When we arrived at our usual bar, I was way confused, like maybe we had taken a wrong turn somewhere. Our bar was stale, lifeless, and this was one was exciting with music bumping against the walls, and a lively number of people inside.
With an unsettling look on his face, Vic lead the way to the bar, where surprisingly, our stools were not taken.
We sat next to each other and ordered drinks. Was this how it was going to be here now?
"Hey, Frank." I called to the bartender. I've had a few tipsy conversations with him before. Most of the time because I was politely being ignored my Vic. And one time because Vic was getting blown in the ladies' restroom and my phone was dead. I had no other choice. I'm pretty sure we talked about dogs.
"What happened here?" I asked.
"Hipsters." He responded simply.
"Uh..."
"They've been here since this afternoon and they won't leave."
Frank was an older man; he didn't understand this generation very well. And even if I'm not the biggest fan of all these people being in here, I would think Frank would be a little relieved, because then maybe he won't be late on the rent this month.
Vic looked at me, offering me a shrug before lifting up his beer for me to cheers with him. I could tell Vic was already getting used to the setting. I could already see his eyes scanning the place. He was gross.
While sipping at my drink, I was blinded. And by that, I mean somebody came up behind me and placed their hands over my eyes.
"Guess who." They said close into my ear. It sent an unwanted shiver down my spine. I had defiantly heard this voice before, but not enough for an immediate face to pop into my head. It was a female voice I think.
"Uh, I don't know." I said simply.
"Boooo," They whined before removing their hands from over my eyes.
The person leaned in so I could see their face and they could see mine. I was confused and surprised by who it was.
"Oh, shit. Sorry Kellin, I thought you were Vic. You guys look the same from behind." It was Sarah with her perfectly highlighted cheekbones and striking eyes. Vic and I did not look the same from any angle. She was obviously already drunk.
"It's cool." I responded, awkwardly. But she was already looking past me to Vic. She nodded absently before moving over to him and greeting him with not words, but a wet, sloppy kiss. It made me uncomfortable.
"Oh, let me go get Aaron." She spoke when they parted before she stumbled away to retrieve her friend that I really, really did not want to see.
"You're dating a hipster." I told Vic.
"So are you," He countered even though we were not dating Sarah and Aaron.
Eventually, came the awkward encounter with Aaron. It was like waking up from a one night stand and then trying to make conversation with them the next morning like you care. The difference was that it had been a week and Aaron and I never had sex.
----
It was sometime after 3 am when Aaron and I had fallen asleep in my bed. I woke up because my throat felt like it had suddenly been bordered with sandpaper. I was in desperate need of water.
I ventured out to the kitchen, quietly. The lights were already on because Vic was in there. He was sat at the island, drinking a large glass of orange juice. It's what you do after sex. We knew that.
Vic had brought Sarah home again, which meant Aaron came along as well. The awkwardness between Aaron and I at the bar had disintegrated by the time we got home, with the help of some alcohol. Tonight I didn't really monitor how much I drank, I just downed it almost like it was water. I needed it with Sarah and Vic beside me, talking dirty to each other at the bar. The things I heard would be etched into my brain forever. Unfortunately, no amount of alcohol would make them gone.
I didn't say a word to Vic in the kitchen because I knew my words would fail me until after I have had some water. Vic's eyes watched me as I served myself and downed the entire glass.
"Water." He commented, but meant 'you didn't have sex.' It was accurate.
"Water," I practically gasped after the lack of air I took while I drank my water.
I placed my glass in the sink then went and sat across from Vic, put my hands under my chin, and gave him a cheeky smile.
"What?" He smiled back.
"You like Sarah," I teased. I just enjoyed fucking with him.
"I don't."
I wanted to smack him. Why wouldn't he just admit his feelings? He doesn't usually sleep with someone more than once unless he likes them. And Sarah was nice, so I suppose I would allow this.
"Why do you have to be like that?" I asked.
"Like what?" He lifted a brow, knowingly.
"You know, all stone-cold and heartless."
"What? I don't even know who you're describing." He insisted.
"Whatever." I rolled my eyes playfully and got off my stool, making my way back to my room.
I knew he liked Sarah. I wasn't sure how really I felt about it though. Does this mean Vic would actually have a girlfriend? What would happen to us?
"Do you like Aaron?" He asked to my back.
"Goodnight!" I called out instead of answering his question.
--
Things went on like this for weeks. Vic would invite Sarah and Aaron over so him and Sarah could fuck --and whatever else they do-- while Aaron and I just hung out. It was actually getting nice? I was slowly becoming more comfortable with Aaron and even began looking forward to him coming over almost every day.
I was currently getting less disgusting for their arrival today, brushing my teeth. Vic let himself into the restroom while I did this. As long as I wasn't actually using the restroom, I was okay with this.
I watched him through the mirror as he came up beside me, then reached into the cabinet, retrieving his deodorant. I never really noticed that he kept that in here instead of his room. Just when I thought I knew everything about him, there were these little things.
I spit into the sink before saying, "you never put deodorant on for me."
"Oh. I'm sorry, honey. I'll make sure to do that next time," He responded sarcastically. I think 90% of our conversations were soaked in sarcasm.
He then put the antiperspirant away, but stayed in the restroom. I was done brushing my teeth and he was finished coating his pits, yet we stayed there, watching each other in the mirror for a while.
"What the are you looking at?" I questioned.
"I don't know." He shrugged. "What are you looking at?" He countered, and I didn't know either. What were we doing? I shook my head and looked away.
"Have you done it yet?" He then asked, making me turn to actually face him.
"Done what?"
"You know...the sex."
"Oh, my god! Why are you so obsessed with me having sex?" I asked
"I'm not!" He said, instantly. Kind of like when guys do something slightly homosexual, and they feel the need to automatically say 'not in a gay way'.
"But you've been seeing Aaron for a while, and I think you guys are a little behind on the whole fucking ordeal."
"Okay, first of all, Aaron and I are not dating. And, I'm not like you, Vic. I don't have to fuck somebody the second I meet them."
I actually didn't know what Aaron and I were doing. I don't know if we are dating or not.
"But it hasn't been a "second"." He said with air quotes.
"You know what? Why don't you just fuck Aaron yourself? Will that make you feel better?" I said, getting a little annoyed now. Even though Vic has been with me through most of my transitioning, there are some things as a cis guy that he will never understand.
"Kellin..." He started, dropping the discussion to a 3 from where it was an unnecessary 11.
"I'm sorry, it's just... I can't, Vic."
"Why?" He asked. I squinted my eyes at him. Did he like... just completely forget that I am transgender and hey, you know what? not everyone likes that.
"Incase you forgot, I don't exactly have the perfect, avarage guy body."
"No guy has the perfect, average guy body. Look, so what you have a little more, you know--" he said, making a boob gesture that looked like he was carrying a dog to his chest-- "It doesn't matter because people are still gonna fall in love with you, people are still gonna want to fuck you."
"Vic--"
"No, I'm not going to stand here and let you throw yourself a pity party. You're going to get fucked tonight, even if I have to do it myself!"
"Um..."
"Yeah, I heard it, didn't mean it that way." He shook his head. "I just mean, try it? You know, if you want to. Don't be so scared of what Aaron will think. He seems like a sweet guy."
"Evan was a sweet guy." I said.
"No!" He scolded like I was a dog who peed on the rug. "No taking about him."
We don't talk about Evan.
"Just try," he said, softly. "And if it doesn't work out, then fuck him. You don't need him."
--
I was practically vibrating. It was as if I had downed at least 2 cups of coffee. Aaron and Sarah were here. The four of us were lounging in the living room, watching Attack on Titan. It was an anime. Sarah and Aaron had no idea what was happening in it, but it was one of me and Vic's favorite.
The moment would have been nicer if my palms weren't sweating so much.
"I'll be back," I spoke low to Aaron who was sat beside me on the couch. He nodded before I stood up. I saw his eyes follow me out of the room.
I ended up in my room where I could freak out in peace. I paced around like a nut job. My phone rang from inside my pocket. I pulled it out and saw Gabe's face. No doubt he wanted to talk about his dog or something. I tossed my phone on my bed because now was not the time. Were people supposed to panic this much before being intimate with someone? I don't know anymore, it's been so long.
I sighed and sat on my bed. I had actually made it today because I knew Aaron would be here.
What was I doing? Was I going to try and have sex with Aaron to please Vic, or was I going to do it for myself? Did I even want it? I wonder if Aaron even still wants to have sex with me.
Okay, what would happen if we didn't have sex? Would we just be frozen in the awkward 'it's complicated' state? I didn't want things to be complicated. I wanted to know what was happening between Aaron and I. Was he a good person for me, that would accept all of me for exactly who I was? I didn't want to waste my time.
Or would he be another Evan?
Vic tells me I'm not allowed to bring Evan up, I guess that was his way of getting me to forget about it. Like, if I push him far enough from my memories, then maybe he won't exist in them anymore. It didn't work. I am always thinking about Evan, because once upon a time, I was in love with him.
Evan and I met online. I know, super romantic. When we met in real life, he was a total gentlemen and all. We went out for about 5 months before things began shifting into new territory. Things began to get intimate, and although we had made out plenty, I was always conscious of how our bodies touched. But when it finally came to having sex, I was more than ready for the contact. All of it. I knew that I loved Evan a lot and he loved me. I didn't think anything could possibly go wrong.
The second he actually saw my body for what it was, everything went to shit. I never told Evan I was transgender because I didn't think things were going to get so serious. I didn't see the point if things were going to be casual and short-lived. But things did get real, and I became scared of what he would think.
When it came to the point of us having sex, I thought that he wouldn't mind. Like, maybe he loved me enough that it wouldn't even matter. I was so wrong.
He was disgusted, and I knew that because he made sure I knew it. He accused me of lying to him. He thought I was just a little girl with some fetish. He was furious and even threatened to hurt me, but Vic was quick to get involved and protect me. He threatened Evan right back, threatening to call the police and make sure they knew of Evan's hollow intentions. I say hollow because there is a part of me that believed he wouldn't have actually hurt me.
I was heartbroken after that. I seemed to have forgotten how dangerous it can be to be stealth with people. They will think you're lying to them when they do find out, when in reality you're just trying to protect yourself.
I decided that there was just one solid way to find out what kind of person Aaron was. I went over and made sure that the door to my bedroom was locked before I began taking off my clothes. I pulled off my 'The Doors' T-shirt, then the tight fitted shirt I had under that. I was left with a bare chest after that. I owned a binder that held my chest in a way that gave off the effect of a flat chest, I just didn't wear it all the time. It hurt sometimes and was restricting, so I usually wore tight shirts under loose, baggy shirts when I could. It wasn't that bad because I had pretty small boobs anyways.
The next thing I did was pull off my jeans and boxers. I was now completely naked, watching myself in a full-length mirror.
I just wanted to see myself for a second, just before I show myself to Aaron.
I took in every curve and analyzed every bump and dip. The truth was, I liked my body. I didn't look at my body and think 'this is a girls body. This is not what I should have.' No, I didn't think that because I knew it wasn't true. It didn't matter if I had breast or a vagina, I knew I was a boy. My body is not wrong, but other people believe that it is. Other people will look at my body and try to tell me that it is a girl's and I am a girl when they don't even know me! I can only do so much about that. I can't just magically get people to stop assigning a gender to people they do not even know. The only thing I can change is my body. If I alter my body to fit other's standards, then finally I will be recognized as something I already see myself as.
This is why It is so difficult for me to open myself up like how I am going to do with Aaron, because they may not connect what I have told them, to what they see my body as. They may not feel how I feel about myself when they actually see me bare for them.
I looked at myself in the mirror once more. I had long hair under my arms, but smooth legs. I shaved for myself. I didn't like leg hair, but I didn't mind armpit hair at all, so that was how I chose to shave. Body hair has nothing to do with gender. I hope Aaron will understand this.
I threw my band tee on, along with my jeans. I threw the other clothing in my closest. That was why my room was always so clean, because I just threw everything in the closet. But Never open my closet unprepared. You may get trapped under pounds of clothes and go missing for a week.
I exhaled deeply before marching out into the living room again. I passed through the kitchen while doing this, and found Vic and Sarah kissing against the fridge. How gross. My food is in there!
I tried to ignore them and reached Aaron. He was still where I had left him, but he was on his phone now.
I stood right before him, waiting until I gained his attention. His eyes shifted up to me. His brows dipped and he locked his phone to focus on me.
"Aaron.'' I started. He didn't say anything, which I took as a silent 'continue'.
"You wanna fuck?" I asked. It was smooth--or at least I convinced myself it was. I kind of felt like Vic when he picked up ladies.
His brows raised. He looked very intrigued by my offer. I was suffering. I was nothing like Vic.
"Yes." He said.
"Alright," I nodded before reaching my hand out to him. Surprisingly, it wasn't too sweaty. He took it with a smile, standing up as I helped him by pulling.
We had to pass Sarah and Vic to get to my room. It was terrible.
Vic had a stupid look on his face because he knew what I was doing. He bit his lips to try and conceal the smile, but I saw it. Sarah was doing almost the same to Aaron, except she wasn't hiding her grin at all. I wanted to tell them to go take a walk or something, just anything to have them not here. I didn't even want to think about them.
I didn't. instead I pulled Aaron closer to me to get him to my room faster. I'm not sure if it worked. When we got into my room, Aaron switched things around and pulled on me, bringing my body to his, but that wasn't what I wanted. We couldn't just dive in like that.
"No," I breathed, letting him go and pushed away. "Just sit down." I instructed like he was my pupil and I was his teacher.
"Okay." He nodded. I think maybe he took this as some kind of foreplay.
He sat at the edge of my bed and I stood a bit away. I sighed, reaching up and running both my hands though my hair. It was a little damp from sweat, which was disgusting. No, that wasn't I wanted. I didn't want to present myself as disgusting. I wanted to somehow morph myself into something breathtaking, like a mermaid. But I was so human and the most I could do was sweat and say stupid things.
I dropped hands to my side where they hung lifeless. I could do this. And if it didn't work out, then Vic would swoop in and protect me, and then maybe he would kick Sarah out of his life along with Aaron from mine. I don't think I would mind that too much. If it came to that.