A week later, I hadn't seen Prince and had successfully managed to push any feelings I may have felt about him away. Although he was really someone I loved being around, I was well aware that he liked to have an array of women. I wasn't the only one who enjoyed his affection. Not to mention I had Janet hanging on by a thread.
It had been raining for the last four days, but the sun finally came out. That was good since I planned on meeting Karen for lunch at a little cafe in downtown. I plopped down in the metal mesh chair outside the cafe waiting for her to show. She was always late for everything.
"Finally! I thought you forgot about me." Looking down at my watch, telling me she was 45 minutes late.
"Oh, aren't you the dramatic one today. How could I forget about you Viv?"
I pursed my lips at her before standing up and giving her a hug. "How you doing?" She asked as she rubbed my back.
"I'm good."
We sat down and ordered our food. As usual, we talked about everything under the sun. Well, everything except the client I was seeing. I could tell she wanted to go there but was hesitant for some reason.
"So...what's going on with that guy you're seeing?" She finally asked at the end of lunch.
"Well, it's nothing serious, but it's good. He's actually a really cool person, I like being around him."
"Like what do you guys do together besides have sex?" She asked curiously as she stirred around the lemon in her iced tea.
"Just hang out." I paused, trying to think of something we did together, "Like last week we went to this little place in the middle of no where. We just laid under the stars and drank champagne. I don't know, he's funny and sweet and really easy to talk to." I shrugged, before taking a sip of iced tea.
She rolled her eyes, "And it's nothing serious?" She questioned suspiciously. "Girl, you sound sprung on him. And there's no way a 'casual sex' partner would do all that romantic shit."
My head shook vigorously, "Well, it wasn't like that and I'm not sprung on him. Even if I did like him, he's not really relationship material."
"How so?" She stopped before a disappointed expression took over her face, "Viv, is he married?"
I gasped, "Damn, Karen! No he's not married. It's just, I don't know. He's not the type of guy to just settle with one woman. From what I've seen, he usually has a few women at once."
"Well, you shouldn't be fucking with anybody like that. That's for sure. You're only gonna get hurt Viv." She pleaded.
I shook my head in disagreement, "That's the thing, there's nothing to get hurt over because there's nothing there."
"I don't know, it just seems wrong he would be with you and other chicks at the same time."
"Kar, remember, I'm the one cheating on my girlfriend. Everything about this whole situation is wrong, ok? But I don't want to talk about it anymore."
She rolled her eyes at me before she finished up her last bite of food. "I don't know why you always do that." Her voice was so low, I could barely hear it.
"Do what Kar?"
"Whenever things get a little too much for you you shut it down. It's like you don't want to face the facts that your life is a fucking mess right now."
My voice got low as I leaned into her, "You don't think I know that Karen? Every time I look at Janet, I feel an overwhelming rush of guilt. Every time I lie to someone about her or about P-... the guy I'm seeing, you don't think I feel like shit?" I could feel a lump in my throat form as I wrestled the tears away.
She got quiet as she watched me blink away my emotions. "Well, why don't you stop seeing the guy? If it's just sex, just stop seeing him. Wouldn't that take some of the guilty feelings away?"
"I can't." I shook my head, not wanting to say what'd been so hard for me to admit, "I have so much fun with him. I mean, I really like spending time with him and talking to him." My voice trailed off.
"So you do like him then?" She unsympathetically concluded.
I hesitantly nodded yes, "But we can never be anything more than what we are now, believe me." I shrugged, "I don't care though, if this is the way it has to be then I'm fine with that."
She took my hand and just stared at me. There were words on the tip of her tongue that she wanted to express but for some reason didn't. For once in her life, Karen took a silent stance over something.
After lunch with my friend, I was exhausted. I did have feelings for Prince, but I would never let him know it. I didn't want to ruin the fun we were having with my sappy heart.
When I got home I checked my messages to see if Janet called, but there was nothing. I became increasingly worried, since I usually would have heard from her by now. She'd been gone from my radar since I gave her the $100 the week before.
Part of me wondered if she took that $100 and used it for drugs instead of what it was intended to be used for, but I knew I had to have some trust in her. Or at least try and give her the benefit of the doubt.
I looked at the clock and told myself if I didn't hear from her within the next two hours, I'd call and try to find out where she was.
I sat on the couch and read some magazines to pass the time. There must have been a rare moment where the two of us were in sync because within fifteen minutes of me sitting down, Janet called.
"Hey Viv."
"Oh hey J, what you been up to?"
"Oh," she stammered for words, "I was in St Paul with some friends."
"Oh." I couldn't help but think the worst.
The line was quiet for a long time. "I was thinking about coming over, is that ok?"
"Sure. I'll see you in a little bit then?"
"Yeah."
I had my suspicions about her using coke again, but I couldn't really question her over the phone. So I decided to just wait until she got to my house to see if she was using or not. She was very bad at hiding her impairment so when she was high, I could always tell.
An hour later, Janet walked into the house. She looked beat, but her eyes were fine and she wasn't fidgety or anything. "Hey J, I made some salad for us. You want some?"
"Yeah." She lead the way into the kitchen then she scarfed down her salad like she hadn't eaten in days.
"Yeah, I figured you'd be gone for a few days since your bags were packed, but I didn't know you'd be gone that long." I tried to make my voice sound as casual as possible as I attempted to uncover more details about her whereabouts.
"Hmm...yeah, I was in St Paul."
"Who lives over there?"
"Just some people I met back when I was in rehab."
I felt comforted to know that she was at least with people from rehab and not with the old druggie friends she'd tried so hard to cut loose when she got clean the first time.
"Did you have fun over there?"
"Yeah, I guess." She shrugged, poking at the last piece of lettuce on her plate with her fork.
I could tell she was hiding something, but she wasn't high and I had a heap of lies and secrets as of late, so I didn't really feel like I had a right to question her in any way.
We went back into the living room and sat down quietly as I flipped through my magazines again. "Hey, do you think I can maybe borrow another $100 from you?"
I scrunched my face at her question, "Uh, what happened to the other $100 I gave you?"
"The car registration was more than I thought I would be because I got all these late fees."
"How much more?"
Her eyes darted around the room, "Uh... I don't remember. You know what, don't worry about it. I'll ask my mom again, she gets her disability check on Friday."
Janet's mom struggled financially and although I wasn't loaded, I could spare a $100 that I knew her mom didn't have. "No, I'll give it to you."
I went to my purse and gave her the $100 so I wouldn't forget later. "Thanks. Hey, you wanna go upstairs and lay down? I'm exhausted."
"Yeah, go ahead, I'll be there soon." I sat back down to finish the article I was reading before getting up to go to bed.
Right as I closed my magazine, I remembered I needed to get the paperwork ready for the meeting I had with Prince the next day. A slight tingle in my stomach made me feel slightly tense when I thought about our meeting. I hadn't seen him since the night in his car and only briefly talked to him on the phone a few times.
Our meetings were usually scheduled for the late afternoon, but apparently he was busy with a jam packed schedule so his assistant pushed my meeting to an early 9:00am.
I finally made my way upstairs and into my bedroom, changing into a pair of long pajamas. I was starting to become less and less attracted to Janet the more time I spent with Prince. My eyes soon fell upon my cheek as I thought about the next day's meeting with Prince.
As day break hit, I walked over to my bedroom window and looked out to see cloudy, rainy skies about. It was going to be another one of those days.
I turned around to find a dead-asleep Janet laying with her arm hanging off of the bed, her finger tips were nearly touching the floor.
My line of sight followed the length of her arm down to the floor where her clothes were. She always scattered her clothes right next to the bed, last night was no exception.
I walked over to the pile to move her clothes so she wouldn't trip over them like she'd done so many times before. When I scooped them up, a few things fell out of her pocket but there was nothing I could do since my hands were full.
The pile of clothes in my arms soon found their way to the chair in the corner of the room. I went back to pick up the fallen items off of the floor.
A lump in my throat formed when I found a baggy full of white powder. Without even thinking, I sat down on the bed next to Janet and just stared at the bag.
She must have felt my body sinking into the mattress next to her because she woke up. "Hey, good morning." Her groggy voice was just above a whisper as she reached over and ran her cold hand under my pajama shirt to rub my back.
I turned around and held the baggy in front of her. "What the fuck is this?"
Confusion laced her face as she scrambled for words, "Uh, where did you get that?"
"It fell out of your pocket J! Where did you get it? And with who's money?" My blood boiled.
"That must have been in there from when I relapsed, I haven't used, I swear."
I looked at her like she had three heads, I knew she was lying. "I swear Viv, I haven't done any drugs since that night. That must have been in there from then. Please believe me."
I knew it was stupid of me to believe her since there was no way she'd gone that long without washing the pants, but the sincerity in her voice gave me no choice.
"Ok, so you don't care if I flush it then?"
"Here, I'll help you flush it." She got up and we walked into the bathroom together. She poured the white powder into the toilet and we both watched as it go around the toilet drain until it was gone. "You believe me right, Viv?"
I didn't want to answer her, but she had to know that I did support her in her recovery. "Yeah, I believe you."
An unreadable smirk lined her face before she tapped the side of my cheek with her fingers and gave me a kiss. She turned and walked away, leaving me standing in the bathroom alone. I felt like I had no choice but to believe her, but the pit of my stomach was telling me something about that smirk was wrong.
I shook it off and got in the shower to get ready for my meeting with Prince.