~One hour earlier~
"Mary I'm so glad you're here!" you said, a grin spreading on your lips as the blonde woman gave you a bear hug.
"Are you kidding me? There is no way I was going to miss my granddaughter's birthday!" she chuckled and you let a small giggle.
"Please don't stand here, come in and feel free to make your way to the back. The party is already at full swing." you said, giving John a hug as well.
"Is that AC/DC I hear?" he asked with a frown and you shrugged.
"Don't look at me. The only thing I forgot about was music and decided to leave it up to Dean. But I don't think Mary minds that much and the kids seem to enjoy it so." you shrugged again and he chuckled.
"Well, she is Dean's daughter. I don't think she would mind." Mary laughed.
"Oh yeah just be glad I didn't let him get her a Led Zeppelin birthday cake." you said with a huff and she laughed more.
"He would literally be lost without you (Y/n)." John chuckled and you gave him a shrug.
"We both would be lost without her." a voice answered instead of you and an arm was wrapped around your waist as you felt a firm chest being pressed to your back, making you stiffen more than relax.
"Hey mom, hey dad." Sam added with a grin.
"Hey sweetie." Mary kissed his cheek and you found an excuse to get him off you for a second. It wasn't his fault though, it was all yours.
"Uh baby can you take this to the rest of the presents please?" you handed him the big pink wrapped box and he nodded his head.
"Sure thing." he kissed your forehead before he left you.
You turned to Mary and John "Come on, let me take you to the party. Bobby is already here, and so is Ellen."
"Jo and her husband?" Mary asked.
"On their way. They called just half an hour ago, they should be here any time now." you replied with a smile.
"That seems great- oh dear!" a bright smile spread on her lips as she took in the sight of kids running around.
"You organized all of this on your own (Y/n)?" John breathed out the question and you chuckled with a shrug.
"It was nothing. I mean Dean helped too... with the music I guess." you giggled and he laughed as well.
"Well, this is pretty damn good job girl." he nodded his head with a grin, his eyes roaming the backyard.
"I've gotten used to it I guess, although this is her first big party." you shrugged and he shook his head with a laugh.
"Well dear this certainly looks amazing!" Mary exclaimed and you smiled brightly.
"And that defintiely looks delicious!" John added as he eyed the buffet and you and Mary giggled.
"I cooked it all myself, so feel free to eat as much as you want. It's safe. Plus we've got plenty of refills." you patted his shoulder and he chuckled.
Mary gave you a small nod as John made his way towards the buffet, and Bobby there as well.
"You really shouldn't underestimate your work, (Y/n). This is great. Mary is so lucky to have a woman as you in her life. I would never want another one as a role model for her."
"Thank you Mary, you- you have no idea how much this means, coming from you." you breathed but she shook her head.
"I am merely saying the truth (Y/n). You've done so much for her, Dean has told me everything and even if he might not see it- you have done so much for him too. And now with Sam-" she paused smiling at you and you looked down shyly.
"I only do it because I care for them." you shrugged.
"Yes but you seriously have- Oh. Oh my." she blinked her eyes widened and you didn't have to follow her eyes to knowwhat she was looking at. You were just surprised she hadn't noticed from the first minute, although that was what you were praying for actually. You looked down fidgeting with your ring, a blush creeping up on your cheeks.
"Is that- is that what I think?" she whispered and you bit your lower lip.
You looked up at her shyly nodding your head "Yeah Sam proposed to me about two weeks ago."
"(Y/n) that's- that's-" a smile was slowly spreading on her face but she had to hold it back when she saw the look on your face.
"I-I didn't give him an answer Mary, not- not yet. He- He said he could wait and I- I needed time." you mumbled, not daring to look at her in the eyes.
"Time?" she whispered and you shut your eyes for a moment.
"Sweetheart-" she placed a hand on you shoulder "-I am not going to judge you because Sam is my son. I want to be your friend and I hope you already know that."
"Yes Mary, yes I know" you whispered "It's just- not something I can talk about as of now. I still- I am-"
"A mess?" she whispered and your head snapped to her direction "Sweetie, I- I understand. Trust me, more than you realize it." she breathed out a laugh.
You frowned at her, tilting your head to the side "Mary it's not that simple."
"Again, I told you- I understand. It's not just about the marriage, and the prospect of that scaring you. It's something else." she smiled knowingly, almost too knowingly that started to make you slightly panic. But before you could start stuttering she spoke up again.
"But it's alright. I told you, you don't have to say it out loud. And if you don't feel comfortable with me then it's absolutely fine. I just- you think about this, alright? Thoroughly. No rushing. And if you're scared of making the wrong decision then I have only one advice-" she placed her hands on your shoulders.
"Mary." you whispered, once more feeling guilty. She couldn't be talking about the proposal, not just it at least. No,definitely not in this way.
"Follow your heart (Y/n). Only that, you hear me? Your heart. Will show you the way, trust me." she gave you a small wink.
You opened your mouth to speak but once you found no words coming out of your lips you closed it again and nodded your head. She smiled again, kissing your forehead.
"That's better. Don't worry (Y/n), in the end you'll know you've made the right decision." she rubbed your shoulder "Now if you'll excuse me, I will go make sure he doesn't eat all the food meant for the kids." she giggled, winking at you and soon was off to John and Bobby.
You sighed and let your eyes roam the place for a little while until they landed on Dean, making you hate yourself for how happy (in a way) you were to see him talking with Cas instead of Lisa. She was off playing with some kids as well as Charlie. It almost made a smile spread on your lips. You let a small sigh as you turned and got back inside, unaware of Dean's eyes on your back watching every move as Castiel next to him sighed.
~*~
"You cannot be serious now Dean. Please tell me you are joking." Castiel let out a heavy sigh giving his best friend a scowl.
Dean pursed his lips and looked down "No Cas, I'm not."
"Dean!" Castiel could barely keep himself from raising his voice "She is your brother's fiance!" he kept on the scolding tone but lowered his voice significantly so that nobody could hear.
"She hasn't given him an answer, alright?" Dean found himself growling before he clenched his jaw "Besides- Cas you of all people know how much I-"
"Have always loved her, yeah." a sigh left Castiel's lips as he looked down.
"So what now? What are you going to do? You know you cannot keep it up. And you cannot keep doing this to your brother, I know how much you love him as well."
"I don't want to hurt him Cas. The reason to all of this was his happiness. His and (Y/n)'s. But I was so screwed up that I couldn't take it anymore." he let out a frustrated sigh.
Castiel sighed himself "I know for how long you've loved (Y/n), Dean. And she you. It is just sad that it had to happen this way for the two of you to realize it."
"I was so fucking stupid for doing this to her. And I hurt her Cas. So bad." he swallowed thickly.
"You were stupid for the right reasons Dean." Castiel placed a hand on his shoulder "But you must do something now. Sam does not deserve this and you know how much it will hurt him to find out about this on his own. You need to be the one to tell him everything, before it's too late."
"I'm- I'm not going to wait any longer, no. And (Y/n)- she doesn't want to do something real behind hs back. She cares about him just as much. Sam doesn't deserve any of it. But we need to find the right moment, Cas."
"Yes the right moment. But if you want my advice Dean you better not wait any longer for that. You must not wait any longer. Besides... you deserve to be happy just as much as everybody else. I know how much you've gone through your life, it's best if you put an end to this soon."
"Yeah, it's for the best."
~*~
You let a small sigh, chuckling as a little boy – Shepherd wasn't it? - ran back inside with a piece of browny in his hands. And you didn't have to guess who gave it to him.
"Gotcha" Sam said with a proud grin as his arms came to wrap around you and despite the guilt you put a smile on your face "You think you could keep avoiding me for all evening?" he asked with a smirk and you felt your eyes go wide.
"S-Sam n-no I- I- you know I-" you started stuttering, feeling your cheeks heat up.
He chuckled "Relax baby." he whispered, turning you to face him "I was only kidding." the smile slightly fluttered from his lips as a worried expression took over.
"Baby is everything alright?" he asked again and you let a small sigh.
"Yeah, Sam. Everything, I just- I am a little tired I guess. I've been overthinking about this, wanted it to be perfect and all so I-"
He cut you off by pressing a soft kiss on your lips and you had a hard time not sobbing "It's ok." he whispered once he pulled away "Maybe I shouldn't have been gone so long either." he mumbled, resting his forehead against yours.
"It's not your fault Sam." you whispered, looking down.
"No it is. I should have made sure to be fast and come here to help you. Instead my surprise only added to the pressure." he muttered but you shook your head.
It was partly true, though. His surprise had been all but a shock to you. Just as you were getting everything ready and one guest after the other had started arriving Dean had tried talking to you. Not having exchanged lots of words for the past three days and having parted the way you did, left room for lots of discussion. But Sam had chosen just that moment, when Dean was so close to you ready to speak, to ring the bell. And of course to be all over you, with Dean watching everything of course.
His kisses hadn't changed but you wished he wouldn't notice the change in yours. Although he still made you melt into his arms you felt there were times as if you would break into tears any given moment. The guilt, every time he held you, or smiled at you that carefree smile of his, or pressed a soft kiss even on your forehead, killed you on the inside. You felt as if you were the wort person on this Earth for doing such a thing to him when all he did was give you his love.
And just the thought of what you'd done with Dean, who by the way was standing right there, made you feel sick with your own self. Sam was so happy to be back but you- you had no idea what was going on anymore.
"No, Sam." you finally breathed out "No don't say that. If anything, having you here is- is always something positive. Just a smile and you can help me relax any given moment." you breathed out, for the first time actually honest.
He smiled and nuzzled his face into your palm "You know-" he whispered before opening his eyes to look at you "- I have always my ways of making you relax and later I plan on doing so." he smiled and you felt shivers run down your spine.
"Sam." you whined slightly and he chuckled.
He moved his arms to wrap them around your waist before hugging you and burying his face at the crook of your neck "I missed that you know." he mumbled "You saying my name that way. Can't wait to have you scream it too, and everything else in between." his fingers played with your shirt and you let out a shaky sigh.
You buried your face at the crook of his neck as well, your hands slowly moving up to wrap around him as well, and you felt more than terrible foractually contemplating this "We'll see, Sam. We'll see." you said instead.
He stopped his movement, going still at your words before he pulled away to look at you "Baby are you alright?"
"Y-Yeah, why are you asking?"
"Because you honestly don't seem like it. Did- did something happen? You know you can tell me everything." he frowned, tilting his head to the side and you sighed looking down.
Why did he have to be so great? So perfect? Why did you have to feel things for his brother? Why did you have to still feel things for him as well? Why did you have to fel so complicated? Why couldn't he just make this a little easy to you? Why did he have to make you feel s damn guilty for all of the things you felt?
"It's about the proposal isn't it?" he whispered, a frown setting on his face and your eyes widened slightly.
"S-Sam."
"No, no (Y/n) it's fine. Look-" he cupped your face "I told you- the moment I proposed, I didn't want you to rush to make this decision. Because hell it is early. I don't want you to pressure yourself. And- and if you already have then baby I-" he breathed out, pressing his lips together.
"I don't mind. I won't mind. Yes or no I still love you (Y/n), and I am willing to wait as long as it takes for the moment to come. Even if it never does. As long as you will have me then- I don't need anything else (Y/n)." he breathed out giving you a dimpled smile and you felt yourself almost choke on an oncoming sob.
"Gosh why do you have to be so perfect Sam Winchester?" you breathed out and he chuckled.
"I'm not." he shook his head "Maybe you just see me this way."
You shook your own head, feeling as bad as it could be for doing this to him- hell to them. Because at the moment you were doing to Dean what you'd done to Sam a few days ago when you kissed his brother. Because now you were leaning up, slowly and reluctantly but surely, and pressed your lips to his. It was as if this was the first kiss you were sharing, slow and hesitant, almost shy but Sam didn't miss the chance to respond. Just as tenderly as you though. Damn him for making this harder for your heart. Damn your guilt for all of this.
"I love you (Y/n)." he whispered once he pulled away from the short kiss and you let a small sigh, giving him a smile that didn't reach your eyes but that felt even a little bit real.
This was probably harder than any other time but this time everything was different. Because right now he wasn't the only man you had said those words too, or were going to anyway.
"I love you too Sam." your voice was barely above a whisper but he heard and smiled warmly at you.
You felt your heart both shutter and soar at the same time. How had you gotten into this mess? You only knew you needed to sort out everything and very soon.
Just as he opened his mouth to speak the doorbell was heard and with a grin he spoke up "I'm gonna get it." he pecked your forehead and you nodded your head at him.
He let go off you and was fast to make his way to the door. The smile fell from your lips and a sigh escaped as you felt the pain like a stab in the chest. You simply loathed yourself.
You rubbed the back of your neck before turning around to take a look at the kids. You immediately regretted your decision as you saw Dean and Cas standing, well, not too far away in fact. A shaky breath left your lips as you held Dean's gaze, almost for longer that suitable, before they floated to Castiel.
"Cas, hey." you breathed out, trying to put on a smile "We didn't talk much when you came." you said softly and he nodded his head.
"Yes and I apologize for that. We've both been busy I suppose." he said ever-so-calmly it almost managed to soothe you down a little bit.
"Yeah, busy." you mumbled rubbing your arm nervously, sneaking glances at Dean.
"You and Sam seem to be quiet happy together." he noted and you took in a sharp breath.
"Yeah well, lots of things have happened in the past months." you let out a small sigh.
"I can see." he said and you followed his eyes to your hand and what- oh. Oh!
You felt nervous and shifted from one leg to the other "Yeah about that- well it's just a proposal I-" you paused, looking at Dean "I haven't given him an answer."
"Yet" Dean spoke up this time "But it's bound to happen. With how much you two love each other it's not hard to guess what it will be anyway." he almost looked hurt by the words that left his lips.
"Hm" Cas hummed because you couldn't utter a word "Well, I am really happy for you (Y/n). Sam is a great man."
"Ye-yeah" your voice was hoarse as you looked down "He is."
"Lots of things have changed in the past months, for sure." he mumbled and you frowned for a second, although it wouldn't surprise you if Dean had confided something like this to him. He'd be the only person anyway.
"Ye-Yeah."
"I mean Mary has grown up a lot, it sometimes surprises me how much she changes over time." he had an adorable smile on his lips that made you giggle.
"It happens with kids, Cas. They grow up very fast, and soon enough she'll be a young lady."
"If she takes after you then I believe everything will be great. You have done an amazing job in raising her so far, (Y/n)." he gave you a small nod.
"Thank you Cas." you rubbed his arm, covered in his favorite trenchcoat "I know that if you, Sam and Dean decided to take care of her on your own we'd probably have tomboy nerd interested in bees."
He frowned for a second "I'm not sure whether that is bad or not. Bees are quiet lovely creatures." he blinked.
You giggled "I was sure you'd think so Cas."
Unknown to you was the small smile that spread on Dean's lips, despite his heartache, at hearing you laugh. You always were so carefree around Castiel and Dean just had the best chances to catch you smile for real whenever he was around.
"But just so you know- she already loves bees. And that squishy bee you got her on her second birthday is still by her head every night." you winked at him with a grin and he smiled.
"I am glad she liked it. I was trying to show her how loved she is."
"Trust me Cas, that she knows. And let me tell you she's got a soft spot for you. Maybe even more than for her daddy." you chuckled as he grinned.
"I am glad to know this." he gave you a soft smile "Well you know I would always like to talk a little more, I have quiet missed our conversations you know."
For the first time you felt yourself smiling widely at the awkward man "I have missed our talks too Cas. I'm sorry I didn't come over, I got caught up with so many things I-" you let a small sigh "I promise, tomorrow first thing I do is visit you. We have breakfast alright?"
He smiled slightly, glancing at Dean for a second "That would be great. I believe we have a lot of things to catch up on."
"Y-Yeah" your voice trembled "I'll uh- well sorry for now guys, I have a bunch of kids to take care of. And man are they all hungry. And I am not talking about the adults too." you gave Dean a playful look that made a small smile grace his lips.
Before he could realize it a chuckle left his lips "Well, excuse me if I've got an appetite and I happen to love your food."
"Sweet talking me never got you anywhere Winchester, you'll have to try harder." you wanted to say playfully but it came out much softer and he almost nodded his head.
"I gotta go now, Cas I will see you tomorrow alright? I'll be there by 10:30 for sure." he nodded your head at his words and you pecked his cheeks before you were gone from their sight.
Just at the moment that Sam was coming back into view.
~The reveal~
"Lisa." Dean said firmly, his jaw clenching at the look in her eyes. He hugged you protectively to himself.
"Care to explain?" she raised an eyebrow "And please, don't tell me it's not what it looks like because I know very well what I saw!"
"Li-Lisa." your voice trembled but her eyes held so much fury as she looked at you.
"I didn't talk to you!" she snapped making you take a sharp breath in.
"Watch your tone." Dean all-but-growled the words, his grip on your tightening. You only looked down in shame.
"Oh excuse me, did I maybe offend your little slu-" she didn't have time to complete her last word as Dean practically roared at her.
"I said watch your fucking tone!"
You gripped on his shirt the second he took a step forward. His eyes met yours and you gave him a look he fully understood and tried to keep his cool. He took in a deep breath and looked back at her.
"Right." she said sharply, venom dripping from her voice as she sent daggers your way "I forgot how much you care about your best friend. So much that you don't put anything in front of her."
"Lisa." he exhaled though he still had his jaw clenched.
"What? What Lisa? Were you even planning on telling me? Or were you going to keep screwing your brother's fiancebehind our backs?" she growled, taking a step forward. You saw a flash of hurt through Dean's eyes and you squeezed his hand.
"Lisa, please stay calm." you spoke softly but immediately regretted it as she gave you a death glare.
"You have no right to ask me to stay calm. You have no right to speak in the first place! Not at what you two have been doing! You better go check your fiance won't find anything. I'm sure he wouldn't be all that pleased to know you're seeing his brother too."
Her words felt like a stab to the heart and your eyes casted down in shame, tears welling up. Dean immediately looked at you and gave you a squeeze.
"Enough." he growled "This is between me and you, not her. She didn't do anything to you." he puffed out his chest once more and you buried your face at the crook of his neck once more.
"Oh is that so? How come Dean that the woman that got between us has nothing to do with this?! How come the whore that couldn't keep her hands to herself and went with both brother has no-"
"Stop it fucking now!" Dean roared, completely furious with her "She has nothing to do with this!"
"Then who does Dean huh? Who? Because don't you dare tell me it is either my or Sam's fault for-"
"I'm in love with her!" he shouted, cutting her off. To say that her eyes went wide would be an understatement. A gasp left her lips as a hurt expression then took over. Dean practically never said those words out loud, much less to women except his mother and daughter. So him saying that for you meant he was serious because well, he had never said them to her.
"I am in love with her." he said in a lower voice, looking at you "I have always been. And always will be."
"Then what the hell were you doing with me?!" she growled, disbelief lacing her features.
"I had- I had pushed her away, into Sam's arms. I was- I was just trying to find a way to get over the pain and-" Dean was stuttering words but-
"So what?!" she cut him off "What was I? Just a distraction? You seriously just used me to get over her? As if I was a fucking toy?!"
"No." he breathed out "No, no Lisa don't say that. I never- and I mean it, never wanted to play with you. You were no toy." he clenched his jaw.
"Oh so wasn't I? For months you laid next to me, made love to me, said all the things you did and now what? You take it all back? Because you never meant any of them? Tell me Dean did you mean any of it?! Ever?! Or was I- was I just a distraction from- from the love you felt for her? Did you use me to- to replace her, and Ben for the family you couldn't have with her because she was with your brother?"
"I never meant to just use you. I- I felt things for you once, Lisa. I thought it could probably work, too. But that was before (Y/n)."
"So what? What were you going to do? What would you do if I didn't walk in this moment Dean? Were you going to keep doing this? Were you going to keep kissing her and telling her you're in love with her when I wasn't there and then come and kiss me? Were you going to do that even when she was there? Would you really kiss me in front of her, act the way you do, and then go behind my back and kiss her and tell her you love her?!" her eyes filled with tears that made you hurt even more.
And she continued "That's what it all was about huh? When you came to me and kissed me and held me the way you did and made love to me- you were thinking about her? Tell me Dean, were you thinking about her every time you had me in your arms? Were all those things you said to me- meant for her? All of it? And the wedding? You called me there for a reason didn't you? You wanted her to see all of it to make sure she was only Sam's after that?" she hissed.
Dean didn't say anything he only pursed his lips and looked down at you just as you looked up at him, and locked eyes. A tear rolling down your cheek.
"But what am I even asking? Of course you were! Tha's why things were different lately. You were trying to convey your feelings for her through me. You used me to-" she shook her head "But wait-" she raised her hands, Dean still keeping a gold glare on her "What would you do when your brother was the one that kissed her? Would you still go to her? Sam wasn't here and you two-"
"Enough, alright. Enough." Dean's voice was rough "You and I need to have a talk. And this time you are going to listen to me."
"Yeah right." she scoffed "If you ever decide to be honest."
"I will. I am. But-" he paused for a second before he looked down at you "Can you leave us alone for a second? I need to do this on my own." he whispered.
You pursed your lips, squeezing your hands before giving him a reluctant nod "Please don't do anything-"
"I will regret, yeah I know." he whispered, managing to give you a soft smile. He hesitated for a second before pressing his lips to your forehead, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.
You let a small sigh, brushing away your tears and smoothing down your hair you broke free from his arms and slowly made your way to the door. You stopped for a second once you were next to Lisa.
"I'm sorry it ha to happen this way." you whispered to her but she just pursed her lips and shook her head.
You sighed again and walked towards the door, giving Dean a final look, him smiling at you, and you exited the kitchen; making sure the door was fully closed and nobody was nearby.
"I'm listening." Lisa crossed her arms in front of her chest and raised her head to look at him.
Dean let out a sigh before opening his mouth to speak. It was time for one after the other to learn the whole truth and for this to come to an end, no matter how painful it was going to be.
~*~
"Hey cherries-" Charilie's voice made you turn around to face her "Are you alright?" the smile faded from her lips once she took in your expression.
"Yeah, yeah Charlie don't worry."
"Yeah well it doesn't look like that to me. We're in a birthday party, not a funeral." she crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"Charlie I can't really talk about it." you mumbled.
"Do you want me to call Sam maybe?"
"No!" you said almost a little too quickly "I mean no, Charlie please I- I have lots of work to do yet."
"I could always help you know that." she shrugged.
You nodded your head "That would be very much appreciated."
"Ditto" she winked at you before a softer expression took over "And know that whatever you want to talk about, I am here."
"I know Charlie, I know." you gave her a smile and after a little while followed her away from the kitchen door to the back garden.
Although your eyes locked with Sam's for a moment, a frown was set on his face and you had never felt more guilty.
~*~
You laid in darkness with Sam's arms wrapped around you. You felt as if you were suffocating but not because he was sleeping next to you, all cuddled up. It was because your own feelings made it hard to breath. The guilt above everything else was crawling up your chest and making you want to vomit.
Not only because Sam had been so sweet to you ever since he came back but also (and mainly) because of what happened with Lisa a few hours ago. You could still feel her glares piercing right through your skull but that hurt less that the look on her face the moment she saw you and Dean on the kitchen. You could only imagine how awful it would be if Sam was in her place.
You clasped a hand over your mouth feeling your insides crawl up for a second and you squeezed your watery eyes shut. You took in a few deep breathes to try and calm down yourself. At least Sam's steady breathing next to you managed to put you to peace for a moment. He at least didn't know anything, as much as you hated yourself for wanting that, because if the case was different he would have said something... right? He would have done something, or would even refuse to lay down next to you, not to mention try to get you to make love. But you just couldn't find it in yourself.
You had betrayed him. That was very much real and as much as you loved him you couldn't let him touch you when you had let Dean do so a few days ago. Sam was so sweet, so great with you all the time and you had done something like this to him? You felt like you were the worst person on the world.
You opened your eyes and resumed to staring at the wall right in front of you, which would probably be what you would do till the very morning. Or not.
You saw the screen of your phone lit up and a small buzz followed, then another and another. You slowly moved one hand to grab it. You squinted your eyes as you opened the phone, your breath immediately hitching on your throat. It was from Dean.
R u awake?
I need u baby girl. Please.
Really bad. Come over, pls. I need 2 c u.
And soon another message followed, before you could type anything.
R u with Sam?
You chewed on your lower lip, glancing at Sam before letting out a sigh. You still hesitated, feeling the guilt eat you on the inside, but you typed back.
Yes he is asleep. What's happened?
Is he holding u? Did u let him kiss u?
Dean, please. What's happened? R u ok?
Did u let him make love to u? Or did u start it?
Dean, pls stop. That's enough.
You shut your eyes for a moment to keep the tears from rolling. Until another message popped up.
Answer me. Did u?
No, no nothing happened. I swear. Now tell me, what's happened?
Good. Can u come over? I really need u, rn.
Dean u r worrying me. What has happened? Is it about Lisa?
No. Yes. Does it matter? I just need u. It's u, always u.
Dean, r u drunk?
Not enough. Can u come over now?
You chewed on your lower lip, trying to keep in a frustrated groan. Your entire body screamed for you to go to him your mind had doubts. But you didn't have time to respond as another message popped up.
I love u. I really really love u bby.
Maybe that was all it took for you because you let out a defeated sigh and with a final glance you typed a short reply.
B there in 10.
You sent it and setting your phone aside you tried to pry Sam's arm from your waist. He gave a small groan and you paused mid-action. You started trying to slide away slowly again only to stop when another small groan left his lips. But to your luck he mumbled something in his sleep and pulled away his hand and turned on his side. You still had time to take it back and not go, to just lay down there with Sam and cuddle with him, but you didn't.
You slowly got out of bed and grabbing your phone you walked towards the door. You didn't know what you'd tell him if he woke up in the middle of the night and didn't find you there but- you couldn't stop yourself. After a final glance you closed the door behind you, letting him sleep as you padded softly down the stairs. Grabbing your shoes and keys you got out of the house and rushed to Dean's house.
You knocked on his door, chewing on your lower lip as you waited for him to open. You glanced around you nervously, your eyes mostly at your house; scared Sam would come out any moment. What the heck were you doing here at this time? But still you felt the need to be close to Dean at this moment for a reason you could not understand.
You felt a gasp leave your lips when the door open before you could realize it and Dean grabbed your hand and pulled you inside roughly.
"Dean what the-" you stopped mid-sentence as you took in the sight of him. He looked horrible.
"What happened?" you whispered, your eyes filling with tears.
"Is screwing up everybody's lives not enough?" he choked out a laugh but you shook your head.
You glanced at the bottle on the table, half empty "Are you drunk Dean?" you breathed out.
He shook his head "No, no I'm not. I'm sober as fuck and that's the worst of all. I can still feel everything." he swallowed thickly. You put your things aside and brought your hands up to cup his face.
"Dean will you tell me what happened?" you whispered and he rested his forehead against yours, letting out a trembling sigh.
"Is Lisa here?" you asked again but he shook his head.
"She left once everybody had gone. She wouldn't stand even looking me in the eyes. But I- no matter how much I hurt her I feel- I feel relieved (Y/n). And that's so fucking awful." he mumbled pulling away from you and running a hand down his face.
"Dean it's- it's alright." you whispered.
"Is it? Come on (Y/n) you don't believe it yourself." he shook his head "The things she said for you- I couldn't take them."
"It doesn't matter Dean. I probably deserved all of it." you shrugged but he pursed his lips and shook his head.
"No, no you didn't deserve any of it. But I-" he sighed "I did. She called my a hypocrite, a liar and a cheat. She said that I-that what I did to her, to Sam... to you even, that I deserve the worst for all of it. That I just should rot in hell and I- I- she was right (Y/n)."
"No Dean." you breathed out your eyes going wide "No, don't say that please. You made mistakes it's just- just human to. Please try to understand that. We all made mistakes in this story." all you wanted was to reach out for him and hold him for as long as you could.
"But-" you sighed "Is that why you wanted to see me?" you whispered but he shook his head.
"No, no." he breathed out turning to face you again "It's because I want you. I need you." he emphasized, cradling your face in his hands.
"D-Dean, don't do this to me now." your voice was shaking.
"Why? Tell me why and I will stop." he whispered, his hot breath fanning over your face.
"Be-because-" a lump formed on your throat that prevented you from speaking.
"I need to ask something of you and you- you need to promise me that you will say no." he breathed out and you frowned.
"Wh-what?" you whispered.
"Say no, I need you to say no to him (Y/n). Say no to his proposal and we could- we could run away, with Mary. She'd love the adventure." he breathed out a laugh, a broken smile on his face.
"You know we can't Dean." you mumbled, not looking into his eyes.
"We can. If we want to. You know what you have to do." he gave you a squeeze for emphasis and you pursed your lips.
"Say no." he repeated "I feel terrible for asking something like this but- but think about us on the front seat and Mary on the backseat, driving to- to that cabin in the woods. We could be free from everything. And together.Together." his eyes held hope and you felt terrible not only for wanting this but for what you were about to say.
"D-Dean... It will break him. I can't do this-"
He cut you off "But you have to. Please I'm begging you." he choked out as a sob left his lips "Say no to him. Don't marry him (Y/n). Don't- I love you."
"D-Dean you know I love you too but- but-" a tear rolled down your cheek as more welled up in your eyes. You shut them tightly and turned your head away from him.
Part of you probably had forgotten it as Dean's lips made your mind go blank. He was so intoxicating that he just made the feelings you had for him take over but that didn't mean you had no feelings for Sam. Other than not wanting to hurt him you had another reason for hesitating to go on with Dean. A deeper reason that you could never get rid of, even if you had momentarily forgotten. But all it took was to stare back in Sam's eyes and there it was, and it wasn't just guilt.
"You love him too." he breathed out, the look on his face made you feel as if a dagger was stabbed in your chest. He took a step back and away from you.
"Dean I- I don't want to hurt you and you know this. But I cannot hurt Sam either. The way I feel for him... I love him, I'msorry- I'm really sorry if this hurts you but- after all this time, you pushed me away Dean and finding comfort in him made me really... feel things for him as well."
He swallowed thickly, taking a shaky breath "Then let me have you just for tonight. No matter what you chose, no matterwho it is going to be let me- let me be yours for tonight and you mine. Just for tonight."
"I- I don't want to hurt him Dean." you forced through your tears.
"He won't know. I promise I won't let him know. Just this one. A first and last time and then I- I can leave you alone. I will leave you alone, I will never bother you again or-"
"Shut up." you growled "Shut up right now, don't you say that ever again you hear me?" you brought your shaky hands up and cupped his face "I don't want a life without you in it, friend or whatever else it is."
His lips formed a smile that soon faded away "I know how much you love him, I promise to make up for all of my mistakes but just- just let me have this for tonight." his green eyes were filled with tears, almost red "I just need you to be all mine for one night. Just for one night."
You shook your head with pursed lips "I have not given him an answer yet, Dean. I- we- we have time."
"But you cannot say no to him either." it was a statement, a bittersweet smile on his lips as you looked down.
"I need time." you whispered.
"And I understand that. But I just- I need you baby, really bad. I am begging you just- once." he let out a broken laugh "Just let me believe this lie that you are only mine for tonight and then- then you can take whatever decision you want to."
"Then- then do whatever you want. If you can't find it in yourself to say no then- then don't. But I just need this for once, just once. To know you were at least once mine. I regret wasting all this time with my stupid decisions but- but please don't leave me like this." he was desperate you could hear and see it in his face.
For some reason, a reason you didn't know, he was talking as if this was the last time he was seeing you or talking to you. As if tomorrow morning he was just going to lose you.
"Dean-" you started speaking to find yourself pressed flush to him.
"I want you. I need you desperately. Please, I won't ask anything else from you. Never again. Just this- this one. Be mine?" he tilted his head to the side and you closed your eyes, taking in a deep breath. Which of course you soon regretted because his scent invaded you and you felt yourself get dizzy.
"I know I lost you, long ago with the things I did. That what we had, even if we get together, it will not be there."
"Dean please-" you choked on a sob "Don't say this. I- I love you. I always have."
"Then don't deny me this. Please." a tear rolled down your cheek and you felt yourself holding your breath "I need you (Y/n). I need all of you tonight. Not just a part of you while Sam- while Sam has the rest. Not while he has all of you, not while he can wrap his arms around your naked body after hours of- of- I can't stand the thought of that (Y/n). I can't stand the thought of him having you any time he wants to when I- when I have been dreaming for so long to just make love to you and show you much you meant to me."
You felt your breath hitch on your throat at his words. Dean rarely used this words but then again he had told you he loved you many more times than you had heard him say all these years you knew him. But again those words made shivers run down your spine.
He let out a shaky sigh, his hands dropping to his side as he took a step backwards "That is if you want this. I need to beone with you, I need to have a part of you in me and you of mine but- that is only up to you."
You hesitated for a moment, biting your lower lip as you knew you had the chance to turn and walk straight out of the door and back into Sam's arms. But you didn't.
"I do." you breathed out, striding to him "I want to be yours. Only yours tonight."
His eyes widened for a moment and a gasp left his lips but before you could comprehend it he was cupping your face and crashing his lips to yours in a kiss so desperate and full of need but above all love.
Because yes tonight you belonged only to Dean and he was the only one that existed for you, even if by tomorrow you didn't know in whose arms you'd find yourself.