Chapter vingt -Mishaps and mistakes-
"What are we supposed to do?" I said clenching his arm. "What am I supposed to do?" I said in a hushed whisper. It was our lunch period but I had dragged him to the library to catch him up to speed on what happened the night before.
"First you need to calm down. You are going to be fine." He said seriously. His lips thinned and he paused. "Now. Do you know any girls who would be willing to cover for you?"
"Um...Shylah? Naomi maybe..." I struggled to think of more girls I could ask to be my faux girlfriend for the night. Or possibly longer. I hadn't thought about this fully--
"You in there?" He tapped my forehead. I nodded. "What about your friend Mia?"
"Well she-" I cut myself off when I saw Cindy weaving through the shelves and walking towards us. A noise between a choke and a squeak all I could force out as she came and stood beside me and Sebastian.
Sebastian and I looked up at her, waiting for her to say something. "Well if it isn't the school's two biggest homos." I felt my heart plummet into my stomach. She definitely had seen us that night forever ago.
"We aren't gay--" Sebastian tried but she held up her hand to stop him.
"Then what do you call two guys kissing?" When neither of us said anything she leaned her elbows on the table so she was level with us. She was close enough that I could see her feathering lipstick and her slightly crooked front tooth. "Don't think just because I haven't said anything, it means you're off the hook. I'm biding my time, but this is coming out one way or another," She said in a soft voice that sent a chill down my spine. "Everyone's going to know Cameron made Sebastian a fag." My eyes widened and I felt like I was going to throw up. My life was turning into a bad teenage flick with Cindy as the antagonist.
Sebastian spat out a long string of curse words in French at her, and she simply smiled. I watched her turn and leave, but as she did so something fell out of her back pocket. She bent down to pick it up but I'd already seen it.
It was a pink gameboy.
Sebastian was speaking in a low, annoyed tone of voice, but I was thinking about the ways I could get that from Cindy. I was almost certain it was Dannie's from the stickers and scratches. I needed to try to focus on what my boyfriend was saying. "...I don't really mind if she outs me, because I'll be gone eventually, but if she outs you..." He shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment.
"Well I--" I started, then I processed what he had said and it felt like I'd been punched in the gut. "What do you mean you'll be gone?" It came out quieter and more pathetic than I had intended.
He reached into my lap and grabbed my hand, twining our fingers together. He didn't look up from our hands as he said, "I have to go back at the end of the school year." He said softly.
I felt a sticky surge of panic as I realized what that meant. "If I get outed or I out myself, I'm going to have to deal with it for another school year. You know how everyone is," I could feel the anxiety weaving into my words. I was going to end up like Peter had. "Are you coming back next year?"
He bit his lip. "Most likely not. This was paid for by my school, I was lucky enough to already have family here. And besided that, I don't think my parents could take me being away again." I had a dozen questions, but they were stopped up in my throat. What does this mean for us? Do you still want to keep dating when you go back? Sebastian brought his eyes back up to mine and said, "Let us just focus on the present, okay?" I nodded.
"I'll call Mia today," I said and added. "Do you want me to come over after..if you want." I hastily added.
He let out a laugh that never failed to make me smile. I loved the way he laughed, his head tilted back, his eyes crinkled cutely. "Cameron, we are dating, of course I want you to come over, you can help me study," He rolled his eyes, "Noel is not a good teacher."
I snorted. Noel was an enigma. "I'll help you, but you have to actually try," I said giving him a pointed look. I leaned closer and whispered. "We can't just kiss the whole time."
"Why's that?" He said, quirking brow. As he said that, the bell rung. He groaned. "I'll see you later," I did a glance around to make sure we were still alone and I gave him a quick kiss, then scurried off to my next class.
The rest of the week flew by unsettlingly fast, and soon it was Friday night. I felt jittery, but this wasn't a good kind of jittery, like the way I had felt before my first date with Sebastian. This felt the way that standing on the edge of a diving board for the first time did, terrifying and unknown. All the same, I had to get through this.
I was wearing jeans and my old Panic! at The Disco shirt I found in the back of my closet paired with one of my homemade beanies. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I looked decent I decided. I made my way downstairs and went into the kitchen. My mom was scooping a chunk of lasagna on Mia's plate, and she certainly looked the part of the good girlfriend tonight. Her hair (fake or real, I didn't know) was in a neat braid and she wore a pink cardigan and dark jeans. When she saw me she gave me a bright smile. I sat across from her, and while my mom chattered with Mia I dished out my own food and my mother's. I found myself wishing that Sebastian was sitting where Mia was.
"So," Mother said as she sat down at the table. "How are you Sar-- Mia, sorry," She corrected.
"It's fine, can call me either. I'm doing good how about you?" She said with a smile. I found my mind flitting to the drugs on Mia's dresser and how different she had been when we were alone. She was an amazing actor, I was realizing as she spoke to my mom. The spent the next few minutes eating the hot lasagna.
"When did you two start talking, and how come you didn't tell me you were dating?" The question was directed at me with a quirked brow. The question had an edge accusation.
"Well I uhm--" I started, but Mia cut over me cleanly.
"Cameron and I talked at church and sometimes my dad invited him over for dinner. We have been dating almost a month," She said beaming at me. I offered her a small time, and her eyes seemed to say yes good. Keep up the good work.
I glanced at my mother who was nodding in affirmation. "I'm okay with this of course, just make sure to let me know sooner when your wedding rolls around," She said with a laugh, and Mia giggled.
"We're just trying to focus on finishing school first," Mia said grinning. I found myself thinking that this was probably how things should have been. We could have dated, been a good couple. Maybe we would have gotten married in a small church and visited my mother on holidays...
"Cameron?" My mom snapped her fingers and I jumped.
"Ma'am?"
"Next time just tell me, you know I love Mia and her family." She gave me a soft smile and I nodded. For once she didn't correct me for not issuing a verbal response. The rest of the dinner went by smoothly, and Mia helped rescue me when it came to relationship questions. Once we were done eating, I walked her to her car.
"How do you do it?" I said, wrapping my arms around myself to protect myself from the biting cold. "How do you lie so easily?" I followed her over to her side of the car and shrugged.
"You just gotta act like it's real. Like you really believe it." Shrugged and I looked down at her cupped hands. I followed her eyeline and I saw she had a cigarette laying on the bed of her palms. She sighed and her breath came out in a big wispy puff. She pocketed the cigarette and muttered, "You have to lie to yourself," She said it more to herself it seemed than me.
"If you ever want to talk, you can call me," I said carefully. For a moment she didn't say anything, her head still down. Then I heard a soft noise and I realized she was laughing. "What?"
"Nothing, it's just...it's kinda like we really are dating." I grinned in spite of myself, and opened my arms to hug her. She gave me a tight hug and told me she'd call me later. I walked back inside feeling a smile come to my lips. Maybe I could find something good out of this.
After I cleaned up the kitchen, I let my mother know that Sebastian was coming to get me soon, and she waved me off, just saying I had better be home at a reasonable time, and not to sneak off with Mia.
While I waited outside I tried calling Dannie, and frowned as I got voicemail. That was unlike her. I didn't have time to dwell on it though, because Sebastian pulled into the driveway.
Pocketing my phone, I grabbed my bookbag which felt like a ton of bricks. I tried to push down my smile, but I couldn't stop the anticipation I felt trickling down to my fingers, no matter how many times we hung out I always felt like this.
When he saw me coming down the driveway he rolled down the window and whistled. "Shh," I said as I opened the car door, still smiling even though I was scolding him. "Mom's home."
He gave me a "yes sir" as he pulled out of the driveway, to which I gave him a dry look. When we were down the street he stopped the car and said something about greeting me properly. He leaned over the console I closed the distance and leaned in to kiss him, but to my suprise he tipped his head up at the last second and I got his nose.
"How does it feel?" He said laughing. "To be cheated out of a kiss?" I couldn't help but laugh as he pulled off. After a few teasing remarks, I felt something pop into the forefront of my mind again. "You know, something's been bothering me today."
"What's that?" He said as he switched lanes.
"You know earlier in the library..." I paused. "I think Dannie's gameboy ended up with Cindy. I saw it drop out of her backpack earlier."
I looked over at him and he frowned. "How would Cindy end up with it?"
"Luke did say it ended up with someone in town," I said and I watched him nod. "I wish I could get it from her somehow..." I trailed off
"Have you talked to Dannie today? To see how she's doing?"
I started to say yes then I shook my head. "No actually. I haven't seen her in school all week, which is weird but she texted me a few times."
He slowed the car and I hadn't even realized we were already in his neighborhood. He parked the car and made me an offer to take my bookbag, which I promptly declined. Once we were inside and I had greeted Alice, who was reading a book at the table, we made our way upstairs. I took out my books and started reading while Sebastian bustled around his room straightening up.
"What did you need help with again?" I asked while I made my flashcards.
"English," he said as he came and sat on the bed beside me. He peered down at my work and I could almost feel him smiling.
"What?" I said looking up at him.
"Nothing, I just I kind of need somewhere to sit," He trailed off and I scrambled over so he had room to sit beside me. For the next ten or fifteen minutes we worked in silence. I had made my flashcards and shuffling through them when Sebastian poked me, causing me to drop my flash cards.
"Seb--!" I was about to poke him back, but my phone rang. I dug into my pocket to fish it out. It was Dannie. "Hello?"
"C-Cameron!" I felt my stomach drop, she was crying.
"What's wrong?" I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
"S-Samson and I got in a fight and h-he d-drove off with my p-phone in his car," She said through her sobs. "I had to walk a couple miles to this broke down fucking gas station, and I'm freezing and I'm not sure where I am,"
"Look, calm down. I'll...I'll come get you, what's the name of the gas station." She told me, and I told her to hold on.
"Can we go get Dannie? It's getting dark and it's cold outside..."
He nodded fiercely. "Of course, put your shoes on and lets go."
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Once we tracked down the address it was at least 15 minutes before we made it to the gas station, by then the sky was shrouded in darkness and it was freezing. We pulled into the empty parking lot of the old gas station and saw Dannie shivering beside an old payphone. Sebastian pulled up closer so she didn't have to walk over to us.
When Dannie got in the car I immediately turned around to pass her my coat, and felt like I was going to be sick when I saw how she looked. Her skin looked paler than normal, and she had black makeup smudged into her already dark bags. I wasn't sure if I was imagining it but she looked smaller than usual, like she'd shrunk into herself.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I said after a few minutes of silence and signs whizzing past the window.
"Not...not really." She said, her voice sounding crackly, like a skipping CD. "We can discuss my fuck-ups later, what's up with you?" I was suddenly it with a wave of nostalgia. I missed my younger years when things had been easier, when Dannie and Luke and I were just a group of friends who roamed through the city streets, playing make believe. I missed when I hadn't had to lie about my sexual orientation or lie about my relationships. I missed her, even though she was right behind me.
I wasn't sure how my mouth caught up with my brain, but the words were falling out of my mouth before I could stop them. "I've been..." I started. "I'm gay. Sebastian's my boyfriend."
A couple of things happened in the next instant, Dannie choked, I closed my eyes, and Sebastian jerked the steering wheel a little too hard.
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I don't really like this chapter that much tbh, how do you guys feel abt it? 👀👀👀