"No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with
Someone I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I'm best with you, yeah!
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year"
"I'll Be There For You – The Rembrandts"
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He could only see her back, her tense shoulders and her arm mechanically moving following a certain pattern. The room was silent except for the chopping noise the knife she had in her hand was making. He stayed there for moment, watching her at the kitchen counter, cutting some vegetables. She didn't seem to notice his presence there so he enjoyed the short moment of catching her unaware.
After the visit at the hospital and a quick check up on Barry's health, they had gone straight back to the beach house. Everything was fine with him, the doctors just repeated that he had to take things easy and rest a lot. Some test results would take a few days to come, but they weren't worried. Barry had been really, really, lucky.
Caitlin had promised she would prepare the dinner for that evening, so, as soon as they had arrived at the house, she had disappeared into the kitchen and Barry had decided to leave her alone for a bit and follow his doctors' orders and had gone to take a nap.
He had noticed how silent Caitlin had been after their little conversation with Anthony. It seemed like his words had stirred something inside the young doctor and Barry couldn't quite put his finger on it. He wanted to ask, but he didn't. And the last glance she had sent him before going to the kitchen told him she was grateful he didn't push for answers.
But now, almost four hours later, Caitlin was still in the kitchen and Barry was beginning to get worried about her. He didn't think it would take her that long to cook their dinner. When he stepped inside the kitchen, he saw that she was still in the second phase of her cooking process. Which meant she hadn't spent the last four hours cooking. Knowing her, she had probably spent her time deep in her thoughts, enjoying the alone time.
"Do you need a hand?" He came up behind her, startling her as he rested one hand on her shoulder.
"Geez, Barry! You seriously have to stop doing that!" She hissed as she did a small jump. "You know better than to scare a girl with a knife in her hand." She berated him. "Or I'll literally take the hand you just offered." She added with narrowed eyes, gesturing her knife threateningly at him.
Barry lifted his hands in surrender and grinned. "Sorry."
Caitlin rolled her eyes at him but the thin line of her lips transformed into a smile. That damn smirk of his was always so contagious that she could do nothing other than stare at it and smile back. When she realised she was staring, her eyes flew up and locked with his for a moment. Caitlin's heart missed a beat. It didn't help that a few hours ago she had promised herself that she would really try to move on. Even though her head knew Barry wasn't the answer to that, her heart always seemed to betray her when he was concerned.
There was a certain amount of tension floating around them and she couldn't have any of that. So she tore her eyes away, looking back at her cutting board.
"Anyway," she breathed out, breaking the tension, "I'm almost done here, so there isn't much for you to do."
With that, Caitlin went back to chopping, expecting him to leave. But he didn't budge.
"Well then, I'll just keep you company." Barry cheered, leaning back against the counter next to her. "Besides, I think it's better this way. I'm sure you remember how skilled I am in the kitchen." He added with a shrug, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
Caitlin bit her lower lip to keep a giggle from escaping. But when she glanced at him and her laughing hazel-brown eyes met his twinkling green ones, the sound just came tumbling out of her mouth. Barry couldn't help thinking it was music to his ears and he willingly joined in her fit of laughter. A couple of minutes passed by until they could catch their breaths again. They both perfectly knew to which incident he was referring.
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Caitlin let her finger slide under her bag's strap, trying to lessen the weight off her shoulder. But she knew it would only give her a few seconds of relief. She tried to pick up her pace, but she was already weary from the school day she just had behind her.
She stopped for a moment, readjusting her heavy shoulder bag before resuming her walk. She was almost there anyway, it wouldn't be long until she'd be at her boyfriend's house, enjoying a huge glass of water and just chill for the rest of her Friday.
A stupid English project had kept her occupied for the past couple of hours at her high school while all of her friends had already gone home to begin their weekend. But no. Caitlin Snow was too serious for that. She wanted to finish that project before the end of the day. So she had dragged her project partner with her to the library and they had worked hard on it.
Two hours later, the project was practically done but her partner had begged her to stop now and finish it later in the weekend or even next week. Caitlin had wanted to protest, but she couldn't help feeling tired too. So she had reluctantly agreed and the other girl had ran out of the library as if it had been on fire. Caitlin couldn't hold it against her. She, herself, just wanted one thing: get rid of her bag and cuddle up with Barry.
Everything froze when she turned the corner of Barry's street. She felt her heart drop in her chest and her breath catch in her throat as she saw a revolving red light shining just in front of his house. She barely registered the fire truck that was attached to it. She dropped her heavy bag, which made a loud 'thump' as it hit the floor, her books spilling out, and she ran towards Barry's house. Frenetically, she looked around to see if she spotted any gurney or any injured person.
But she didn't see any.
Panicked, she made her way inside and there she saw Henry Allen calmly talking to two firemen. She thought she heard him apologise but she wasn't paying that much attention to the conversation.
When she caught Henry's eyes, he smiled at her and nodded towards the kitchen. "He's in there." He informed her. She didn't need to ask whom he was talking about, she already knew.
The first thing she saw as she stepped inside the kitchen – even though a thick smoke was still very much present, trying to make an escape through the opened windows – was Barry slumped on a chair in his whole lanky glory. His elbows rested on his knees, his face was buried in his hands and his hair was sticking up in an even messier state than usual. As if he had felt her presence, he lifted his head slowly.
Barry looked sheepishly at her. "I tried to make that Italian dish you really wanted to try, with pasta and cheese and ham, the whole lot in the oven, you know? I wanted to surprise you with it because I knew you would be dead tired." His eyes dropped down to the burnt plate. "It didn't go so well..."
Her eyes followed his and she gaped at the state the plate was in. She could barely make out the remains of pasta. She then looked at the ruined oven, the burnt door torn out, and bits of dark smoke coming out of it. She realised then how this could have gone very, very, wrong. She turned her attention back to Barry who was waiting for her reaction.
Caitlin hastily closed the distance between them and kneeled in front of him, her hands instantly encasing his face to make sure he wasn't hurt.
"Are you okay?" She finally breathed out.
"Don't worry, I'm fine." He rapidly reassured her. "Really!" He added as she raised a doubtful eyebrow. "I'm just really embarrassed right now."
A relieved chuckle escaped Caitlin and a shy smile turned Barry's lips up as he saw her reaction. But his smile dropped down as Caitlin suddenly swatted him in the shoulder.
"Ouch! For real?" He squealed, lifting a hand to sooth the shoulder she had hit.
"You scared me to death, Barry!" She almost shouted, her voice thick with worry.
Barry looked apologetically at her before gathering her in his arms. She automatically straddled his lap and buried her head in the crook of his neck as she loved to do, but his usual scent had a new smoky touch that she wasn't sure she liked. No, she hated it for sure. It only reminded her how simple things could turn south and how fragile life could be.
But Caitlin relaxed immediately once Barry dropped a soft kiss to her hair. "I'm not going anywhere, Cait." He whispered into her ear and she really wanted to believe him.
"I dropped my bag outside when I saw the fire truck, so you'll have to move your butt to go and get it for me." She mumbled in response, not wanting to stay too long in a heavy conversation. "You owe me that at the very least."
Barry just chuckled with a nod and tightened his grip on her.
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"What are the others doing?" Caitlin inquired as she transferred the chopped tomatoes from the cutting board to a bowl. Barry stole one piece in the process and she playfully swatted his hand away. "Quit it!" She protested.
The young man beamed innocently at her before answering. "Eddie and Lily are playing cards on the beach. That girl is the devil; she wins every round... Even against me!" He whined, earning him an all too well known Caitlin-Snow-roll-of-eyes. "And Iris is finishing one of her articles she has to write for next week's special edition."
Caitlin nodded and went to the cupboard, retrieving some more ingredients. She frowned when Barry stopped talking. She couldn't help noticing he had left someone out.
"What about Patty?" She asked as curiosity got the best of her.
Barry's eyes fell down to his hands that were nervously playing with the hem of his button down shirt. Caitlin waited for his answer, going back to chopping. She guessed his discomfort was linked to the state he had been in when they had left the house to go to the hospital earlier today. And again, she would let him the choice to talk about it or not.
A couple of minutes passed by before she heard him exhale loudly next to her. "Patty left," he sighed, "I think she broke up with me."
"What?" Caitlin squealed in surprise. The knife she had been holding in her right hand slipped up her fingers and made a clatter as it fell on the cutting board. As a reflex, Caitlin lifted both her hands to make sure she wouldn't cut herself. "What do you mean, you think she broke up with you?" She asked once she made sure the knife was lying somewhere safe.
Barry shrugged, trying to act unaffected by the subject of their conversation, but not quite meeting her eyes. "She said we needed a break but also that she wasn't sure we could ever go back to being a couple. Which is completely absurd if you asked me."
Caitlin sent him an apologetic look. "Oh I'm so sorry, Barry... what happened? I mean, why did she suggest the break in the first place?"
Barry took a deep breath a stole another piece of tomato from the bowl. Caitlin didn't even bother to try to stop him this time – she didn't have the heart to. She could perfectly see that he was reluctant to tell her the real reason behind the break up. She didn't want to push him, but at the same time it was killing her not knowing why.
Finally, he met her eyes and her heart skipped a beat at the intensity she saw in them. "She asked me to choose between you two..." Barry replied softly.
Caitlin's jaw dropped and her eyes went completely round. She couldn't believe Patty had given him an ultimatum – that ultimatum above all. Sure Patty and her weren't the best of friends, but they had gotten along in the few times they had spent a moment together. Caitlin's eyes got even bigger when she realised what his statement actually meant. "And you chose me? Are you crazy?!" She gasped.
Barry frowned at her reaction. "I actually expected more sympathy and gratitude from you."
"What?" Caitlin shook her head as if she was really thinking he was crazy. "No Barry, I'm not worth it! I know you're trying to be a good friend by not leaving me alone. But I'm not worth you ruining your relationship!"
"Of course you are, Cait!" Barry protested, his heart breaking for how little she was considering her worth to him. "I promised I'd be there for you. I'm not letting anything come in between!"
Caitlin's breath caught in her throat and her heart began beating crazily as if she was in a heavy workout session. She could feel her pulse beat crazily against her throat and if Barry's eyes weren't set on her own, he would probably see it thumping against her skin. His words were sending her mind and heart into frenzy and she couldn't do anything to stop it. She didn't want to feel like this, but Barry Allen was Barry Allen. And she never had had any control over herself when he was concerned.
She opened and closed her mouth half a dozen of times, not finding the right words to reply. "But we're talking about your relationship here!" She finally retorted. She had no idea for how long Barry and Patty had formed a couple, but to her, they looked serious about each other. "I don't want you to put your life aside for me. I know I'm a mess, but I can take care of myself without you. You have to tell her you changed your mind."
"No." He simply stated, crossing his arms on his chest.
"Why the hell not?" She squealed, a bit taken aback by his firm voice.
He didn't flinch. "Because that'd be a lie." He simply pointed out. "I'm not changing my mind, Cait. If she gave me the choice again, I would choose you again, without a doubt."
"Damn it, Barry!" She cursed, slightly thumping her foot on the floor. "Why do you always have to be so stubborn?!"
Barry simply shrugged, his arms still crossed on his chest, and stared at her in silence, not budging from his spot, showing her he wouldn't change his mind. He was firmly standing by his decision.
"Did you at least fight for her? Did you try to change her mind?" Caitlin insisted.
At those words, Barry looked down sheepishly and she instantly understood that, even though he didn't want to show it, his choice was heavy on his mind.
"Barry..." She whispered, trying to make him speak up his mind.
He took a deep breath and looked up. "I tried to convince her we didn't have to take a break, but..." he shook his head, as if searching for the right words to describe his thoughts, "I didn't fight as hard as I should have." He finished in a whisper.
"Why didn't you?" She murmured her question, afraid that his reply would hold too much importance.
Barry shrugged as if trying to lessen the seriousness of their conversation. "I don't know... I chose you before I could even think about it." He simply said.
Voicing the fact that he would make the same choice over and over again made him wonder why he hadn't fought more for Patty, why he hadn't been the great boyfriend he had always been ever since Caitlin had come back into town. It made him wonder why he didn't feel heartbroken like he thought he should be, like when Caitlin had broken up with him. He really, really, liked Patty. But maybe that was the problem. He wasn't in love with her. In another life, in another universe, maybe he could have.
But he had given his heart to a girl a long time ago and he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't get it back. He didn't want to get it back.
The thought made him feel even worse, realising how badly he had treated Patty these past few weeks. First he had lied about the nature of his past relationship with Caitlin. Secondly he had diminished the importance of him spending time with his ex. Then he had invited her to their away vacation and, on top of that, he had been paying more attention to Caitlin then Patty. When had he turned into such an awful boyfriend?
Caitlin let out a frustrated puff of air and went back to chopping her vegetables, trying to ignore his burning gaze still firmly set on her. Everything was a mess. She really didn't need this right now. She didn't need her heart jumping in her chest because Barry had chosen her over Patty, she didn't need her brain reading too much into it, she didn't need the shivers running along her spine every time he looked at her, she didn't need the itching feeling to drop everything and gather him in her arms to comfort him.
Suddenly, Barry frowned and tilted his head forward a bit to take a better look at her face. "Caitlin, are you crying?" He asked, surprise filling his voice.
She wiped the tears away from her cheeks with the back of her hand. "Stupid freaking onions." She groaned.
Barry glanced down at the kitchen counter and saw the onions she was currently cutting. He hadn't even realised that's what she had taken out of the cabinet a few minutes ago. He let a chuckle escape from his lips that earned him a glare from her. But that only made him laugh louder.
And as always, his laugh was contagious and Caitlin was taken into a fit of laughter too, forgetting the heavy subject that had been floating around them.
She thought she didn't need all of this. But maybe she did need it. Because he made her feel lighter without doing anything special, by simply being there for her. He made her laugh without even trying, he took her mind off her brooding thoughts with a simple touch, he helped her standing when she felt like everything around her was crumbling down.
Maybe she did need him.
And maybe, just maybe, he needed her.
She knew she would do anything to help him out, even if that meant helping him patch things up with Patty.
Caitlin finished chopping the onions and turned her focus back to cooking, pulling out a pan out of the cupboard, pouring olive oil in it, making a sauce... Barry stayed with her the whole time, telling her stories about the last eight to ten years they had been apart, making her laugh while she continued cooking.
He narrated everything with such perfect details and simple words that, after half a dozen stories, it almost felt like she had been there to witness those moments. So she began telling him a few of her own memories, sharing with him what he was sharing with her. There was absolutely no tension in the room, the atmosphere was light and easy – like it had almost always been with the two of them.
Sharing those memories also showed them they had changed over the years. She learned things about him that she had never known, like he stopped running tracks just after high school and only went jogging once a week; he didn't eat his French fries with mayonnaise anymore but with ketchup; he had gotten a motorbike for his 25th birthday but, for the sake of his father's sanity, didn't ride it as much as he would like to; he spent every Christmas with his dad and the West-Thawne family; every time he went to visit his mother at the cemetery, he would drop by her father's grave to put her favourite flowers; he developed a coffee addiction just after she left for Central City for the second time, when his mother's health state worsened; and so on...
Sharing those memories made them feel like they had been part of each other's life all along.
They were interrupted by the sound of running naked little feet on the wooden floor coming straight towards them. Lily came barging into the room with wild hair and a huge smile on her lips.
"I'm hungry!" She chirped loudly, tugging on Caitlin's shirt to have her full attention. "When is dinner ready?"
Caitlin chuckled and Barry grabbed the little girl by her waist and lifted her in his arms, letting her rest on his hip. "Hey there, little monster! Is that how you show your gratitude to Caitlin for cooking?" He asked her, his fingers playfully tickling her.
Lily tried to fight his fingers away and laughed. "Sorry." She mumbled in between two giggles.
Caitlin smiled softly at her. "It's okay sweetie. Dinner is actually ready, we just have to put everything on the table and then we can eat."
"Cool!" The little girl clapped in her hands and then turned to Barry with a very serious look and a pout. "Put me down, uncle Barry, I'll tell mom and dad that we're going to eat soon."
"Yes ma'am." Barry chuckled and put the little girl back down on the floor. She was gone as quickly as she had come. Barry shouted for her to be careful, but he doubted she had heard any of his words.
Caitlin smiled sweetly at him. She loved seeing him interact with the little girl, she could see he absolutely adored assuming the uncle role for Lily, since Eddie and Iris were both only child. And Barry apparently took that role very seriously.
Barry and Caitlin were putting everything they needed for dinner on the table when Iris, Eddie and their little girl came in with laughter and good mood.
Caitlin received a handful of compliments for her cooking skills and she had to blush at the attention. Barry just had to tease her about it, just for good measure. They talked about nothing and everything while sharing their meal and everyone was just content and happy. Even Lily took gladly part in the conversation, making the adults laugh at her cheery behaviour, not quite understanding where she found all her energy after the long day she had spent on the beach.
But nobody talked about the elephant in the room. They didn't talk about the empty chair at the table that had been occupied by a certain blond cop the same morning. They didn't talk about the way Barry would glance at Caitlin every few minutes to check if she was okay. They didn't talk about Caitlin tucking her hair behind her ear every time she caught herself looking at Barry for a bit too long. They didn't talk about the knowing glances Eddie and Iris exchanged during the night every time they caught the two other adults.
But they didn't need to talk about all of this. They didn't want to, afraid that their frail moment of happiness would crumble down to pieces if confronted with the truth. So they decided that only time would give them answers.
For now, they were happy.