I squatted down while placing my free hand on Danny's zipper and began to twerk. "Pour it up, pour it up!" I sang giving sexual looks to the crowd. Trevor and the other male dancers gaped at me as the beat slowly deteriorated and my twerking slowly came to a stop. "Yo where my rude boys at?" I smiled and flipped my hair as I got into position for the next song. The beat to Rude Boy began to blast through the huge speakers and the female dancers exited the stage while I and the male dancers began the routine.
I moved my body to the beat and sang along with all that I had. I'm no half ass performer, I give it my all or nothing at all. I gotta keep the checks coming, ya digg? Anyway, Trevor had this uncaring look in his eye when we grinded on each other which wasn't like the normal spark he got when he looked at me. I don't know what I did to make him look so dull, but it gave me this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.
And that feeling didn't go away. After the show was over, I went straight to my bus to get some cool air and waters. I assumed that Trevor was with the rest of the crew getting their traditional midnight/late as all hell dinner at whatever restaurant was around laughing it up like he didn't have a care in the world. I sat on my bed and sent a skype call to Chris' lap top.
His nose ring showed first and then his blonde and blue hair appeared directly after. When did he dye part of his hair blue?! "Where's Leanni?" I asked looking around him.
"Hey, I'm doing fine thanks for asking, bae, you're so considerate," he replied. I narrowed my eyes at him a soon as he called me 'bae' here he goes trying to woo me. He slid the lap top over and Leanni smiled at that camera whilst waving around her dolls.
"Look at what daddy bought me, mommy!" She shouted excitedly.
"I see, I see," I replied with a chuckle. "Did you watch Uncle Sean's FaceTime of my performance?"
"Yeah, it was great. But tell Uncle Sean to stay still and stop screaming. I couldn't even hear you, all I could hear was him cheering," she said.
I laughed heartily, "I've told him that dozens of times before, Lee Lee. Maybe he'll listen to you."
"We should do this more often,"
"Do what?"
"This!"
"Me leaving you?!"
"No, mommy! I mean letting me visit daddy more... I missed him a lot,"
"Maybe, Lee Lee,"
"Please! Daddy's being good and watched movies with me and played dress up and tea party and--"
"I SAID MAYBE, LEANNI!! STOP!!"
I saw the tears well up in her eyes and her jaw go slack as she stared at me, "I'll talk to you later, mommy. I'm sorry I made you upset."
"No, no, Leanni. Momma's sorry, I didn't mean to--"
"I love you, momma,"
Her face left the screen and I was staring at a completely dark Windows Surface. I put my head down and massaged the wrinkles in my forehead - she's too young to understand, I told myself. There was an unexpected knock on my door and instinctively I got up to get it just to see who it was. I wasn't planning on letting anyone onto my tour bus, but if it was someone important (aka Sean) then is let them on.
Not exactly to my surprise, it was Trevor standing in front of the door with Jamaican food in both of his hands and two cream sodas between his fingers. He was wearing a wife beater and grey Tommy Hilfiger sweatpants with Construction boot Timberlands.
"Come on! Let me in!" He shouted. "I know you hear me!! And I know you're really hungry right now!!" I curled my lips to the side and decided to open the door for him. I moved to the side and watched as a really attractive yet irritating smirk formed on his lips. He walked up the steps and made himself at home on one of the couches.
"I didn't know what you would want so I just got what I thought you might like," he said. I opened the styrofoam box and there was jerk chicken, white rice, mac and cheese, and corn bread. My jaw hit the floor. "I'm guessing that's exactly what you wanted..." I nodded and immediately started stuffing my face with food. I was starvin' like Marvin.
We ate in silence while I was on my phone in between bites of jerk chicken and rice. That feeling I had gotten in the pit of my stomach had now settled itself inside of me due to Trevor staring dead at me.
"Can I help you?" I asked raising my eye brow.
"I was just thinking about Leanni," he said.
"Ok... And?" I chuckled.
"How's she doing?" He queried.
"She's having a good time with her dad," I answered looking down at my food.
"You don't sound too happy about that," he said raising an eye brow.
I narrowed my eyes at him, "You don't know how I'm feeling."
"Okay, I won't push it," he quit while putting up his hands in defense.
"Thanks," I responded going back to my phone. There was another long silence and he popped open his soda... Using his teeth. "How do you do that?"
"Do what?" He queried.
"Use your teeth to open a bottle," I said clashing my eye brows together. He instructed me to put my jaws around the cap of my bottle, clench, and twist. I did as he asked and giggled at the result before drinking the cool liquid inside of the bottle.
"My brother and his friends taught me how to do that," said Trevor, "My mom disowned us after watching us practice."
I grinned, "I was the only person in my family that could sing... I was the one with mutant lungs." I watched as his smile collapsed and then his eyes travel to the floor.
"Jeez, I'm sorry," he replied scratching the back of his neck.
"Why don't you curse? Like ever," I inquired.
"I dunno... I just never felt the need..." He shrugged, "Why do you feel like everyone wants something from you?"
"Because they do. When you're in the position that I'm in... It just comes a part of how I live and how I talk and deal with people,"
"You don't have to do that with me,"
"Yeah, I do,"
"No, you don't. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do,"
I stared at him for a second and grew angry. I just don't like talking about this with him and I don't like him questioning my life. Who the hell does he think he is all in my face questioning my life?!
"Sorry, I just thought we were being honest," he said getting up, "I'll leave." I looked back down at my phone and rolled my eyes as he let himself out.
The next few shows were great and the turn out was sold out every time. Trevor slowly stopped saying anything to me causing that nasty feeling I had in my stomach to never subside, and Leanni wouldn't answer my skype calls, which basically drove me insane because I had no clue if she saw me perform or if she liked it or what she and Chris were doing or if they were even alive. It brought me to tears a few times before a show, but I had to muster up a smile and perform like I was happy to be doing this.
At MSG I decided to sit in the crowd with my feet up and listen to the silence. My life is so stressful, no one's life could ever compare to this. I wiped a fallen tear from my cheek and then fumbled with the rings on my fingers.
"Hi," a voice said. I looked over and then rolled my eyes. I slowly got up and he stopped me. "No, I want to talk to you."
"Well I don't want to talk to you," I stated getting up. He grabbed my arm with that look in his eye and ordered me to sit down. "No."
"Sit your ass down," he growled at me. The swear word slipped from his lips like it was covered in butter and spat down at me like a glob of venomous saliva. I slowly returned to my seat and folded my arms like a child. "Let me remind you that you need me here to keep your job, aight. Let me also remind you that I'm trying to be nice here. I'm trying to get along with you or at least coexist and you can't do that because I'm some diseased cow right?"
"No, I just don't like--"
"That excuse is so old. I've heard it a million times, so let me tell you what I think of you," he said. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and waited to hear the horrible things he was gunna say about me. "I think that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. TV is one thing, but seeing you in person is a whole other thing. The way you smile, the way your nose turns bright red when you get angry, the way you run your fingers through your hair when you're nervous, and the way your eye brow twitches when you lie. It all has me weak and drives me crazy. You're perfect, Deanna,"
"I'm the furthest thing from perfect, Trevor," I replied trying to hide the butterflies I had gotten when he told me I was beautiful.
"Well you have some problems, you can be the biggest jerk face that ever walked the face of the earth when you feel threatened by someone else, you feel entitled to shit when you're just as normal and human as anyone else, you swear too much for someone so beautiful, you're scared of absolutely nothing most of the time--"
"I am not!!"
"Oh please! You have trust issues for no reason!"
"You don't know shit about me!!"
"AND YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME!!!! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TAKEN THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW ME!!!! You're selfish as hell and it effects Leanni and everyone else around you!!!"
"I fucking hate you,"
"YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I'M RIGHT!!! You hate me because all those things I said are true and you can't stand the fact that I talk back to you and stand up to you unlike anyone else you've met in your life," I was sobbing uncontrollably at this point and I had finally identified that look in his eye as anger, a form of anger that would be hard to put out, "And you know what else? You are attracted to me and don't want to admit it."
"I am not," I sniffled.
"Quit fucking lying. You wear the necklace I bought you every day since Leanni's birthday party. Just because you pretend the kiss never happened doesn't mean I didn't detect how you felt while you kissed me either,"
"What the fuck do you want from me?!"
"NOTHING!!!"
"Then why are you ridiculing me?! Just leave me alone! Let me be who I am!"
"I CAN'T!!!"
"WHY NOT?!"
He punched the seat in front of him angrily and then kicked it one more time. He rubbed his hands over his face and exhaled. "One day, Deanna. Give me one day just me and you, anywhere you like. I just want you to know who I am, who I really am and if you really aren't attracted to me, then I'll leave you alone," he explained. I wiped my eyes and looked down at the floor and gave him a small head nod.