make a blooming choice then!" Kaydence snapped. "Us or them."
"I- Why are you making me do this? If you were my so called best friends, why are you making me choose between people? You're all my friends."
"I can't believe you have the audacity to defend them when we've been with you through thick and thin."
"Why are you making a huge deal out of this, all of a sudden?"
"Because I'm fed up with you being a cow, just like your fatso of a sister!" Amethyst fired back. Love was at a loss for words for a moment but then she opened her mouth and spoke in the calmest, most quietest voice I had ever heard her talk with.
"Is that what you really do then? Talk behind my back about me and my sister and my friends? Is that how low you want to steep?"
"I was only doing it so it could still keep your popularity up! Keep people talking. Since you started hanging out with them, you've been at rock bottom."
"If that's your idea of friendship, then you have gotten it very very wrong. At least they're my real friends who don't lie or talk behind my back,"
I swallowed down my guilt as Love stormed off and Amethyst and Kaydence stood open-mouthed for a few seconds before they stormed out of the cafeteria as well, Savannah and Alice hot on their heels.
The days continued with me being completely silent and spending my breaks in the library, stuffing my face with food while writing. I had told the girls that I had a lot to do for the newspaper- which wasn't exactly a lie- but I needed some time on my own. Love hadn't said anything about her former friends and mostly got on with things, being unlike her usual bubbly self. Well that made five of us. Grace was still trying to get over Alexander but he was all over the school with his new girlfriend, Faith was still grieving her parents' divorce and missing her mum, and Prudence was too busy catching up on the amount of work she had missed. It had turned out that she needed more than one day off school to be feel well.
The computers in the library were taken up by GCSE students again so I had to get out my notebook and work on Gorgon's blood there, along with more notes and crappy poems. It was a 50p hardcover I had found in WHSmiths during the Black Friday sale a few years ago. It was a map of the world and the countries I had once circled were faded out.
"Hope!" I didn't want to look up and have to interact but I did so anyway. Ryan and Jess dragged Amy into a seat at the table I was sitting at.
"What's up?" my voice quivered and I ignored the soreness of my throat.
"What's going on? What happened with Janelle?" Jess got straight to the point, crossing her arms over her chest and looking me straight in the eye.
My voice went weak and I pursed my lips. I was not going to cry. I was not going to cry. I was not going to cry. I was certainly not going to cry in front of the librarian that was giving me death glares for eating pizza, or the snooty kids looking me up and down. I blinked and slumped against my chair.
"Hope?" Ryan spoke up. "What happened? Amy hasn't said anything all morning, she didn't even argue with Mr Dollson! That is practically calling for emergency!"
"I-I, um-"
"For heaven's sake!" Amy scolded. "Hope, answer them!"
Tears were already welling up in her grass green eyes and I had to swallow and blink a few times before mine were safely hidden behind my eye sockets.
"I, er, I don't know how to say it."
"Just spit it out!" Amy said, her face already tearstained.
"Why do I have to explain it?" I raised my voice just slightly. "You can see how much pain we're both in."
"You don't show it," Amy remarked. I closed my eyes for a few seconds before facing them once again. At the moment, Amy had the IQ of a goldfish. In fact, even lower than that.
"I can react however I like, Miss Dim-Witted Donkey," I snapped at her. "What the bloody hell makes you think that I don't cry myself to sleep, just like you? The whole world doesn't revolve around you and you need to blooming realise that."
"Why are you making such a big deal?" Amy said. "What's happening?"
"I don't know what is going through your brain at the moment but I also miss her. Janelle died. That's it. End of it. I hope your question has been answered to your satisfaction and that my sister is pleased that she didn't have to say it," I answered, picking up my stuff. "Pick up Martin at quarter past three. He doesn't like waiting."
I went out of the library and into the cleaning supplies cupboard for another round of crying. I'm never making promises that regard my emotions ever again.
***
I never really realised how much of a bad writer I was until I sat down and wrote. And I mean wrote. Not cramming in a few hundred words a month and calling it art. No, I sat down and wrote ten thousand words in a week and a half. I reached the one quarter mark and kept going. I was constantly writing; at school, while eating, homework breaktimes.
I was still completely miserable but at least it was keeping me working and distracted and I had no energy to torture myself with thoughts at night. The Darwins had tried taking us bowling to cheer us up but it was no success. Amy started crying in the middle of the game and I didn't want to look up from my phone because I was writing.
It was Wednesday night, two weeks after Janelle's death, and I was lying in bed and not wanting to pack for my camping trip. I didn't even want to go now that I thought about it- the image of not being at home with my blankets and cushions and technology made me squirm. I would have to sleep in a tent with four to five other people and share bathrooms and do activities that were out of my physical potential's league. But I was still going to go, whether I wanted to or not. Mum had already paid for it.
I got up, switching on the light that made me flinch and want to dive under my duvet once again. I put on a random song and began taking things out of my wardrobe and crossing them off my list. Amy was revising with Ryan and Jessica round their house and Mum was getting Martin ready for bed. There was still no sign of Paul, even after two weeks and I had only become aware of his absence few days ago. While he had lived with us, I pretty much didn't speak to him because I had so much to do and his presence had gone unnoticed in my brain while he had lived with us.
My sleep was nightmareless, thanks to the amount of sleep tea I had had before going to bed. Mum had prepared me a small jug of it and suggested I went to sleep earlier because I had to be at school at six in the morning. Amy returned around 10pm and plunged straight into bed, not even bothering to eat or say goodnight. She still hadn't apologised for the unnecessary hissy fit she threw last week.
My eyes drooped in exhaustion when my head hit the pillow. I had enough time to recount what I had accomplished today before I was knocked out. I woke up to Mum shaking me awake and placing a hot chocolate on my bedside table. The sun was rising and I watched as the sky transformed from purple to red to orange and so forth. I thanked her and silently slipped out of my comfy, oversized pyjamas and into old clothes that made me look like a hobo. At least this camping trip gave me an excuse to look like a hobo in public. Getting ready is overrated. And I'm gross.
I breathed into the fresh air as Mum and I walked to the car. Amy had woken up and had the responsibility of helping Martin get ready for school while Mum sent me off. The sun had fully risen and the light streamed through the car windows as the engine came to life and we sped off.
We had the usual sappy goodbyes and I got out of the car, dragging my stuff behind and walking up to Prudence where I set my stuff down.
"Morning," I said.
"Good morning to you too," she sipped from her travel mug. "You got anything interesting to read for the trip?"
"Yeah," I replied, opening my bag and searching for my book. "I'm rereading Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. You?"
"Haven't got anything. I was going to get a book from my locker but teachers are patrolling the hallways so we can't get in," Prudence sighed. "I can't go two hours travelling without doing anything. I will literally go insane. OK, maybe not literally but you get what I mean."
"Then you make a way to get in," I said, putting my stuff down. "Come on, let's sneak in!" Prudence was dressed in an olive green hoodie and grey leggings, her hair twisted into a knot on the top of her head. I had prepared a black hoodie and black leggings. Real colourful, I know.
We made a run for it to the doors near the cleaning supplies cupboard and the locker rooms. There wasn't a teacher in sight and we made a clean and swift journey to Prudence's locker. She wrung it open and we were met with a rainbow of books which I could only ogle at for a few seconds before Prudence shut the locker. I gave her my seal eyes but at that moment, she grabbed my arm and forced me into the cleaning supplies cupboard.
"Mum, pleaseeee- ahhhhh!" I turned on the lights to see Love sprawled on the floor of the tiny cupboard, snot forming a moustache around her thin, pale, devoid of lipgloss lips. Her eyes were puffy and she wiped at them, smearing the tiny amount of mascara she had applied. "Mum, I'll call you in a minute. No I'm not going to be late, it'll only be a minute. I need you to come and pick me up. I can't deal with Amethyst and Kaydence any more. Please. I'll do Prudence and Adam's chores for a month. OK bye."
She ended the call and wiped at her face with her baby pink jumper. "What are you two doing here?"
"I was getting a book and a teacher was coming," Prudence explained shortly. "But more importantly, why are you crying?"
"I-I just don't want to endure three days with Amethyst and Kaydence breathing down my neck with insults. They always make me feel like a worthless buttcrack."
"What did they do?" Prudence asked. Love explained about the argument that they'd had and tears rimmed her brown eyes.
"They've been horrible to me for a long time and frankly, I've had enough of it. They make me feel small from something as simple as wanting to work in a creperie and calling me a swot because I get top marks in French." she sniffed. "It's stupid, I show everyone respect and they treat me like dog crap."
"How long has it been going on for?" I questioned.
"About 2 years. They've been calling Prudence all these terrible names as well and forced me away from hanging out with her. They'd always said that they were being my true friends when Mum had reported them of bullying, but I've had enough of their obsession with popularity and appearances."
Prudence slung an arm around her and Love sank into her like a defeated puppy. I let them have their rare sister moment, mostly because it was rare for me and Amy to be sentimental and sweet to each other.
"You don't have to speak to them. You can just hang out with us and ignore them," I suggested, getting to my feet.
"I will. And then I will report them and make sure they get the consequence they deserve," Love said determinedly.
"And how will you get your revenge?" I asked.
"Mum has always taught us to kill it with kindness but for once, I will be the devil. They'll have a nice mudbath just like the pigs that they are," Love announced.
"I like your way of thinking," I commented, smirking. Sweet, sweet revenge. We both turned to Prudence who flinched and squirmed away. Love raised an eyebrow and Prudence opened her mouth.
"Well, count me in, I guess."
"Great, let's go and tell Grace and Faith."
"Grace is a cinnamon bun. You can't expect her to have a katty fight that involves mud! She's innocent!" Prudence said as we jogged outside.
"A cinnamon bun who could kill you is the right term, dear friend."
With that, we told them our idea. At least it stopped Love from leaving and made her feel better. By the way, Grace was totally up for it. Cinnamon bun with a black soul, I like it.
A/N Ola from Portugal! Apologies for the boring chapter but this is kind of like the introduction to Love and Prudence's sides of the story and I wanted to include a bit about how Hope deals with the death of her half-sister. The next chapter is much more fun; it's about their experience at the camp. I really wanted to put this chapter up so I'm currently in the lobby of the hotel, editing and writing. There's barely any WiFi and there's no access to the internet in the hotel rooms so ya girl is just slightly sad. Oh well, that doesn't stop me from writing on Microsoft Word, I guess, so I shouldn't be complaining XD. Song for this chapter is 'Faded' by Alan Walker because I just feel like it portrays the aftermath of Janelle's death and it's an absolutely beautiful song. Apologies for the lack of action in the chapter but I will see you next week with a much more exciting chapter.
Antoana