Chapter 13
"Am I wrong for wanting us to make it?"
(Zayn's POV)
I'd never seen Raine like this before.
She hadn't said a word since what happened outside of the casino. Although I don't blame her for being so shaken up, I wish she'd talk to me instead of staring blankly ahead of her with her arms crossed in her lap, not even blinking.
"Raine," I attempt again, standing across from where she's sitting, my arms crossed over my chest. Everyone around me in the van celebrates that we got the flash drive and Matías is dead, but Raine can't seem to fathom a mere expression.
That's it, I can't take it anymore. Her state leaves me uneasy, haunted by the feeling of guilt. I kneel down in front of her, taking her face in my hands. She finally snaps out of whatever though she's stuck in, flinching slightly against my touch before she realizes that it's me.
"Talk to me," I breathe, my eyes focused on hers. "Please, Raine. Don't do this to yourself."
She only stares at me, tilting her head confusedly as if I'm speaking in another language. Her eyes narrow at me, her delicate fingers reaching up and brushing a strand of hair away from my forehead.
"I'm okay," she says in a hushed whisper. "I wasn't the one who died tonight."
My heart twists with unbearable guilt. Stricken with culpability, I shudder against her. Never did I want her to be a part of the fucked up shit I've got myself caught into. I wouldn't wish this life among anyone. Not a single person, let alone someone I care too much about.
Before this, I never realized how much I felt towards Raine. Maybe it's because I'm so worried about her, I just don't want anything bad happening to her because of me. I would never forgive myself for it.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper, dropping my hands from her face. She swallows hard and nods, not sure what I'm saying sorry for, but forgiving me nonetheless.
"Malik, stand the fuck up."
I spin around at the sound of Apollo's voice. Out of habit of listening to his orders, I stand abruptly as Apollo approaches me, the bus still moving. Raine doesn't look up at him, her eyes still focused ahead of her.
"This isn't a joke, Malik. Nor is it some romance type shit." He glares at me, taking a step towards me and managing to tower above me, but I don't surrender to his demeanor. "You control your girl and you control her fucking however you need to. She's not going anywhere, which means she's going to need to learn how to shoot a gun and kill whoever needs to be killed. You got that?"
If there's someone I hate most in this world, it's Apollo. This son of a bitch ruined my god damned life while managing to control it all the same. If he didn't have so much control over everyone here, he'd be long gone. I'd have killed him myself. But I can't, because, for some reason, I owe him.
"She's done, Apollo. She repaid you for the tank of gas. Hell, how much was it? I'll pay you for it. Get off her back," I bite back, narrowing my eyes at him. He hates me as much as I hate him, maybe even a bit more. I know of it weren't for his beloved cousin, Ana's, orders not to kill me, I'd be a memory right about now.
"You're not going to tell me what to do." Angered by my boldness, he shoves me back, hard. I stumble but grip the handle, my short temper bursting through my veins.
"You need to leave her the fuck alone, Apollo," I snap, taking another step towards him. "She owes you nothing."
"Ana, get this son of a bitch away from me otherwise I'll kill him!" Apollo shouts, reaching down to retrieve his gun. Right as he does this, Raine gets up off the bench and stands right between Apollo and me, ready to protect me.
"Please," she breathes, her voice weaker than I've ever heard it. "I'll do it. I'll do whatever you want, just please stop."
Now beaming with confidence and cockiness, Apollo smirks, his hand dropping from his weapon and grabbing Raine's arm. Furious, I go to free her from his grasp when he spins her around and presses her back against his chest, digging his face in the side of her head to taunt me.
"Let go of her." My throat burns, my eyes lit with fire.
"I'm going to have a bit of fun with your girl, Malik," Apollo husks disgustingly, breathing her in. "Teach her how to shoot a gun, maybe some other things."
Raine, for the first time, has lost all of her flame. Standing against Apollo, she is completely worn out, her eyes dark with a ghost in her eyes. She doesn't bother to move, nor does she struggle against him. She just surrenders herself to the night, her faith lost in front of her eyes.
"Apollo, I'm begging you," my heart pounds in my ears because I know what he's capable of. He'll ruin her, no matter how strong and vigilant she is. Anything Apollo touches, he destroys. "Let go of her."
Full of himself, he gets off more to the fact that someone is begging him than the fact that he has a woman in his arms. Shoving Raine towards me, I grab her before she can fall.
"It's okay, Zayn," she whispers, standing back up. Her eyes are unfamiliar, the blue dull and scarily pale. "I can handle him."
"Apollo, chill the fuck out," Ana's voice now says, taking me out of my trance. I look up to see her with a cigarette in between her lips, polishing the end of her gun as she glares at Apollo. "She's had a rough night."
"Wouldn't have been so rough if she had just done what she was told," he snaps, lighting a cigarette of his own. Raine swallows hard, sitting back down on the bench and looking down at her hands.
"Give her a break. It's a big deal to see all of this shit for the first time if you live in a perfect world," Ana comments, glancing over at me. "I'm sure most of the people here have been through what she is."
Unable to help myself, my eyes stay trained on Ana as she looks away from me, continuing to talk to Apollo. It's as if the literal reason for my own life spiraling into ruins is sitting right in front of me. The woman who I thought I'd never see again now sits, smiles and acts as if nothing ever happened between us.
A week ago, when Kai had come home and told me he saw Ana at the diner, I didn't believe him. But he'd taken a picture of her, and when he'd shown me, I couldn't believe my eyes.
I'd spent the week tracking her, trying to find out where she was staying and what she was doing back. Obviously, she'd come back for Apollo, for the gang, for everything but me. Hurt and anger is a dangerous cocktail, yet that's all I've ever known because of her.
The one day I had come to see her was the day Raine had followed me. Neither of us has really spoken to each other, and now that Raine's caught up into all of this, I'm not sure we'll ever get a chance.
It's not as if I love her and I want her back, I just need answers. Days and nights passed where I'd wonder what I did to drive her away from me, and it physically pains me to know that she's not back for me. But what did I expect from a woman like her?
"Zayn," Raine's voice says, crashing my train of thought. I turn to look at her, broken and lifeless, as she manages to smile at me just barely.
"I'm going home," she whispers, patting my chest.
Looking around, I notice that the van has come to a stop and everyone is now gathering their things and getting off the van. Oblivious because of Ana's allure, I failed to notice it.
"I can take you," I say to her, wrapping my hand around hers. She looks down at it, then up at me, letting out a breath.
"I have to take my own car back," she whispers, sliding her hand out of my grasp. "I'll see you later?"
"Let me walk you." I now say, not feeling comfortable with her being alone in such a neighborhood, no matter what time of day it is. At this, she doesn't object, just nods and walks past me and off the van, following her a necessity.
"You keep your mouth shut about all of this," Apollo says to her once he sees us leaving. She doesn't respond, just keeps her head low and continues walking away.
"Raine, wait up."
I catch up to her, stuffing my hands in my jacket pockets as she slows down, swallowing hard. Her mind is still altered, unable to adjust to the sight she's seen tonight. It brings me back to the night where I first witnessed a kill. I wouldn't wish that gut-wrenching feeling upon anybody.
Silence creeps over us as we walk towards our cars. She doesn't say anything even though I comment a few times on something to get her mind off of today's events. Seeing her this way hurts me, but I know only time can fix her now.
"I'll see you later," she finally says once we get to our cars.
Before I have the chance to stop her and make her feel better one last time, she turns away from me, so unlike herself.
***
Four AM.
My mind haunts me with the worry that Raine is crying, or she's hurting herself, or she's telling somebody everything about tonight, only putting her in more danger than she's already in.
I've been laying in my bed at the frat for hours now, attempting to fall asleep, but I can't. Groaning into my pillow, I beat my fists against my bed, my stomach eating itself out with guilt.
Eventually, I decided that even if sleep is the only thing left to do in this world, I can't do it. Picking up my phone from the side table, I open a new message to Raine and type;
U awake ?
I wait patiently for a response, tapping my fingers against my stomach and staring at my screen for a notification to appear. Thankfully, five minutes later when I'm ready to bust my head open, she texts back.
Raine: Couldn't sleep even if I wanted to.
My heart swells with relief that she's okay enough to at least type out a message. In an attempt to replace my guilt with relief, I text her back.
I don't like the way we ended things tonight ..
A second later, she responds.
Raine: Sorry, I wasn't really in the mood to talk...
I text back;
Then don't, just type. Do something, I have to talk to you.
Raine: Why? Ana's back. Go after her, Zayn. You love her.
She's distracting herself from the main focus of the night, too, it seems.
I don't love her anymore.
Raine: I saw the way u looked at her tonight, Zayn.
My heart sinks.
Don't do this.
Raine: I'm not doing anything. Don't feel like u owe me anything because of everything that happened tonight. I told u before and I'm telling u again, I can handle it.
Sighing, I run a hand over my face before finally managing to respond.
I don't love her anymore. Take my word for it.
Raine: no, Zayn, you've lied to me before. I don't fucking trust you, not with anything.
This stings, to say the least, but it's the truth. I had lied to her when I said I'd never killed anyone, and she'd believed me. I just didn't want to scare her off.
I know .. and I'm sorry
Raine: u have nothing to apologize for, Zayn. We're not together.
But I want to be. With you ...
She takes more than a few minutes to respond, the blue typing bubble appearing then disappearing multiples of times before she finally sends something.
Raine: can we talk?
My stomach twists into knots.
On the phone ?
Raine: yeah, if u want to. Anaya's not here and I just feel...
Raine: just call me?
At the mention that she's all alone, I don't waste a moment before dialing her in and calling her. She picks up immediately.
"Hey," she breathes, her voice soft and tired. "I'm sorry."
I sit up in bed, holding the phone to my ear and resting my head against the headboard. "Don't be sorry about anything."
"I'm being mean," she admits, yawning just slightly.
"I want to be with you," I blurt before I can stop myself. My heart races and I mentally punch myself in the face for being so upfront, especially at a time like this.
"It's been a long night," she whispers. "Maybe you're just sleep-deprived."
"I'm not, Raine. I mean it."
It's silent on the line for a minute, then two, then three. For a moment, I think she's fallen asleep on me, but then she speaks up.
"Zayn, someone died in front of me tonight."
I stay silent, not expecting that at all.
"I want to say yes. I want to come over to your place and fuck you because I don't want to play games anymore, not after everything that I've seen." She lets out a distressed breath. "But I'm afraid that somehow, sometime, you'll be the one who gets killed next because of me."
Swallowing hard, I shut my eyes and grip my phone tightly, wanting nothing more than to bring her back here and take her and make her forget about everything. But she's so fragile right now, it would be wrong of me to do anything to her.
"I won't die because of you, Raine."
"For some reason, I'm very valuable to Apollo because I have a resemblance to whoever Moon is and yes, I know he now has a weapon; me." She exhales deeply. "He's going to do anything to keep me to his advantage."
"Stop it, Raine."
She sighs, and I can see her shaking her head. "I want you so bad, Zayn. I've been waiting for you to want me the same way for as long as I can remember."
"Raine - "
"But if you become too important to me, Apollo will put your life in danger. He'll use you to get things from me," she continues, her voice shaking. "I don't want you to get hurt."
My mind doesn't want to believe that she's right, but I've known Apollo long enough to know that she's saying exactly what's going to happen. Still, I'm not afraid to get hurt because of her. A woman has ruined me once before, I'm willing to jump into it again for Raine this time.
"I'm coming to pick you up."
She's silent for a moment before she says, "what?"
"It's cold out. Wear a sweater. I'm coming to pick you up."
"Zayn - "
"Be there in ten."
Before she had the chance to object, I hang up the phone. The overwhelming feeling to convince her that she's not as destructive as she now perceives herself to be consumes me. If she's seeing herself this way because of me, I'm willing to prove that she's wrong. She's everything but deadly, in fact, she's the epitome of alive.
After slipping on some sweats, a hoodie, and some sneakers, I grab my keys and step out of my room. The entire house is asleep when I slip out of the house silently, the cold weather slapping me in my face the minute I step out. Slipping on my hoodie, I climb into my car and start it.
A few minutes later, I arrive in front of Raine's dorm building to see her standing outside in some jeans, a sweater, and a thick scarf wrapped around her neck. She spots my car and walks over, sitting inside. When I turn to see her, her nose is red, her skin pale, her teeth littering.
"It's four AM." She whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"I couldn't sleep and neither could you," I shrug, driving out of the campus. "We can stay awake together."
She keeps her eyes on me as I drive away from the school and somewhere we can be alone, even if it's only for a minute. About five minutes later, I arrive at the familiar gravel path and I drive along with it until I park at the top of the hill, the perfect view of the lake in of the city stretching miles in front of us.
Raine gasps, leaning forward in her seat and taking in the sight.
"Raine?"
She turns to look at me, a glint of her familiar light back in her eyes. Smiling just barely, I lean over the divider and press my cold lips to hers, kissing her with all I have in me to prove that she's not as destructive as she might think.
The cold is no match to our heat as she melts against me, cupping my jaw and pulling me against her. Her fingers stroke my beard gently as she tilts her head, slanting her lips over mine and kissing me like it's what she's been waiting for forever.
We don't separate for a while, but once we finally do, she breathes hard, brushing away a strand of her hair, smiling shyly like the nervous girl who had a crush on me that I'd seen years ago.
"You're not scared?" She asks, biting her bottom lip.
"Not one bit."
Relieved, she takes a breath, dropping her hand from my chest. I watch as she sits back in her seat, shutting her eyes with a smile on her face. Even if it's only for a moment, she seems to have forgotten what she can never, and I feel proud that I've made her temporarily blissful.
Parking the car, I wind down the windows just a tiny bit before shutting off my car. Digging through my divider, I find a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Setting one in between my teeth, I hand her another which she gladly takes. Once we both light them up, we let the exhales of each other's tobacco breaths consume us whole, unfazed.
"I'm so fucked," she mumbles, shutting her eyes. I watch her as she sucks in her cheeks in to inhale her drug, an inevitable hard on growing through my sweats at the sight of her so skilled.
"I'm confused, and I'm scared, and I'm trapped, and I'm fucked."
Chuckling, I exhale my own cloud through my nose. "What are you confused about?"
She shakes her head, not even knowing where to begin. Her eyes flutter shut as she blows out a cloud of smoke I find myself aching to get lost in.
"Why were you there?" She asks first, turning her head towards me. "Was it because of Ana?"
Shameful, I nod.
She only smiles. "You want to be with her again, don't you?"
No matter how confident she tries to seem, I know she's hurt, even at the slightest, that I'm apparently so set on another woman. But I'm not, right now, Raine is quite literally the only person I want to be with.
"No," I assure her even though she tells me she doesn't need assurance. "I just want answers, Raine."
"Zayn - "
"I'm serious," I cut her off, huffing out a cloud impatiently. "I hate her, Raine. She makes me blood cold. Sometimes I want to kill her for what she's done to me. I fucking hate her."
She notices the venom in my voice and reaches over, sliding her hand down my arm soothingly. "Alright, baby. I believe you."
Instead of saying anything else, I just curl my fingers around her wrist, running bum thumb over her vein. She hums quietly, kicking off her slippers and curling her legs on the seat, turning towards me.
"You fall hard, huh?"
Over the years, I've noticed that's my weakness. "Yeah."
"But you hate even harder," she whispers, her voice trailing off delicately. "I don't want you to hate me, Zayn."
"I'm not going to."
"You will," she insists, watching me as I intertwine my fingers with hers. Her hands are cold and even though she once seemed in unbreakable, she now seems fragile with every touch.
"Why do you say that?"
She shrugs, rolling the skin of the cigarette in between her fingers. "I'm not Ana."
My shoulders fall. "I know you're not."
"You see too much of her in me," she says quietly, crushing the butt of her now finished cigarette in my ashtray. "You want to be with Ana, not me."
I don't know why she's insisting that I'm going to go back to Ana, but I'm not. Nobody realizes how thin the line is between love and hate until you've experienced both towards the same person. The hate I have towards a woman who I once loved enough to kill for is now my fuel, and unless there's a way to turn back time, I don't believe myself a fool to go back to her.
"Raine, you remind me of her but I don't see her inside of you."
She looks up at me from beneath her lashes, her eyes following my hand as I crush my own cigarette.
"She was selfish, corrupted, heartless, and she. . . She destroys everything she touches. She destroyed me. She is beautiful, yes, but she's the devil in disguise. It's a gift to be so irresistible but a curse to be such a terrible person."
She listens to me intently, relaxed, dancing her fingers along my tattoos. I wanted to get her mind off of what happened tonight and I'm glad that's what I'm doing, even if it is only for a minute.
"But you're. . . You're so fucking enticing and for the first time, I know it's not the danger that's luring me in. It's you. You're brave and smart and confident and you're so selfless. I just. . . It's as if she's the devil and you're the angel and I'm everything in between. I'm everything in between, Raine."
I don't realize I'm rambling until I see a smile turn up at her lips. Sighing, I turn to her, my heart sinking with the realization that I've just completely embarrassed myself. I open my mouth to say something but she just leans in and presses her lips to mine softly, grabbing my sweater and tugging me against her.
That's the moment I realize that I'm falling. I'm falling for her and it's much too soon. I hate myself for not falling for her first, for giving her a chance when she was just Kai's little sister. It's happening fast and it's happening hard and it's going to kill me. Raine will be the death of me in one way or another and I'm much too afraid to die. But I'm even more scared to be alone, to die alone, without someone like her by my side.
It's painful. My heart aches due to her presence, my blood racing and my mind telling me to run. I can't fall into this again, because if I do, I won't be able to handle it. I'd ruin myself over her, the same way I would've over Ana and it's a heart-wrenching feeling that makes me sick.
Ruthless and whole, though, it consumes me.
I grab her hips and lift her with ease, setting her on my lap. She laughs as I shift the seat back as far as it can go, trying to get her as comfortable as I can. She shifts on my lap, sliding my hood down my head and running a hand through my hair, pressing her forehead firmly to mine and breathing me in.
"Zayn, I know considering everything that has happened tonight, it's wrong for us to be sitting together and acting as if nobody died tonight." She bites her bottom lip, her eyes drowning with a sense of fear. "Somebody died in front of my eyes and I can't think of anything other than you right now."
I swallow hard, stroking my hands over her skin.
"I need you," she whispers, her eyes dark with a passion I've never seen before. "I'm tired of messing around. I don't want to waste any more time."
As much as I want her, I know that she's not in her senses. Nobody would be after seeing what she's seen tonight, so I can't take advantage of her.
"Not tonight, Raine. You're not thinking straight."
"I'm thinking straight," she presses, running her hands down my chest. Scooting closer to me, a grunt leaves my lips when she sits right on top of my hard-on, the thin material of my sweats not enough barrier between us.
"Raine, fuck."
"I've wanted you for far too long," she hums, pressing her lips to my jaw, kissing across my beard softly. "I've wanted you before tonight and I want you now."
A shallow breath leaves the grit of my teeth as I grip her hips tightly, rolling her lightly against my lap. She gasps, biting my beard teasingly, basically begging me to take her on the hood of my car without a care in my mind.
"I love your beard," she hums, sliding her hand down my chest. "You're such a man."
"If you don't stop right now . . ."
"Then what?" She kisses along my neck delicately.
"Raine, come on."
"You want this," she tells me instead of asking, tugging at my sweater. "I want this. There's nothing stopping us."
"You're vulnerable right now, Raine."
To very much of my surprise, she laughs. I'm a bit taken back because I did not expect that at all, however, when she pulls away from me and smiles, I can't help but smile back.
"I'm never vulnerable, Malik," she says, sliding my hood back on top of my head. "You get me wasted as fuck, and I'll still own you. You can never take advantage of me when I know what I want."
Confident and flaming despite her current situation, Raine basically beckons the world at her feet. Something about her - bold, vigilant - makes me afraid of her, but the good type of fear that excites you and lures you to know more.
And I surrender, complete and whole, to the astonishing woman in front of me.
__________
Aw my babies :,)
Next chapter going to be ... Well requested. I hope you guys enjoy this story so far, it's only going to get better.
Love you
Xoxo, N.