Word Count: 2309
Warning: An unhealthy dose of passive aggression is used in this review. Reader discretion is advised.
UPDATE: The author has changed the cover since the review.
Title: Affliction~ NEW: Onyx and Gold
Genre: Historical Fiction/fantasy
Blurb: As hereditary prince, he is forced into an arranged marriage to a princess whose kingdom is willing to aid them against the Germans. But he fell for her bestfriend instead. So he is given the choice : his kingdom or his heart?
~NEW SUMMARY~
"Your kingdom or your love for the girl?" the man asks him. "Go against my wishes and you will see just how powerful I am."
-
To be royal, you have to be prepared to do anything and sacrifice everything.
As The Hereditary Prince, he is obliged to do anything for his people and kingdom. This includes agreeing to marry the princess whose kingdom is offering military aids against the Germans.
Yet as human, he couldn't help when he fell for the princess' bestfriend.
And for once in his life, he isn't so sure about being a royal.
Status: Ongoing
~~
Starting Points: 30
Cover:
*Opens bag of chips*
-Um.....not so sure if I like it or not.
-It's a mess.
-Just kidding! I'm pretty sure I clicked on your account like a month ago and it was something different, and I think I liked it. My memory is poor, so I may have just pulled that out of nowhere. I do that a lot. Seriously though, relax with all of the cover switching (ironic). It's tiring to keep up with. No points lost, the cover is attractive and it's doing its job. However, the quality of the picture could be better.
Title: I kind of hate one word titles at this point. They're so lazy. Not an attack on you per se, but on everyone with one word titles. No points off though, I'm just talking out loud...or on a document.
*Licks crumbs off fingers*
Summary:
*Puts chips aside*
*Sighs*
-Why.
-Yes, it's not a question, but in fact a statement. I am tired of all you is what it means.
*Crickets chirp*
-Why you ask? Well, maybe because of the fact that I haven't come across a solid summary this entire time. Who will be the one who finally succeeds in figuring out the ins-and-outs of the summary? Who will finally take M out of her suffering? Let her have one day of not addressing a poor summary? Who will be the hero? The legend of all legends? Stay tuned on M eating chips—I mean BHR.
-Annoyingness aside, my main issue with this besides the wretched excerpt slapped in it, is the fact that not one darn name was given. The simplest must.
-Giving the main characters' name (unless for some reason it isn't supposed to be known for an actual reason). You could have at least thrown in the name of a random toad, and I would have been pleased. Right now, your summary looks utterly pointless and...Incomplete.
-How can you expect readers to want open a book that doesn't even have the slightest decency to address its own characters by name?!
-Also, it is best friend, not "bestfriend".
-Anyway, both of the summaries had no improvement, and it makes me want to weep for you. Summarizing isn't even that hard?! Why is this such an obstacle for you all? It's you own story for Christ sake?! I'm being a bit mean, but suck it up, BHR has become boot camp now. I haven't eaten gummy bears in a while, so this is what happens.
-In conclusion: Get it together! (-10)
Plot: I'm going to give it to you straight man: this plot is so fucking flat. What in the hell?!
-From what the summary just said, all I can look forward to is some irrelevant prince who fell in love with his arranged wife's best friend (what a snake) because he is messy, and now has to choose between love and his kingdom.
*Stares into the camera*
-Clichés can be pulled off in my opinion, no doubt, but this? This isn't giving the readers that much to work with, and it's only happening because of the lackluster summary. For all we know, this story's plot can be so crazy, but it isn't being delivered well with that horrid summary. Fix it Jesus!
*Throws the entire holy water bottle at you*
Opening thoughts: I want you to redeem yourself, please don't let this end bad. Please.
*Braces for impact*
-*Peaks through fingers*
-Huh.
-This is in present tense, that's pleasantly new.
-I'm also not dead...
-Why did I feel like this was going to happen?
-I spoke too soon. Already, you're jumping tenses. I kind of feel attacked too. It was so damn random and abrupt. Lifesaving tip for everyone: stick with one tense throughout the entire book. (-3)
-The entire "On the coffee table..." paragraph is in past tense. It's like you forgot you were writing in present tense or something. It's severely off-putting.
-I also kind of lied, your opening sentence suffers from wordiness (I feel you though, I struggle with this as well). The sentence should have ended after "hospice", but of course, you hate me and you don't want yourself to prosper.
-The sentence that comes after it can be re-worded to this: Irritation never settles over any of the residents during the routines. Well, almost no one.
Characters:
-The old man. I like how his appearance was described, I could picture him quite well. Eh, he's pretty boring at the moment—Sike! He just killed a roach, and now I'm sold. I like him.
-The nurse girl: irrelevant and one dimensional. Aka, I don't care to comment about her. (-5)
-The characters are exceedingly boring. The old man seems to have something going for him though (he kills roaches and I can see the friendship transpiring already), since he seems to be telling the story and seems to have some type of depth to him. Can't see it all the way right now, but I can sense it. Through my...loins.
-Princess Louisa May. Besides her hilarious name, from what I can tell she seems to be a level-headed individual, intelligent, and boring. There really isn't anything intriguing about her at the moment, this is of course subjective, she isn't...unlikable. If for some reason a flying rock was to come and smash her into smithereens, I would probably gasp and think about the what-ifs for her character before moving on with my day. Don't feel too bad though since I dislike most characters (or at least feel very little for them), and the story has just begun. I'm sure Louisa has a long way to go. Hopefully.
-Hereditary Prince Theodor, also has a ridiculous name, and I'm lead to think that their parents hate them. Anyway, Theodor isn't likable. Maybe it's because he's younger, so I'm imagining an eleven year old or it's because he seems to get irrationally angry for no reason and reeks of a "punk-bitch". I'd fight him if it came down to it. Hopefully, his character gets better, if he's actually this annoying full-time, then I'll hope for that wondrous rock to do its job.
-In summary, there are many one-dimensional characters in the story at the moment, and my boredom is increasing.
*Wipes your tears away* it's okay.
-Look at how kind I am. It's crazy.
Dialogue:
-Excerpt: "I just need to get to the king for goodness' sake." (-1)
-Correction: "I just need to get to the king for goodness sake."
-The flowery dialogue, in this case, makes me want to pull out my hair and fish out my intestines with a fork. Okay, that's an extreme exaggeration, but I'm still annoyed. Which really doesn't take much, ha. *Farts*
-The dialogue sounds ridiculously monotonous, and what has been presented (besides the old man and the nurse) is the royal siblings "conversing".
-Someone please save me from these robots. (-3)
Inconsistencies:
-I'm not sure if this counts as an inconsistency, but it does now.
-The believability of this historical fiction is waning the more the dialogue continues to sound forced and robotic.
-This feels like a rendition of a historical fiction when it should seem like I'm in the time frame you're saying this is occurring in. I see the date, yes, but am I convinced? No. That's a huge problem. (-3)
-I also have no idea how hold any of your characters are. Right not, Louisa sounds like she's a know it all thirteen year old, and the boy sounds like he's eleven or younger. The plot doesn't some off like this would be revolved around children, so there definitely is a problem. (-1)
Writing Style:
-I think it's pretty good. It's far from horrible as well.
-I'm shit at giving compliments, like what is that?
-I don't know where your descriptions went, because I haven't seen much, if not any. (-1)
-Any who, the disruption of flow with the tense situation, and this weird itch about this chapter following me is dampening everything else for me. (-1)
Likes/Dislikes:
-Your premise. I see what you're trying to do here, and I think it's cool. Somewhat. However, something just feels like its missing. It's probably all of the errors throughout this, and oh, the realism that seems to be lacking.
-This needs to be edited. A lot.
-Befriend a period. The small dot that comes after some sentences, yeah, that guy. He says hi.
-There seems to be no direction in the first chapter. I've had to wake myself up a couple of times now. Seriously.
-I am in chapter two! Thank God! *Sheds a tear*
-The first chapter wasn't enjoyable for me at all.
Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):
-Your tenses bro. Your tenses.
-Here are a slew of sentence fragments, or grammar issues I found throughout the book (that I cared to point out):
-Excerpt: People are at war, for goodness' sake...
-Correction: People are at war for goodness sake...
-Excerpt: ...smell wafting through the air, making him salivating at the thought of the warm broth.
-Correction: ...smell wafting through the air, making him [salivate] at the thought of the warm broth.
-Correction: Princess Louisa [since there isn't a hyphen, I'm pretty sure "May" is her middle name, and no one cares what her middle name is. You're just clogging up the sentence] was attempting to teach her younger brother the Hereditary Prince Theodor how to play and win at chess.
-Tip: Words like "our", "we", and "you" all directly refer to the audience which is a no in writing 101. Not to mention that the entire sentence introducing the royal siblings is so formal and awkward. There's always a much more natural way to do that. (-3)
Where you need to improve:
-Your tenses flip-flop like crazy. One paragraph is in present tense, the other is in past. Make up your mind woman!
-Far too many run-on sentences.
-Wordiness. Get rid of the habit. I tend to suffer from the demon as well. Shit is truly horrible.
-Convincing readers that the setting is legit, and what they're watching is in fact the real deal. Tip for everyone: Don't ever use "this is fiction" as an excuse. Nothing has ever made me close a Wattpad book faster than that. It's a despicable crime.
Why/When I stopped reading: You ran out of points towards the end of chapter two.
*Sad Trombone plays*
Womp, womp, womp.
-I read the rest of it, and I must say that the ending was probably the best part of the chapter.
Gummy Bears or Dust: You get..........................................................................
*Smirks* Hi, I doubt anyone is reading this, so I'll say what I've been wanting to always say: Most of the tine I'm constipated during these reviews.
If anyone did read that, it was a joke.
*Swings a watch in front of your eyes* This was all dream...
A ball of dust. Yes, that is it.
-Sad thing about this review is that you were so....so close from getting baby powder because the writing wasn't horrible and the book wasn't an absolute dread. But then, I remembered all of the sentences that needed to be desperately re-worded and how underwhelmed I was while reading this. So now you have to suffer with this.
-Something to go away from this review with is that your first couple of chapters are so important. Not many people I've reviewed understand this immense fact. It can make or break everything. It doesn't matter if the rest of the chapters are fire, or the next chapter is "where the good stuff starts". No, shut up. No one cares. I learned this the hard way. This is to everyone reading this: Make sure to revise the shit out of your first couple of chapters (maybe not excessively like I do, but still!). They serve as the hook, the motivation for the reader to care to continue to read on, vote, maybe comment, and even add your work to their library! If you can do that, congrats! You won the lottery of starting your story on a strong foot! Just don't make everything turn to shit from their on.
-No one so far has had an outstanding start, but I hope it comes. This is a learning experience though, so it will take time and you'll have to be adamant. I want to be snatched bald, so please help me achieve that goal!
-Please, *weeps* just scalp me. Someone please take the crown of achievement, and do it already.
-As to Alisa, it sucks you had to go out this way, but you need to do better (for at least your first couple of chapters).
Good luck on your journey, and thanks for being patient!
*Collapses*