She sighed and let her eyes close briefly as she rocked in the mahogany chair in her baby's room. When she opened them, she smiled and look out over the nursery.
Three walls were painted a soft gray, and the fourth was the same gray with different sized yellow polka dots. Across the middle of the wall, silhouettes were painted in black, telling the story of how the Thief and the Queen met and fell in love, and of how their daughter came to be.
The mahogany crib was against that wall, just under the storyline, the mobile made by her daughters floating gracefully above it. Under the window on the back was was the dresser/changing table, made from the same wood as the crib. Black curtains hung over the window, with gray and yellow polka dots lining the bottom few inches of the fabric. The closet was on the wall opposite the accent wall, and in it was a bookcase that would soon be full of books. There was also a small basket on top of it that would hold the baby's toys.
On the same wall hung pictures of their family framed in black. First Henry and Roland, then Emilia and Evelyn, then the most recent sonogram of the baby, and finally Robin and Regina prior to her pregnancy.
It was a beautiful room and Regina couldn't have been happier with how it turned out. Grace and the girls had helped a lot, and she planned to get them each a thank you gift when she could find the time.
There was a soft knock at the door that pulled her away from her thoughts, and she turned her head to see Granny standing there. She smiled as the older woman stepped into the room.
“I thought I might be able to find you here,” she said. “I know you're not much for big events centered around you.”
Regina chuckled, “it was very thoughtful of the girls to throw me a surprise baby shower, but I'd have much rather just spent the day with my family.”
Granny nodded.
“Well, I had a gift for you, but I wanted to give it to you in private,” she said, handing the bag to Regina.
She pulled out the tissue paper and reached her hand into the bag, extracting the gift. A hand-knitted white baby blanket, with the baby's name embroidered on it in lavender yarn.
“How did you know her-”
“Robin told me. He also mentioned you were waiting to tell anyone until after she's born, so I waited to give it to you until now.”
“Oh, Granny… I love it, thank you so much!” She said, pushing herself up so she could hug the older woman.
“You're very welcome, Regina,” Granny replied, making to leave the room.
“Wait, Granny?”
She turned around.
“Would you maybe… Want to be her grandmother? I just, I don't think my mother really wants to be considered her grandmother. She's more like a great aunt…”
“I'd absolutely love to, Regina,” she said and walked out of the room.
Not a minute later, Robin walked in.
“I figured you'd be up here,” he chuckled. “People are starting to look for you. I think they're getting ready to leave.”
“Okay, I'll start heading down there. I'm going to put this blanket Granny made the baby in our room first.”
He kissed her cheek and watched as she entered the master suite, then exited and shut the door behind her. He took her hand and they walked down the stairs together to thank their guests.
----------
They sat in bed, curled I to each other. Not reading, not talking, silent. Just feeling the presence of each other.
He ran his fingers through her hair and she traced patterns on the inside of his thigh.
“How are you feeling?” He asked her softly.
“Sick,” she said, and sniffled.
“Still?”
She nodded.
“You need to get some sleep, then. I'll take you to the doctor in the morning.”
“I can't. I'm achy all over, I have a sore throat and I'm congested, and I'm nauseous. My body is where sleep goes to die.”
He huffed out a laugh and pulled her close to him, rubbing his calloused hand gently over her growing stomach, the baby inside now the size of a butternut squash as she reached her seventh month of pregnancy.
“Well at least lie down, then. You need to relax.”
Before she could protest, however, there was a light tapping at the door and a soft creak as it was pushed open.
The blonde head of Evelyn Locksley peeked in, puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks visible in the low lighting of their bedroom.
“Sweetheart, what's wrong?” Regina inquired, opening her arms for the girl to come into.
She shuffled over to the bed and climbed in between her parents, and Robin wrapped his arm around her shoulders as Regina took her hand.
“I had a nightmare,” she said, and looked down ashamedly, pulling her eyes away from her parents’ gaze.
“Oh, sweetie, that's nothing to be embarrassed of,” Robin said, kissing her head.
Regina nodded and rubbed the back of her hand.
“I get them too,” she whispered.
“You do?” Evie wondered, looking up at her.
“Yes. Pretty frequently, too. And you know what always helps me afterward?”
“What?”
“Talking about it. Getting it out of my head and in the open, and letting Robin reassure me. So why don't you tell me about it?”
“I dreamt… That me and Em were back at our childhood home… But you and dad and Henry and Roland were there, too. And our- uhm- other parents were there, and they tied me up to a chair and made me watch as they… As they b-beat all of you, and I didn't have my magic so I couldn't save you…”
She sniffled and wiped her eyes. Regina held her close.
“We’re all okay, sweetheart. Me and your dad? We’re just fine. If it'll make you feel better, we can go check on your brother and sister, and we can call Henry- I'm sure he's still up. Do you wanna do that?”
Evelyn took a moment to think over the offer, then nodded.
“Come on, then,” Regina said, climbing out of bed and leading her down the hall silently.
They stopped at the first door on the left pushed it open slightly. Roland's mop of curls could be seen peeking out from between his blankets and stuffed animals thanks to the dim night light, his soft breathing resonating through the silent room.
They crossed the hall to the open door on the right and stepped in quietly, and Evelyn saw her sister's arm dangling off the bed, her dark locks covering her face as she slept. She followed her mother out of the room and down to the kitchen, where Regina heated up a glass of milk for her daughter and picked up her phone to call her son.
“Do you want me to explain to him, or do you want to?”
“You.”
Regina nodded and dialled the number, smiled when she heard Henry's voice on the other end of the line.
“Hey Mom. Everything okay?”
“Yes, baby, everything's fine. Evie and I were just calling to check on you to make sure you're okay- she had a nightmare and was a little spooked.”
“Oh, okay. Can I talk to her?”
“Absolutely,” she handed the phone to her daughter.
“Hen?”
Regina smiled as she listened to Evie’s end of the conversation, which only lasted a few minutes. After she hung up, she gave her mom a tight hug.
“Thank you, Mama,” she whispered.
“Anytime, sweetheart. You good to sleep in your own room?”
Evelyn nodded and together they walked back up the stairs. Regina kissed her daughter's temple outside her bedroom before heading back to her own bed.
She crawled in and yawned, stretching her arms over her head.
“Is that how you feel with me? When I get nightmares?” She asked, looking up at her husband.
“What do you mean?”
“Like… Do you feel empathy toward me, but at the same time feel lucky to be the one who gets to be there for me?”
“Yeah, that's pretty much exactly how I feel. That's why I didn't jump in on making her feel better- I get to do that with you. So I decided it was your turn.”
“Well, thank you for giving us our moment,” she rasped.
He nodded his reply and gripped her hips, pulling her to sit between his legs. He leaned them back against the headboard, the surface softened by the pillows propped around them. She rested her head against his shoulder and looked up at him, pressing a kiss to the bottom of his jaw. He dug his thumbs into her lower back and she moaned, turned to putty in his hands.
“Am I hurting you?” He asked, slowing his movements just a tad.
“God, no, that feels amazing! Keep going, please,” she sighed.
He felt her muscles relax against him and saw her eyes drift shut. He began to hum softly in her ear and pepper light kisses atop her head, and when he was finished massaging her, his fingers found their way into her long hair. Twisting and combing and pulling softly. Soon enough, he heard her breathing even out as sleep overwhelmed her, and he shut the lamp off before drifting off himself.
----------
“Okay, Regina,” Dr. Whale said upon entering the room and sitting down. “So you're sick? What are your symptoms?”
“Well, I'm congested, for one thing. I'm exhausted and achy all over. I have a sore throat, and I've also been having migraines. And I'm awfully nauseous.”
“Sounds like you've got the flu. I'm going to do a full check up and run an ultrasound, okay?”
She nodded, and the room was silent as Whale took her blood pressure, checked her breathing and listened to her heart. He also checked her throat and ears. Then he left to write up a prescription for her before running the ultrasound.
While they waited, Robin stood from his chair and placed his hand on her shoulder and kissed her head. She looked up at him and sighed, and he gave her a small smile and pulled her into a hug.
Whale reentered and gave them the prescription, them had Regina lay down on the bed. He squirted the cold gel on her stomach, moved the transducer around until he found the baby, and then pointed to the screen.
“There's your daughter,” he grinned.
The baby was actually looking like a baby by now. They could see her cute little nose and lips, which were slightly parted with the top of her tongue sticking out. Her eyes were close, and her hand was loosely clasped around the umbilical cord. Her eyelids fluttered and one of her legs kicked out.
“From head to toe, she's about seventeen inches long, and she weighs approximately two and a half pounds,” Whale explained.
He printed out a sonogram and handed it to the parents, and soon after they were back in Robin's truck and driving home.
----------
“Alright, to the couch. You need to rest so you can get well.”
“But I'm not tired,” she rasped.
“That's all fine and well, love, but you're at least going lie down and relax for a bit. Now, I've arranged for Roland to spend the night with a friend from school, and the girls are with Grace. So it'll just be the two of us and you can rest up.”
She grumbled but allowed him to help her lay down and throw a blanket over her. He sat down on the floor in front of her and brushed his fingers along her hairline.
The corners of her mouth turned into a frown and she sighed, looking down and away from him.
“Are you alright?” He asked.
“Yeah, I'm fine. Aside from having the flu, I mean,” she said, an obviously forced smile that didn't quite reach her eyes gracing her face.
He gave her an odd look, and she knew he didn't believe her, he was suspicious. But she wasn't in the mood to talk right now, it felt like too much work. She could barely get herself to keep breathing, let alone have a conversation. She felt the fatigue settle in her bones and knew she wouldn't be moving from the couch anytime soon; she didn't want to. She sighed and he kissed her nose softly, then scooted over so he was looking directly at her belly. He placed a gentle kiss there and then, to her surprise, began to speak.
“Hey there, little one. I'm your daddy. I'm going to tell you a little about our family so you know who we all are when you're born.
“Obviously, there's me, daddy. And you know mommy because you're inside of her. But you have two older brothers and two older sisters waiting for you, too!
“Roland is the youngest and he is so excited to meet you and have someone to play with. And he will always look out for you. Mommy and I like to call him our little night.
“And then there's Henry. He's your oldest brother. He'll probably teach you how to play video games and lift you up when you're sad. He's Mommy's little prince, and I know he'll be watching out for you.
“And then your sisters, Emilia and Evelyn. They're twins, but they don't look alike. They're very good at art. Emilia will help me teach you to shoot a bow, and Evelyn will show you her magic. And I'm sure they'll both help Mommy teach you to bake.
“You're our little princess, and we are so excited to meet you! Only two more months, and then I can hold you in my arms and kiss you and sing you to sleep. And I can watch Mommy spend time with you, as well. I can't wait! But please, go easy on Mommy. She's sick and if you kick around, it will make it harder for her to get well.
“Thank you, my love. Daddy loves you!”
He kissed her belly again, and returned to his original spot facing his wife.
She grinned at him, a real one this time, and he knew she was feeling better after that. He didn't know what she had been feeling before, but he was glad to have been able to cheer her up.
“Our little girl is going to be so spoiled by you,” she told him.
“I just love her so much already,” he shrugged.
“So do I… I can't wait to meet her.”
“Neither can I.”
She lifted her hand and ran her fingers through his hair, stopping when she got to the nape of his neck and toying with the hair there. He let his fingers trace over her face, starting at the outline of her lips, up her chin to her ear, and then over to her eyebrows, his fingers finally ending up back at her hairline, brushing the dark locks back from her face.
“Rest, love,” he whispered as he saw her eyelids begin to grow heavy. She pulled him closer to her and gave him a sort of half-hug, kissing his neck as he pressed his lips to her cheek.
He closed his eyes and relished her closeness as he listened to her breathing even out when she finally let sleep overtake her.
God, how he loved this woman.
----------
Three days. She had been on the couch for that long, and she didn't plan on moving. She felt weighed down and empty and numb all the time.
So she laid on the couch, stated at the ceiling or the floor or out the window when Robin opened it. She didn't speak, either. Couldn't find her voice. Couldn't find it in her to want to do anything, to exist, to be a part of their family.
She was thankful Robin continued to make arrangements for the kids. She didn't want them to see her like this.
And since she had been on the couch, he had set up a cot (dug out from the dust bunnies and cobwebs in the attic, no doubt) next to her so they wouldn't have to sleep apart.
Now, as the day came to a close, they laid next to each other downstairs and he took her hand and entwined their fingers together. She stared blankly at the ceiling.
“Regina?” He asked softly.
A slight change in her breathing to let out an almost silent grunt.
“Look, at me love.”
A minute or so passed and she sighed, slowly turned her head in his direction, blinked at him.
“Talk to me. How are you feeling?”
She was silent for a few moments and closed her eyes briefly.
“Better,” her voice cracked, the lack of use showing through, “ not nauseous anymore, but still achy and congested and my throat hurts.”
“That's good! I really think you'd get much better rest if you moved up to our bed, though… Do you want to?”
She shook her head.
“How come?” He asked.
“Because I just… Don't have the energy. Breathing, let alone going upstairs, takes too much work.”
“Can you expand on that?”
A pause.
“I feel… Sad. And this sadness has become an exhausting that I feel in my bones, and I don't want to move or speak or think because it feels like my blood is lead and my body is too heavy to function. I'm just sad all the time…”
He sat up and faced her, taking her hand in his.
“Why?” He asked, genuinely concerned.
“I don't know… I just can't find it in me to want to exist anymore. And I feel awful because I have you and the kids and the baby to live for, and I just don't have the energy to…”
He was silent for a moment as he thought.
“This is serious, Regina. I think you should see a therapist about these feelings you're having. You need to talk to someone who can give you precessional insight. I can call Dr. Hopper and have him stop by tomorrow, if you'd like.”
“Will you?”
He nodded and kissed her knuckles.
“Let's go up to bed. I'll help you.”
She nodded and allowed him to assist her as she sat up, then stood up, and she leaned on him the whole way up the stairs.
They laid down next to each other in bed, facing one another, and she kissed his nose as he brushed his fingers through her hair.
“Good night, love,” he whispered.
“Good night.”
----------
The doorbell rang and Regina sighed, fidgeting with the cuticle of her thumb. She felt Robin's eyes turn to her, and she glanced at him briefly before shaking her head no. He pursed his lips and nodded once, standing from the love seat in her home office to answer the door.
She vaguely wanted to answer the door, somewhere deep down in her soul, anyway.Somewhere there was a part of her, the light part, trying to escape the darkness. She could feel the tiny fists of hope pounding on her heart, but the fighting slowed with every beat. She sighed again as Robin reentered the room, Dr. Archibald Hopper at his heels.
Robin pulled the chair from behind Regina's office desk to rest in front of the couple and motioned for Archie to take a seat.
He looked the couple over, taking in Robin's jeans and white polo, Sperry's entrapping his feet; scanning Regina's own dark jeans, her flowy blouse a deep maroon color, and black sandals clasped around her ankles. He did, however, notice the lack of makeup swept across her eyelids and lips, the natural curl of her hair that remained present since she hadn't taken time to straighten it, the dark circles below her eyes and her sunken cheeks. Yes, she looked much less than her typically regal self.
What he didn't know however, was how hard it was to get her out of bed that morning. Robin had practically lifted her out from amongst the blankets, had guided her into the closet and done most of the work dressing her. She had, however, been able to brush her own teeth and comb her hair. So personal victories had been accomplished that morning, though small.
Now, she looked up at Dr. Hopper as he cleared his throat and took the cap off his pen, opening his notebook to a blank page.
“Now, this isn't the first time we’ve spoken, Regina, so things will be a bit different than last time since I've already got a file for you. I have your basic medical history- mental and physical- so we won't need to go through that. So we're just going to talk like normal, and we'll see where we are at the end and go from there. Do you want Robin to stay?”
She nodded and leaned into him and he kissed her head.
Archie nodded and propped his leg across his knee.
“So tell me, Ms. Mills, how have you been feeling lately?”
“Well, um…” She sighed. “We haven't talked in so long and this is harder than I'd thought it would be…”
“It'll probably take some time for you to be comfortable opening up to me again, Regina, but I need to know what's been going on so I can help you. If it helps, you can tell Robin what you've been feeling, and I'll just sit here silently. You can pretend I'm not here.”
She nodded and turned her body to face Robin, coughing something fierce as she was still I'll. She'd been taking her antibiotics since she'd received the prescription, but that hadn't seemed to kick in quite yet.
When she recovered herself, she took Robin's in hers and fidgeted with his fingers, his wedding ring, as she began to speak.
“Well, for… For about five days, now. I've just been feeling, um… Empty. Just, like I don't have a purpose, so why do I exist, you know? That kind of thing. And it's not, like- that is to say, I don't want to die or to hurt myself, but I don't want to exist. Everything, even just breathing or opening my eyes, seems to take more energy than I currently have in my body… I don’t know.”
Robin squeezed her hands and she looked up at him. He nodded at her, gave her a meaningful look. She turned to look at Archie and he, too, nodded at her.
“Keep going, Regina. Pretend I don't exist.”
She turned back to her husband.
“S-sometimes, I just get… inexplicably sad. And I think it's detrimental to my physical health because sometimes I get so sad I don't want to eat, or drink, or take the antibiotics Whale prescribed me...
“And I feel awful for it, I feel horribly guilty. I'm supposed to be a wife and a mother- I mean, I'm supposed to cook and clean and take care of my family and be there for my kids when they need me- and I've done none of that since this started. I've barely seen them because I'm either sleeping or staring at the ceiling, and they haven't even been home much because you don't want them to get sick, so they've been with the Jones’ and the Nolan’s…
“I'm becoming a horrible mother.”
“Is that all?” Robin asked tenderly, shooting a glance over her bowed head at Archie.
“That's all right now,” she said softly, feeling spent from the amount of energy it took for her to expose herself and become vulnerable in such an un-Regina way.
The therapist buried himself in his notes, scribbling and studying. He wanted to find his diagnosis as soon as possible so he could get right to helping Regina.
While he did this, Regina felt Robin's finger gently hook itself under her chin and pull her face up to his, forcing her to look at him.
“Okay?” He asked softly, cupping her cheek and tracing her jawline.
“Not really,” she whispered and he saw the tears fill her eyes, she knew he did because his face became worried, but she refused to cry. She didn't want to.
So she swallowed her tears, blinked them back and cleared throat, and have him a half-smile, which he returned before hugging her warmly.
“Alright,” came Archie’s voice and the couple pulled apart.
“Regina, what you're dealing with is known as prenatal depression. You've heard of postpartum depression, I'm sure. Well, prenatal depression is essentially the same thing, except it occurs before you've given birth.
“Now, it's more likely to occur if there is a family history of depression, a history of depression in that person, having had a miscarriage or stillbirth in a previous pregnancy, having a stressful job, taking care of multiple children while pregnant, and having been a victim of domestic abuse or violence, among other things.
“From previous sessions, we've seen that all of the things I've listed off are things you've struggled with, which out you at a higher risk for PPD in the first place. I don't want to put you on antidepressants, just for the fact that you're pregnant, but there are some things you can do that will help.
“You can spend quite a bit of time with your partner, you'll need to maintain a steady sleep-wake routine- rather, go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time every day- avoid too much work in preparation for the baby's arrival or any type of work at all, a bit of light exercise like yoga or walking. You can also talk to your friends and family about how you're feeling, and go out to dinner or a movie every now and again. And of course, sessions with me will always help.”
Regina nodded at him.
“How frequent are you thinking our sessions ought to be? Bi-weekly?” She asked.
“That sounds perfect. Same day, same time every two weeks?”
“That will be great. Thank you so much, Archie.”
“Any time, Regina. Don't forget what I said. I'll see you in two weeks. And until then, I'll be hoping things turn around for you.”
He walked out the door and let himself out, leaving the couple to themselves in her office.
“Well, you seem much more talkative after that,” Robin noted.
“It feels good to know what exactly it is I'm feeling and to be somewhat equipped to deal with it,” she nodded.
“So are you feeling better then?” He asked. “Mentally, at least, if not physically as well?”
“Actually, I'm feeling better all around. I think the antibiotics are starting to kick in. And if you wanted to have the kids come home and put in a movie or something, I think I'd be up for that.”
“Alright, I will call them and have them head this way. I know they've been missing you.”
“I miss them, too,” she said quietly. “I think I'm going to sit out on the back porch until they get here. I could use some sunlight.”
She rose and was halfway out the door when she heard him call her name.
“Regina?”
She turned and hmmed in response.
“You seem to be doing better already. I'm really glad about it.”
“So am I,” she agreed before exiting the room.
He really hoped things continued looking up for her.
----------
She came down the stairs to see the blonde and brunette heads bobbing as her husband spoke, though she couldn't understand what was being said. She knew he was filling them in, though, because she had asked him to.
The doorbell had rung, alerting her that Snow and Emma were awaiting her on the front porch. Robin had followed her to the entryway to welcome them in, and she had quickly made use of his presence.
“Can you fill them in while I run up to the bathroom?” She asked as she opened the door, to which he responded with a nod.
She brought her friends in, gave hugs, and told them she'd be back in just a moment, and then she had been off as Robin had started talking.
Now, she approached the small group and stood between Snow and Robin, just as he was finishing up his tale.
The two other women practically tackled her.
“Oh, Regina,” Snow said, and Regina knew she was crying from the thickness of her voice.
“Why didn't you tell us?” Emma asked, her lip quivering.
Regina sighed and pulled away from them, taking each of their hands.
“I'm fine, guys. I promise. I'm doing a lot better than I was a week ago. I've been meeting with Archie, as well as following the guidelines he gave me to keep myself from getting depressed, and it's all been helping quite a bit.”
She gave them a small but genuine smile as a reassurance.
Snow wiped her tears and Emma blinked hers down, and they both engulfed Regina in yet another hug. She laughed and hugged them back.
She pushed them away and sent them out to the back porch, following closely behind after giving Robin a quick kiss.
They sat in the wicker chairs around a small mahogany coffee table, a few platters of crackers and cheeses and meats in front of them.
They talked and laughed together, had themselves quite the afternoon. Regina could feel the normality creeping back into her life, into her heart. She felt like herself again.
This was just what the doctor had ordered.
Emma and Snow stayed for just over two hours before excusing themselves back to their own homes and families. Regina saw them out, shutting the door behind them with a smile. She turned and leaned back against the wood of the door and sighed happily.
She was back and better than ever.
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A/N: So there's chapter 23! Two more to go, and then we're done! You excited?
I'm sorry it took so long to post this chapter, but since school started back up I've been really busy. Anywhose, I hope you liked it! Be looking forward to the next two. You'll be meeting Baby Locksley soon!
Much love,
Emily Anne