By Flower
~
"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing ,Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even"
The script
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Born 24th June in a small ward in one of the Ugandan hospitals.
I was named **name withled** but after a beautiful unique flower. As I appeared gentle and beautiful,different; so I was later told.
I spent most of my childhood generally happy. In my head, I had no reservations, no fears,no responsibilities.
I loved trying all sorts of things,always eager and full of energy.
I wanted to do it all.
I loved being around people, pleasing everyone & a very independent child many said .
From a young age, I seemed to reason differently from everyone else. I always said the strangest things no one understood. I had the most unwarranted opinions, thoughts. I used to think for myself, but this was not allowed i discovered .
Soon i became aware of my "weirdness" ,as i started calling it
The struggle to compensate for my nature begun around 11 years.
I barely,at the time, looked at it as compensation.
All I knew I wanted everyone to like me. Not notice my weirdness. I wanted to fit in so badly. I yearned for approval.
My life mission then became, pleasing the world as much as i could.
In school, It really never occurred to me to actually study,I was always preoccupied with making everyone like me. I still had good grades. This surprised me as well. I never could fit in. Everyone's' crush was a boy or man or actor whilst i on the hand crushed o girls. I never said anything. I knew there was something wrong with me. I was too weird.
In my African society, adolescent and sex education are never discussed. Its perceived as wrong and no one questions this. Then being homosexual is not only illegal but not tolerated one bit. Homosexuals are lynched, killed by angry mobs, stoned..name it. Often when one kills a homosexual, this person is applauded and rewarded. The authority that is supposed to protect people, is out to kill them and all this is off the books. No one questions this. Knowing this i didn't want to be seen as one. Naturally there were not very homosexuals you meet.
Teenage years rolled in, I didn't understand myself more. I had these thoughts, fantasies. I had no one to ask,i didn't know what to do with them, who to consult. Literature with any LGBT material is 'banned' here. The few times i innocently inquired around about it, i was made fun of. One time my naive mother gave me hormonal pills, she thought they would make me girly, i would like boys, i think she knew too. These pills by the way messed up my baby machine. I may never give birth. I made horrible decisions. I soon learned how to suppress all that as me. Many of my close friends always said i had a problem. Many believed i was asexual. I Tried to like boys but i could never go as far as a first date. Many boys that knew me always joked around of how gay i am. I constantly told myself, you cannot be a lesbian. you've not been with a girl even, you will outgrow this. When everyone around you is telling you these things, slowly you start to believe them.
One day i met this girl,despite my walls. She knew i was a lesbian. To sum it all up, we grew close. She truly knew me, accepted me. I didn't feel alone. It felt like being in the shu in litchfeild with a rubyrose to make life feel less immured. We didn't tell anyone though. I continued being the perfect person for everyone.
F FWD, One reckless teenage drinking weekend we had this idea of how we should both come out during our sunday lunches. I was drunk. On sunday i chickened out, i mean i couldn't imagine a life after that. But she did go through with it,she ended her life shortly after coming out to her family. Her body was left to rot. I did nothing, i let her body rot, i blamed myself.
Now more than ever i pursued this facade for everyone. Eventually i got so good at pretending, i lost myself, i grew tired,unhappy,empty. My fake life was catching up with me. I was 20something and had failed to date any boy,i had run out of excuses,i was miserable,lost. I forgot how to act on some occasions,I was angry.a few rumors begun. I started reflecting on how much of my life i had wasted trying to fit in.
A few months ago, i concluded when you deny yourself you're sexual identity or any part of you from actually being you, little by little you get or have it all jumbled up. There's no point. When it comes to making everyone happy, you cant win, people will always demand more. I enrolled in some program to get away ,think,then met this other girl.
FFWD, when i lost her as well, i officially came out to everyone. Changed my statuses, rang my friends, talked to all my family members. BIG MISTAKE!!!!! I was chased from home after they flogged me and tried to kill me. A funeral was made to bury the person i was. I was dead to them.People I spent my entire life pleasing,doing I was told even when I didnt agree. My supposed friends tried to get me killed, raped. I was given an academic suspension in my last semester at university.No one would employ me. alot happened generally. Because and only because Im a lesbian.I tried reaching out for LGBT help in my country for guidance,but in vain. I Soon realized im on my own. I didn't want to die. I Started to run to the villages,Changing phone lines regularly, abandoning all social media. Wherever i stay its not more than afew weeks. I have no idea what im doing. None.
But i felt i needed to share my story,if i die ,at least someone knew it.
But its funny how im glad they all knew despite what it cost me,everything as I knew it.
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thanks for reading my story.