You didn't want to face reality, not just yet. Being in Dean's arms even if it was for a few more hours, hell even minutes, you'd be willing to take it. However you couldn't have it your way and certainly this was the worst timing ever.
Your eyes snapped open as you heard the door creak open and slowly a figure come closer. Well, shit.
Your breath hitched on your throat, every minute that ticked by made you feel even more hazy due to the lack of oxygen. You fisted Dean's shirt in your palms without realizing it, you contemplated waking him up but you couldn't move at that specific moment. Until the door was fully opened and-
"Mama?" Mary's voice was heard in a whisper as she peeked at you.
You let out a shaky sigh, your eyes closing for a moment as you realized how paranoid you were being. Of course.
"Hey baby." you whispered smiling at her "Wait a second."
You tried to get free from Dean's grip, stopping for a second when you heard him grunt slightly. You carefully moved your pillow and as you started slipping from his arms you put it in your place and of course Dean once more tighten his hold on the thing. You let a soft chuckle, shaking your head and soon stopping. It felt so... weird. You never thought you'd say this but it felt so foreign, hell even pulling your lips in a smile let alone laugh. Because not only was your throat soar but your mouth and lips dry as well.
You stood there for a moment just looking at Dean before you shook your head and got up. Mary padded her way towards you and you did the same, both of you careful not to wake the sleeping man.
"Mommy, why is daddy sleeping with you?" she murmured, tilting her head to the side to look at him.
You let a small sigh "Long story, pumpkin." you ruffled her hair as you kneeled down to be in her level "We'll talk about this sometime, but until then promise me no talking about it, right?"
She gave you a small nod, her lips pursed in a thin line "Mom?"
"Yeah sweetie?"
"Did you and daddy fight?" her eyebrows were in a frown and you could see her green eyes glistening just slightly.
You took in a small breath "No, baby, no we didn't. Daddy and I are fine now, I promise... Maybe more than ever before." you mumbled the last part mostly to yourself, your eyes casting down.
"And- and-" she stuttered as she fidgeted with her pyjama shirt "What about me?"
"What about you?" you tilted your head to the side.
"Are you mad at me? I'm sorry if I made you angry mommy." a pout was on her lips and you instantly felt guilty for shouting at her last night. You were an emotional mess to say the least and she just had the worst timing.
"No, baby, I'd never be angry with you. I was just a little upset and I couldn't control myself. I'm sorry about that, really." you gave her an apologetic smile and she shook her head.
"I forgive you mommy." she said, jumping in your arms and hugging you.
You let a small chuckle and kissed the side of her head "Hey, sweetie. Why don't you go change into your clothes, brush your teeth and then we can both cook breakfast together?"
"Alright mommy." she replied with a grin and chuckling you ruffled her hair and let her run out of the room.
You let a small sigh and got on your feet. You ran a hand through your hair before turning around, wanting to just sneak a glance at Dean once more. Only this time you weren't met with his sleeping figure.
"Did we wake you up?" you said softly and he shook his head, his expression one of calmness.
"Nah I woke up the moment I started making out with the pillow." he gave you a soft grin that unlike any other time didn't make you smile.
"(Y/n)" the smile fell as Dean sighed. He got up in a sitting position as you walked towards the bed once again.
"I'm sorry." you whispered, fidgeting with your hands.
"What is it?" he tilted his head to the side, brushing strands of messy hair out of your face.
"Where to begin with?" you breathed out "It's just- Mary walked in, Dean, but before I could see who it was I just-" you stopped yourself, an uncomfortable lump forming on your throat as tears welled up in your eyes.
"(Y/n), no please don't. Don't say it, don't think about it. We will deal with this, I promise. I just need you to be strong, yeah?" his hands cupped your face and you let out a trembling sigh.
You gave him a small nod as you looked into his eyes. You slowly and quiet sheepishly leaned in closer to him to press your lips to his, almost in a butterfly kiss. It was so delicate but after a while you made it more firm. Dean shut his eyes tightly and kissed you back with just as much intensity.
You let a small sigh through your nose as the both of you started pulling away. Dean's eyes roamed your face and without saying a word you moved the pillow and laid back down again next to him. Dean pulled the covers over the two of you as he wrapped his arms around you. He squeezed you close to himself and you rested your head on top of his chest. You fisted the fabric of his shirt in your hand once more and you tried to bring him as close as possible. Dean kissed your forehead as he rubbed your head. He shifted slightly for a moment so that he could now rest his forehead against yours and stare into your eyes. You brought your hand up and cupped his face, letting out a small sigh as his hand on your back rubbed soothing circles.
Memories of the previous night flashed through your mind, and you tought about all of it, not just the argument.
You remembered how after all of it you broke into a feat of tears, how your entire body was shaking with sobs. How tremendous the pain was and how you knew nothing would be able to stop it. Nothing except for Dean. You realized it all at that moment. All this pain, it all came because you weren't together. Sure you still were hurting but the guilt could by no means compare to hole in your heart. Not that emptiness that all this time had been eating you out on the inside.
You remember how your heart took over and the panic of loosing him for ever made adrenaline pump through your veins. Just as you couldn't do anything but cry your body was up and running towards the door, praying that you could reach him. That he wouldn't have left. And he didn't. So you ran to him, in his arms and did something you've been holding ontofor very long. You kissed him.
And you held him close, all night. You were both soaking wet once you walked into the house. But none of you said a word. You merely walkd upstairs to your room, hands together as he had locked his fingers with yours. You got inside and you closed the door softly behind you, not wanting to wake Mary once again. Instead you just helped him take off his jacket and then his boots. His eyes were on you, following every movement of yours, studying you as if this was the first and last time he got to see you. He was trying to soak in as much as he could. His pants followed suit and despite the deep blush on your cheeks for the first time you didn't care. Dean just let you take care of him and once he noticed your blush he cupped your cheek, taking hold of your other hand and kissed your lips tenderly.
You both slowly made your way to your bed, not caring if you were soaking wet and laid down. He had an arm wrapped around your waist as the other one brushed wet strands out of your face. He felt you shake slightly in his hands and squeezed you, making sure you were better wrapped in the blankets. He leaned down and kissed your forehead, before his lips moved to the side of your head, to your cheek, to your nose before he finally pressed them to your own.
Once your lips locked you felt yourself let out a small sigh, maybe one of relief too? You had no idea anymore. You just let yourself enjoy those few moments and let your lips move in perfect synce with his. Your fingers threaded with his short wet hair, making them stik out in every direction. Dean slowly moved so that he was on top of you as he continued kissing you. You felt his warm tognue lick over your lower lip but just as you opened your mouth to give him access he pulled away. A small whine left your lips but you stared up at him you realized very well what it meant.
You let a small sigh and gave him a nod. He smiled softly down at you and kissed your forehead before falling down next to you and gathering you in his arms. Cradling you in his chest and not letting you go. The both of you were shaking slightly from the cold but you didn't care much about being wet or anything, anymore
"Baby?" Dean whispered and you looked at him, breaking from your trail of thoughts.
"Huh?"
"Are you alright?" he whispered and you let out a sigh.
"I have no idea anymore, D." you mumbled, fidgeting with his shirt.
He nodded his head "Do you- do you regret this?" he swallowed thickly and you shook your head.
"No, for the first time I am absolutely sure about this decision." you pursed your lips for a second "It's just- I was thinking-"
"Why did we wait so long, Dean?" you locked eyes with his again, your were laced with tears "Why did we waste so much time?"
"It's my fault, it's all my fault baby. And I'm so deeply sorry." he swallowed thickly, closing his eyes.
"But I will fix everything, I promise. I will make everything right, and make up for my mistakes. And this time-" he opened his eyes to look at you.
"No more hurting."
~*~
"And here is the last one for my princess." Dean smiled widely down at the blonde girl before he placed the last pancake on her plate.
"Thanks daddy." she giggled as he kissed her forehead.
You let a small inaudible sigh as you rested your weight on the doorframe. After you and Dean had finally decided to get out of bed you chose to take a shower while he and Mary prepared breakfast. Your shaking had gotten a little worse and you were afraid you'd caught a cold or something. Luckily the warm shower managed to make you feel slightly better and this sight- this managed to erase everything. You felt as good as new.
"Hey there creep, you'd gonna stare any longer or what?" Dean's voice made you snap from your trail of thoughts.
You shook your head and looked from Mary to him looking at you with a smirk, you only rolled your eyes.
"I'd prefer the word sexy stalker." you shrugged and he chuckled as he walked towards you to wrap an arm around your waist. He kissed your forehead.
"Alright, sexy stalker, you hungry? I made everything you can think of." he motioned to the table with one hand and a wide grin.
"I see that." you giggled "But Dean, who's gonna eat all that? Mary and I can barely eat one third! What about the rest?"
"Oh no worries, why am I here for?" he grinned and you shook your head with a laugh.
"Of course." you whispered, leaning up to kiss his cheek that started to heat up under your touch.
"Come on, no chick flicks." he tried to play you off but you rolled your eyes.
"Yeah, right. You know you love them." you smirked.
"Yeah, yeah I do." he squeezed your hand before letting you sit on a chair, him being fast to occupy the one next to you.
"Daddy, are you and (Y/n) friends again?" Mary asked as she still chewed on her pancake.
Dean smiled softly "Baby we never stopped. (Y/n) and I- we will always be friends."
"So- so this means you are not going to fight again?" she asked nervously.
"No, princess." this time you spoke up, a lump on your throat as you got up to be by her side "Never again. And there is no more separation, I promise that. I will always be with you."
"Really?" her eyes filled with hope "Really daddy?" she asked again turning to face her father.
He looked at the two of you, a smile slowly forming on his lips "Yes, princess." he whispered, getting up too "(Y/n)-" he paused "Mommy and I are not going to fight again, nothing is going to change. Not anymore. We are going to be the same."
"And are we going to have movie nights again?" she asked with a crooked grin and you nodded your head with a giggle. You leaned into Dean's side that was next to you.
"Of course baby, everything. And we're going to have daddy cook for us too." you ruffled her hair.
"Really?" you nodded your head "And... are we going to be a family... again?" she whispered, almost scared to answer.
You glanced at Dean whose mouth hang open for a second, and before you could answer he did.
"Baby we never stopped being a family." he placed a hand on top of her head as a big grin spread on her lips.
"So this means you still love each other?" she looked up at the two of you with big green eyes.
You stiffened for a moment, a lump forming on your throat. It was such a simple question, just like every time she asked you something and maybe for the first time you didn't have any hesitation in answering.
"More than ever bug." you breathed out and you felt Dean's body stiffen at your words "Daddy and I love each other more than we ever have." you repeated, your eyes moving to Dean whose own were wide.
A tentative smile broke on his lips, small wrinkles appearing by the side of his eyes. A shaky breath left his lips. You felt him move fast but before he could do anything you placed a hand on his chest to stop him, your eyes moving between him and Mary.
"Hey baby, why don't you go take your teddy bear huh? I'm sure he doesn't want to be alone at this moment." you breathed out a laugh that died out very fast.
"Yes mommy." she giggled and bounced off her chair before running upstairs.
You watched her disappear upstairs with a smile on your lips. Before you could even have the chance to turn to look at Dean you felt a pair of lips collide with yours. A small gasp left your lips, giving him the chance to enter his tongue, eliciting a pleased moan from you.
You moved your shaky hands up and around his neck almost losing all control over your body as his hands grabbed ontoyour thighs and he pressed you as close as possible to him, giving you the chance to feel every curve of his body. Everyone. Another moan left your lips as his warm tongue discovered every inch of your mouth, moving playfully along with yours. You felt your heart hammer in your chest and all you wanted was to get out of your clothes at that moment. And preferably take him out of his clothes as well. His hands squeezed your thighs, wrapping them around his own waist. He rubbed himself against you and that combined with his hot lips on yours you felt yourself groan. You threaded your fingers into his short hair, pulling slightly and getting a moan out of him as well.
You'd give anything to keep going, especially as Dean pressed you more against the table, leaving no room for you toescape, but you sadly had to.
"D-De-" you said muffled by his lips still on yours "Dean." you said breathlessly, pushing him away.
Your hands twitched nervously over the fabric of his shirt and you clenched them. Dean's breathing was uneven and you were struggling to breath as well.
"I- I kn-know. I know." he breathed out, his hands shakily letting you down.
"No, no it's not that." you whispered, soothing down your messy hair "I mean not just that." you added and he frowned.
You sighed "It's just-" you fidgeted with his shirt "I don't want to do this... to him, Dean. I can't do this, not- not while I am-" you shook your head "It's bad enough that I'm feeling the way I am and that we- we have kissed on top of that." you shook your head, feeling the guilt eat you out on the inside.
"I- I understand." hw whispered too "I'm not- I'm not feeling any better." he looked down.
"I should talk to him, I need to. This- this can't keep going. Sam- Sam has been amazing to me, all this time and I- I love him Dean." you mumbled.
His eyes widened for a second, in pain and he started to pull away "I understand."
"No, no hey. Hey." you whispered, cupping his face and making him look at you "I love Sam, yes, part of me always will. But I- I also love you. I always had. I just- I need to sort out things inside me, you know."
His eyes filled with hope and his eyebrows shot up as he tried to fight off a smile. Instead he just leaned in and pressed his lips to yours in a chaste but firm kiss.
"I should probably talk to him." he spoke but you shook your head.
"No, no I need to. I have to explain everything. But I- I need you to know Dean, I love you. I really really do." you rubbed your thumb over his cheek and he nuzzled his face into your palm.
"I love you too baby." he breathed out and you smiled at him.
"Can you promise me something?" you asked and he hummed.
"Don't do anything stupid this time." you whispered and he chuckled.
"As long as I have you I think I'll be fine." he moved his arms to hug you, resting his head at the crook of your neck. You hugged him by wrapping your arms around his shoulders.
"Are you happy?" he whispered and you didn't answer for a second.
"I don't know if this is happiness, Dean. After so long- I practically forgot what happiness is." you whispered, feeling his stiffen in your arms "But I don't blame you, I swear I don't. I never will, not when I love you this much." you kissed his forehead.
"But once I have sorted everything out, once I decide what I really feel si real then- then that's when I will learn how to behappy." you played with the hair at the back of his neck and he let a small sigh.
"I'm sorry, for everything I did but above all the pain I brought to you. I wish- I wish I had the strength to act like a man and admit how much I loved you all this time." he gave you a squeeze and you shook your head.
"We can't change that now Dean, no matter how much we wish too. We need to just look forward and deal with this, the best we can."
"I promise to make up for this, I promise." he said firmly as he pulled away.
"I know you will. Just when it comes to Sam, I need to be the one to- to deal with this. Please give me this one."
He nodded his head softly at you, rubbing soothing circles at the small of your back. His eyes took a glimpse of Mary walking down the stairs so he quickly let go of you. He gave you a small kiss on the forehead and with a smile he was walking towards her to pick her up.
Her happy giggles filled the entire room as Dean picked her up and spoon her around and all you did was watch you a small smile, chin resting on your palm as you stared at them lovingly. A great part of you not wanting to think of the horror that would follow.
~*~
You've been running around like crazy, trying your best to have everything ready for Mary's birthday party which was both good and bad. Good because it kept your mind occupied and you didn't have the chance to overthink things and bad because every night you felt exhausted as it could be. Because in between running around to find the perfect gifts and cake, and decoration and everything else you had to visit Dean more often to ask his opinion.
And of course Lisa had still to return so that left you plenty of room to be extra affectionate towards each other, when Mary wasn't in the room at least. No matter how smart the little girl was about this you knew something would slip, let alone the questions she was going to ask the two of you. And with your guilt eating you on the inside you were in no mood for answering questions.
But of course Dean had to be there every time and every time one way or another he managed to take everything from your mind, almost making you forget anything else existed but the two of you in these four walls called his living room. And that, when you thought about it, brought even more guilt to you. It almost made you think why you had to love him this much? Why couldn't things be different? Why couldn't it be less complicated? Why had Dean to mean so much to you?
"What are you thinking?" Dean's soft voice made you snap from your trail of thoughts.
"Huh?" you whispered, looking up at him.
"I asked-" he chuckled softly "-What are you thinking?"
"Oh" you breathed out looking down "Nothing it's just- I'm really tired. Been out ever since this morning trying to find a cake good enough and still no luck." you sighed, which was partly true.
Because other than the preparations, the party wasn't the only thing in your mind. This week had been hard, with your emotions running wild. Because all the sneaking around with Dean had taken a toll with you. Not in a physical level, because the moment he wrapped those arms around you you forgot all exhaustion but in emotional level. You felt guilty beyond belief, not only for Lisa – because truth was she was an amazing woman and didn't deserve this – but also for Sam. Sam above all. He had been amazing to you all this time and now you were sneaking around with his brother.
But how could you stop this? The feelings you had for this man had grown so much over the past, almost, four years. You loved Sam, yes that was true, but what you shared with Dean you just couldn't have with anybody else. It's like you had a part of him and vice versa. He'd been your best friend despite everything and still was. How could you ever pull Dean out of your heart when you'd shared so much with him? All those moments had just made you come closer and this was far more than just love, deeper and you knew it.
But that didn't stop the guilt. You felt like a whore for doing this, because they were brothers, even if you and Dean hadn't done anything past kissing (heavy making out or not) and touching. But sometimes even those touches were so intimate it felt you like you were betraying Sam in the worst way. Neither you nor Dean had the heart to do this to Sam anyway. You could see at moments, even if he denied it, that this was hurting him too. He had a deep bond with Sam and there were times you caught him doubting this for his sake but every time you had to bring him back to reality... before he could do anything stupid again. The self-sacrifice was real.
And the cherry on top? Sam had called that very morning and you literally had to force every word out of you lips instead of crying. He sounded so happy and almost carefree it made you want to just end your life instead of keep doing this to him anymore. It had taken him longer than he expected – although he still didn't tell you what that job was – but said that's he'd manage to be there for Mary's birthday. He told you how he missed you and wished he'd be there with you and you had to tell him the same. He told you how he couldn't stop thinking about the ring and you told him you still needed some time for that, relieved to at least hear him say he would take any answer anyway. He told you how he loved you and that was the point you almost choked on a sob... before saying the same. You felt as if you were the biggest hypocrite in the world but you couldn't stop your feelings.
You knew it was very wrong to enjoy being in Dean's arms this much – hell it was almost a sin, but you'd loved Dean for so long how could you stop doing so all of a sudden? You couldn't control your feelings nor what you really longed for all this time.You just wanted relief for once.
Only problem was you didn't know in whose arms you'd find that.
"You know I could always come with you." he shrugged as his thumbed rubbed circles over your arm.
"Dean we agreed on this, I got it. Besides we remember what happened last time I let you come with me on picking a cake for her birthday." you said with a soft smirk and he chuckled.
"You never liked what I chose so you ended up picking." he said with a chuckle and you nodded your head.
"What? I mean were you seriously thinking I was going to let you get her a Rocky or a Zeppelin birthday cake for a three-year-old girl?" you raised an eyebrow and he shrugged.
"They were cool!" he defended and you rolled your eyes.
"For you! But Dean she is a little girl! Your daughter or not, in that age little girls want pink birthday cakes with fairies andprincess- and don't you make that face on me!" you slapped his arm as soon he made a disgusted face at what you said.
"I just don't get it but whatever. As long as she is happy I am willing to let her make me take part in her tea party and let her put on that fake mini pink lipstick you got her last year." he rolled his eyes though he still had a smile on his lips.
"Well, when the next father's day comes you can always have your wish come true." you giggled and he huffed again.
"The things I do for you two." he shook his head and you scoffed.
"Hell yeah you should! If you don't do something good for the two most important women of your life then who will?... I mean, we are right?"
He looked from the fireplace to you and rested his forehead against yours "Yes baby, you are and will always be. I would be lost without you or Mary." he cupped your cheek with his other hand and you nuzzled your face into his palm.
"I am the luckiest man alive to have you two, and Mary even more to have such a wonderful woman for a mother." he whispered and you pursed your lips for a second.
"I really wish I was... her biological mother I mean." you spoke.
He raised an eyebrow "Does it matter? Bobby always told me this thing, family don't end in blood and it definitely doesn't start there. So why should this be different? (Y/n) you love her, you've loved her all these years and raised her as if she is your own daughter. You helped her on her first steps and words, gave her morals and when I couldn't be there, you were. When she needed a mother figure, a woman to look up to, you were always there. You raised her and keep doing so up to now with much success let me tell you. What more could I or Mary ask for?"
"I guess." you mumbled, looking down shyly "I mean you would have been lost if it wasn't for me right?" you giggled and he chuckled, catching the glint in your eyes.
"You didn't even know how to change her diaper." you mumbled and he gave you a look.
"I learned to, ok? Besides I was a new father, I am not allowed to be a freaking expert or have it in me like all you women do!"
"Yeah right! Did you forget how many times you burned yourself while preparing her milk?" you asked back giving him a funny look.
He scoffed rolling his eyes "It was just four times... alright five, six... seven and that is final!"
"The first month." you filled in and he gave you a look.
"Don't you ever shut up?" he growled and you giggled.
"Oh you mean like when I made you shut up when you were failing at giving her her first bath in the bathtub?" you raised an eyebrow and he groaned.
"I told you then, the water seemed fine!"
"For you, Dean! But she was a baby back then! It doesn't work the same way you know." you said with a smirk and he huffed.
"Smartass. Well, sorry I'm not perfect ok? It's not my fault you women just have it in you!"
"Alright, maybe it comes more natural to us but-" you let a soft "Mary could have not had a better father than you and you need to know it." His gaze softened and he gave your hand a small squeeze.
"You love her unconditionally Dean, do everything she needs. I can't even remember the times you've stayed up till late at night when she had a fever to make sure she was alright. Or the times you worked extra hours, or took up another job, to make sure you have enough money for her. And better not point out that you have started putting aside money for her for when she grows up. You care about her, Dean, took her in when her mother gave up on her when she was a baby and did your best for her. I've seen you out, with other women and such but when you are with Mary you try to be the best for her, the father she deserves and trust me, despite the mistakes you've made, she couldn't have a better one." you rubbed your thumb over his cheek and he merely looked down rather sheepishly. A smile graced his lips as his cheeks heated up.
"Do you remember-" he spoke softly "Do you remember when you first held her in your hands?" he whispered and you nodded your head.
"How could I ever forget? She looked up at me with those big green eyes, I thought I was instantly in love." you giggled and he chuckled.
"Yeah... so was I." he breathed out and you frowned at him.
"What-"
"The moment I saw you hold her in your arms, for the first time, I- realization started to set in."
"About what?" your voice was barely above a whisper as you felt your heart swell.
"About a family, for the first time I felt like I wanted a family... with you. I guess that's why after a little while I started going out so much. Other than the fact that I was trying to find someone as good as you I- it was because I needed someone by my side, to love Mary the way you did and for us to be a family. Normalcy had never been easy to achieveand for that moment I realized how much I wanted it. I think that was the moment that I-" he stopped himself for a second, pursing his lips.
"That you?" you itched closer to him, eager to hear it. Again.
"That I first fell for you." he breathed out, his small smile matching yours.
Before it fell "And then I threw everything to hell." he breathed out "I ruined everything for us."
"I'm- I'm not going to say it doesn't matter Dean." you whispered, taking hold of his hand "I am not going to say it's ok butwe- we are both to blame Dean. I should have said something, I know I should have." you locked fingers with his.
"But I don't regret anything. The only thing I would change is- us not losing all this time. Things would have been so much different if- if any of us made a move." you swallowed thickly and he hugged you closer, your limbs tangled.
"I'm so sorry baby." he breathed out, burying his face at the crook of your neck and you moved your arms to wrap them around his shoulder as if he was a little child in need of your affection.
"It's not your fault, please stop this. I need you to be strong now, the worst has yet to come and we- we need to face this together."
"It's Sam, isn't it?" he whispered, looking up at you and you nodded your head.
"Sam and Lisa. I don't want to hurt any of them, Dean. They don't deserve it, not when we were so messed up and couldn't make a choice. It's all our fault."
"My fault." he clenched his jaw "I brought them into this and I need to make up for it."
"We'll see about that. For the moment I just-"
"You're feeling guilty, aren't you?" he frowned and you let out a sigh.
"Shouldn't I? Dean this- this is so wrong." you pulled slightly away from him, already missing his warmth "On almost every level."
"Does it feel wrong?" he asked almost looking like a kicked puppy.
"I don't know anymore Dean. The only thing I know is- I am a mess on the inside, I almost don't know what I want. I know what I feel about you but this- this is just- it is more than I could ever take in." you mumbled, looking down at your hands.
"So what?" his voice was more rough as he frowned at you "Do you want to stop this?"
"No." you breathed out "No I- I don't. I don't want to. It's just- I need some time. Is it too much to ask of?"
He sighed "I know this is too much for you to take." he ran a hand through his hair before he moved it to cup your cheek "I don't know how I'm holding up to be honest. But I know I want to be with you... so the decision is only up to you anymore."
"There is only one thing I can say..." he whispered before scooting up again closer to you, his face coming closer to you.
His breath mixed with yours and you almost started feeling dizzy. His lips were so close to yours you could practically make a move and kiss him at that moment. You could recount the time's you'd kissed and each and every one of them was a haze of emotions running wild, and your body and heart taking over for what you really needed.
"I love you" and he breathed out the three words that made your heart beat in a weird way.
And that was all it took before he pressed his lips back to yours – or was it you that made the first move? - before your hands were all over each other. He was hovering over you and his one hand had moved under your shirt as his lips kissed a little messily your ones, the desperation and need to be as close as possible to much for the two of you. You had lost so much time that every kiss felt like it was the first one and you two got to explore each other's mouthes for the first time. He trailed a hot line of wet kissed from your lips to your jaw and neck to your collarbone.
"This is wrong." your voice was muffled as a small moan left our lips when he pressed himself against you even more.
"I know." he said in a husky voice and you shivered as he ran his hand over your sides.
"W-we shouldn't-" you stuttered your throat closing as you threw your head back, your eyes closing.
"No, definitely not." he said roughly too but his mouth moved up again as you gave him even more access.
"D-Dean." your voice was trembling as your breath was shaking "Do-don't leave an-any marks." you breathed out and he hummed licking and biting under your jaw. His hand worked on your hair doing a good work at messing them up big time.
You threaded his short hair in your fingers, fisting some in one of your hands and eliciting a moan from him. Both his hands moved down to your waist where he grabbed onto your hips and pressed his middle flush to yours. You arched you hips as far as you could to rub yourself on him ,desperately needing some friction. Only to have him growl into your earand and push you back with his hips in response. He moved his leg between yours, making you gasp and a smirk to form on his lips as he kissed down your neck again. You wrapped your hands around his shoulders and he moved his hands to grab you thighs, moving so that they were wrapped around his waist.
"This is so wrong." you breathed out, swallowing hard as Dean's hands moved under your shirt and a shaky sigh left your lips.
"Yes, yes it is." his voice was rough and you shuddered when you felt his tongue lick your skin.
"I'm- I'm with Sam." it was that small part of your consciousness talking, the one that with every kiss from Dean was fading away.
"But you're in love with me." he breathed out as he pulled away from a split second, his eyes locked with yours and you shivered before he dived in again and crashed his lips to yours.
Before you could realize what was happening his hands were lifting the shirt over your head and throwing it somewhere on the couch. He took you in for a second, his intense look making you shiver despite how hot you felt. Your heart almost wanted to jump out of your chest, especially as he ran his fingers over your sides. His eyes were locked with yours and as that he leaned down and started kissing from your collarbone down to your chest, between your breasts (you were so glad you were wearing a bra at this point), and lower until he reached your belly. His lips moved to your hips and you felt his teeth graze over your skin as his fingers played with the waistband of your jeans.
A trembling sigh left your lips as he moved his face and lips to toy with the skin of your lower belly and just as his fingers started fumbling with the zipper of your jeans-
Your eyes snapped open and you took in a sharp breath, when realization downed on you like a bucket of ice cold water "No!" you almost yelled but your voice was too hoarse so it didn't come out very loud.
Which was also a good thing because you weren't going to wake Mary up.
"No, Dean no pl-please s-stop." you stuttered breathlessly, pushing him away.
"Wh-what?" he breathed out, an almost hurt expression on his face.
"We-we can't do this, you know- you know that." you whispered, almost hurrying a little too much to find your shirt.
Just as you had taken hold of it Dean grabbed your arm and made you look at him "Is it because- is it because of me? DidI- did I go too fast? Did I scare you?" his voice was thick and the looked on his face that of regret, guilt and pain.
"N-no Dean." you whispered, eyes casting down as you placed your shirt over your torso.
"Maybe next time you should look a little more believable then." he said, venom dripping from his voice.
You sighed, shaking your head "I told you I need time. From the first moment. What part of 'I'm dating your brother' don't you get?" you looked him with an angry expression.
"The part where you say you're in fucking love with me!" he growled, his voice raising just slightly; making you gasp slightly. You looked at him with wide eyes before clenching your jaw at him.
"You know what-" you pursed your lips, wearing your shirt as fast as you could "-Nevermind,you don't get it." you shook your head.
"No, (Y/n) wait." he said in a more soft voice, grabbing your hand before you could get up. You saw regret all over his face,obviously feeling sorry from the second he raised his voice.
"You're right, ok? You're right." he sighed in defeat "I should have- I need to have waited. You are right in everything." he looked down and you let a small sigh yourself.
"No, Dean but you know-" you looked down, lips pursed "It's that-"
"You need time, I understand. I'm sorry if I pressured you or- or something." he was feeling more guilty although it was all your fault and you knew it.
"Yeah... I do. And right now-" you slowly pulled your hand away from his "-It's better if I go home, it's getting really late anyway." you swallowed thickly and his eyes widened for a moment.
He hesitated speaking but did anyway "Sure." although it was by no means what he wanted.
You opened your mouth to say something but closed it again. You took your bag and once putting your shoes on you made your way to the door. Dean didn't even get up, and as you glanced at him you saw he only rested his back against the couch and placed a hand over his eyes as his head fell back.
And you closed the door.
~Three days later~
The party for Mary's birthday was going great so far. Children laughing and playing around could be heard crystal clear and you were even more happy at knowing she'd made so many friends in the neighborhood. Everybody you had invited had come too and by that you didn't mean just Mary and John, Castiel, Bobby, Charlie even, Jo with her new husband, Ellen and many many more. Lisa was there, making sure to have returned from her trip and of course she wasn't the only one.
Sam had kept to his promise of being back for her party and god knows how hard it was for you to let him kiss you without crying at how guilty you felt for what had happened while he was absent. Luckily the preparations for the party had kept you quiet busy the last three days so that was a plus.
You made sure to have as much food as possible ready so you just kept refilling the plates before it was time for the cake. You let out a small sigh as the smile fell from your lips and your hands rested at the kitchen counter. You hadn't spoken to Dean in three days.
"Are you going to keep flirting with the sandwiches any longer?" a voice asked from behind you a little playfully and you found yourself stiffening.
You closed your eyes for a moment as you felt your heart skip a beat before opening them again and looking to your side to see him standing there.
"Why should you care?" you asked back, trying to be playful but failing.
He shrugged "Dunno. Just in case I need to be jealous of them."
The innocence in his eyes and how bright his green orbs were made a giggle leave your lips "I don't know about the sandwiches. But that birthday cake, mhm I think I could marry it." you grinned and he chuckled.
"...So just the cake?" he asked softly and you let a small sigh, looking down at your hands.
"Dean I'm-"
"No, no I'm sorry." he rushed to say, cutting you off.
"I didn't talk to you for three days, I think I should be the one to apologize." you mumbled and he shook his head.
"Probably, but I caused all of it. I- I should have waited, (Y/n). I know I should have I just-" he ran a hand through his hair "I got carried away and-"
"We both did." you breathed out, reluctantly bring one hand up to cup his cheek after making sure to glance at the door and luckily see it closed "We both got carried away but I- I was too caught up with guilt and raised my voice and- I shouldn't have talked like that."
"Yes but I had no reason to raise my voice, (Y/n). And I did." he looked down in guilt.
"Maybe you did, Dean. You- you've been through much and still are. I know you've wanted this for very long and I wasjust- pushing you away again. You had a reason to." you whispered and he gave you a sad smile, placing his hand over your own.
"I will wait, I promise. I understand you. We- we must not hurt Sam, or Lisa. It's not their fault."
"I just- I want this Dean, I want you to know that. It's not the way you think. I've wanted this, to be one with you for very long. I just- I need it to be the right way. Not while we- while we are sneaking around like a pair of teenagers. Not while I feel guilty for- for betraying Sam with what we're doing." you held his hand and gave him a squeeze.
"I know, baby. Trust me I know." he whispered, resting his forehead against your and you nuzzled your nose with his.
"So this means you forgive me?" he asked again after a little while and you breathed out a chuckle.
"I think I should be the one to ask for forgiveness Winchester." you spoke with a giggle and a boyish grin spread on his lips that made him look so much younger all of a sudden.
"Consider it done!" he said so excited and before you had the chance to giggle he attacked your lips with his.
He left small bites and butterfly kisses that made you grin into the kiss and feel over the moon in minutes. Your heart soared inside your chest and you let him wrap his arms around your waist as you did the same over his shoulders. He pressed on the kitchen counter and chuckled when he heard you giggle like a teen girl.
"D!" you you had to keep yourself from squealing too loud.
You enjoyed every minute of it, almost getting lost in the moment as his lips worked softly and sweetly over yours. You kept kissing him with as much passion as possible, your hands on the back of his neck bring him as close as possible. You completely ignored your lungs protesting for air. You did not care. You did not care about anything else but him. And you could not think about anything else but his lips on yours, kissing you like there was no tomorrow, and his hands bringing you as close as possible. And you would have continued if it wasn't for...
The door bursting... shut?
Your eyes snapped open with the sound only to widen at seeing the person standing at the doorway, a look of pure hurt on their face. Dean stumbled back as well and gasp when he saw the person. His eyes widened before he stilled himself and clenched his jaw, puffing out his chest in an almost protective way. He wrapped his arms around your back and head in an defending way and let you bury your face in his chest as you clenched the fabric of his shirt in your palms, not wanting to face the person. He took a deep breath and straightened his back, preparing himself for the eminent fight.
"Lisa"