I leave Jake fast asleep and get up early to go for a run. I've no idea where the energy has come from, but my eyes popped open at 6:30am and wouldn't close again no matter how hard I willed them to. I'd slept well though, probably because of the fitful night before, and so I had lain there in the dawn light of the bedroom playing over all of the possible scenarios which may or may not occur with Caleb later on today. Finally, I'd conceded defeat to wakefulness and pushed the covers off and slipped out of bed.
I ran the two and a half miles to the very boundary of the village and then back, and when I checked my watch as I reached the village roundabout, I was delighted to see that I did it in just under an hour. I'm still the colour of beetroot when I stop in by Ken's and get some croissants but having not run at all for weeks, it's definitely an achievement.
Ken makes small talk with some jovial village gossip, before almost acrobatically rerouting to the topic of my 'new man.' He had seemed genuinely enamoured by Jake, calling him a 'nice lad' with an impeccable taste in football teams. With a promise to pass on his compliments I run much more calmly back home, the croissants soft, warm and fragrant under my arm.
I brew some coffee and practically bound upstairs to see if he's awake yet. Perhaps I should have Jake fuck me in the arse more often? It certainly seems to do wonders for my energy levels.
I push open the bedroom door gently, not wanting to startle him if he is still asleep - which he still appears to be. His hand is resting flat on his chest, his head turned towards me, eyes firmly closed and breathing deep and soft. I don't want to wake him. In fact, I want to climb back in next to him and kiss him from head to toe, but I doubt he'd want me near him smelling like this. Instead, I perch on the edge of the bed and lean down to kiss him lightly on the mouth, smoothing his hair back away from his eyes. It's longer than I've ever seen it, and with the full beard, he looks very different to the Jake I met all those months ago. A more mature, more serious Jake. A Jake who was carrying weighty life-changing things around with him.
Lifting my head back up I study him closely - he's so ridiculously handsome sometimes it looks like he might be carved from marble. His features strong and well laid out, his mouth a particular crowning glory.
Christ, I love having him here when I wake up. I love going to sleep and waking up with him. Which is why I asked him to move in here. He needs a room for Caleb. This means I need today to be okay so that we can have just that. Caleb's room.
As I stroke my hand over the hand resting on his chest, Jake stirs, his fingers shifting to link through mine. When his eyes finally flutter open, framed by those long thick lashes, he smiles. But then he casts a look down my body and frowns.
"Why are you dressed?" He croaks, rubbing sleep from his eyes.
"I went for a run. Got croissants on the way back, they're warming downstairs, coffee's brewing too."
"Jesus, not those chocolate ones?" he asks and I nod. "You really fucking want me to move in, don't you? Pulling out the big guns." He smiles, wrapping an arm around me to pull me down onto him.
"Damn, you saw through my plan. Note to self. Get a new plan." I smile, kissing him again.
"Mmmm, can the new plan be you walking around naked all the time? Oh and a promise that I get to fuck you wherever and whenever I want within these four walls? That'd probably do it, to be honest." He states.
I shake my head. "Do you ever think of anything but sex?"
"Course I do, I think about those fucking croissants," He gazes off into the distance behind me. "I think about them a lot."
I giggle, before attempting to extract myself from his arms. "Ugh, let me up. I need to go shower - I stink."
"You smell hot to me.." He makes another 'mmmmm' noise and pushes his nose into my neck and sniffs loudly.
"You're a deviant,"
"You're one to talk..." He chuckles, slipping his hand into the back of my running bottoms and squeezing my bum. "Let's just stay naked for a bit? I'm hard baby..."
"Jake, you're always hard," I point out. "But do you really want all that chocolate to harden? Cold hard croissants, really? You know they taste so much better warm and soft and hot..." I whisper seductively.
He groans in frustration. "Yeah but I know something else warm and soft and hot... let me eat that instead?" he murmurs sexually against my ear, his voice thick with sleep and something else now. My thighs tighten as I completely consider surrendering to him even in my filthy post run state.
"I'll still taste the same later, actually I'll taste better later. Ken's croissants won't." I moan, closing my eyes to enjoy the feel of his mouth drag hotly down my neck. "I can't anyway because I have so much to do today." I peel myself carefully out of his arms and stand up from the bed, much to his grumbling disappointment. "I have a picnic to organise and then I need to get going to Epsom for a Venetian slideshow - Rob's back from honeymoon today. Well, late last night she got back, but I said I'd be there by eleven." I check my watch.
"A picnic?" he smiles, confused.
I nod. "How else am I going to get your son to love me if not feeding him all of his favourite foods? Which are by the way?"
He smiles deeper and shakes his head. "He's going to love you Alex, food or not, you're his type."
"His type?"
He chuckles. "You'll see,"
"Okayyyy, so what doesn't he eat then? And what does he really like to eat?" I ask, shimmying out of my running trousers which I need to peel from my clammy my skin.
"Actually, he's really good with eating. He'll eat anything you put down to him to be honest. Except brussel sprouts, but most kids won't touch them so,"he shrugs.
"Okay don't pack brussel sprouts, that's helpful," I frown. "Well I'm going to shower and get dressed. Coffee should be ready in five - fancy eating in the garden?" He nods and raises himself up from the bed, stretching his arms over his head. The muscles click loudly as he twists them at an angle.
"So, do you want me to come to Robs with you? Then we'll go get Caleb together?" He asks, scratching a hand over his head before dragging it down over his beard. The sound of his facial hair being rubbed at is rough and scratchy. I remember how it feels between my thighs and tremble slightly.
"Um, no, that's okay. It'll just be girl chat anyway," I say. And by girl chat I mean, I need to tell her I'm carrying your child and ask her what the hell I'm going to do about it. "I thought I'd just come meet you both in the park later?"
Jake nods his affirmative at my suggestion. "So, girl chat - that like when you talk about how sex feels now she's married? Does it feel different? Does it exist?" a smile plays over his mouth.
"Wow, you really know women don't you?" I shake my head in feigned awe, before pulling my t-shirt over my head.
"Not really, I don't know a fucking thing about women." He concedes. Scrubbing his hand roughly over his face again, he starts toward me, and my undressing is halted by the sight. Naked and perfectly erect he shows not an ounce of self consciousness as he strides across the bedroom. Sexually arrogant, god-like masculinity oozes from his every pore. I can almost smell it. It's entirely unfair for a man to look this glorious first thing in the morning.
When he stops in front of me, he slides his arms around me and buries his mouth in my neck once more. "This is how you smell after sex by the way, except a bit sweeter - drives me fucking mental." he whispers against my ear.
"So I smell sweaty and disgusting after sex? Good to know." I groan.
"Nah, not to me you don't. You smell like mine..."
Tremble. "Because you're a deviant." I manage, breathless.
He nods and rears his head up to smile at me. "Yeah well, least you know the half of it now?" He spins me around then and nudges me in front of him into the en-suite. When he spanks my bum, I turn to give him another of my exaggerated gapes.
"Yes, that I do..." I nod.
***
When I pull up to Robs a couple of hours later, I can still feel the after effects of him echoing over my body. It's in the tightness around my thighs and the tenderness between my legs, and it's the sensitive tingling lingering over my breasts - though perhaps that was something else? There had been a moment earlier too, in the shower, while he was on his knees in front of me and his hands roamed over my belly, when he had lifted his head up and looked me deep in the eye. My heart had stopped beating entirely in that moment. He knows, I'd thought. He felt something. I've left it too late. He knows.
"You look so beautiful from this angle, you know that?" is all he'd said, eyes filled with lust and awe. My heart kicked back into motion and my breathing started up again as I'd smiled with relief.
"Better than when I was bent over your desk last night?" I asked innocently.
He had grinned wickedly then, "Hmm, hard to pick a favourite - both are pretty fucking special."
"You're pretty fucking special.." I'd whispered as I took his hands from my body and held them in mine instead.
"I do love when that perfect mouth of yours talks dirty." he said as he lowered his mouth back between my legs.
But I knew I really didn't have much longer. He would figure it out himself if he was paying attention. The fact that he had a lot on his mind right now was only likely to serve me well for a short while more, because Jake paid attention. With me, he was always paying attention. Also, the need to tell him was getting stronger every day. For example, I'd spent the entire run imagining how I would tell him, and when, and the image of him smiling with joy as he dropped to his knees to hug my stomach was something rather spectacular. But I was living in a fantasy land. Because for that to happen we needed to be well clear of not only Jake's 'dark shit' but also Laurent and any lingering thoughts of those cold six weeks apart.
I ring Rob's doorbell and let myself in as I normally do. From the kitchen, some familiar sounding radio -friendly pop song floats through from the space. As does the sound of her singing loudly and horrendously out of tune along to it. As I round into the large modern space she's dancing energetically by the sink, swaying her hips side to side as she screams out every single word. Smiling at the sight, I cross to the large breakfast bar and dump my oversized tote bag down on it, the noise of which still doesn't gain her attention. Her light blonde hair is piled high on her head and her slim body is dark with the tan of a week in the Venetian sun. Her voice unfortunately, is just as bad as it's always been.
Robyn is perfect in almost every way, but her singing voice was beyond awful. Honestly, I had always thought that if Robyn had been able to sing it would really just be unfair on the rest of us. Not that she let this fact bother her - she still sang at the top of her voice at every opportunity.
Still dancing she spins round, freezing momentarily as she spots me leaning over the island counter smiling her.
"Please carry on Mrs Holmes, I was enjoying that." I wave my hand in gesture for her to go on.
She bursts into a fit of laughter before gliding round the kitchen towards me. "Hey you!!!!" she shrieks, pulling me into a fragrant hug. "You look amazing! Jake's obviously been looking after you....?" she winks.
"Something like that" I nod, blushing slightly.
"You look like you've caught some sun too?" She brushes a stray lock of hair away from my face before hopping backwards to the sink. She lifts the small white remote control and waves it above her head a few times until the music drops in volume to a low murmur. "You looked awful last week babe, I was worried about you." she says, eyes tinged with concern.
"Wow thanks Rob, can't wait to see the wedding photos in that case."
She waves a hand. "Oh, you know what I mean! You looked stunning because you always look stunning - you're the only person I know who can pull off miserable and still look beautiful - but you looked so... I don't know barely there. Depressed and shit."
"Yeah, well I was... Depressed and shit."
She nods. "I know, I know. Well, you look a million times better. Take it he's been behaving then?"
"Yes, he has, very much so," I smile. "Sooooo how was Venice?"
"Ughhhhhh amazing. Beautiful, serenely picturesque. You'd love it Al, architecture was fabulous, the hotel was stunning - we got upgraded to the honeymoon suite which was just as well because I'd have killed him otherwise for not booking it in the first place. Considering it was the only thing I asked him to do. But we had a view of the Grand Canal from our room and this snug little balcony which we'd drink champagne on every night. I honestly don't know why they say Paris is so romantic, because personally I think Venice is a million times more beautiful - and you know Italians are just far nicer people than the French." She says definitively. Personally, I've never had any issues with the French but Robyn isn't a fan. "I've got so many photos I can't wait to bore you with them. But you and Jake should try and go at some point, you'd both adore it."
A holiday with Jake. That's right, we were going to arrange something weren't we? "That would be really lovely actually," I nod. "Can't wait to see the photos now! Oh and you look great too by the way - lots of romantic honeymoon sex then? Really hoping you're about to bash the married couples don't have sex myth for me."
"Why? Thinking about getting married?" She giggles.
"Very funny..." I smile sardonically. Though I am carrying his baby and I asked him to move in last night so... I reach across to lift one of the carrot sticks she has in a bowl next to the sink and shove it in my mouth before I say anything more.
"Oh my god guess what Dan said the other night?" She exclaims. "He wants to try for a baby. I mean, Dan. My Daniel, the least paternal guy I know - anyone knows - wants us to have a baby." She says.
My mouth drops open in surprise, and at the odd synchronicity. "Wow... and how do you feel about that? What did you say?"
"I think I just laughed,"she lifts a carrot stick and pops half into her mouth, waggling the other half as she talks. "It was because we saw this adorable family in the hotel - dad, mum and two kids, they were about our age - the mum and dad," she clarifies, like I needed that part cleared up. "Kids were utterly gorgeous, two girls, blonde curls - angels really. The dad was this good looking trendy guy, and the mum was just stunning. Sort of stylish arty type - mother earth personified. I swear he just went all broody on me. 'I could see us like that Rob', he said, 'I think we'd be really good at it, we could still do stuff'." She says, lowering the tone of her voice a few octaves to imitate Dan. "Honestly Al, it was the weirdest thing. But I'm sure it will pass. I'm not ready to have kids, bloody hell. I'd have to redecorate for a start," She says thoughtfully.
Her house is whites and creams and the palest of greys; her house is a style haven show home out of Your Dream Home magazine, but it isn't a family home. So yes, she'd definitely have to redecorate. As she thinks about this a moment her face begins to light up, and because I know Rob I know immediately why that is - she loves redecorating.
"Well, I think it's adorable that he said it. Dan wants to be a dad, god come on that's so cute? Daddy Daniel. Awwwwww." I jest.
Rob rolls her eyes. "Yeah adorable. He would be such a DILF though wouldn't he?" She muses,dreamily. "Speaking of which; have you met Jake's little boy yet? Is he gorgeous? I bet he's gorgeous."
"Actually no, but I'm meeting him today, I'm going to meet them in the park after this. I've got a picnic in the car."
Rob squeals before making an exaggerated 'awwwwww' noise. "A picnic! Oh my god now that's cute! Can't wait to hear all about it," She smiles wide as she moves toward the fridge. "Lets just hope the wicked witch of the ex hasn't poisoned his tiny little mind against you." She's laughing only because she has no idea it's one of my very real fears. I'd reasoned though that whatever damage Vicky had done, Jake would have undone it, balancing it all out nicely.
"Thanks babe," I shudder.
"Oh, I'm kidding, it will be totally fine! Anyway kids are so superficial like that, if you buy him a cone or something he'll switch allegiance like that," she clicks her fingers. "You hungry, or saving yourself for your picnic? I was about to make some lunch? How is your appetite by the way, still fucked?" she turns to me, concern etching her brow.
"It's fine, I'm not hungry."
"But you're eating again?" she presses.
"Yeah, I'm eating again."
"Good, and no more of those fainting spells?"
"Nope, none."
She nods. "Good. What the hell was that about anyway?" she pulls a bag of salad leaves and a large delectable looking tub of olives out of her large American style fridge and dumps them on the counter.
Okay. Now or never Alex. Time to say it out loud. Christ did I need to say it loud.
"Apparently it was about being pregnant." I say.
She whips round and looks at me blankly. "What?"
I nod slowly. "I'm pregnant."
The colour drains slowly from her face sun-kissed, and her hands drop heavy to her sides. Okay as reactions go I guess this wasn't the worst. Though certainly not the greatest either.
"You're pregnant?"
"Yep, pregnant. With Child. I'm having a baby." I confirm with a soft nod.
"How? What even...? I mean since when? Jake?"
My mouth drops open. "Of course Jake, Rob? Who else?"
"I don't know," She says defensively. "Okay, of course Jake. I'm just shocked. I mean how did this even happen?"
I give her a look and she rolls her eyes.
"Alex."
I sigh heavily and move to rest my back against the work top. "Because I was a careless idiot. That's how it happened."
"Uh, excuse me? I'm pretty sure he bears some responsibility for it too." she sniffs.
"Yeah, well I'm the doctor. I should have known better." I say. I didn't exactly expect Rob to be squealing with joy at this unexpected turn of events, but her reaction was more than a little sobering to tell the truth.
She purses her lips and shrugs slightly. "Well... I'm sure these things happen to doctors all the time." she sounds unconvinced, but I appreciate her attempt. "Fuck, you're pregnant. Jesus. I honestly can't get my head round this."
"Yes, it took me a few days too." I admit.
"So what did Jake say when you told him?" she moves closer now, eyes wide with interest.
I lift my head slowly to meet her eyes, biting hard on my lip. I know when she gets it because she tilts her head to the side, and her cornflower blue eyes widen.
"Alex.." She whispers.
"I'm going to tell him Rob, just not... right now."
"Are you keeping it?" she shakes her head. "Sorry, that sounds wrong somehow. I meant are you going to have the baby?"
"Yes, I am. I'm having the baby."
"Then why not tell him? He'd want to know that surely?" she says humourless.
"Of course he would. Rob I just found out a few days ago, and my head has literally been spinning with it ever since - I just needed a few days to get myself used to the idea you know?" I'm willing her to understand. And because it's Rob, and because she's my best friend, she nods, understandingly.
"So now that your used to the idea, now that you know you're going to have the baby, why not tell him? You can't be scared about how he'll react? Alex he loves you, you know that he's in insanely in love with you."
I nod, feeling very emotional suddenly. "I know that, I know he is. It's not that, it's just..."
"It's just what?" she asks softly.
God I hate lying to Rob. I don't ever want to lie to Rob. So many times I wanted to tell her the truth about Jake, about why I couldn't be with him and about why we just couldn't work. But I didn't, because I wasn't ready to say them out loud and admit the kind of man I had convinced myself he was that day. because honestly, I didn't want for her to think badly of Jake.
I take a deep breath and decide to skirt as close to the truth as possible. "It's just that things are really stressful for him right now - work wise, but family wise as well. I don't want to give him something else to stress about. I don't want to give him more to worry about. I want him to be happy when I tell him. Not confused and stressed and weighed down with worry Rob."
She thinks about this a long moment. "Okay but maybe he won't see it as a stress? Maybe he'll be ecstatic about it? Yeah it's soon I guess for you two, but he's a dad already so it's not like this is a completely alien concept to him. He knows the drill."
I lift my eyes to hers and nod. That is true. " I know that too. Clearly I'm the one that's freaking out - he'll most likely be fine, I know he will. At least I hope he will. I just think that the timing is so awful right now that it might colour things, and god I want him to be happy about it - I really want that. And once he deals with the issue at work, I know he'll be in a much better place to hear it. I just have to wait for a bit. A few weeks."
"A few weeks?? Alex, he'll bloody notice by then!" she casts a look downwards to my tummy. "I mean what are you right now? What did the doctor say?"
"I'm seeing her on Wednesday. But I'm about seven weeks, eight if you count it the silly way."
"Ah, so in a few weeks you'll be due a scan and so you can tell him on the way to the hospital, perfect!" her voice is tinged with sarcasm, her eyes accusatory.
"Oh Rob, don't, please!" I groan.
She sighs and looks down the front my floral dress again, her eyes settling keenly on the front of my body. When she reaches across and presses her hand gently to my stomach it feels somewhat tender and I wince slightly, causing her to retract her hand quickly.
"Shit sorry babe, did that hurt?" she asks, looking afraid. I shake my head. Her touch wasn't painful, just slightly odd.
"Well I think he's going to notice Alex. Two at most and he'll know. How will he feel then? When he finds out you knew all this time and didn't tell him? How did you feel when you found out about Caleb the way you did?"
I give her a wide-eyed stare. "Rob thats not the same, come on?"
"No, maybe not. But he'll wonder why you didn't tell him and why you kept it from him. Isn't that the same?"
I hadn't thought about that. Why hadn't I thought about that? I'd only thought about the reasons why I couldn't tell him right now. It hadn't occurred to me that he might actually be hurt that I didn't come to him with it straight away. I know him though, Rob doesn't. He'll understand why I waited. Won't he?
I don't want anymore secrets between us. I didn't think we had any anymore Alex?
I swallow and shake my head. "Not if I explain why I did it. He'll understand... I know he will..." I mutter, more to myself than Robyn. When I look back at her she's pensive and still wary. Then finally she nods her head and lets out a long loud sigh.
"Okay babe. I just really hope you know what you're doing. I hate that you're having to go through all this alone though.." she says, sadly.
I smile tentatively. "I'm not alone. I have you now." Her serious expression is replaced a moment later by a warm smile.
"Yes, you do." she nods, moving toward me to wrap her arms around me. She's careful this time not to press against my tender stomach. "You definitely have me."
An instant later she pulls out of my body with the biggest grin on her face, her eyes bright and wide again. "Oh my god Alex... you're pregnant! You're having a baby, oh my god!" she squeals before hugging me again. With her arms wrapped around me, I feel myself begin to slowly relax as the hope and simmering joy seeps from her into me. "This is so amazing babe, so exciting."
"You think?" I grip tightly onto her arms but the smile spreads over my mouth. She pulls back from me, holding onto my arms still.
"Of course it is!! Yes! You're going to be a bloody amazing mum Al! And I cannot believe you're first! I mean I'm married and been with Dan for ten years and you're first! God, maybe I should give Dan what he wants after all?" She gapes. "You know I always wanted our babies to grow up together? Oh god, this could be perfect! I should make an appointment with the doctor on Monday and get this bloody implant out."
"Rob," I giggle, covering my mouth.
"I'm serious!" she says, sounding it. "But god I need a glass of wine first before I can't have any for months!" she pulls the fridge open and fills up a large glass with a cold white wine that makes my mouth water. "Okay, heres what I don't get though. How it actually happened? I thought you went on the pill again after Ben?"
I nod. " I did. I mean I was. I mean I was careless - not just that night - but I'd forgotten a few. Christ I'm literally the worst example ever," I touch my hand to my head, genuinely embarrassed. "I was due to start my course again the night of the dinner party here, but that was the night we fought and the day before Caleb and Vicky and it went completely out of my head." I let out a breath and peer round at her in the hope that she'll understand, even a little. She nods slowly as the realisation sinks in. She lifts the glass to her mouth and swallows.
"Hmph. I mean it's almost like the universe wanted you to get pregnant..." she smiles, eyes glittering with mischief.
I roll my eyes. "Ah, well if only I could blame the pesky universe. But no, just me being an idiot and having unprotected sex with a man who must frankly the most fertile man on the planet? I mean come on?" I say and she giggles, covering her mouth with her hand. As I follow her through to the lounge and take a seat next to her on the sofa I let out another sigh. "I just wish the timing wasn't so awful Rob. Everything would be fine if not for the timing."
She reaches across and places a comforting squeeze on my shoulder. "The best things happen unexpectedly babe," she smiles.
And wasn't that the truth. Jake was unexpected, and he was the best thing to ever happen to me. Having his baby would only be an extension of that. It couldn't be anything else.
Although Rob's warning about how Jake would feel finding out I'd kept this from him is still lingering, the simple act of having spoken it out loud and acknowledging it, had caused the weight to ease of a little. I could definitely breathe a little easier. It was one of Rob's gifts actually. She had always helped me to carry things when they got a little too heavy for me to manage on my own. I really was lucky to have her.
It made me wonder who Jake spoke to whenever he needed to share something? And Jake had surely carried a very many heavy things throughout his life. Who did he turn to for help? Dan? Surely not Kevin? Did he have anyone he could talk to? Was I now his only confidant? It made me sad to think of him alone.
"So..." She says, sipping from the rustic looking tall glass with a blue rim. Christ it looks so appealing. Only seven months to go Alex. "Any other massive news to share? Anything else happen I should know about? Did you run off and join the circus or anything?"
"Hmmmm, well...," I ponder, thinking hard. "Jake and I had anal last night, not sure if that counts as massive or not?"
The wine lands in a delicate spray on my face as she spits it in shock. It tastes crisp and sweet and cold as I wipe it away with the back of my hand. God, I really will miss you wine.
"Okay, that's it! I am never leaving the bloody country again!" she exclaims as I burst into a fit of embarrassed giggles.