"They say the best way to move on is to let go. As if letting go is the easy part. As if trying to dim or erase three years of memories, good or bad, is something you can do in one day."
-Claire Contreas, Kaleidoscope Hearts
"Knock. Knock. Anyone home?"
"In here!" I called over my shoulder as I tried to balance a basket filled to capacity with dirty laundry on my hip, while turning the machine on.
"Hey, babe," Hailey strolled in with a wide smile. She nodded towards the mountain of clothes on the floor. "Need some help?"
I shook my head. "Nah, I'm just waiting for my extra limbs to get here. They're a bit late, as usual."
"Oh, boy." She rolled her eyes and relieved me of the basket. "Is this mine?" She held up a red and black striped tee with a frown. "I've been searching all week for this!"
"That's weird," I said, mirroring her frown. "How did that get there?" I snatched it and dumped it in the washer before she had a chance to respond. "So, you didn't tell me. How are things with Michael?"
"Since when do you care?"
I tossed a dark colored bundle into the washer and reached for the detergent. "Since today. I woke up this morning with a burning need to know all the sordid details of this love affair. Isn't that obvious?"
"Is that so?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Bullshit."
I threw my hands in the air with a smile. "Okay. You got me. Now, can you hand me those?"
She hurled the shirts I pointed at and crossed her arms.
I raised my brow. "What?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"No. I was obviously joking." I flashed her a smile but it faded when she didn't return it. "But if you want us to talk about it, I guess we could."
"He wants you to come out with us."
"Excuse me?" I took a seat on the floor and leafed through the remaining piles of clothing, sorting them according to color. "Was he high when he said that?"
She joined me on the floor. "He's trying to make amends and it'll just be one dinner."
"Just be one dinner? There's nothing just about dinner with Michael." I scoffed, "And I suppose you already told him I'd go, right?"
"You hardly ever gave him a chance, Taylor. He's a good guy once you get to know him."
"I'm sure he is."
She sighed. "Let's not argue about this, okay? Just...think it over, please."
I nodded and continued my sorting in silence. I could feel my anger rising and I squeezed my eyes shut to dispel it.
I loved Hailey more than I loved my own sister, but if there was one thing that we could never seem to agree on, it was her choice in men. They were usually of the major asshole variety and that contrasted terribly with her softhearted temperament.
She slumped her shoulders with a sad pout. "Are you seriously giving me the silent treatment?"
Wordlessly, I unfolded a towel and tossed it aside before making my way to the washing machine to check on the current load.
"You know, you were the one that brought him up. You can't just get angry and shut down because you don't like the aftereffect."
I raised my brow. "I can't?"
"Sometimes you're so immature," she muttered. "Why can't you learn to deal with things as they come, instead of bottling it up and letting it fester until you're so angry that you can't think clearly? I thought you would've learned that at least after losing Brian."
Tears stung my eyes when her words hit home. "Are you saying that it's my fault he left?"
She shook her head. "What? No! No, of course not. That's not what I meant."
I crossed my arms. "Then what did you mean?"
"It's just that sometimes when you're mad, you don't listen to anything else. You just see your anger and that's it. I don't even know why I mentioned Brian and for that I'm sorry, but you do have a problem with managing your anger, Taylor."
"If I'm angry it's because you're not angry enough. You give out forgiveness like its Candy on Halloween!" I said heatedly. "You let people walk all over you and I'm not allowed to be angry?"
She frowned, "We were talking about something else entirely, how did the conversation get to me being a pushover?"
"About the same time it got to me driving Brian away."
"That's not fair, Tay. I never said that. See, this is what I'm talking about. You're pissed because of something that came out wrong and now you won't let it go, will you?"
"Came out wrong?" I stared at her in disbelief. "That's all it is to you? A statement that came out wrong? You had no right to say that! None!"
"I know and I really am sorry. You know I didn't mean it like that." She sighed. "I just wanted to make a point and that was a really stupid way to do it."
"Okay."
"Okay as in 'we're good', okay? Or okay as in 'I want you to leave now', okay?"
"Just okay." I retook my seat on the floor and continued sorting. On some level I guess I understood where she was coming from and I knew that she didn't mean to say it, but the fact remains that it was already said and that hurt because it was thoughts like those that plagued my mind all on its own without confirmation from the one person who should've been on my side.
"Are you excited for your date?"
I stared at her. "Do you really think that I want to talk about guys with you right now? I thought you were smarter than this."
"Taylor, you are the most opinionated person when it comes to Michael and you are fully aware that it upsets me when you say certain stuff too but you won't ever find me building a wall and leaving you on the other side because of that."
"I've never blamed you for Michael being the douche bag that he is. I've never once said that it's on you that he won't stay. Yet, you think that it should be okay for you to dole out the blame for my failed relationship and I'd just say 'you know what Hails, you're absolutely right. Maybe if I wasn't such a stubborn bitch who let her anger get the better of her one too many times, I'd still have Brian in my life. So thank you so much for that enlightenment.'"
"Oh my gosh! You sure do love an argument, don't you?" she asked, rising to her feet. "I said something in the heat of the moment that I never should have and I was sorry for saying it but now I'm not that sorry. You love to be angry and you hate letting shit go. Why is that, huh? Why can't you do a little forgiving?"
"I think you should go now," I said without looking up.
"Normally I'd say call me when you're done being like this but I'd really rather you didn't."
I paid no attention to her and only stopped my sorting when I heard the faint slamming of a door, after which I got up to check on the load in the washing machine once more. I had no intention of dwelling on our argument, mostly because deep down I knew that she was right and that I was being a colossal bitch right now and I was so not ready to face the consequences of my actions.
I managed to get through the rest of laundry day without thinking much about Hailey but by the time the sun had set it was all that I could focus on. I was supposed to be getting ready for my date with Nathan but instead I was staring at the dresses that I'd laid out, feeling extremely sorry for myself and wishing that I'd never made any stupid plans. I was so miserable that I didn't even have it in me to tumble my closet for the little black dress that I'd hoped to be wearing tonight. So, as a substitute I chose a simple blue dress that barely had any show. It matched my mood to a tee.
I thought about calling him and cancelling our date, but that left staying home, feeling shittier by the second as my only alternative and I wasn't a big fan of that idea. So, instead I texted him my address and began the arduous process of getting ready.
As I was slipping on my heels, my phone rang and I was pleasantly surprised to hear Hailey's ringtone. "Yes?" I said trying to sound annoyed because although I knew that I was in the wrong, it just wasn't like me to be the one doing the apologizing.
"I'm pausing our fight to check on your clothing choice for tonight. But just know that I'm still majorly pissed at you, so this is no white flag."
"Fine." I gave a little twirl in front of the mirror and fluffed out the curls that I'd added an hour before. "It's blue."
"What's blue?" she asked, clearly aggravated.
"It." I fastened the gold chain that my mom had bought as a graduation present and its matching bracelet. "Any other questions?"
"I thought you'd be wearing black," she mused.
"I thought so too."
"Send me a pic, would ya?"
"I'll think about it," I replied as the doorbell rang. "That's Nate. Gotta jet."
I hung up and grabbed a beige clutch that matched my shoes perfectly and dumped my phone, a little vial of cream and my credit cards in it. I thought about adding my makeup too but that would've only given me an excuse to keep running off to the bathroom if I got nervous.
I checked my reflection in the mirror one last time before scurrying to the door. "Hey, handsome," I said, pulling my coat on. Nathan stood there all decked out in a suit and tie, looking like he'd just stepped off the set of The Bachelor and I instantly regretted not searching for my little black dress.
"Wow," he breathed, pulling me into him. "You look gorgeous."
I smiled. "You don't look so bad yourself."
He offered me his arm. "Shall we?"
***
"Okay, I have to ask. Are you planning on killing me and dumping my body somewhere the cops will never find it?"
Nathan took his eyes off the road briefly to raise his brow at me. "What?"
"Hey, eyes on the road!" I said, thumping his arm.
He laughed and averted his gaze. "Again, what?"
"I still have no idea where you're taking me. So, what will it be? Murder for dinner?" We'd passed the last familiar landmark a few miles back and I was starting to worry. Normally, I'm pretty fearless and all that, but you have to remember that I barely knew this guy and we were now way beyond the city limits and in unfamiliar territory.
"There's a reason it's called a surprise, little lady. You're supposed to be surprised at the end of the journey. And besides, I'm not in the mood to get blood all over my favorite tux. Not tonight, anyway."
"Very funny," I laughed. "But seriously, just give me a hint or something."
"No."
I groaned. "Next time I'm choosing the restaurant myself."
"Who says there'll be a next time? You're not exactly gaining any brownie points right now," Nathan said.
"Neither are you. I'm not very fond of being in strange and creepy places after sunset. So, we're even."
He laughed at my expense and turned off the main road. I eyed my new surroundings and found myself ooing and awing at the foliage illuminated by the lanterns along the street. When he pulled into the driveway of a house that could not be described as a cottage, simply because it was way too massive to be likened to something as cozy-looking as that, I smiled. "Oh, wow."
"And you thought I was an axe murderer."
"Hey, the jury's still out on that one," I said as I unfastened my seatbelt.
He exited the car and came over to my side. When he opened the door, I clutched my heart. "You're such a babe."
He chuckled as he helped me out of the car. "Some people would call me a gentleman, but babe's okay too."
I followed him up the driveway and paused before going into the house. "Um, are you sure that someone won't arrive home unexpectedly, ending our evening?"
"You watch too much TV," he called over his shoulder as he flipped a few switches, bathing the lower flat in light.
I tentatively stepped in and closed the door with a soft thud. "This is pretty neat for a bachelor pad."
"That's because it's not a bachelor pad," he said while taking my coat. "This way."
I followed him down a dimly lit hallway and soon found myself at the gateway to Nirvana. I glanced around the living room, committing the niceties to memory in hopes of replicating its design for my future home.
Now, I know that I said it couldn't be described as a cottage, but its interior décor sure looked pretty darn comfy. For the most part, the furniture screamed "my owner loves vintage shit!" and I was a-okay with that.
My gaze landed on Nathan who was tending to the fireplace and my feet started moving on its own. A very tempting armchair and ottoman were neatly tucked into a cozy reading nook lined with bookshelves and I decided to live there for the evening. I kicked off my shoes and curled up with a random book that I'd swiped from the bookshelf.
"Hey," Nathan whispered from somewhere above me.
"Mmm." My eyes fluttered open and I found myself staring into pools of green. "I wasn't sleeping, was I?"
He nodded. "Afraid so. You know, some people might consider that rude."
I plucked the book off my chest and closed it before sitting up. "I'm sorry?"
"I don't know, are you?"
I chuckled and took his outstretched hand. Once on my feet, I stretched and cracked my back before my body realized that I wasn't at home. "I'm sorry."
He smiled and took my hand in his. "Hungry?"
I patted my stomach. "Starved."
He led me further down the same hallway as before and this time we ended up in the dining room. He pulled out my chair and even waited until I was seated before taking his place beside me. "Okay, now you're just showing off," I said with a small smile. In truth, I was immensely impressed. My hopes of ever meeting someone who came even a little close to the idealism of Prince Charming had vanished long ago, but at the moment I was entertaining the idea of hoping all over again.
"Is it working?"
I bit my lip, still smiling. "Maybe."
He returned my smile and placed a kiss on my nose, making me giggle like a little schoolgirl. "I hope you're not a vegetarian," he said as he lifted the covers from our dinner.
"I could be," I told him, inhaling greedily. "I never knew store-bought could smell this good."
"Rude," he feigned hurt. "I'll have you know that I'm a superb chef."
I gasped and looked down at my plate.
"No way."
"So little faith you have in me."
I laughed and picked up my wine glass. "I've just never met a guy who cooks, is all. I'm pleasantly surprised."
"You might find that I'm full of surprises."
I raised my brow. "Should I make a run for it now, then?" Even as I asked the question I knew that there was nothing to be afraid of. There was a wholesomeness in his eyes that erased all doubt.
"Do you want to say Grace or should I?" he asked taking me by surprise. I hadn't pegged him as the religious type of guy.
I hadn't prayed before eating a meal since I was six years old, needless to say I was as unprepared as they come. "Um, you take this round and I'll go next time."
He nodded and reached for my hand. Since I wasn't much of a religious person, I didn't know what to expect but if it involved more of his hands on mine then I was all in. "Lord," Nathan began. "I'd like to thank you for this wonderful meal and for the wonderful woman sharing it with me. Amen."
I quirked my brow. "Yeah, so I know that I don't know much about this praying thing, but wasn't that a bit too short?"
"Prayer is never too short, little lady," he replied with a smile that was so infectious, I couldn't help but return it. "Let's eat."
After dinner we sat by the fireplace preparing to swap childhood stories, his idea of a fun time. "I don't know about this," I said as I got comfortable in his arms. "I was an extremely bratty child and I'm afraid you may not like me very much after this evening ends."
"You couldn't have been much worse than I was," he argued.
"Oh yeah? Try me."
He laughed. "Okay, one time I ate an entire vat of brownies just so that my sister wouldn't get any."
"Someone was definitely a fat kid," I teased. "I mean, I love food but even I can't eat that much of anything at once."
"She ate the last of the pizza; it was my civil duty to make her suffer like I did."
I saluted him. "And society thanks you for your sacrifice, Mr. Davenport."
He laughed and tightened his arms around me. "Okay, your turn."
I tapped a finger against my chin, "Let's see. Well, when I was ten, I broke my sisters nose because she'd broken all of my new toys that I'd gotten for Christmas and I didn't think that letting her share hers with me was an adequate punishment."
"You what?" Nathan asked.
"See, I had this rule. You break mine, I break yours, and she'd broken all of my shiny new toys so it was only fair."
"But breaking her nose? Wasn't that a bit extreme?"
"Maybe, but I believe that if you're going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard."
"It's cruel but it gets the job done," he said solemnly.
I twisted my body to face him. "Are you making fun of me?"
He chuckled and kissed my forehead. "A little. But I promise to never break any of your shiny toys, Ms. Evans."
"Good. Cause I'd hate for you to lose a foot," I replied with all the sincerity that I could muster because it wasn't only my toys being broken that I was worried about.
He sighed and pulled me back to him and I found myself sighing too. Being there with him just felt so right. "You know what you are, don't you?" I asked him, making swirls on his hand with my fingers.
"Really good looking?"
I chuckled softly and shook my head. "You're a walking heartbreak."
"I'm not going to break your heart, Taylor," he promised. "I've never intentionally broken any hearts and I'm not about to start now."
"But that's just it. Guys like you don't have to do much to turn someone's world upside down."
"Guys like me? What kind of guy am I?"
I turned to face him. "The perfect type. The type who can do no wrong even when they are in actuality so very wrong. The type of guy who'll let you down gently, and although deep down you know that you should be mad because your heart is being ripped to shreds, you can't, because they're good and honest and you know that they wouldn't be causing you this pain if it could be helped. That type."
"I'm not that guy, though. I'm so far from perfect, it's laughable," he said with furrowed brows. "No one's perfect, Taylor and that's the problem right there. We seek perfection in our partners when we ourselves are not. So, now we have this guy who's been put on a highly unrealistic pedestal and therefore, anything that he does that's deemed less than perfect, results in some form of heartbreak. That doesn't sound very fair to me."
"I've never thought of it that way," I admitted. I'd only ever seen it from my perspective. The imperfect girls fall for the perfect guys who inevitably screws up and in turn, mystifies the image of the good guy being better for us instead of the bad guy who warned us from the beginning that he'll only cause us pain in the end. Brian was my perfect guy and I was his imperfect girl. "I guess I should take you down from your pedestal, huh?"
He nodded. "It's for the best."
"As we're on the subject of heartbreak," I said, making myself comfortable in his arms once more. "Would you like to tell me about your ex fiancé?"
"Oh man," he groaned. "I was hoping this subject never came up."
"But she's the most interesting thing about you, my dear."
He laughed, "I take offense to that."
"C'mon now, no more stalling," I said with a wistful sigh. "An ex fiancé is a pretty big deal."
"Don't you mean deal breaker?"
"Not necessarily, but you're still stalling."
He sighed. "You're asking me to delve into the part of my brain where I've locked all her memories away. It's not an easy task."
"It never is but how about this, I'll tell you about my ex if you'll tell me about yours," I suggested.
"Sounds an awful lot like 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' doesn't it?"
"It's only fair. You already know half my story and I know nothing about you or her or you two together," I said, shifting my position so that I was now lying beside him on the carpeted floor. "For all legal purposes, you're still a stranger to me."
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "Okay. What do you want to know?"
"How'd you two meet?" Of course that wasn't really the question that I wanted to ask, but I knew that if I wanted to have a clear picture, I needed all the missing details leading up to their breakup.
"Well, we grew up together. We went to the same schools, had the same friends, and were into the same things; we'd even applied to the same college, so in a way, us being together seemed like a grand idea."
"And how long did this grand idea survive?"
"Five years, on and off and it was one hell of a ride, believe me. We got along fine mostly and I guess at some point I loved her, but looking back now I just can't remember why."
"Well, she's gorgeous," I pointed out. "Beauty has to count for something."
He shrugged awkwardly since he was lying on the floor. "Sure, she's beautiful, but she's also totally self-absorbed and vile and what's worse is that I didn't see that part of her until after we'd gotten engaged."
"Sounds like a nightmare and a half."
He scoffed, "You're telling me. Everyone else saw her for what she truly was; everyone but me that is. I was always defending her actions to our friends, who ultimately became only my friends but it was hard for me to see her for the person she really was. I think it was because I had all these great childhood memories of the girl who made us sneak into the neighbor's house to feed their cat because they were too busy to notice how malnourished she was. Emily was a saint in my eyes and I just couldn't see what they saw, you know?"
I nodded although I couldn't relate. I'd always known that Katie was a backstabbing bitch and it was only a matter of time before she screwed up so badly, it was impossible for everyone else not to see her for what she truly was. Brian on the other hand, shocked the hell out of me and not only had he fallen off of his pedestal, he'd also brought the entire kingdom tumbling behind him.
"What about you? How'd you two meet?"
I rolled onto my back. "Brian and I also went to school together, but we weren't friends or anything. In fact, I barely even knew him back then. But, as fate would have it, we kind of reunited on a cold and stormy night in the middle of nowhere."
He laughed quietly. "I'm getting the vibe here that you're somewhat a drama queen, am I right?"
I gasped, feigning injury. "Why would you say that? I'm so insulted!"
"Yep. I'm right."
I chuckled and faced him once more. "Anyway, so the part about it being stormy the night that we truly met each other was correct. We dated for a little over three years until a few months ago when he just ended things. Although I still don't know why, I have my theories."
"Such as?"
"Well, for starters, my sister. She probably brainwashed him with her good girl act and he fell for it like everyone else." The only guy who was never fooled by Katie's charms was Jamie but that was probably because he grew up next door to us and knew her almost as well as I did.
"Right, your sister. That must be really hard for you."
"You don't know the half of it."
The night grew still after that and I was surprisingly okay with the quiet. There was so much more to be said that I could practically write a book about their betrayal, but for now I was just fine not talking about it. I scooted closer to Nathan and all but purred when he put his arm around me. We stayed like that for I don't know how long, him with his arm around me, me with a contented smile on my face as we fell asleep on the plushiest carpet I'd ever had the pleasure of lying on.