There was something slightly threatening about returning to the aftermath of a battlefield. A devastating fight had raged in the Death Room mere hours ago, and here we were, entering the place where it had happened....
Where Sirius had lost his life.
The room was large and echoing, dimly lit and rectangular. The high ceiling made for eerie acoustics as we stepped inside, giving Remus pause as he froze in the doorway, while I stepped further inside. There, kept in the center of a raised stone dais, in a sunken, great stone pit some twenty feet deep, was the Veil. The pit itself was lined with benches, running all around the room and descending in steep steps like an amphitheater, surrounded by a cold air and complete stillness.
And yet, that stillness wouldn't last.
On the dais stood the Veil, a tall stone pointed archway that looked so ancient, cracked and crumbling that it seemed amazing that it was still standing (especially as it was not supported by any surrounding wall). I recognized it from my father's journals, as I'd spent many hours pouring over his research, asking him over and over again about its origin, its purpose. The archway was hung with the Veil; which appeared as a tattered black curtain, gently fluttering and swaying very slightly-
"-....as though it had just been touched" Remus whispered, as if he'd heard my train of thought.
He was now standing next to me, and I realized I'd come to a stop about a dozen feet away from the veil. Remus sounded so vulnerable, so broken, I had a hard time focusing on anything but the look of profound loss I saw in those brown eyes.
"My father thinks that perhaps its the souls of the dying passing unseen into the next life, through it, through the Veil" I said, eyes darting to the curtain, which was torn and tattered, and moving slightly at my words, as if hearing me.
"Thinks?" Remus questioned "I thought you said he created it?"
"He did. That doesn't mean he understands it in its entirety" I confessed, shrugging slightly, as if to dismiss the slight feeling of unease that had come over me "It's still a mystery, and although my father is probably the person who understands its workings better than anyone, there's still a lot about the Veil which we don't understand..."
"And.....Sirius?" Remus asked, the words spoken softly, carefully, as if he were afraid of the answer. Hell, he probably was "Will....will I be able to speak to him?"
I was shaking my head before I could find the words to explain myself.
"I'm sorry, Remus. Communication through the Veil appears to be impossible, though when a living person approaches it, the souls of the dead, recognizing a loved one nearby, try to communicate" I spoke softly, taking a few hesitant steps towards the veil, my hand reaching behind me to take a hold of Remus's hand and pulling him along with me.
Once we were standing in front of the veil, the sensation of being watched, of a presence-or more than one-became overwhelming, and I squeezed Remus's hand in reassurance upon seeing the nervousness in his eyes. It was the strangest feeling, like there was someone standing right behind the Veil on the other side of the archway, their words are inaudible except for faint whispering and murmuring noises coming from the other side of the Veil.
"It's like they're right here in this room with us, just on the other side of that veil" Remus breathed on an exhale, eyes darting to the tears and gaping holes in the fabric, as if expecting to see a crowd gathered on the other side.
"In a way, they are" I told him, trying to explain the situation at hand "When a living person tries to communicate with someone through the Veil, the dead try harder and their whispering and murmuring becomes louder. It's disconcerting, really"
In the silence that followed, we could clearly hear the whispering and murmuring of voices, growing ever louder as we watched the Veil in silent awe. Watching the archway long enough, we shortly become entranced and mesmerized by it, believing it had a kind of macabre beauty about (old though it was), unknowingly walking towards it, intrigued by the gently rippling Veil, and feeling a very strong inclination to climb up on the dais and walk through it. It was more of an impulse, an urge and feeling that settled in ones bones, hard to deny and even harder to explain, and I fought the pull that kept urging me to step closer and closer to the tattered veil.
"Do you feel it?" Remus whispered, and I felt his eyes on me, waiting for a response. I nodded, shaking my head to dissipate the force that told me to step through the Veil.
"The feeling? That....urge, to step through?" I said, but it was a rhetorical question, for I knew exactly what he was talking about "Acting on it would prove fatal, as it has in the past, Remus. Passing through the Veil would cause instant death"
"When-....when Sirius fell through it, the Veil reacted to it. It.....moved" Remus said, the pain in his voice all too real.
"The passage of a living person causes the Veil to flutter for a moment, as though in a high wind, and then falling back into place" I said, my voice mechanical as I remembered the sketches and drawings in my fathers journals, the detailed writings and experiments conducted in this very room over the years "It is impossible for others to pull whoever passes through out without passing through and dying themselves, and it was already too late for those passing through to be saved (despite only a few seconds passing), as they were already dead...."
"How do you know?" Remus asked, this time swallowing and trying to divert his attention from the pain of his loss.
"Because Sirius isn't the first victim of the Veil, and there's a reason why they call this the Death Room. The Ministry has kept this place under strict security, and for a good reason...." I said, recalling the dates and names listed in my dad's neat handwriting. So many people, so many dead.
But my mind was running with questions, uncertainties and worry about what would come next. Never mind the past experiments that had claimed its victims in this very room. What was a more pressing matter was what I was planning to do next.
"So why are we here Aurora?" Remus questioned, now turning me around slightly so I was looking at him "Why have you brought me here?"
"Because of what I can do" I said closing my eyes briefly to gather my thoughts "I'm going to try and perform a memory transfer"
Remus blinked, a look of incomprehension entering his eyes as he looked at me in question.
I thought long and hard about how I was going to explain this without sounding like a headcase "It's.....something Wizards used to do back in the middle ages to people they thought worthy of commemorating, I guess. It's a process in which certain memories are acquired from the deceased in order to preserve his...legacy, his essence, in a way"
"How does it work?" Remus said, dubious.
"It's basically the predecessor of the pensive. Before they figured out how to draw memories from ones own mind, someone else used to do it. But the process is.....unstable, and over the years the practice ceased" I said with a look over my shoulder at the Veil "And it's time bound in the sense that no more than 12 hours can pass between the time of death and the retrieval of the memories, because otherwise the spirit will have passed beyond reach of the spell necessary to retrieve the memories in question"
"Memento mori" I breathed, remembering the words scribbled on the edge of the ancient parchment containing the details of the spell. It's warning.
"What?" Remus asked, brow furrowing in confusion as he watched me.
"Nothing" I said, shaking my head "Memento mori is a Latin phrase meaning 'remember you must die'.... it's something I read once in connection with the spell"
"Sounds dangerous" Remus objected, giving me a warning look.
"Hey, Remus, it's fine" I tried to reassure him "It was more of a guideline anyway, a reminder that this shouldn't be taken lightly, that's all"
"Are you sure? I don't want you to put yourself in any danger" Remus said with a look at me that told me he wasn't about to let me do anything if he suspected it might harm me.
"I'm telling you, it's fine. Just a precaution" I said reassuringly.
Remus sighed, and nodded after a brief silence. I could see the idea appealed to him, even though he hadn't exactly grasped the extent of it.
"So....what do we do?" he asked "We only have about 45 minutes left...."
"I'll show you" I said, knowing it would be easier to just get it done and over with.
Walking up to the Veil, Remus wasn't far behind, watching in fascination as I stepped up close to the Veil, until I was separated only inches from the fluttering fabric, the murmur and whispering becoming more prominent each passing second.
I knew Sirius's soul would still linger. His spirit would still be nearby, after having died such a sudden, unjust death. Only a couple of hours had passed, leaving me an ample window to try and get through to him. I'd never tried this with someone who had died by passing through the Veil, and I wasn't sure what the effects or repercussions would be, but I was willing to give it a shot. Did the fact that there was no body influence the effectiveness of the spell? Would the Veil influence the resulting memory transfer? What sort of energy would it draw from me, performing the spell on someone who'd died so young and under such circumstances?
The one previous time I'd done this, it had been under completely different circumstances, and yet the effects had been pretty devastating. It had drained me, leaving me a tired and trembling mess after the memory transfer resulting from the violent death and young age of the deceased.
We'd just have to see how this turned out.
I swallowed, allowing my mind to focus on the task at hand. Conjuring up the image of Sirius was easy, and picturing the sound of his voice, his character, his personality...it all came so easily. Silently I allowed my power, my magic, to call, like casting a net outwards that consisted of pure energy. Like a rubber band slowly stretching beyond the confines of my mind, slowly widening, searching, looking.
"Memoriam Mortis" I whispered, closing my eyes and letting my fingers brush against the curtain ever so slowly, the faintest touch of skin against fabric. Memories of death. The incantation needed to perform the memory transfer. My other hand found it's way around Remus's wrist, my hand taking a hold of his. His hand was warm inside of mine, his hold gentle but strong. I'd never attempted to perform a memory transfer this way, but I had to try.
I might as well have tasered myself, such was the result of the spell spilling past my lips and my fingers touching the Veil. Like an electric shock passing through my system, it nearly made my knees buckle as voices, hundreds, thousands of them filled my head, my body, my very being. A cacophony of sounds, unable to understand a single word, all those voices, screaming, whispering, pleading....It was overwhelming in a way that was hard to describe. Like a glass being held under the tap, slowly filling up with water, and finally overflowing. I couldn't make out any specific voices, any words at all. Just that pressure inside my head, ever louder, ever increasing.
Sirius, I thought, my eyes squeezing shut on their own accord, painfully hard as I tried to focus my thoughts.
Orion Sirius Black....
Slowly the noise started dimming, fading to the background, and one presence became more and more pronounced. Each passing second made it clearer, that single voice becoming more louder.
~Aurora?~ a hushed whisper, a faint calling, like the echo of someone that I used to know.
Sirius, I thought, yes, I'm here.
I felt his pain at losing Harry just when they'd started to reconnect, his suffering over all the years he spent wrongfully imprisoned, his devastating loss over the death of his closest friends, the despair of having died so young, all swirling together in this vortex of emotions and sensations which I couldn't even begin to comprehend.
He was aware of me, but nothing more. I'd located what was left of him, his spirit, his soul, his essence, whatever part of him still lingered here in this forsaken place.
~What...what do you want?~ it wasn't a question exactly, more like a feeling of the slightest curiosity, the lingering prerogative, expressed as a slight sensation of wonder and surprise.
All of it, I thought, everything you are....
It was as if that thought set off an explosion inside my head, a devastating blow to my psyche, like the wind was forcibly torn from my lungs as hundreds of thoughts, memories, feelings and sensations invaded my mind.
I felt it gathering inside of me, pouring through the curtain and gathering at the tip of my fingers. It was as if I was now merely a vessel, a container for all these foreign memories that weren't mine, and yet at the same time belonged to me more intimately than anything else.
Memories, one after another, popping up inside my head and demanding my attention, consuming my thoughts.
~ Sirius Black age 11 was nothing like Sirius Black the Marauder. No, the eleven-year-old had buzz-cut hair cropped neatly to his head with a perfect and prim uniform while boarding the train, refusing to look at his father and declining a somewhat stiff hug from his mother, and who sat in a compartment with the first years of other pure-blooded, Voldemort-enthusiast families who talked about people they knew with the dark mark. It was then the young boy began to question whether he would fit in with the other children.
Sirius Black age 11 remained deathly silent until the Sorting Hat ceremony. The silent child was the third student to be called up and he walked shakily to the hat, suddenly nervous for his future, sitting there in stunned silence with the rest of the room as he was called to Gryffindor only a second after the hat was placed on his head. It took nearly 15 seconds for the Gryffindor table to gather themselves and cheer for the 11 year old, but Sirius didn't hear them as he walked numbly towards them and sat down.
Sirius Black age 11 missed the rest of the ceremony as he sat, zoned out completely, trying to comprehend what went wrong with him. Why wasn't he in Slytherin? Everyone in his family had been. Surely it was a mistake. What would his parents think? They would surely disown him now. He had worked so hard for their approval and now he had ruined the little bit he had gained. Perhaps he should write them a letter and explain to them what had happened. They would know what to do...And of course he did not notice the first year boy with the messy hair and rounded glasses staring at him with a concerned expression from across the table.
And that first night at Hogwarts he could not sleep, could not focus, could not find solace that night in the Gryffindor dormitory. His cries were muffled by his pillow, but they still kept three other boys in the first year dormitory awake. One, who Sirius later learned was named Remus, tapped Sirius on the shoulder, effectively getting his attention, before giving him an awkward yet comforting hug. He then fell asleep sitting in a circle with the three boys sharing funny stories until the early hours of the morning. The boy with the messy hair had the most interesting (though very exaggerated) adventures to tell.
The next morning the young boy wrote a letter to his parents that next morning, under the watchful eyes of the other first year boys, and hurriedly sent it off with an owl. The only reply: a request for him to remain on campus during the winter holidays, signed his mother. Crushed by the news, he was surprised to find that the three boys he just met were already offering to stay with him at Hogwarts when the time came, and the realization that came with finding that he didn't quite mind being in Gryffindor after all.~
The memories were crystal-clear, filled with emotions and feelings and images that were fleeting, while others were passing and vague. It was strange, to look at someone elses's life pass before your eyes. So strange, and yet so familiar.
I saw the way Sirius struggled during his first year at Hogwarts, how he had to dismantle the entire belief system his parents had brought him up in, how he had to alter his mindset, his viewpoint, and admit that maybe the way he was brought up was narrow-minded in regard to his blood-status. How he had to be careful about what he said, having pissed off either Remus or Peter or earned himself a disapproving glare from James after one comment or another about muggle-born classmates.
As if from a distance I could feel Remus's hand grip mine more tightly.
I saw him suffer silently due to the distance that grew between him and Regulus. Now an outcast to his family, his cousins and even his own brother in Slytherin ignoring him in the Great Hall, and the letters from home coming to a stop.
~Sirius didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to believe his little brother became one of them.
Sirius knew though it was true the minute Narcissa came to him and bragged about it even though he could hope it wasn't.
"Siriussss" Narcissa sang, a menacing smirk across her lips "Guess what your little brother did"
He felt his stomach sink the moment she mentioned Regulus
"I don't care what he did but I know you'll tell me anyways" Sirius snapped, using everything inside him to hide the sick feeling
"He's got a certain mark on him" Narcissa laughed out "He's one now"
He shouldn't have cared but it was Regulus, he knew his brother and he knew this might have happened but he couldn't believe that Regulus would actually do it.
After finding him alone in a classroom down in the dungeons on the map Sirius had to confront him and ask him why but deep down inside he knew why.
Regulus's back was facing him, by the way his body was moving Sirius could tell he was crying.
"Reg why?" Sirius asked.
"I wanted to" Regulus answered, trying to sound strong and decisive, but a slight tremble in his tone undermining that attempt.
"Fucking look at me and say that Regulus because I know it's not true!" snipped Sirius, an edge to his tone that caused Regulus to finally turn around and face him. Regulus's eyes were rimmed red, tears still streaking down his cheeks.
"I wanted to" Regulus gritted out, the words hard to say to Sirius "Because the Dark Lord is right about everything, the world needs to be cleaned from -"
"SHUT UP" Sirius yelled "Drop the fucking act, this isn't you. I know you. You never believed what they believed so shut up"
"You know me? Know me?! When was the last time you tried talking to me? Even before you fucking left you shut me out and moved on to what? Better people I suppose" Regulus yelled back, a noticeable vein popping out in his neck.
"Regul- "
"No! Were your friends more important? Lupin, Pettigrew and fucking Potter." Regulus cried out, more tears falling down his face at every word leaving his mouth.
"This isn't about them damn it! This is about you becoming a fucking death eater" Sirius yelled.
"This mark here?" Regulus mumbled, pulling up the sleeve of his robes to show of the snake and skull "You want the truth then? I got it because I was fucking terrified, it was either this or death because unlike you I had no where to go"
"Regulus you didn't have to become one of them! I would have taken you with me" Sirius muttered, blinking away the tears threatening to spill.
"Why?" Regulus questioned.
"Because you're my brother" Sirius answered.
"I'm not, not anymore. Not after you shut me out. Not after you left me. Not after everything. Seems more like Potter is your brother now"
"That's not true. You don't have to follow in all of their paths, you don't have to become them" Sirius pleaded "Please don't"
"I'll do what I want, leave me alone. You don't care" Regulus mumbled, leaving quickly after before Sirius could call him back.
Sirius was left alone with knowing Regulus got involved in something bigger than him. His guilt was overwhelming and he didn't know how to face the things he had done. His brother was the constant reminder and embodiment of the shame.~
It was such a foreign sensation, to see and feel all those memories like they were my own. Like suddenly all the things that made me who I was faded to the background, and instead Sirius was there, forcing all of his memories, all of his life's experiences, into my head and heart.
Remus's grip on my hand had turned hard, bruising almost his hand clammy with sweat. But the feeling was distant, almost uncorporeal.
~.... Sirius, as a child, used to hide things all over his house. Valuable things and valueless ones, his mother's makeup, paperweights and quills from his father's desk, silverware. No one could ever figure out where shit was going; for years his father was convinced the whole place was infested with incredibly sneaky pixies, and would wander around the house in his hunting clothes yelling about "outfoxing the bastards," to Sirius's utter and well-hidden delight. Even after he left home, he would sneak back in sometimes and hide stuff. Just to keep them on their toes, you know. Make sure they didn't work out that it was him, way back when. He never could work out why he cared, but he never stopped, either.....~
All those little flashes, images of the boy he was and the man he became, increasing in speed until I felt like my head was bursting with the essence of who Sirius Black was.
And in those moments I realized why it was so easy to love Sirius Black when you first meet him, when you're just seeing the joyous bright brilliant boy with his mischief and his pranks and his marauding, he's all charm and smooth wit and he loves so much and so deeply and once he loves you he will do anything for you. He would without hesitation die for anything and anyone he loves. He loves hard and fierce and he doesn't know how to stop himself. He thrives on attention and laughter and he's very good at coaxing both of those things out of people so Sirius is very easy to like at first glance. It was the man I'd seen glimpses off over the last couple of years, happy and loyal and charming. A good man.
But there was an ugly side to Sirius, one that I'd seen too. The tortured soul that withstood ten years in prison and refused to give in. The part of him that hates just as intensely as he loves and there's nothing beautiful about it. The part of him that can be merciless and sharp and needlessly cruel, and doesn't always need a good reason. When he's easily bored and not particularly bothered by tormenting people for his own amusement. The part of him that thrived on attention. The part of him that gets swallowed by darkness and restlessness and he doesn't know how to hide it, doesn't know or try to avoid making everyone else feel the same way. The reckless part, the part that's immature, and he can't — doesn't want to — control himself.
And I realized that Sirius could be awful and it takes a while to understand that, the duality of intense affection and intense cruelty within him, but once you do he's hard not to love. But it's hard to love somebody like that, and it made me realize how true and strong the bond between him and the other Marauders was. I realized that his great redeeming quality is the flipside to the worst parts of him: as consumed as he can be by hatred, he's affected equally by love. he's brave and determined and he will do anything for people he loves.
I saw that Sirius didn't know how to exist in shades of grey so maybe he's hard to love but ultimately loving him is worth it because as awful as he can be, he can be just as good.
And I sensed that, more often than not, he wanted to be good. And that's what ultimately mattered. What made him the amazing man I'd come to care for deeply as a friend, and admire as a person.
~At 13, Sirius knew something was up with Remus. The way the boy kept being pulled from school periodically on 'family emergencies', the way he he looked when he came back. Tired, withdrawn, shaken. The way his nightmares would haunt him during the night, waking up not only Sirius, but James and occasionally Peter as well. Avoiding questions, pulling away whenever one of his friends reached out to touch him. Something was definitely up. And Sirius was determined to find out what that was.
And then, one night, everything fell into place.
Sirius froze, hand still on the doorknob.
Remus was just stepping out of the shower, a large maroon towel swathed around his hips.
"Do you mind?!" he said, perhaps a tad roughly.
"Sorry" Sirius mumbled, quickly stepping back and closing the bathroom door between them.
He stood there for a moment, and then went to sit on his bed, head whirling about what he'd just seen. Lupin's arms, legs and chest were covered-covered-in a fine crosshatching of livid white and pink scars, with here and there the pucker of a deeper puncture. It had not occurred to Sirius until now that Remus, unlike the rest of them, always changed in the bathroom, or on his bed with the curtains closed. And Sirius couldn't for the life of him phantom what might cause that kind of damage. If someone had done that to him, it was no wonder Remus didn't like being touched.
Remus came out of the bathroom, hair still damp from the shower, but he was dressed now in his pajamas. A faint blush stained his cheeks, and his eyes were trained on the floor.
"What happened?" Sirius asked.
"I'd say that's none of your business, Black" Remus replied tersely. His voice was quiet, his face carefully blank.
"Is some Slytherin giving you trouble?" Sirius asked "Because if they are...-"
"It's nothing" there was an edge to his voice, warning Sirius that the subject was closed.
"Lupin-" Sirius started, onlu to be interrupted by Remus.
"-What?!" Remus's eyes snapped up, wary.
"I just-d'you want to borrow my Astronomy notes?" Sirius blurted out, not wanting to press the matter.
"Oh" Remus blinked "Yeah. Thanks"
"It's a shame you missed it" Sirius said, an idea forming in his head, attempting a tension-dispersing grin "The moon looked amazing last night"
The flash of something deep and dark and primal in Remus's eyes, no matter how much his friend tried to hide it, was enough to confirm the suspicion Sirius had been having.
But instead of it causing a rift between them, it only brought them closer together. When James and Peter were brought in on it, the four of them became inseparable~
The hold Remus had on my hand was painfully strong, but I didn't mind. It kept me tethered, grounded, and knowing that he was experiencing this with me was calming, in a way.
The image of the four of them would be forever seared into my mind, that much I knew. They'd been such good friends, loyal to a fault. I could feel the way Sirius felt about them, the unwavering love, loyalty and respect he had for his friends. It was almost too much to bear. The rawness, the fierceness of his emotions becoming almost too much. Another memory, another feeling, all pushing and pulling at me, demanding my attention:
~ People asking Remus how he got his scars. Not all of them could be hidden by long sweaters and trousers, of course. And Remus, being the silent and shy type, would be to nervous and insecure to answer them himself so the Marauders would answer for him every time. After James's first attempt at covering for his best friend, Sirius and Peter soon followed suit, and let's just say their responses became increasingly more fucking insane over time.
For instance in first year if you asked Remus how he got his scars Sirius would say "well we do a lot of pranks and so we get hurt sometimes, dangerous stuff ya know?"
But by their seventh year Sirius would hear someone ask Remus this and Sirius just responds with" FUCK ITS A FUCKING WILD STORY. LIKE YOU ARENT EVEN GONNA BELIEVE THIS"
And Remus would be sitting next to him, shaking his head in silent amusement as his best friend continued the tall tale.
"Okay okay so get this we're walking down the street just chilling, right? Then suddenly out of fucking nowhere the QUEEN SHOWS UP? And I'm like hOLY FUCK MOONY ITS THE QUEEN. Moony just looks at her with resentment in his eyes. Moony looks her in the eyes and says "So we meet again".
Of course James would feel obliged to pitch in at this point "And at this point I'm like WHAT THE FUCK. Right? So me and Sirius watch Remus give her this dead-panned look-"
And Sirius would take over again, seamlessly "So the Queen chuckles and says "So it seems". Then she's like "you just never learn your lesson". Then she just starts beating Moony's ass. Like she's whoopin the ever-loving-fuck out of Remus at this point. So Remus starts fighting back like I'm not gonna take this shit from you. He knocks Queen Lizzie back a couple feet and she's bleeding. She wipes blood from her face and chuckles again and says,"you fool, this isn't even my final form". And that's when shit got crazy-"
And whoever it was that asked the question was at this point regretting even coming up with the idea of asking, and would walk away.
Which, of course, didn't sit right with Sirius, who wasn't done making shit up "-Wait where are you going? You can't leave yet. I haven't even gotten to the good part yet. Next is the part where John Lennon comes in. Wait!"~
I relived, through Sirius's memories, how the three of them decided to become animagi. For Remus. For their friend. The first time they mentioned it it was more of a joke, but when they caught the look in Remus's eyes, they figured why not? But it wasn't easy. They were only kids, after all, and even though they were brilliant, finding out how to go through the procedure and acquiring the necessary ingredients and spells was no mean feat.
Seeing how they struggled to find the necessary ingredients, perform all the necessary spells, the trial-and-error attempts of getting it just right.....it was incredible to experience that sort of loyalty towards ones friends first hand. And when they managed to transform, I could feel their pride, their joy and glee at having done something so tasking and difficult. All to support their friend.
And then the memories changed. They shifted, as years passed and school was over and their time at Hogwarts was now behind them. Instead James and Lily, after years of banter and fighting, now together and married for Merlin's sake! Sirius couldn't have been happier for his best mate, and now their world was turned upside down, their whole lives ahead of them as they started their lives together.
But not everything was good and bright. With Voldemort and The Order, things weren't exactly getting any easier. I sensed Sirius's worry, his concern for his friends. I also felt his unwavering devotion towards the cause, the need within him to fight for what was right, to prove that he was different from his whole damned family and that he would do what was right dammit.
And then there was Harry.
~The first time Sirius held Harry in his arms, he had tears in his eyes. His hands trembled as he held his best mates newborn son, carefully tucking his head in the crook of his elbow. Biting his lip in concentration he pulls away the blanket to look at the baby boy's face, careful not to wake him.
Sirius had always disliked children up to that point. Hated them even. They were loud, messy, and Andromeda's kid puking on him once had been more than enough for a lifetime. But here he was, holding this wee little thing, and he felt a prickle at his nose.
"Sirius, are-hold on...Are you crying?" that was James, Lily standing next to him with the biggest sweetest smile on her lips as she watched the scene before her.
"No" he says, too quickly, blinking a few times for good measure. Of course he wasn't crying.
Lily raises her brows at him, which he pointedly ignores, bobbing his knees as Harry's eyes scrunch up, revealing green eyes looking up at him in sleepy confusion.
James cleared his throat "Eh, Sirius, mate.....we ehh...we were wondering if...-"
Baby Harry yawns and Sirius holds him tighter, stifling a yawn himself as he marveled at the tiny human being he was holding in his arms.
"Did you hear what I just said?" James asked, raising a brow at his best friend as Sirius looked up with a questioning look in his eyes.
"Sorry?" Sirius looks up at his best friend, whose giving him an expectant look.
"We want you to be the godfather" James repeated, Lily nodding in agreement at his side.
And Sirius, who'd killed every potted plant he'd ever gotten-including the cactus that James had given him for his twelfth birthday-was at a loss of words. He hadn't grown up around children, and he didn't know a single thing about raising them. He didn't know how to take care of other people, certainly not himself. When James and Lily asked him to be Harry's godfather, his first reaction was to cry. His first thoughts were, "What if he doesn't like me?"
But he looks down into the sleepy face of the baby he's holding in his arms, at the tiny button nose and the arches of the eyebrows, the sleepy green eyes that are so much like Lily's, and the tiny black tuft of hair that he just knows will be as shaggy and unkempt as James's. And in that instant he knows that if anything, this war hes fighting in, it's for this little child right here in his lap.
He looked up, a small smile playing across his lips, and nods.
"I'd be honored" he told them~
It was so incredible to see how deeply Sirius cared for Harry. Absolutely amazing to see how much he cared for the boy. More memories surfaced, short images and flashes of Sirius's life with his friends and baby Harry.
~Lily had never seen Sirius being so gentle with someone before. He rested his forehead against Harry's and grinned down at him, pulling dumb faces and letting Harry play with his hair. He carried him around and whirled him through the air, making him laugh that wonderful, resonating laugh that his parents and Sirius himself loved so much. James and Lily watched Sirius and their son most of the time and they never regretted choosing him as a godfather. They both knew no one else could've loved Harry or cared for him that much.~
~Sirius would always deny that he was only pretending to be offended when one of Harry's first words was 'Moony' instead of Padfoot because, lets face it, its easier. How he would ruffle Harry's dark hair because it looked so much like James's and of course it's gotta be messy.
How Sirius would let little Harry wear his leather jacket even if it looked like a dress on him because he couldn't resist the beaming smile the kid would give him.~
And again the images changed, and this time my soul hurt at the pain and anguish that flooded through me like wildfire. I'd known about some of the things that had transpired in Sirius's life, bits and pieces of the bad things he'd lived through, but this....this was terrifying, even for someone who'd lived as long as I had.
Because I couldn't for the life of me imagine being twenty-one and walking into your best friend's house and finding him dead on the floor and just had a baby, and knowing in your heart that there's more carnage. How soul-wrenching and deep the agony cut at finding his wife dead and blankly staring at the ceiling. And then here's this baby this precious thing still in his crib crying amongst the wreckage and you pick him up and cradle him in your arms and realize that he's the most important thing , and james and lily and it's my fault it's my fault it's all my fault...
It was as if the breath was sucked from my lungs, the pain becoming too overbearing, too much. I tried to push past it, to go further, but the memories of Azkaban, that dark and foul place, and the crushing loneliness of being punished for a crime you didn't commit but nevertheless feel responsible for is just soul-crushing and completely devastating.
I tried again, and this time it worked. Now I saw Harry again, but years later.
~Twelve years later, when he saw Harry again, something seemed to explode inside him. He couldn't tell whether it was happiness or pain but he decided on a mix of both. Sirius knew he only had seconds, knew that he probably scared the boy right now but he couldn't bring himself to look and go away just yet. He was reminded so strongly of James but what was even worse was that he was reminded of all the years he couldn't be there for his only godson.
Harry saying that he'd want to live with him was one of the best things that ever happened in Sirius' life. He had no words to explain how much it meant to him but at the same time he was already fighting not to get his hopes up. Luck hasn't been on his side in what seemed like a lifetime and in the end he was right wasn't he? He had to go into hiding again; he rarely saw Harry and he could only barely be there for him. Sirius felt like he let Harry down, like he let James down and most of the time his only thought was that he would do anything to finally be able to take care of Harry.
The visits were not enough, they were never enough. Christmas was too short, so were the few weeks Harry stayed with him during the summer holidays. Sirius hated being stuck in this house more than anything. All he ever thought about was his past and how he wasn't the godfather he was supposed to be. But he held on to the good memories, to when Harry was just a baby, to the nights he spent talking with him in the kitchen in his old home, when he told him stories about his life at Hogwarts and about James.
He would never have admitted it, but he was disappointed when Harry didn't use the mirror he gave him. He was angry at him and then he was angry at himself for being mad at Harry. Sirius' rational side knew that he probably just forgot about it with all that was happening. (The thought made him sad but he didn't dwell on that.) But another part of him couldn't help but keep the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that Harry just didn't want to talk to him and that was another thing he would've never admitted: The thought of Harry not wanting to talk to him almost broke his heart.~
I knew we were now approaching the end, that this was where it would all stop, and a part of me dreaded it, while the other was thankful, because it would mean that this overwhelming feeling of being flooded with someone else's life would be over.
~...When he heard that Harry was at the Ministry of Magic, Sirius thought his heart stopped for an instant. No one could convince him to stay there; he would've fought his way through the order members if he had to. Not a single person was going to keep him from being by Harry's side and protecting him....~
~....When he saw Harry there, not backing down and facing the Death Eaters with so much courage, pride overwhelmed him. And even though he never got the chance to tell him how proud and how sorry he was and how much he actually loved him, he thought that Harry knew all this. At least he hoped so....~
And then I was falling backwards, stumbling away from the Veil as if I had been burned upon touching it. I felt weak in the knees, my body trembling as I tried desperately to regain my balance.
Remus was there, holding me. He caught me as my legs gave out under me, his hands wrapping around my waist as he lowered me to the ground. He was shaking and trembling as well, and as the world came back into focus I saw his eyes glistening with unshed tears. The emotions running through me were raw, but it wasn't necessarily a bad feeling. Overwhelming, sure. But not bad.
This way of remembering someone, of immortalizing their essence, had taken it's toll on me. I felt weak, my head spinning. I could almost feel the rush of my own blood through my veins, the beating of my heat unnaturally loud as I tried to catch my breath.
I closed my eyes briefly, listening to Remus's labored breathing beside me. Trying to focus on anything but the weakening sensations running rampant in my system. All my joints seemed to have been replaced with shards of glass, my muscles protesting against the slightest movement. A stabbing pain in my chest reminded me that ancient magic like the spell I'd just performed always took its toll.
But it had been worth it.
"Aurora....?" Remus croaked, sounding even more tired "Are you okay?"
"I-...I don't know" I answered, trying to find my voice.
"....Thank you, for this" Remus breathed on an exhale, the emotion in his voice causing me to look up at him "It was....difficult, and sure as hell not everything was nice and pleasant....but it was real. It was....him. Sirius. So thank you, truly"
I nodded, understanding perfectly well what he meant. A memory transfer like this allowed you to keep a part of those you held dear with you, inside you, for always. I hoped it would give him some closure after having lost one of his dearest friends so abruptly.
Suddenly a cramping sensation in my lower abdomen caused me to double over, gasping for breath. My head was still spinning, but now nausea was added to the mix, and I was now worried I'd throw up all over the place. A tingling sensation in the tips of my hand and feet alerted me to the fact that it was almost as if I'd gone numb, my extremities refusing to cooperate or function properly.
"...Aurora?!" now concern was evident in Remus's voice, and I felt his hand on my shoulder.
I wanted to answer him, I really did, but my breath caught in my throat as another wave of pain surged through me. My hand subconsciously went to my distended stomach, even though the concealing spell was still in place.
Remus must have noticed, though, for he started rubbing comforting circles on my back as he helped me sit up a bit straighter.
"Is...is everything all right? With the baby I mean?" he asked, obviously not knowing how to address the situation.
"I-I don't know" I managed to grit out between clenched teeth "...it hurts..."
"C'mon, we need to get you some help" Remus said decisively, now wrapping his arm around my waist, throwing mine around his shoulder as he pulled me to my feet.
"Henry. We need to go to Henry" I said, closing my eyes against the dizziness that overcame me as I tried to remain upright "He knows....-"
I groaned, the stabbing pain in my side becoming even worse as I was now standing on my own two feet. Ish.
"Knows what?" Remus inquired, taking the first few steps in the direction of the doorway on the other side of the room.
"About the baby" I informed him as best I could "He's...a doctor. He'll know...what to do"
"Well I sure as hell hope so" Remus muttered as we made our way to the nearest exit "Because I'm starting to think you've just gone into labor....."
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Hello lovelies!
I'ts been a while since I updated, I know, and I apologize for that. I've been very occupied with school, since now is the time to try and secure a Minor program abroad and i'd very much like to spend some time in either England/Scotland/Ireland.
My apologies.
I also felt like this chapter was a bit disjointed, since it involves so many AU/Canon/Flashbacks from Sirius's past (aka Marauders, baby harry and all that). So please let me know what you thought of it.
Oh and the whole memories/flashback thingy is from either AU/Canon and stuff I picked up from Tumblr, so thanks to all the amazing people out there with inspiration and imagination to make this all happen.
Please comment and vote (we're nearing the end of this book, and I'd like to know your thoughts on it), it really motivates me to write more. You guys all are a source of inspiration to me.
Maaaauw
Sam out