(Flashback in italics)
--
I rushed home after work wanting to tell Vic about what had happened at the restaurant. I still didn't know how I felt about it. I could feel my body vibrating, but what was it from? What emotion was causing it? I knew if I told Vic I wouldn't have to think about it anymore, he would do it for me.
When I entered our crap apartment, the lust-filled noise of desperate, hungry moans hit me. It made me feel sick. Defiantly not something I wanted to hear right now. I was tired and confused, and needed a nap maybe. I didn't want to hear sex noises.
I made my way to my room, trying to block out the sounds I knew were coming from Vic's room. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I opened my door and found Aaron casually sat on my bed. I almost shed my skin because the fear was bigger than my body and was frantically trying to find a new one.
"W-what are you doing here?" I asked him.
"Sarah wanted to see Vic, I wanted to see you." It was simple, and the words still managed to make my chest flutter. What was going on in there?
"Oh." I said. I wasn't really expecting this, but I wasn't at all about to deny the company. Aaron stood from my bed. It wasn't made and the clothes I wore last night were tangled in the sheets. I don't think he cared, but I still felt the need to apologize.
Aaron came to me where I still stood by my door. His hands fell to my body like a magnet. One of his hands rested flat on my chest until he used it to push me back so I was against the door. Aaron was smooth. He knew exactly what to do. I, on the other hand, was awkward and didn't really know how to work my body or even how to stand. I just let my limbs go dead in their place.
"I waited here for an hour," He said, bringing his face close to mine. His breath smelled like he had just brushed his teeth. I was swimming in mint, no, drowning in it.
"Sorry." I offered.
"You sure do like taking your time coming home, huh?" His lips were just over mine, but he didn't kiss me. How could he do this? it was getting tortuous. I could have kissed him myself, but my lips were also dead in their place. I would have to wait for him.
Aaron dropped his hand from my chest, letting it fall slow, just barely letting it touch me as it got to the top of my pants, and then he pulled it away from me completely. He was really the worst.
I wonder how this has happened? How had I gone so long with such little physical affection with a partner, to now this? It was like Aaron had flipped a switch in me and now I was like a lust-driven teenager.
But it wasn't like Aaron was my partner, he was just my...I don't know.
I thought about the fortune cookie that was in my pocket, the one that said love would be coming my way. Part of me thought logically, remembering that fortune cookies are a bunch of hocus pocus and there was no way a piece of paper slipped into an 'okay' cookie could determine my future.
But then there was the impractical, optimistic part of me that thought that I was destined to get that exact cookie. I didn't think I was in loved with Aaron or anything, but maybe I could be. Maybe I would be his boyfriend and one day I could fall in love with him. Maybe that cookie with its fortune that is burning a hole in my pocket was about him.
When I fell back into reality, Aaron was at my neck, kissing it and making my dead legs come back to life, just to fail me. I could feel myself sliding lower and lower against the door. I was useless.
"Am I your boyfriend?" I asked because I was awkward and I ask things at wrong times. So instead of moaning or something practical, I ask about our relationship.
Aaron pulled back, enough to look me in the eyes. His were darker than usual. They weren't their normal creamy color that made you feel like you were swimming, but they weren't threatening either.
"Yeah...you're my guy." He said, and if he wasn't holding me up against the door, I would have fallen right through the floor.
Aaron and I had sex. It was different this time. The first time I was so conscious of my body, but now I knew that Aaron liked it, and it made me feel better. Besides, I was his guy and he sure made me feel that way. The way our bodies melted into each other felt amazing. I was over the moon. No, farther than that. I was just floating out in the galaxy.
--
It was Wednesday and me and Vic's schedule had finally synced up so that we both had a day off. Him from school and me from work. Vic actually went to college because he was smart and I knew he could become something really incredible like a teacher or a doctor, even though he was just majoring in English.
"You going to the store?" Vic questioned as I entered the kitchen.
"Wasn't really planning on it." I responded as a no.
"Well I went last time," He stated before tossing me the keys. I thought back to the last time either of us went to a grocery store, and remembered that we went together, but I didn't mention it and just sighed before heading out the door.
"Get macaroni and cheese," He called out to me last minute. I responded with a gentle middle finger in the air.
I hated going to the store. I never knew what to get and always felt awkward around the families that were shopping for proper meals, while I was just buying pizza rolls and ramen because I didn't know how to cook, nor did I have the time. But it doesn't surprise me that I don't know how to cook. My grandma would always try and teach me, but I would rather be with my grandpa. I liked being with him because he was like a real 'manly man' and that was all I wanted to be. I wanted to be just like him. So even though I loved my grandparents both very much, I favored my grandpa in the sense that I would rather sit with him and watch football while he let me have sips of is beer when Grandma wasn't looking, opposed to learning how to make tomato soup with my grandma.
Although, looking back on it, I would have been nothing like my grandpa, no matter how much time I spent with him. I was too fragile.
"Sorry Grandma." I whisper to myself while dropping an arms cradle-worth or ramen into my cart.
I thought I was nearly done and ready to checkout when I remembered Vic's macaroni. Better get that before he throws a fit or something. I swerved into the pasta isle, not caring how I was pushing my cart, even though I almost ran over a small child earlier.
I internally groaned when there was a couple making out right where I needed to look. I hate that. like what? You can't even make it to your car out in the parking lot? Or at least take it to the frozen section, my god! And it was a straight couple. Come on, I see enough of that in books, tv shows, movies, commercials, cartoons, music...
I cleared my throat, awkwardly, which caused the couple to jump apart. The girls face was whos I saw first. Her makeup was smeared and her lips were wet from the guy's lips. Then I saw the guy as he turned to me and began an apology, but he never finished it. As soon as I saw his face, my insides burned down to liquid and fell to my feet.
It was Aaron. It was Aaron's spit that was all over that girls' lips. It was Aaron who had her makeup on him, who made out with her in a fucking grocery store. I didn't understand. I thought he was gay! Maybe that was why he didn't freak out so much when he saw my body, because he was also attracted to girls. And oh, my god, he only just called me 'his guys' yesterday.
"Oh, Kellin..." He started, but I wasn't going to have it. See, when things ended with Evan, I was heartbroken. I felt like I had been emptied out, but with Aaron, I still had everything, it was just changed, melted from the heat of my anger. I wasn't sad like I was with Evan, this time I was furious.
I pushed through and gabbed when I had come into the isle in the first place for, threw it in my cart and tried to leave.
"Wait, wait." Aaron called out behind me. "Dammit, Kellin, wait." He grabbed my hand from off the cart so I was forced to let go. He had me face him, but I looked away so I didn't have to see his stupid face that I really wanted to punch in right now.
"Please, let me explain."
I scoffed. "Explain what? Why you are making out with some girl in a fucking store," Simultaneously, a family walked into the isle and were eyeing Aaron and I. Yes, everyone gather around and enjoy the show. Watch as I make this guy disappear from my life.
"No thanks," I said before pulling my hand away from his and taking off to pay for the food. I didn't care what he had to say. Nothing he could say would fix the sorry mess.
--
"Here's your fucking macaroni." I threw the box at Vic the second I walked through the door. He was sat on the couch in the living room watching Tokyo Ghoul. It was an episode we had already watched because he knows that I want to watch it with him. God, he could be so nice sometimes. Why can't I find somebody who is not an ass and is actually kind like Vic is.
"Damn. what do you have against macaroni and cheese?" He asked, following me into the kitchen where I went to dump the rest of the groceries.
"Why are guys such asshats?" I complained, not bothering to put any of the food away before finding the vodka and orange juice. Orange juice is a drink you have after sex. Orange juice and vodka is what you drink in the middle of the week when you have no fucking idea what you are doing.
"Let's get drunk," I announced, pulling out two cups. Vic's face was alive. I think he was enjoying my slow tumbling break down.
Vic didn't oppose to my declair. He gave me half a smile then came over to help me make us drinks.
Vic and I drank loads. Almost as much as we use to in highschool. Let me tell you-- Vic and I were major drinkers in highschool. Because Vic was a total heartthrob, he got invites to plenty of parties. And since Vic was my best friend, I came a long too. Most of the time we couldn't remember what had happened at those parties. The main thing that would stick would be the taste of whatever you drank the night before, lingering around at the back of your throat the next morning.
I think the only party I truly remember was our old friend Charlie's going away party. How could I forgot it?
--
"You take too long to get ready." I laid on my bed, fully dressed and ready to leave while Vic continued to manage his hair. It wasn't like he actually did much to it. He just combed it out, made sure it wasn't wild, then ultimately threw a hat on that would cover it up.
"Shut up. I don't." He said before switching the lights off I'm my room and coming over to where I was, proping himself on the bed beside me.
We laid out side by side, our shoulders matching up and touching like all the many times we've done this. I put up these glow-in-the-dark stars on my roof so when you turned out the lights, it was like you were laying under the stars. Since one of the first times Vic came over to my house, we would lay under the stars for hours. It didn't feel like we were in my bed, in my house. We were always floating somewhere else.
"You're shaking," Vic voiced low. There were no reason for him to be louder. I was right next to him. I could hear his breathing.
"I'm just nervous."
Parties made me nervous. People weren't always so kind to me and even though Vic was always there for me, there was always the thought that something would go bad.
"I already told you; there is nothing to be nervous about."
I didn't say anything. I shook more.
Vic sighed and shifted slightly. "Okay, you see that star?" He questioned, pointing up to the roof. I could barely make out his finger in the dark, but I knew which one he was pointing at.
"Yeah."
"And you see that one right beside it?"
"Yes," I said, looking at the slightly smaller star.
"That's us. We are just these two stars in the sky, among other many stars in the sky. Which might sound like it sucks, but we are together and I can't leave you. We're gonna be there, just there, together until we burn and fall from the sky, but it will be at the same time." He explains. "I can't leave you."
I swallowed hard. Vic's words were suffocating me. He was always so protective of me. He was always just so there for me. But these things he says, I know they aren't true. He will leave me one day. It is inevitable.
We get to the party and I'm attached to Vic's hip, following him everywhere he goes, but he doesn't mind. It has always been this way.
Charlie skips over to us-- and I mean literally.
Charlie was always very expressive of who he was. He didn't give a shit what anyone thought of him, and in return everybody loved him. I don't think I could be that confident.
"Hello, my Angels." Charlie said like always, like from Charlie's Angles. He thinks he is so funny. He calls us that every time.
"Charlie," Vic and I responded in unison. Charlie then gave us a shot... and then 4 more mixed in with dancing and stories he just has to tell us. and before I knew, everything was moving way too fast and in my mind it made sense to move real slow to make sure the world didn't explode or something. Since I was moving so slow, loads of bodies walked into me, overwhelming me. This was ridiculous and I had already lost Vic so I couldn't use him as a shield from all these bumping people.
I scanned Charlie's living room. Even though the faces were all very blurry, I knew Vic wasn't in here. I moved on to the kitchen. Slowly.
I found Vic eventually. He was with Charlie and they were just about to do another shot. I made my way over to the two, faster this time. The whole house was spinning. Scratch that. The entire world was.
"Kellin!" Vic said, his intoxication wrapping around my body. There was just so much of it. Too much for just his body. "Do this shot with us," He said before handing me a plastic shot glass with liquid that looked like piss from a dehydrated old man.
Charlie and Vic cheered each other, and I cheer myself. The liquid was like acid going down. I'm pretty sure my insides were burning. I turned to the two, wanting to know if they were melting from their insides as well, but they were in their own little drunken world.
Vic put his arm around Charlie's shoulders and laughed at nothing and then Charlie did the same. I don't get it. What was so damn funny? Charlie leaned into Vic, telling him something, something meant for him and him only, but I was desperate to know. I bet my skin was illuminating a real wicked shade of green right now. I don't know why I was so jealous. Maybe I had feelings for Charlie and I was pissed that Vic was allowing him to be so close to him.
Charlie let his face linger upon Vic's face. He then reached up and took Vic's hat right of his head, putting it on his own. He smiled brightly, running his fingers though Vic's hair. Vic doesn't let anyone do that. What made Charlie so special?
Charlie then dropped his hand, but It didn't go far. His hand rested on Vic's cheek, like it was fucking made to be there. And then for the quickest moment of my life, everything went silent. The music that had been playing stopped, and a new song was starting, leaving a pocket for voices.
"My angle," I just heard Charlie. He said it to Vic --not even in a funny way-- before kissing him. My skin engulfed in flames. All I wanted to do was scream, but I didn't even know who I was mad at. Both of them?
I stormed out of there all too quick. It sort of felt like someone had kicked my chest in, and my ribs were screaming, panicking at their new shape. What do I do? I was outside, trying to take in as much fresh air as I could, but I just felt like throwing up.
How could he do that? Vic I mean. Because I think, I'm pretty sure I have feeling for charlie, and it is his last night here. How could he just kiss him and not even think about how I felt?!
Does that even make sense?
I wanted to go home. I found a phone to use and called my grandma, apologizing for waking her up, then asking her to pick me up. Then I left without bothering to find Vic and inform him.
--
I am so sorry if there are a shit ton of typos in this chapter. I know it was shit and boring, but hopefully the next will make up for it :)