"How can you not realise how bad this is?!" I exclaimed and threw my hands in the air.
I was walking back and forward, getting more and more angry because he didn't seem to understand why I was upset.
Zayn laid on his bed with his arms beneath his head. His foot was crossed over the other, and he was watching me amused.
"Nathan is powerful, yes. But in the end, he is nothing without us. Without the money he earns from us."
"But I'm not in the term 'us'! He can manage without me, he doesn't need me. He could get me fired before we have left France."
"But I- We need you." He said, quickly covering what he was going to say at first. "We won't let them fire you and they won't. You're worrying for nothing."
He was being so calm about this. I had the best job in the world and it could be taken away from me. What would I do if they actually fired me? Nathan didn't like me before the dinner and given the thought about how he stared at me when we left the restaurant, he hated me now.
There had been many times I had freaked out during the tour, and we were only just starting. I had always been very easily nervous. I never thought I was actually good enough, and being at this tour made me feel like I actually was succeeding. I was doing something with my life. Something good. What if it was taken away from me? What if I wasn't good enough now either.
The others were still at the restaurant, and Zayn and I waited for them at his room. I had stopped walking in stress and stood now at the end of his bed, staring on the pattern of the carpet.
"Take it easy. Nothing will happen." He said and sat up. His voice had lost its calm tone and instead it was filled with concern. I guessed he realised I wasn't going to calm down that easy, that I was seriously afraid. I met his eyes, and they were filled with concern, too. I hadn't realised I was breathing hard until just then. I was letting the stress get to me. I was so, so scared.
"What if it does? I wouldn't be able to handle it. Zayn, what if they take this away from me? The only place I feel like I actually belong?" My voice was close on cracking, but I wouldn't let it. I swallowed hard, hoping it would be okay. I couldn't cry. Not yet. Zayn didn't answer. He patted on the space beside him and I sat down, feeling the burn of tears behind my eyes. He was so close.
"Isabelle, listen." He used my full name, but I didn't correct him. He knew I preferred my nicknames, still the soft sound of his voice made my full name sound... Not that awful. I forgot why I hated it from the beginning. I didn't meet his eyes, but stared at the patterns of the bed sheets instead. I was very fascinated by patterns that night. I did listen to him, though. It was just not possible to look at him.
"They won't let you go. We won't let you go. You are the best pianist out there and they would do the greatest mistake of their lives if they would let you go just because you're not a guy. Don't you hear how stupid that sound?" He asked me. I didn't think he expected an answer, but his hand went to my chin and made me turn my head. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I nodded slightly.
"But Nathan hates me and..."
"For what? Because you weren't okay with his hands and glares all over you? That is not a reason of kicking someone out of the band. You're too good. Believe in yourself, Love. Okay?" He asked, expecting an answer again.
Believe in myself. I didn't know what to do. I had never actually believed much in myself or had much self-confidence. I was always just me and nothing special or extra. Except when it came to my music.
I knew I was good when it came to my music. I was great, really. Music always helped me and playing the piano made me feel safe and home. But this was different. I couldn't believe in my music right then, because this hadn't anything to do with my music. They didn't like me. Sandy had told me earlier that Jon, who had been their keyboardist the last tour, had been good friends with many men from the management. I didn't take his job away from him, I replaced him after he left. But that was one of the reasons why they didn't like me. They didn't like the fact that a little girl had taken their friend's place.
There were surely other reasons for why they didn't like me. Apparently, it didn't fit into the boyband picture, having a girl behind them on the stage. But none of the reasons had to do with my music, so I was low on the self-confidence.
They didn't like me to work with them. They were taking the music away from me, but not because I was bad at music.
Sure, music can always be found and I could easily find something else to do. But I had a new dream now, and I would follow this tour until the end. But I smiled half-heartedly at Zayn, swallowing the tears that came from the fear of having to leave them. The people who had become my second family. A family that understood me and loved me for who I was.
"Sure. I'll try." I whispered. But I could not. It wasn't that easy and I felt a knot in my stomach that wouldn't let go. Never good enough.
+++++
I had never been in other countries than in the UK before. Paris was the most beautiful town I had ever seen. We spended a week there together. We went sightseeing, we went shopping without getting mobbed for once, we walked up the Eiffel tower. Or well, Harry, Niall and I were too lazy, so we took the elevators.
But it was amazing and we got to see the view with steady breaths and heartbeats, unlike the others who had to sit down when they came to the top. Or, it was steady until Zayn was standing behind me, pointing at a nice building over my shoulder. He was standing close enough so that I could feel his breath in my neck while he was telling me about the building, so my heart was beating faster than it would if I had been running up those stairs. I couldn't even focus on that nice building. It could've been a statue or the arena or something, I didn't listen. How could I, when standing so close to him made me shiver and feel a slight dizziness.
The week went by way too fast, but it was nice to be back at work after a few days off. It seemed as if the entire crew was working their very hardest of making me stop believe management would kick me out.
"Just do a kick-ass show before we leave to Spain and show those idiots who's the boss!" Louis told me one day when a few of us were walking around, just admiring the beautiful city.
"I will." I promised, but that meant management would come see the concert and that freaked me out a little. Jesus, I really needed to stop getting nervous about every. Single. Thing!
I was not that nervous the day of the concert in Paris. Their pep-talks had helped me a lot, and I had made the decision not to be nervous all the time, or I would try to stop. It was mostly a waste of time and energy, to be true. The reason of me being nervous right then was because of the risk of losing my job and if I was nervous all the time, how could I then enjoy what I was doing?
"You will love Spain!" Lou said as she fixed my makeup for the concert. "I must take you shopping with me in Barcelona." She continued.
"Lou, we have been shopping over four times this week. I don't need anything else!" I assured her. Her reflection pouted to me and she kept fixing my hair.
"But I love going shopping with you. The guys are no fun and the few women in the crew doesn't like going shopping with me any longer. Even Caroline at the styling is tired of shopping with me!" I laughed at that. Poor Louise. She didn't let me get out of her chair until I promised to go shopping with her in Spain at least once.
"You really shouldn't promise something like that, Belle." Niall, who had just entered the room, said. "There's no way getting out of it now." He chuckled as she hit his head with a hairbrush. I shrugged. I had nothing else I had to do in Barcelona.
+++++
"...Back for you, you." They sang the last line of the song and we, being Josh, Sandy, Dan and I, made a spectacular ending - if I would say it myself.
Before the next song, the five guys would goof around and Niall would say a few words, as he used to do in the pause between those songs.
I had never been a fan of having chords or notes as I played. I had all the chords and notes and everything I needed in my head. Or so I thought.
"Paris, are you having a good time?" Liam shouted and got thousands ear-piercing screams in return.
"Lovely, now we'll play a song I believe you will like. I am not sure if you have ever heard it before. I don't think you have, actually." Liam joked and Josh gave me a sign of starting to play the intro. I did, but something sounded wrong.
I had always been able to hear a false tone. I hated the singing in kindergarten, because they sang it wrong and I didn't like it. This was more than that. I turned down the volume of my keyboard and realised I was the problem. I focused at the sound coming from the drums, guitar and bass instead. They were playing the intro of Summer Love. I had been playing the intro of They Don't Know About Us. They had stopped playing and the whole arena was almost silent.
The crowd didn't realise it was me yet. But the other eight guys on the stage was looking at me. Of course, they got confused as well when something sounded wrong. Shit. I had been playing the completely wrong song. I didn't even know what was happening or what I was thinking. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How hard could it be? My job was to play the right song at the right time and I couldn't even do that right. The crowd started get loud again, wondering why we stopped right before the singing. How could I be so wrong? Louis tried to joke it off.
"Issy, love. I believe you have forgotten the track list." He laughed, and I cracked up in a fake laugh. As long as I was smiling like it was hilarious and I didn't care, no one would see my panic and how sad I got. How much I hated myself.
"Sorry." I mouthed, knowing the cameras to the big screens were on me and Niall laughed out loud.
"This is hilarious, really. I didn't believe it was possible for you to ever do a mistake. You are human just like us!" Niall joked. We all knew he didn't think it was hilarious. They knew me well enough to know that I hated myself after that, but he tried making it look funny, which looked like the only way out right then.
After a minute we were starting again, now with the right song. I had to take deep breaths and bite my toungue through the last part of the concert, or I would break down right there and then. I had never felt so ashamed and stupid before in my life.
That was it. They would kick me out the second the concert was over and some guy with a fancy education would get my place just in time for Barcelona. I would probably not even get the time to say goodbye to everybody. I would come back to London and have to tell my parents and Sam and Chelsea and everybody else that I wasn't good enough. Again. Never good enough. Not for the London School of Music and Performance and not for the musicians-crew of One Direction.
The show went to an end, the boys jumped out of the stage and later, the four musicians went out of the stage. Or, three of them did. The fourth, being me, ran out. Ran for my life. They would take everything away from me and I didn't want to be let down again. My head was spinning and I thought I would faint. My heart was thumping loud in my ears and I couldn't hear anybody talking. Everything was blurry. One of my biggest fears was public humiliation, and I had been doing a huge mistake in front of thousands of people, including my highest bosses.
I ran out of stage, past everybody backstage and found an empty hallway. I fell down on the floor and crumpled to a ball, letting the tears come out one by one and then all at once. I hated myself for being such a failure. It must have sounded weird to anybody else, but I felt like my two nightmares were right there.
Failing completely, and having to let go of people I love. One was happening and the other was just around the corner.
I heard footsteps and a soft voice.
"Oh, Issy. No." Liam said and fell down on his knees beside me. I hadn't realised I was crying that much. The stream of tears down my cheeks wouldn't stop.
"Just because of one tiny little mistake?" He said and made me sit up. His arms were around me and I let him comfort me. I leaned my head against his shoulder and was shaking of sobs.
"It wasn't a tiny mistake, Liam. It was huge. At least I get to say goodbye to you before they take me back to London." I cried. I was expecting a loving goodbye. Liam was the amazing big brother I never had. Instead, he laughed.
"Why on earth would you go back to London?" He asked with a smile and tried my tears with his index finger.
"Because they will find someone who can replace me." I sobbed. "Someone who can remember a track list. At least ten people from management is here in the arena. This was my chance to make them believe I was good and I screwed it up. I'm sorry, Liam. I'm really..."
"Why are you being like this?" Liam said then. "Why are you having so high expectations on yourself? You are amazing and you know you are. Everybody does. You did one mistake, Belle." I took a deep breath and managed to stop sobbing, but the tears kept falling down.
"But why do you believe I'm any good at all? I have to pressure myself. I had to make my parents proud all my life. They wanted me to succeed so badly. In the end, I have always failed in one way or another. I want this, Liam. I want to do something with my life. Something I love."
I broke down and stifled my sobs again in his shirt as he hugged me and stroke my hair. I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know why. It was enough by now, but there were no chance of stopping, so I let the tears fall. I heard more steps. Two pairs of them, and Harry's and Louis's voices were heard.
"What's going on?"
"Issy, love. Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry, if we acted like nothing no one would've noticed it."
"It wasn't a big deal. We mess up all the time!"
I couldn't listen to them. It wasn't only the mistake. It was the feeling of being a failure, and I hated it. I couldn't take it. And being in the middle of some weird group hug on the floor, made me realise how much I would miss these amazing weirdos if I had to go, and I broke down into sobs, again.
"If I were a boy, you wouldn't have to put up with all these emotions and crying." I said. Maybe there were more reasons for why they didn't want a girl in the band.
"If you were someone else than yourself, this tour wouldn't be half as great as it is." Said a new voice that joined our little pity-party. Well, I was the one feeling sorry for myself. The others was just trying to make me feel better.
You know when you are crying over something and then every sad thought comes attacking you and you can't stop? That's what was happening.
That Zayn thought I did the tour even better actually helped a bit. I was glad to hear him say that. Both he and Niall had found us now, and now I was pressed into a group hug in the middle of the five members from One Direction. Five sweaty members of One Direction. And we were sitting in some weird way on the floor in a corridor in a arena in Paris and they all sat and gave me pep talks, telling me I was great and I couldn't give up now.
I wondered how many girls that would kill to be there in that moment. They should totally give their fans in depression this kind of therapy. Later, the other musicians, Lou, Jared and even more from the crew found us. The funny part is that they all just sat down on the floor and got into the group hug and tried to make me feel better, like it was the most normal thing in the world. Like we were a family, and they all loved me, just like I loved them.
It actually helped. They had my back. All I needed to do was trust them. And trust myself. I could do this.
+++++
Chapter 20! How did time go so fast? Unbelievable!
I hope you all had a good Christmas, or a nice weekend if you don't celebrate Christmas.
I would love you to read my new, second fanfic; "Somebody to Love (Niall Horan)". You can find it at my profile. I have only posted the prologue this far, and I will start for real very soon. Go check it out!
P.S. I got over 110 reads and a lot of votes over just one night/day! How did that happen?
xxxx